Rant - HecklerSpray

Courtney Love: Soon To Be Massively Homeless And Other Laughs

December 15th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Imagine being Courtney Love for a second. Imagine, if you can, what it must be like to be that mental. Try and picture the look on people’s faces are you haul your bizarre face around the streets of the world. Just think, how brilliant it must be to be so deluded that you carry all this off thinking you’re brilliant!

All this, despite the fact you’ve never made a decent record in your life, got your child taken off you for being an outrageous smack-head, fallen out with your deceased husband’s friends (who you were accused of killing in a film) and now, being ignored by your own daughter.

AND NOW SHE MIGHT BE HOMELESS! That’s right, our Courtney – as we previously reported – was involved in a fire at her New York City apartment. Trouble is now knocking on her charred door.

Courtney Love In Bizarre Nirvana Rant And Massive Homophobia, Which Is Splendid

November 23rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Courtney Love’s mother-in-law doesn’t have a front door. She has black mold. Her sister-in-law is homeless. Meanwhile, Dave Grohl bought an Aston Martin last week. It’s an awful state of affairs isn’t it?

Of course, some of you may be wondering where this has come from. Well, these ‘facts’ have come from the oddly shaped mouth of Courtney herself who wants to point out what a dreadful rotter Dave Grohl is and how hard done to Courtney’s family are.

One question: Why doesn’t Courtney Love who, by her own admission earns ‘tons of money’, buy her mother-in-law a front door and put her sister up in one of her large houses? Either way, there’s some videos over the jump which show Courtney and her Hole fans enjoying some nice homophobia.

Kelly Osbourne Has A Dig At Ex Via Twitter With Her Massively Loud Mouth

July 28th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Say what you like about Kelly Osbourne, but… no, seriously. Say whatever you like. We’re not Kelly Osbourne so we’re not going to defend her. That’s because she’s rather fond of doing it for herself.

See, Kelly has had a privileged but awkward upbringing, and so, as some coping mechanism, developed a really loud mouth.

If you go after her, she’ll probably huff and puff and yell your house down. So, when an ex of hers starts slating her on twitter, she’s not likely to take it lying down is she? Especially when she’s still grieving over the loss of her friend, Amy Winehouse.

World Goes Into Mourning After Kelly Osbourne’s Stupid Dog Dies

June 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Dog owners are idiots. They dote on their flea-bitten shit-factories like they’re proper members of the family, despite the fact they do no work around the house, demand food and walkies and are only good for blaming your flatulence on.

Not that dog owners would ever let on. They look into their idiot dog’s eyes and mistake stupidity for some kind of human empathy. ‘My dog understands me and is always there when I need them!’ Dogs are always there, period. They’re after food or a piss, not a heart-to-heart. Dogs probably don’t even have hearts. Just more shit.

Of course, the rest of us perfectly sensible humans have to put up with people when their dogs die. We suffered like Jesus on the cross when Jennifer Aniston’s dog passed-away, and now, we are required to do the same for Kelly Osbourne who has lost the only thing in her life that she felt was an intellectual equal.

Sharon Osbourne And Porn In The Same Headline

June 9th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You’d think that Sharon Osbourne was unshockable wouldn’t you? After all, she’s willingly had intercourse with Ozzy Osbourne, probably with the lights on too. She’s also stared at her own surgically enhanced face in the mirror, while wearing no make-up. She lets her dogs shit in the house.

However, it seems Sharon is a bit of a prude, especially when it comes to accidental porn.

Now, that’s not to say she’s discovered a new niche of bongo films, where people get off with each other while in a train wreck (it’s only a matter of time before that takes off), but rather, her cheery daughter, Kelly, has revealed that Sharon was left agog after someone accidentally sent some smut to her mobile.

Uh-oh! Kelly Osbourne Is Justifying Her Horrible Personality Again!

April 19th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Kelly Osbourne, a girl who has more hang-ups than a gallows convention, is shouting her mouth off again in the hope that it makes her appear like she’s one of those Z clicking independent wimmin who won’t be taking no grief from no-one. OKAY?

However, she’s not being all feminist, rather, she’s saying that Hollywood only has two types of people. Charmingly, the two kinds of souls there are fall into either the bitch category, or under the umbrella of ‘slut’.

And with that, she’s confessed that she’d rather be a bitch than a slut. That’s the charm we’ve come to expect from a girl who has yet to work out her purpose in the world whilst taking it out on everyone else.

Kelly Osbourne Bonds With Transsexual Who Her Ex Had It Off With

January 25th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Kelly Osbourne, who has found out the hard way that you can lose loads of weight but alas, it doesn’t make your massive skull any smaller, is a woman scorned. Her ex, a model called Luke Worrall, cheated on her over Christmas and it all went tits-up.

However, the rags were thrilled about the whole thing because there was a twist in the tale! Worrall cheated on Osbourne with Elle Schneider who, GET THIS, was once a man called Reynaldo Gonzalez!

IMAGINE THAT?!

Girls Who Are Boys, Who Like Boys To Be Girls…Courtesy Of Kelly Osbourne

January 17th, 2011 By Ralph Sanders

Poor old Kelly Osbourne. After years of being chided for her masculine features – her strong jaw, wrestler?s shoulders and mouth like a inebriated docker ? she's finally managed to slim down to a rough approximation of femininity and find a lovely Aryan man-child to become her fianc?, only to get cheated on with a man.

Well, an ex-man, to be precise. Nearly. She still has a penis, and is pre-op. So it's really a technically either way.

Anyway, sod it, we’re going to use the feminine pronoun for the rest of this and you can all fight it out in the comments or use your rage as an excuse to wrestle with that sex doll of indeterminate gender and species you have in the cupboard. You know, the one you've named after your mum.

Kelly Osbourne Gets Cheated On By Someone Called Luke Worrall For Christmas

December 31st, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Kelly Osbourne has learned that, once you lose loads of weight, it is much easier for nasty sorts to get through your ribcage and cause you heartache. It’s a good thing that festive food and drink is an excellent substitute for feelings.

That’s because our Kelly has had a turbulent end to 2010, resulting in a rather sweary rant on twitter (yes, we’re astonished as well).

Osbourne went off on one like a mad-thing against her now former fiance Luke Worrall, who we’ve never heard of either. All we know is that he looks like a cross between Spike from Buffy and a ten year old Aryan posterboy.

Chris Evans And Chris Moyles Lose Listeners On Radio Because They’re Idiots

October 28th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

You have to like the sound of your own voice if you work in radio. It’s the nature of the job isn’t it? However, some DJs like the sound of their own voices so much that you can convince yourself that they don’t play a single record during a broadcast, preferring instead, to endlessly dribble on about themselves into the mic, later to pass it off with a mixture of faux self deprecation and gakky self confidence.

Of course, we’re talking about the gruesome twosome that is Chris Evans and Chris Moyles. The pair locked egos recently after Moyles decided to have a whine about not being paid on time.

And hilariously, since then, both DJs have lost a shedful of listeners!