Calling all you single ladies! Have you starred in a successful sitcom in the last 20 years that’s completely overshadowed the rest of your career?

Then good news!

You can follow in the footsteps of Sarah Chalke and resign yourself to the fact that you’ll never amount to anything more than a 1 dimensional stereotype that never managed to get top billing and decide to see out the rest of your days rubbing your thighs and being all sassy on, what is fast becoming television’s equivalent of a hospice, Cougar Town.

The artist formerly known as Elliot from Scrubs has traded her stethoscope for a 14 year old Philipino boy with rock hard abs and an oh-so-stylish moustache that just about makes him look legal, to join forces with the woman formerly known as Jordan from Scrubs, as well as that one from Friends who used to be married to David Arquette and the one from Freaks and Geeks who was the only one to not have a semi decent career.

With Chalke now on board, we here at hecklerspray can’t help but wonder who will be next to spread their legs and fly genitals first into Cougar Town.

Julie Benz

Benz was dramatically offed at the very end of Dexter, series 4, so maybe it’s time for her to dramatically get off with the pool boy and just accept that Dexter was the pinnacle of her career. Unless you count that last Rambo sequel… in which case we suggest you get help.

Kristin Davis

Sex and the City was massive. So massive that every woman in the world is either a Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha or A Ginger One. The TV series was so massive that it spawned 2 entire films that seemed to be specifically designed to torment boyfriends and male cinema staff all over the world. Let’s be honest Kristin, no matter how many sex tapes you release you’ll never escape the fact that you ARE Charlotte. Why not embrace this inevitability and have her strut her way back onto our screens via the mean streets of Cougar Town.

Sean Hayes

Actor/producer/writer. Sean Hayes, much like his Will and Grace character Jack McFarland, really is a triple threat. Unfortunately this threat hasn’t been too threatening since his stint as the ultra camp performance artist. Sean needs to tap dance his way back onto our screens and provide Cougar Town with the musical numbers it so richly deserves. Besides, Cougar Town is going to need at least one old queen to mop up its snail trail sodden streets.

Place your bets now, before the menopause takes hold and dries Cougar Town up.

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The Rocky films are great aren’t they? They started off as a gritty fictional document of a rising boxing star, closing with a film that showed Rocky Balboa resembling a relaxed, tanned phallus that has been dipped in a particularly aggressive wasp nest.

And while you think that Rocky was out for the count (or, It Really Should’ve Thrown The Towel In At Rocky IV Because It Was Ace), you’d be massively wrong.

That’s because Rocky is climbing up the ropes again in slow motion, this time with another hugely stupid idea which sounds like the work of a satirist. Ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner we have decency which is already weeping… and his opponent, in the red corner, Rocky: The Broadway Musical!

That’s right. You are not dreaming that last sentence. A team of berks, comprising of Tony Award-winning songwriters Lynn Ahrens and Stephen Flaherty, alongside Thomas Meehan who has been involved with Hairspray, Annie and The Producers, are working on a musical adaptation of a bunch of films that star a central character who talks like he’s deaf.

The show is set to hit Broadway by 2013.

Better yet is that Sylvester Stallone is throwing his oar in, attending a private reading of the show which was held in New York recently.

Meehan says:

“At first I thought, all the world needs is a ‘Rocky’ musical. But then I looked at the film. I thought it had beautiful construction and such high emotion, and it was a natural musical: There is a David and Goliath story, a Cinderella story, a love story between two outcasts. It’s less about boxing than about finding self-respect and finding your soul mate.”

So, what can we expect from Rocky: The Musical?

Well, initially, we’d hoped it would just be two fellas on a stage knocking forty shades of shit out of each other, allowing pretentious theatre-goers to coo about how visceral and ‘powerfully brutal’ the whole spectacle is. However, it is clear that this wouldn’t be enough as a musical with no songs isn’t a musical at all.

As such, we’d like to see a rendition of a song called ‘Adrian’ (yes, that’s how you spell it. No, it isn’t ‘Adrienne’. We know. Don’t blame us), which sees the assembled cast delivering the name, over and over in the iconic manner that Stallone delivered it in the film, leaving audiences treated to a sound not unlike six bull seals being clubbed over the head with rubber mallets.

