And get this – he’s not enjoying it. Apparently the prison service didn’t get Raffaello Follieri’s memo about the goose-feather pillows, double-quilted toilet roll or how he wanted a cell with a veranda overlooking the lake and, well, he’s thrown a bit of a strop about it.

According to reports, Raffaello Follieri has already requested to move jails because the one he’s in is unsanitary and he’s got blood in his urine. We don’t know exactly how Raffaello got blood in his urine, but since he’s sharing a windowless dormitory with 120 criminals and he looks exactly like the gruesome lovechild of Piers Morgan and Zach Braff, we’d probably guess that he’s been beaten up a bit.

Fate’s a bugger, isn’t it? One minute you’re living the high life, mixing with world leaders and filmstars on expensive yachts and then going home to have it away with one of the world’s most beautiful women, and the next you’re trapped in an airless room the size of a shoebox with dozens of angry criminals all sharing the same rat-infested shower room.

That’s the fate that Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend and Vatican-based property scammer extraordinaire Raffaello Follieri has found himself in. Since he was arrested for conning rafts of gullible strangers out of millions of dollars back in June, Raffaello Follieri’s life has been plunged into a downwards spiral that’s involved being dumped by Anne Hathaway, being kept in remand because of his unusually high flight risk and, most recently, being sentenced to four and a half years in jail.

And all through this, Raffaello Follieri has taken all the blows like a man. Unfortunately he’s been taking them like an Italian man, which means that he’s done nothing but bitch about it all like a whiny little princess. He’s already said that he only started conning people so that Anne Hathaway would love him, and now he’s moved onto the state of his accommodation.

Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer has requested that her client be moved into a slightly more luxurious facility because the interim dormitory he’s being housed in is so dirty that it’s made him a little bit poorly. E! Online reports:

“He says that he cannot eat because the food appears to be spoiled and that the toilet and shower facilities are unspeakably unsanitary,” attorney Flora Edwards wrote in a letter released Wednesday to Reuters. Follieri is running a fever and has blood in his urine, the letter continued. “There is excrement in the shower and rats are roaming freely in the area. He says the stench is intolerable and his health is deteriorating.”

Spoiled food? Stinking, unsanitary toilets? Shit-covered, rat-infested showers? We don’t know where exactly Raffaello Follieri is being held, but we’ve got a hunch it might be Benidorm.

Anyway, we hope that Raffaello Follieri gets his wish and is moved to a slightly nicer detention centre as quickly as possible. After all, he’s in jail to be punished for a crime he committed, and he’s never going to learn how to regret his actions if he’s too busy squealing that his toilet smells like bums, is he?

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Seriously, buy it. It’s definitely legit. The only funny-accented man to ever defraud strangers with dodgy property deals spuriously linked to the Catholic church – Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri – has just been thrown in jail for four and a half years.

This is wonderful news for two reasons. Not only is Raffaello Follieri being punished for his crimes, but we all know that nature hates a vacuum. All we need to do is buy a phony bishop outfit, adopt a ludicrous continental European accent and con some idiots out of millions of dollars and we’re almost completely certain that we’ll have Anne Hathaway licking the side of our face by Halloween.

If we were Anne Hathaway – which, honestly, is something we only dream about for like four or five hours a day – then we’d go hell for leather for the next four and a half years. We’d make as many films as possible, do as many talk shows as possible, go to all the parties and get romantically linked with as many British entertainment bloggers as possible, because this is her one shot at success without the shadow of her shady ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri looming behind her.

By pretending to be the Vatican’s chief financial officer and waving around a letter that he said the Pope wrote him, Raffaello Follieri was able to con all sorts of people out of millions of dollars in ill-advised property scams, and now he’s been punished for it.

And punished for it in the worst possible way – for the next four and a half years, Raffaello Follieri is going to be the man who looks most like Zach Braff in the entire US prison system, something which can only logically end up with a string of harrowing angry gang rapes. AP reports:

“I dishonored my family name and embarrassed the church I love. I’ll never be able to wash away that stain, and I will have to live with it the rest of my life,” Raffaello Follieri, 30, said through an Italian interpreter before he was sentenced. “I just hope someday those who have been hurt by my actions can forgive me.”

That’s odd. We assumed that the judge would take pity on Raffaello Follieri’s argument that he only defrauded all those investors so that Anne Hathaway would love him. After all, everybody knows that deep down they’d kick a puppy into a flooded quarry if it meant that Anne Hathaway would even look at them for a second, so defrauding a couple of religious property types hardly seems like that big a deal.

