Without its gleam-toothed, bumpube-haired talisman Simon Cowell, American Idol has found itself in a muddle.
What happens now? Can American Idol survive? Can it bank on Randy Jackson to speak in full sentences from now on? Or Ellen DeGeneres to stop being so tediously nice all the time? Or Kara DioGuardi to finally work out what her point is? Probably not. And that’s why they might all be getting sacked quite soon.
If reports are to be believed, former American Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe might be about to return to the show. And if that happens, it’s expected that his first move will involve firing Randy, Ellen and Kara and bringing in Justin Timberlake, Elton John and Usher as judges. No word on who’ll replace Ryan Seacrest, though. He is being replaced, right? Oh, say that he’s being replaced.
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Randy Jackson is outraged.
He’s so outraged that he has resorted to using his Twitter account to state that the upcoming auction of brother Michael’s memorabilia by Julien’s Auction House in Los Angeles is in some way bad taste, whilst ignoring the horrifyingly repugnant nature of the chavvy diamond-encrusted self-aggrandising tat that is actually for sale.
He Tweets: “I was in the process of expressing how distasteful it is for Julien Auction House 2 (to) hold an auction on the day my brother passed”.
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American Idol newbie Ellen DeGeneres (who has a name containing more Es than Lil Wayne’s tour bus) and head honcho Simon Cowell have reportedly fallen out behind the scenes of the talent show.
Apparently the frostiness between the pair began after Cowell pitched up an hour and a half late for the first day of Ellen’s tenure as a judge on the show. Problems have worsened recently because – and get this – Ellen thinks that Simon Cowell is quite rude to some of the contestants at times. He’s kept that quiet hasn’t he? How has no one noticed before?
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Poor Kara DioGuardi. All she wants is to sit around pointlessly on the American Idol judging panel saying nothing of interest.
But everyone makes it so hard for her. Simon Cowell has had his run-ins with Kara. Paula Abdul disliked Kara so much that she ended up leaving American Idol after one just season with her. And the public in general eye Kara with suspicion, knowing that her most significant contribution to American Idol will be the ghastly greeting card jingle she’ll write for the winner.
But at least Kara DioGuardi can make friends with the new American Idol guest judges, right? Like last night’s Katy Perry? Who took every opportunity to snipe at Kara? And at one point threatened to throw a drink in her face? Oh.
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Somewhere, right now, Randy Jackson is rocking backwards and forwards, giggling to himself like a giddy toddler.
To be fair, that’s no surprise. We like to think that ‘rocking backwards and forwards, giggling to himself like a giddy toddler’ is one of Randy Jackson’s three default modes, along with ‘pointing at things and shouting the word “dog”‘ and ‘unsuccessfully trying to high-five his own shadow’. But we digress – this time Randy Jackson is giggling to himself because it looks like American Idol just became The Randy Jackson Funtime Hour.
Why? Because new American Idol judge Ellen DeGeneres has said that if Simon Cowell leaves the show, she’ll leave too. And Simon is almost definitely leaving. That just leaves Randy, that other woman, and the two nightmarish, boggle-eyed, semi-melted ventriloquist dummies that Randy is keen to fill the vacant panel seats with. We can’t wait.
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When Michael Jackson died the world let out a gasp.
Some did so out of a profound sadness, some out of shock, and some just because now their wee sons could go outside unattended.
Not long after, people started worrying about Jackson’s estate. Who would get his Beatles rights? Who’d inherit the dusty set of Captain EO - and what was to happen to his pickled penis?
We heard it’s had kind of a dill/vinegar wrap on since he was twelve.
It ends up the will that made such material designations – according to Randy Jackson – it has a forged signature.
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Like most of the planet, we’ve spent the last few weeks weeping hysterically along to the words of Dirty Diana, or turning up at beat poetry nights to deliver a sobbed version of Billie Jean with a simple bass drum accompaniment.
Our grief, it seemed, was never going to end. At one point we even considered having Michael Jackson‘s strange clown face tattooed onto our own faces, so that we could spend the rest of our lives singing Man in the Mirror in front of a mirror. To the man in the mirror.
And then we realised two things. Firstly, we realised that we prefer Prince. Secondly, there are lots of other Jacksons to fall in love with. “Could one of them replace Michael?” we whispered to a passing old man. His silence told us everything we needed to know. Yes. One of them could. But which one?
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American Idol is really hotting up at the moment, what with all that singing and crying and blah blah blah.
But the big question is, who’s going to win? It’d be sensible to ask the American Idol judges. But who? Not Simon because his teeth might burn a hole into your retinas. Not Paula because you’d want a legible answer and not the new judge because she looks so much like the photographer from Just Shoot Me that it honestly freaks us out.
So that leaves Randy Jackson. And he says a boy will win American Idol. So that’s that.
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