That’s right, you work out which town you’re playing. The fastest way to alienate any crowd is to go onstage, mistakenly blurt out a greeting meant for another town located more than 250 miles away and get booed by the crowd because you’re obviously a dick.

Perhaps someone should have pointed this out to Usher before his performance at the Radio 1 Big Weekend festival in Maidstone, where he bounded out onstage and bellowed “Hello Manchester!” to a chorus of boos. Usher should be thankful he got away that lightly. This was Maidstone, after all – he’s lucky a pregnant 12-year-old didn’t stab him in the eye with a sawn-off bottle of Bacardi Breezer.

The Radio 1 Big Weekend in Mote Park, Maidstone has now been and gone, and it was apparently a big success – organisers are claiming that it holds the record for Europe’s largest free-ticked event that’s only free because nobody in their right minds would ever actually pay to see The Kooks or Newton Faulkner in a festival hosted in part by Jo Whiley unless they were either idiots or being forced to by a jittery man with a gun.

But ’success’ is a funny term to define. That’s something that Usher knows only too well, because he never seems to be able to do anything with an absolute degree of success. When he was in Chicago, for example, Usher proved that even current popstars have the mental and physical endurance to perform live musical theatre night after night. At least until he got a bit of a sore throat and had to go home early.

Then there was his wedding to Tameka Foster. How did Usher celebrate the happiest day of his life? By cancelling it at the last minute, that’s how. And let’s not forget the birth of his first child, which Usher decided to mark by naming the baby Usher – a move of such soul-destroying egotism that we wouldn’t be surprised if Usher was actually a little bit disappointed that his wife hadn’t just given birth to a full-length gore-covered mirror.

So with this in mind, nobody should have really expected Usher’s set at Radio 1’s Big Weekend to go perfectly. Which is good, because it didn’t. Aside constant references to songs that weren’t written a week ago as ‘old classics’ as if he was referring to early Georgian antique bureaus when in reality they were mainly a bunch of identical R&B songs, Usher made the teensy mistake of forgetting where he was actually playing, as BBC News reports:

R&B star Usher left Kent festival goers unimpressed after shouting out “hello Manchester” to the packed crowd. The singer was opening Radio 1’s Big Weekend festival in Maidstone, Kent, when the blunder happened, prompting some audience members to boo.

To be fair, mixing up Maidstone and Manchester is an easy mistake to make – they’re only about 250 miles apart – plus they both begin with the letter M, so in retrospect it’s just as well that Usher didn’t yell “hello Melbourne” or “hello Marzipan.” But if he’d have paid some attention, Usher would have been able to tell the difference.

You see, a night out in Maidstone usually involves being bottled by a gang of lairy blokes outside Argos, while a night out in Manchester usually involves being shot by a gang of lairy blokes outside Argos. The difference is huge.

Read more:

Usher makes gaffe at Radio 1 gig - BBC

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing shit-filled portaloos.

We begin with the first big festival-type affair of the year, this weekend’s Radio 1’s Big Weekend down in Kent. This particular bash doesn’t have a fixed location, but over the years it has proved to be a popular event for all who can get a ticket.

Now listening to Radio 1 may not be to everyone’s taste. Listening to Chris Moyles‘ self-indulgent rants and enduring the apparent queen of radio Jo Whiley may slightly grate on some people. However, Radio 1 is part of the BBC and in return for the Beeb wasting license fee money on stupid flashy graphics for the news, they do occasionally give the public something back. It comes in the form of free music for gig goers.

What makes the festival such a success is that it gives people the chance to see high-flying bands of the moment who normally wouldn’t get the chance. In previous years, Radio 1 has been to Sunderland, Preston and now it’s the turn of Maidstone.

Instead of the people of these towns and cities having to travel for live music, it comes to them. However, the popularity of this concept always knackers things up. 500,000 applied for tickets this year. We don’t think that 500,000 live in Maidstone, though. More than likely people have applied from all over the UK in the hope they are selected in order to make a quick buck on ebay.

