Calling all you single ladies! Have you starred in a successful sitcom in the last 20 years that’s completely overshadowed the rest of your career?
Then good news!
You can follow in the footsteps of Sarah Chalke and resign yourself to the fact that you’ll never amount to anything more than a 1 dimensional stereotype that never managed to get top billing and decide to see out the rest of your days rubbing your thighs and being all sassy on, what is fast becoming television’s equivalent of a hospice, Cougar Town.
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The Rocky films are great aren’t they? They started off as a gritty fictional document of a rising boxing star, closing with a film that showed Rocky Balboa resembling a relaxed, tanned phallus that has been dipped in a particularly aggressive wasp nest.
And while you think that Rocky was out for the count (or, It Really Should’ve Thrown The Towel In At Rocky IV Because It Was Ace), you’d be massively wrong.
That’s because Rocky is climbing up the ropes again in slow motion, this time with another hugely stupid idea which sounds like the work of a satirist. Ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner we have decency which is already weeping… and his opponent, in the red corner, Rocky: The Broadway Musical!
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Sylvester Stallone is a hilarious man with an even more hilarious face, topped by his even more amusing voice. He’s a man who has made a career of sounding like he’s been stung on the tongue by a nest of wasps.
Of course, he’s much more than a mere actor. He’s a director, writer and launched the movie themed Planet Hollywood restaurant chain which are uniformly awful. That said, it’s kinda cool to eat a burger next to Spock’s ears in a clear perspex case.
He’s also a big promoter of cigarettes in his films and likes getting caught in Australia with human growth hormone vials. And now, to add to this glittering CV, he’s going to launch a menswear line.
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From unstoppable robots with Austrian accents to psychopathic Cuban gangsters, it seems we cannot get enough of badasses on the silver screen.
But what is it about them that we love so much? They are not exactly the chatty types. In fact, they tend not to have too many friends and take themselves a little bit too seriously. And let’s not even mention their taste in clothes.
But, then again, wouldn’t you love to be one of the movie characters listed below for just one day?
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This year’s Rambo gave the world just what it needed – an unnaturally jacked-up sexagenarian doing gory murder on millions of foreigners.
And, make no mistake, Rambo worked on every conceivable level – as a flat-out action movie, as a piece of issue-based social filmmaking, as a way of utterly obliterating the Burmese tourist industry, as a warning against the use of HGH at an advanced age, as a reminder that nobody looks good with a mullet. We could go on.
But anyway, that’s why we’re thrilled at the news that Sylvester Stallone has just signed on to direct Rambo 5, due to start filming next year. What’s more, Sylvester Stallone is also thought to be writing Rambo 6. Plus Stallone wants Rambo 7 to be an animated cartoon, and Rambo 8 to be a musical, and Rambo 9 to be a stageplay and Rambo 10 to be a remake of Rambo 6 starring children and puppets and Rambo 11 to be an avant-garde Warhol-style close-up of one of his own eyelashes that lasts for 48 hours.
All true. Except for the last 57 words.
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This year's Rambo gave the world just what it needed - an unnaturally jacked-up sexagenarian doing gory murder on millions of foreigners.
And, make no mistake, Rambo worked on every conceivable level - as a flat-out action movie, as a piece of issue-based social filmmaking, as a way of utterly obliterating the Burmese tourist industry, as a warning against the use of HGH at an advanced age, as a reminder that nobody looks good with a mullet. We could go on.
But anyway, that's why we're thrilled at the news that Sylvester Stallone has just signed on to direct Rambo 5, due to start filming next year. What's more, Sylvester Stallone is also thought to be writing Rambo 6. Plus Stallone wants Rambo 7 to be an animated cartoon, and Rambo 8 to be a musical, and Rambo 9 to be a stageplay and Rambo 10 to be a remake of Rambo 6 starring children and puppets and Rambo 11 to be an avant-garde Warhol-style close-up of one of his own eyelashes that lasts for 48 hours.
All true. Except for the last 57 words.
The first: Goooooooood.
The second: Baaaaaaaad.
Folded:
- Rambo on DVD (‘cos the man is a beast)
- Low-cost, small town clothing retailers: ‘Bobby Dazzler’, ‘ReVamp’ and the like (probably the best shop names in the world)
- Clarkson’s Car Years on Dave (laugh at his hair; laugh at his June 2000 prediction that the supercar is dead)
Creased:
- The sad passing of movie effects auteur Stan Winston (from The Terminator to Aliens to Predator to Iron Man, this genius had a hand in everything great)
- GTA IV fatigue (for all its perfecto gameplay, once GTA‘s main plot is done and dusted the re-play factor isn’t that high)
- The miserable surgeons of Grey’s Anatomy (a self-involved bunch of smart ass tossers. Except Addison, she’s a sexy lady)
- ‘McDreamy’ (see above – a live-action Ken doll, only with less brain matter)
What we are raving about and what we are crying over.
Folded:
- James (imagine if you had all this lot in one room, put them all on chairs then invited your mates round for a beer. It’ll certainly get you out of any further Best Man duties)
- Mother’s Day (got one? Buy her something nice. She’s dead? Buy her some flowers)
Creased:
- Russell Brand nude (nobody needs it and, as far as we are aware, nobody has asked for it either)
- Delicate universal remotes (ok, unless you breathe on them – then they reset for the tenth time and you explode)
Thanks to the success of the new Rocky film and the new Rambo film, Sylvester Stallone is on top of the world right now – and he knows exactly what to do next.
That's right – more Rocky and Rambo films! Possibly. Sylvester Stallone has just signed a two-movie deal to direct and star in two brand new action films, and already it's thought that Stallone is working on sequels to Rocky Balboa and the new Rambo movie.
And why not. Sylvester Stallone has only ever had three good ideas in his life, and two of them were Rocky and Rambo. He'd make a film of his third good idea, but it's hard to make figuring out that shoes go on your feet instead of your hands very cinematic.
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