But at least now this means that Anne Hathaway is free of Raffaello Follieri, the man who was starting to become a bit of an albatross around her neck, forever. Even once he’s been released from jail, Follieri is going to be instantly deported back to Italy, so their paths will never have to ever cross ever again.

Well, until Anne Hathaway invariably decides to make Get Smart 4: Mamma Mia, Thassa One Spicy Meatball! in his hometown 2014, at least. We can only pray that the icecaps melt and kill us all long before then.

Just look at poor old Raffaello Follieri. He faces four years in jail for a litany of wire fraud offences stemming from his fraudulent claims to be close to the Vatican, but none of it is his fault. In fact, if you want to blame anyone you should point the finger at people like his moviestar ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway.

According to Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer, he only start conning people out of their savings to keep up with the lavish lifestyle that celebrities like Anne Hathaway lead. And there isn’t a single reason why we shouldn’t believe him, except that Raffaello Follieri is a convicted conman and Anne Hathaway has perfect skin and dreamy eyes that you could drown in. Oh screw it, we’re going on the rob as well. Hathaway must be ours!

Men turn to crime for many different reasons. Some are desperate and some are simply opportunists, but not Raffaello Follieri. Raffaello Follieri turned to crime for the purest reason there is – he wanted to dick an actress.

Chances are you know Raffaello Follieri’s story by now – how he played up false ties to the Catholic Church to con strangers out of millions of dollars in dodgy property deals and got arrested and now faces a four-year jail sentence – but we’ve only just learnt why it all happened.

It’s because all Raffaello Follieri wanted to do was keep his girlfriend Anne Hathaway happy and stocked up with flowers and jewellery and boxes of puppies and expensive breakfast cereal and whatever product it is that keeps her hair so lustrous and sexy. And the only way he could do that was to bring misery to a series of innocent property investors. If anything it should be Anne Hathaway who’s in prison, the bitch.

We’re paraphrasing, but that’s more or less the jist of the papers recently submitted to court by Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer requesting a sentence of three, rather than four, years in jail. The exact wording is:

When he was only 24 years old, this young man from a small city in the South of Italy found himself a successful international entrepreneur befriended by the rich and famous…He was surrounded by movie stars and celebrities and this young man who neither drinks nor smokes became intoxicated with it all. Unfortunately he lacked the resources to maintain the opulent life style of his new friends. Even more unfortunately, he had almost unfettered access to hundreds of thousands of dollars…

OK, OK Raffaello, you’ve won us over. That sounds like a marvellous property deal. Now where do we sign the… hey! Wait a minute! That wasn’t even a paragraph about your property scam and you still almost managed to con us out of our savings. You’re good, Follieri, we’ll give you that.

There’s another week to go until we can find out if Rafaello Follieri’s plea worked, because that’s when his sentencing is due. In the meantime, all he can do is sit and reflect on all the trouble that having a movie star girlfriend like Anne Hathaway can cause.

In fact we should all reflect on that. Let’s make a pact – none of us will go out with Anne Hathaway in case we’re dragged into a life of crime to fund it. Instead, we should probably all turn our sights onto Jennifer Aniston, because we hear that she lets you be her boyfriend for a ham sandwich and a go on your rollerskates.

So, bearing that in mind, Anne Hathaway is the luckiest girl around at the moment. Not only does Anne Hathaway keep a diary, but her ex-boyfriend is in custody for massive wire fraud and money laundering. That means – you guessed it – Anne Hathaway’s diaries have been seized by the FBI as evidence! Score!

The implications of this are gigantic – if these diaries aren’t carefully protected then Anne Hathaway’s deepest personal secrets could be made horribly public. We may soon learn of Anne’s fears, her opinions on her co-stars or even that secret crush she’s been nursing for the dashing editor of a British entertainment blog lately.

It was love at first sight when Anne Hathaway met Raffaello Follieri in 2004. How could it not be? She said “Hi, I’m the up-and-coming star of The Princess Diaries,” and he said “Lovely to meet you – I allegedly con several idiots out of millions of dollars by claiming to be a property developer who’s friends with the Pope.” The rest was history.

Pretty crap history, to be honest, but history nonetheless – Raffaello Follieri was arrested on 11 counts of fraud and is currently in jail under a $21 million bail and some suggest that it was Anne Hathaway who deliberately got him arrested in the first place. So what now?

Well that depends who you are. If you’re a criminal prosecutor involved in the case you’ll be painstakingly piecing together a compelling argument against Raffaello Follieri in order to halt his criminal wrongdoings in their track. Or, if you’re anyone else, you’ll be wishing like hell that Anne Hathaway’s private diaries that were just seized by the FBI as evidence will somehow make their way into the public.