We’d also like to see a song based on the robot that Paulie gets for his birthday. And don’t forget James Brown’s ‘Livin’ In America’. It would be utterly, utterly pointless without it.

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Sylvester Stallone is a hilarious man with an even more hilarious face, topped by his even more amusing voice. He’s a man who has made a career of sounding like he’s been stung on the tongue by a nest of wasps.

Of course, he’s much more than a mere actor. He’s a director, writer and launched the movie themed Planet Hollywood restaurant chain which are uniformly awful. That said, it’s kinda cool to eat a burger next to Spock’s ears in a clear perspex case.

He’s also a big promoter of cigarettes in his films and likes getting caught in Australia with human growth hormone vials. And now, to add to this glittering CV, he’s going to launch a menswear line.

You heard.

Sly will be his very own clothing line and, bafflingly, it’ll be based on his two most famous roles – Rambo and Rocky. In his words, the range “looks for the rebel and the gentleman”, whatever that means.

So what can we look forward to? Well, aside from the dull t-shirts that will invariably hit the shelves that feature the words “ROCKY” and “RAMBO” on them, he could really go to town with his choices.

We’d like to see a sleeve made of pig meat which you sport, complete with First Blood wound which you can stitch up yourself in public while being pursued by a grimacing penis. We’d also enjoy it if you could by a facemask which makes you look like the blacked-up Rambo, complete with head band and perma-scowl.

As for the Rocky line, there should definitely by some kind of cap that fits on your head so tightly that if makes you talk like you’ve got brain damaged from being repeatedly punched in the mind by gigantic Russians.

Failing that, he should make tailor-made robot outfits that transform us into the robot that Paulie gets for his birthday in Rocky 4.

If these things don’t happen, then it’ll have been a ginormous waste of everybody’s time.

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From unstoppable robots with Austrian accents to psychopathic Cuban gangsters, it seems we cannot get enough of badasses on the silver screen.

But what is it about them that we love so much? They are not exactly the chatty types. In fact, they tend not to have too many friends and take themselves a little bit too seriously. And let’s not even mention their taste in clothes.

But, then again, wouldn’t you love to be one of the movie characters listed below for just one day?

Believe us, narrowing the list down was no mean feat. Hollywood is littered with hundreds of would-be badasses.

To make it slightly easier, we’ve tried to steer clear of animated characters and superheroes. But we are sure you will have your own suggestions. Anyway, enjoy!

22. El Mariachi (Antonio Bandera)
Film: Mariachi trilogy

21. Carter (Michael Caine)
Film: Get Carter

20. Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt)
Film: Fight Club

19. Jimmy “Popeye” Doyle (Gene Hackman)
Film: The French Connection

18. The Bride(Uma Thurman)
Film: Kill Bill

17. Leon (Jean Reno)
Film: Leon (aka The Professional)

16. T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Films: Terminator Trilogy

15. Lt. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver)
Film: Alien series

14. Dae-su Oh (Choi Min-Sik)
Film: Oldboy

13. John McClane (Bruce Willis)
Films: Die Hard series

12. Johnny Rambo (Sly Stallone)
Film: Rambo series

11. King Leonidas (Gerard Butler)
Film: 300

10. Maximus (Russell Crowe)
Film: Gladiator

9. Jules (Samuel L. Jackson)
Film: Pulp Fiction

8. Tony Montana (Al Pacino)
Film: Scarface

7. Boba Fett (Jeremy Bulloch)
Films: Star Wars series

6. The Man with no Name (Clint Eastwood)
Films: Dollars trilogy

5. ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood)
Films: Dirty Harry movies

4. Any character played by Chuck Norris

3. Darth Vader (David Prowse, James Earl Jones)
Films: Star Wars IV-VI

2. The Joker (Heath Ledger)
Film: The Dark Knight

1. Ash (Bruce Campbell)
Films: Evil Dead Trilogy

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This year’s Rambo gave the world just what it needed – an unnaturally jacked-up sexagenarian doing gory murder on millions of foreigners.

