Imagine being Courtney Love for a second. Imagine, if you can, what it must be like to be that mental. Try and picture the look on people’s faces are you haul your bizarre face around the streets of the world. Just think, how brilliant it must be to be so deluded that you carry all this off thinking you’re brilliant!
All this, despite the fact you’ve never made a decent record in your life, got your child taken off you for being an outrageous smack-head, fallen out with your deceased husband’s friends (who you were accused of killing in a film) and now, being ignored by your own daughter.
AND NOW SHE MIGHT BE HOMELESS! That’s right, our Courtney – as we previously reported – was involved in a fire at her New York City apartment. Trouble is now knocking on her charred door.
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Courtney Love’s mother-in-law doesn’t have a front door. She has black mold. Her sister-in-law is homeless. Meanwhile, Dave Grohl bought an Aston Martin last week. It’s an awful state of affairs isn’t it?
Of course, some of you may be wondering where this has come from. Well, these ‘facts’ have come from the oddly shaped mouth of Courtney herself who wants to point out what a dreadful rotter Dave Grohl is and how hard done to Courtney’s family are.
One question: Why doesn’t Courtney Love who, by her own admission earns ‘tons of money’, buy her mother-in-law a front door and put her sister up in one of her large houses? Either way, there’s some videos over the jump which show Courtney and her Hole fans enjoying some nice homophobia.
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Say what you like about Kelly Osbourne, but… no, seriously. Say whatever you like. We’re not Kelly Osbourne so we’re not going to defend her. That’s because she’s rather fond of doing it for herself.
See, Kelly has had a privileged but awkward upbringing, and so, as some coping mechanism, developed a really loud mouth.
If you go after her, she’ll probably huff and puff and yell your house down. So, when an ex of hers starts slating her on twitter, she’s not likely to take it lying down is she? Especially when she’s still grieving over the loss of her friend, Amy Winehouse.
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Dog owners are idiots. They dote on their flea-bitten shit-factories like they’re proper members of the family, despite the fact they do no work around the house, demand food and walkies and are only good for blaming your flatulence on.
Not that dog owners would ever let on. They look into their idiot dog’s eyes and mistake stupidity for some kind of human empathy. ‘My dog understands me and is always there when I need them!’ Dogs are always there, period. They’re after food or a piss, not a heart-to-heart. Dogs probably don’t even have hearts. Just more shit.
Of course, the rest of us perfectly sensible humans have to put up with people when their dogs die. We suffered like Jesus on the cross when Jennifer Aniston’s dog passed-away, and now, we are required to do the same for Kelly Osbourne who has lost the only thing in her life that she felt was an intellectual equal.
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You’d think that Sharon Osbourne was unshockable wouldn’t you? After all, she’s willingly had intercourse with Ozzy Osbourne, probably with the lights on too. She’s also stared at her own surgically enhanced face in the mirror, while wearing no make-up. She lets her dogs shit in the house.
However, it seems Sharon is a bit of a prude, especially when it comes to accidental porn.
Now, that’s not to say she’s discovered a new niche of bongo films, where people get off with each other while in a train wreck (it’s only a matter of time before that takes off), but rather, her cheery daughter, Kelly, has revealed that Sharon was left agog after someone accidentally sent some smut to her mobile.
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Kelly Osbourne, a girl who has more hang-ups than a gallows convention, is shouting her mouth off again in the hope that it makes her appear like she’s one of those Z clicking independent wimmin who won’t be taking no grief from no-one. OKAY?
However, she’s not being all feminist, rather, she’s saying that Hollywood only has two types of people. Charmingly, the two kinds of souls there are fall into either the bitch category, or under the umbrella of ‘slut’.
And with that, she’s confessed that she’d rather be a bitch than a slut. That’s the charm we’ve come to expect from a girl who has yet to work out her purpose in the world whilst taking it out on everyone else.
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Kelly Osbourne, who has found out the hard way that you can lose loads of weight but alas, it doesn’t make your massive skull any smaller, is a woman scorned. Her ex, a model called Luke Worrall, cheated on her over Christmas and it all went tits-up.
However, the rags were thrilled about the whole thing because there was a twist in the tale! Worrall cheated on Osbourne with Elle Schneider who, GET THIS, was once a man called Reynaldo Gonzalez!
IMAGINE THAT?!
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Poor old Kelly Osbourne. After years of being chided for her masculine features – her strong jaw, wrestler’s shoulders and mouth like a inebriated docker – she’s finally managed to slim down to a rough approximation of femininity and find a lovely Aryan man-child to become her fiancé, only to get cheated on with a man.
Well, an ex-man, to be precise. Nearly. She still has a penis, and is pre-op. So it’s really a technically either way.
Anyway, sod it, we’re going to use the feminine pronoun for the rest of this and you can all fight it out in the comments or use your rage as an excuse to wrestle with that sex doll of indeterminate gender and species you have in the cupboard. You know, the one you’ve named after your mum.
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