Articles tagged with: Radio
Question: how long does it take Axl Rose to write a song that sounds like the theme-tune to Biker Mice From Mars? Answer: however long it's taken Guns N' Roses to record Chinese Democracy. Today is the day that many never thought they'd see in their lifetime - the day that the first single from Chinese Democracy by Guns N' Roses got officially played on the radio. There's a link to the song - also entitled Chinese Democracy - after the jump, but if you can't be bothered, just imagine the background music from a 1980s regional ITV show about speedboats, but with a painfully long muttered intro that lasts for about an hour and doesn't really go anywhere performed by a Stars In Their Eyes Axl Rose impersonator. Dr Pepper for everyone!
Britney Spears is worse than we thought - far from making a full recovery, she's actually regressed to the point where she can only robotically babble vowel sounds. It's true - Britney Spears' new single got its official radio debut today, and she basically only does two things in it. First, Britney Spears just goes "Oh oh ooh ooh ah-ah-ah" over and over again like C-3PO getting a stinging nettle handjob, and secondly she says the word 'womanizer' 41 times in a row. We've forgotten what the song's called. So is Womanizer by Britney Spears going to be another hit? It had better be - we've always said that what Britney Spears is to be violently thrust into the spotlight a bit more.
You read that right - Amy Winehouse wants to solve your problems on the radio. Even we don’t have to go in to much detail about the potential arse-up that this could bring to the innocent people of London. Granted, there are a few cockney people like the So Solid Crew and Danny Dyer who we'd like to exterminate but that’s another kettle of onions. We have our own plans for those individuals and don’t want Amy Winehouse to jump in and spoil our fun. Unless you only read The Financial Times and have only stumbled upon hecklerspray through mistyping something in to Google, you won’t know who Amy Winehouse is. In a nutshell, she’s a girl with tattoos who sings songs by other people, has her Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake locked up in prison and occasionally dabbles in drugs. Actually, the term “hunting down every dealer in London to eat up their stash of pills and powders quicker then a bear hunts down salmon†comes to mind. So how is she getting this potential gig? Let us explain.
Don Imus knows what it's like to lose your job because you're an unstoppably racist dimwit - it hasn't stopped him being one, but at least he knows what it's like.
Wait, did we say 'unstoppably racist dimwit'? We meant 'rapier-like skewerer of societal prejudices'. You see, Don Imus is in trouble again, this time for apparently alluding to the fact that an American footballer committed lots of crimes because he's black. But Don Imus says that's not the case.
Don Imus has come forward to point out that actually he was making a sarcastic point about how suspicious policemen are of black people. He was on their side all along! So which is it - is Don Imus a racist or a sarcastic campaigner for social justice? It's too hard to decide - can't we go with 'tedious Worzel-faced old gasbag' and be done with it?
Don Imus is famous for two things - having a face that looks like a nightmarish scarecrow made from dried salted beef and racism.
It wasn't so long ago that Don Imus was hauled from his long-running radio show in shame because he decided to tell his entire audience that a particular black female basketball team were a bunch of 'nappy-headed hos'. Although it cost him his job, this incident enlightened Don Imus to the plight of people of colour, and he vowed never to be racist again.
Unless you define 'racist' as 'appearing to imply that black people are inherently criminal', that is, in which case Don Imus might have just dropped himself in the crapper again. Will Don Imus lose yet another radio show? It doesn't matter, because so long as birds are still eating seeds from farmers' fields, Don Imus will never be fully unemployed.
We've always said that the problem with radio is that not enough fat people get violently angry and try to attack people on air. So god bless Howard Stern's tubby and slightly psychotic-seeming sidekick Artie Lange for having an honestly disturbing argument with his assistant, before apparently trying to attack him and then resigning, all live on air. It's what we've wanted to happen to Chris Moyles for years. Hats off to you, Artie Lange, you crazy, crazy bastard. And, yes, we've got the whole of Artie Lange's berserkoid meltdown after the jump.
Everyone deserves a second chance in life, and that goes for leathery old reactionary gits who look like Worzel Gummidge's homeless alcoholic substance-abusing brother being attacked by wasps in a hailstorm - and Don Imus, too.
Back in the springtime, Don Imus briefly became the new Mel Gibson when he attracted a racial firestorm by claiming that a female basketball team all looked a bit like Pampers-loving pieces of horticultural equipment or something, and he was promptly sacked from his radio show as a result. But now Don Imus is back, and presented his first show on WABC-AM just hours ago. And to show how much he's progressed, Don Imus unveiled a brand-new non-racist team including two black comedians. True, they spent the entirety of Don Imus' show locked in a cage wearing loincloths, eating watermelons and singing My Mammy, but a start's a start.
Blackout is probably the most important album that Britney Spears will ever release, so how she goes about promoting is key - for example, Britney wouldn't want to cut a mumbled half-interview with Ryan Seacrest short to take a shower.
No, wait, our mistake - Britney Spears would want to cut a mumbled half-interview with Ryan Seacrest short to take a shower. Yesterday morning in what appears to be her only piece of actual promotion for the album that could make or break her future as an artist, Britney Spears had a telephone interview with Ryan Seacrest in which she exclusively revealed her love of cookies and how she thinks the world is slightly cruel. Then Britney abruptly cut it short to listlessly meander off to shower.
Still, at least we know that Britney Spears showers now. We had wondered.