And, make no mistake, Rambo worked on every conceivable level – as a flat-out action movie, as a piece of issue-based social filmmaking, as a way of utterly obliterating the Burmese tourist industry, as a warning against the use of HGH at an advanced age, as a reminder that nobody looks good with a mullet. We could go on.

But anyway, that’s why we’re thrilled at the news that Sylvester Stallone has just signed on to direct Rambo 5, due to start filming next year. What’s more, Sylvester Stallone is also thought to be writing Rambo 6. Plus Stallone wants Rambo 7 to be an animated cartoon, and Rambo 8 to be a musical, and Rambo 9 to be a stageplay and Rambo 10 to be a remake of Rambo 6 starring children and puppets and Rambo 11 to be an avant-garde Warhol-style close-up of one of his own eyelashes that lasts for 48 hours.

All true. Except for the last 57 words.

Though easy to mock at the time, when Sylvester Stallone revisited one of his most famous cinematic creations for Rocky Balboa, he crafted an elegant, eloquent finale to the series that dropped the overblown posturing of its previous sequels and let the character go with a respect and dignity that nobody really thought possible.

And, right after that, Sylvester Stallone made another Rambo movie, about an old bloke killing everything and running around going “Aaargh!” a lot. So it all balances out.

And, unquestionably, Rambo was a success. It made money. It regained Sylvester Stallone’s position as the daddy of the gormless action movie. It reminded Americans that diplomacy never works and the only to resolve international disputes is to send a mental old pensioner into the woods to tear out peoples’ throats and shred them to pieces with a minigun.

That’s why it’s nothing short of genius that Sylvester Stallone has just signed up to make Rambo 5, while simultaneously writing Rambo 6. Moviehole reports:

The aging action-hero has already written “Rambo 5” – rumoured to be shooting next year in Bulgaria, though set in the United States – and is about to put pen to paper on a sixth installment of the series. Also, the next two films won’t be War films like the original movies… but just straight-up action thrillers.

That’s awesome news – when it comes to near-silent beefcakes mumbling something vaguely philosophical before firing 600 arrows through a guerrilla’s face, nobody does it better than Sylvester Stallone. But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here – we still have our reservations about Rambo 5 and Rambo 6. For instance:

*Action thrillers? That sounds terrible. Scooby Doo is an action thriller. If Rambo 5 is about Sylvester Stallone investigating a haunted funfair we’re going to be deeply pissed off.

*To make Rambo 5 better than Rambo 4, Stallone clearly needs to up the body count. We’re not sure that’s even physically possible, to be honest, unless the whole film is just a fast-forwarded domino line of shifty-looking south east Asian men getting their faces blown off one after another for a full day.

*If Rambo 5 starts filming next year, Sylvester Stallone will be 63, so he could feasibly be in his late sixties by the time Rambo 6 rolls around. Let’s hope that Sylvester Stallone has already factored that into the script and made sure that Rambo’s biggest enemies in that film are incontinence and an inability to eat soup properly.

*Remember that Sylvester Stallone needed vast quantities of Human Growth Hormone to keep him in shape for Rambo 4. We wouldn’t be surprised if, for Rambo 6, Stallone has to resort to drinking babies’ spinal fluid and injecting himself with unicorn semen.

Other than all that, though, great. We can’t wait.

Read more:

Sly Directing Rambo 5 – Moviehole

The first: Goooooooood.
The second: Baaaaaaaad.

Folded:

• Rambo on DVD (‘cos the man is a beast)

• Darth Vader does Thriller (quite funny really)

• Low-cost, small town clothing retailers: ‘Bobby Dazzler’, ‘ReVamp’ and the like (probably the best shop names in the world)

• Electric Feel by MGMT (awash with 80’s influences, this corking tune is about to be played to death)

• Clarkson’s Car Years on Dave (laugh at his hair; laugh at his June 2000 prediction that the supercar is dead)

Creased:

• The sad passing of movie effects auteur Stan Winston (from The Terminator to Aliens to Predator to Iron Man, this genius had a hand in everything great)

• The Decent 2 (how, we don’t know. We’re worried)

• GTA IV fatigue (for all its perfecto gameplay, once GTA‘s main plot is done and dusted the re-play factor isn’t that high)

• The miserable surgeons of Grey’s Anatomy (a self-involved bunch of smart ass tossers. Except Addison, she’s a sexy lady)

• ‘McDreamy’ (see above – a live-action Ken doll, only with less brain matter)

What we are raving about and what we are crying over.