Although Anne Hathaway isn’t under investigation in the Follieri case, her diaries have been confiscated by federal agents on the off-chance that they help. The New York Daily News reports:

The agents confiscated the intimate diaries of the “Devil Wears Prada” star during another raid on Follieri’s $37,500-a-month Trump Tower pad, according to the sources… Agents are also said to have seized photos of Follieri with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Pope John Paul II, and John and Cindy McCain.

We’ve got no idea why a photo of Raffaello Follieri standing next to John McCain is particularly incriminating – unless John McCain happened to be the guest speaker at the 12th Annual International Property Fraud Expo or something – but it’s fairly obvious why Anne Hathaway’s diaries were taken.

Face it, the absolute best case scenario for the FBI would be to uncover an entry reading “Dear diary, today Raff defrauded 18 rich idiots out of several million dollars, which we spent on puppydogs and jetskis. I love Raff and think all people are idiots.”

That’s probably not likely to show up, so the Feds are probably going to have to make do with the entry that reads “Dear diary, today I had a sleepover at Jennifer’s house. I’ve never seen so many young girls on the cusp of womanhood in such skimpy pyjamas! And Jennifer’s bedroom is quite small, so we all had to wriggle really close together! It got so sweaty, diary!”

We’re sure that would probably make do quite well.

But there's one thing that Anne Hathaway doesn't have any more, and that's a millionaire Italian boyfriend who's been arrested for possibly telling lies about being pals with the Pope to trick other stupid millionaires into giving him truckloads of cash. She hasn't even got one of those. What an idiot.

Anyway, it seems as if Anne Hathaway bailed from her relationship with Raffaello Follieri right before he was arrested by the FBI and locked up on a $21 million bail. A lucky escape?

Not according to some friends of Follieri, who are now claiming that Anne Hathaway was the person who ratted him out to the FBI in the first place. Exciting, huh? Just imagine how much more exciting it'd be if a) we knew who Raffaello Follieri was and b) we gave a toss about Anne Hathaway.

Female celebrities love a bad boy, whether it's Barbara Windsor and Ronnie Knight, Mel B and a man who once killed a duck with a brick or Alicia Keys and every fictional boyfriend she's ever had in any of her music videos ever. 

Even Anne Hathaway loves a bad boy. True, she might appear so wholesome and perfect that if you snuck up behind her and sawed her legs off at the knees she'd bleed wires and microchips instead of sloppy knee-guts, but Anne Hathaway's relationship with shady Italian businessman Raffaello Follieri has put an end to that image.

You'll remember that Raffaello Follieri was arrested recently over suspicions that he conned several rich dimwits out of millions of dollars by telling them that he was a great friend of the Pope and that the Pope had given him a cheeky heads-up on some cheap, cheap property investment opportunities, or something. Anyway, the law is taking this arrest so seriously that Follieri is still imprisoned pending a $21 million bail.

But the big question is who got Raffaello Follieri arrested in the first place? A highly-trained team of FBI agents who'd been investigating his business dealings with the expertise accrued from investigating hundreds of similar cases over a period spanning several years? Don't be daft, it was that bloody Anne Hathaway woman, wasn't it? Or maybe not!

Anyway, that's the case put forward by some of Follieri's friends, presumably after they'd finished bombing around Lake Como on speedboats braying and complimenting each other on the pastel cardigans they'd tied around their shoulders like a gang of foppishly ineffectual superheroes. Anyway, the New York Daily News has details:

"It makes sense," the friend said. "She's referred to as his former girlfriend in the indictment, even though her spokesman never confirmed they broke up… I think that in return for her co-operation, the feds held off on arresting Follieri until she was out of the country."

It's an interesting point, isn't it? What if Anne Hathaway decided that the best way to protect her career was to leave Raffaello in the lurch and dob him in to the cops? That way Anne Hathaway would remain blissfully free of controversy, except for that one movie she made where she got naked; a movie which, if our local DVD store is correct, is called Crikey Shit! Look At Anne Hathaway's Hooters! Look At Them!

But, whatever claims have been made against Anne Hathaway, there's just something about this story that doesn't ring true. Call us crazy, but we'd have thought that Anne would have wanted to be implicated in large-scale criminal fraud trial.

Because, seriously, if we were given a choice between that and having to repeatedly admit to an involvement in the movie remake of Get Smart, we'd have picked the former every time.