As per usual, this festival doesn’t take too many daring risks on who is playing. Most of the acts currently have albums out or are playlisted on the station. No chance of any Ethiopian jazz on the bill. But before we get too cynical, there is a new stage this year showcasing unsigned talent from the local area. So for anyone daring, there could be something new and exciting for them.

Held over two days, the free gig does offer a spectacular line up, and if have got your hand on a ticket, we have selected some of the bands to see and those to miss.

Saturday – Go go go!

Madonna – Watching a pensioner crawl and roll around on stage whilst trying to remain sexy and dignified is a test that will make either vomit or laugh endlessly. Though the vomiting could be brought on by the ropey £5 uncooked burgers you bought earlier in the day.

The Ting Tings – Should be interesting to see how they perform live. Their current single is as good as the first and a big crowd should be there to see how they tackle a live outing

Saturday – Avoid like the plague

Paramore – Sounds just like Avril Lavigne when she was in her grungy and pissed off with the world period. But this time it’s labelled as a band’s sound and not one of a solo artist.

The Hoosiers – You’re not kooky, new or cutting edge. Instead you look like wankers as you prance around like twats.

Sunday – Go go go!

Goldfrapp – Cooler then an ice lolly, Alison Goldfrapp pioneers a cool blend of ambiance and electronica. The electronic sound that granny Madonna rips off.

Gallows – They will tear you a new arse hole. No prisoners are taken.

Sunday – Avoid like the plague

Pendulem live/DJ set - For fuck’s sake, you’re already doing a live set on the same day with your drum and bass which is wooden and bland. So why bother doing a rubbish DJ set when someone else could take the slots? Give us London Elektricity instead!

Basshunter – To recreate the sound of Basshunter, smash your head off a wall. Or we’ll do it for you if we find out you have a copy of their kebab shop anthem.

Inevitably, various groups are up in arms at this display of censorship, calling it political correctness gone mad and everything else you'd probably expect it to. However, the real outrage isn't that Radio 1 has censored the word 'faggot' from Fairytale Of New York, or that it's even playing a song that originally contained the word 'faggot' – no, the real outrage is that Radio 1 is playing a song that's about three times older than its average listener in the first place.

BBC Radio 1’s decision to silence the word 'faggot' from Fairytale Of New York was criticised by Kirsty MacColl's mother on Radio 5 Live this morning, on the grounds that the song is about two characters speaking in a dialect true to themselves. She said:

"These are a couple of characters. Today we have a lot of a gratuitous vulgarity and whatever from people all over which I think is quite unnecessary. These are characters and they speak like that."

Radio 1 released a statement defending the decision:

“Radio 1 are playing an edited version of the Fairytale of New York that does not include the world 'faggot' as this is a word that members of our audience would find offensive."

The song was first released in 1987, and is now as synonymous with Christmas time as mince pies, intense family feuds and merry old St. Nick himself. A spokesperson for McGowan’s band The Pogues commented:

"It strikes me as very odd and I'm sure the band will be very amused."

Whatever the reason for the ban, though, censoring the song's 'faggot' line seems to us like a pretty futile attempt on Radio 1’s part because everyone knows what the missing word is anyway. The silence at the end of "You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy…” makes the word stand out stronger in its absence, like when the wedding reception DJ turns down the volume after "It’s fun to stay at the…” everyone knows to scream out "YMCA!”

And even if they don't know the censored word, the only two words that rhyme with 'maggot' are 'faggot' and 'cagot' and we don't think Kirsty MacColl would ever dream of calling Shane McGowan a member of the race inhabiting the valleys of the Pyrenees who until 1793 were political and social outcasts for supposedly being remnants of the Visigoths.

What's our view on the matter? We don't have one. We're waiting for the remixed duet between Isaiah Washington and Jerry Lewis to come out. 

Read more:

BBC bans lyrics in song – Mirror