Folded:

• Rambo 4 (I see dead people)

• James (imagine if you had all this lot in one room, put them all on chairs then invited your mates round for a beer. It’ll certainly get you out of any further Best Man duties)

• Jennifer Rafferty (find this talented lady a more interesting/less commercial sound)

• Mother’s Day (got one? Buy her something nice. She’s dead? Buy her some flowers)

• Vintage ‘Nostalgia Collection’ Action Man (why don’t you grow up? No, we’re fine, thanks)

Creased:

• Russell Brand nude (nobody needs it and, as far as we are aware, nobody has asked for it either)

• Tesco garlic and herb ready-cooked chicken (smells nice in the shop. Get one home and it tastes like stomach lining)

• Delicate universal remotes (ok, unless you breathe on them – then they reset for the tenth time and you explode)

• Juno original soundtrack (worse than a student union poetry reading)

• Oscar 2008 (No Country For Old Men is a great movie, but an Academy Award for adapting the screenplay to be almost exactly the same as the book? No, it should have gone to The Diving Bell And The Butterfly)

Thanks to the success of the new Rocky film and the new Rambo film, Sylvester Stallone is on top of the world right now – and he knows exactly what to do next.

That's right – more Rocky and Rambo films! Possibly. Sylvester Stallone has just signed a two-movie deal to direct and star in two brand new action films, and already it's thought that Stallone is working on sequels to Rocky Balboa and the new Rambo movie.

And why not. Sylvester Stallone has only ever had three good ideas in his life, and two of them were Rocky and Rambo. He'd make a film of his third good idea, but it's hard to make figuring out that shoes go on your feet instead of your hands very cinematic.

Until Britney Spears records a new album called I Have A Distressing Mental Illness, there's not better example of art imitating life than Sylvester Stallone. When he made Rocky he was a nobody, just like Rocky. But by the time he made Rocky 5, he'd become like the Rocky of that movie, too – bloated, lazy, overprivileged and milking a single idea until it bleeds. And when Sylvester Stallone decided to make Rocky Balboa, he was at his lowest – just like Rocky. It was a graceful comeback for the both of them.

And there's a similar sort of thing with Rambo, too, only with more guns and fighting and throat-ripping and whatnot.

Anyway, the relative box office successes of Rocky Balboa and Rambo mean that Sylvester Stallone can do whatever he likes again. And, as we all know, that means a bunch of foreigners are going to be killed horribly. Reuters reports:

Boxoffice comeback champ Sylvester Stallone has inked a lucrative deal to direct and star in two action films with "Rambo" producer Danny Dimbort. Several scripts are being considered for follow-ups to his surprise hit sequels to "First Blood" and "Rocky." With Nu Image/Millennium's new Writers Guild of America interim deal speeding up the process, the first script is expected to be ready by the fall, with production set to begin shortly thereafter.

Now, obviously it hasn't been made explicit that Sylvester Stallone will make a new Rocky movie and a new Rambo movie – especially since he's been telling people that he doesn't want to make any more of either of them – but we can't see how he even has a choice, because the other options are so stupid.

The reason people have went to see Rocky and Rambo was because of nostalgia – give Stallone a fresh new character to play and he'll need to do ten times as much work to convince people to watch it, because it'd just be a film about an angry 61-year-old man. And the other alternative is even worse – a sequel to one of Sylvester Stallone's non-Rocky, non-Rambo films. Would you go and see Demolition Man 2: Back And Even More Demolitiony? Us neither.

So let's just assume that Sylvester Stallone is working on more Rambo movies – which begs the question of how the hell he's going to manage it. When he was making the last one Stallone was chugging Human Growth Hormone like a thing possessed, so it defies logic that someone so old and out of shape would want to try and recapture their youth even though they know that they're now nothing more than an embarrassing public figure of mockery.

No, wait, we were thinking of New Kids On The Block. Sylvester Stallone should be fine.

Read more:

Stallone back in action with 2-film deal – Reuters