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Radio

Don Imus Says Don’t Worry, It Was Only Sarcastic Racism

by Stuart Heritage

Don Imus knows what it’s like to lose your job because you’re an unstoppably racist dimwit – it hasn’t stopped him being one, but at least he knows what it’s like.

Wait, did we say ‘unstoppably racist dimwit’? We meant ‘rapier-like skewerer of societal prejudices’. You see, Don Imus is in trouble again, this time for apparently alluding to the fact that an American footballer committed lots of crimes because he’s black. But Don Imus says that’s not the case.

Don Imus has come forward to point out that actually he was making a sarcastic point about how suspicious policemen are of black people. He was on their side all along! So which is it – is Don Imus a racist or a sarcastic campaigner for social justice? It’s too hard to decide – can’t we go with ‘tedious Worzel-faced old gasbag’ and be done with it?

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Don Imus Back Being Racially Dubious Again Like Old Times

by Stuart Heritage

Don Imus is famous for two things – having a face that looks like a nightmarish scarecrow made from dried salted beef, and racism.

It wasn’t so long ago that Don Imus was hauled from his long-running radio show in shame because he decided to tell his entire audience that a particular black female basketball team were a bunch of ‘nappy-headed hos’. Although it cost him his job, this incident enlightened Don Imus to the plight of people of colour, and he vowed never to be racist again.

Unless you define ‘racist’ as ‘appearing to imply that black people are inherently criminal’, that is, in which case Don Imus might have just dropped himself in the crapper again. Will Don Imus lose yet another radio show? It doesn’t matter, because so long as birds are still eating seeds from farmers’ fields, Don Imus will never be fully unemployed.

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Howard Stern’s Fat Friend Wigs Out & Resigns On Air

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve always said that the problem with radio is that not enough fat people get violently angry and try to attack people on air.

So god bless Howard Stern’s tubby and slightly psychotic-seeming sidekick Artie Lange for having an honestly disturbing argument with his assistant, before apparently trying to attack him and then resigning, all live on air. It’s what we’ve wanted to happen to Chris Moyles for years. Hats off to you, Artie Lange, you crazy, crazy bastard.

And, yes, we’ve got the whole of Artie Lange’s berserkoid meltdown after the jump.

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Don Imus Starts Babbling Around On The Radio Again

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone deserves a second chance in life, and that goes for leathery old reactionary gits who look like Worzel Gummidge’s homeless alcoholic substance-abusing brother being attacked by wasps in a hailstorm – and Don Imus, too.

Back in the springtime, Don Imus briefly became the new Mel Gibson when he attracted a racial firestorm by claiming that a female basketball team all looked a bit like Pampers-loving pieces of horticultural equipment or something, and he was promptly sacked from his radio show as a result. But now Don Imus is back, and presented his first show on WABC-AM just hours ago. And to show how much he’s progressed, Don Imus unveiled a brand-new non-racist team including two black comedians. True, they spent the entirety of Don Imus’ show locked in a cage wearing loincloths, eating watermelons and singing My Mammy, but a start’s a start.

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Britney Spears Ditches Interview For Shower

by Stuart Heritage

Blackout is probably the most important album that Britney Spears will ever release, so how she goes about promoting is key – for example, Britney wouldn’t want to cut a mumbled half-interview with Ryan Seacrest short to take a shower.

No, wait, our mistake – Britney Spears would want to cut a mumbled half-interview with Ryan Seacrest short to take a shower. Yesterday morning in what appears to be her only piece of actual promotion for the album that could make or break her future as an artist, Britney Spears had a telephone interview with Ryan Seacrest in which she exclusively revealed her love of cookies and how she thinks the world is slightly cruel. Then Britney abruptly cut it short to listlessly meander off to shower.

Still, at least we know that Britney Spears showers now. We had wondered.

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