Radio - HecklerSpray

Benton/Fenton Backed By Fearne Cotton For Christmas No.1 (Mass Suicides Planned)

December 9th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

That dog. Haha! It nearly killed a load of deer and everyone laughed. The man. The man he chased the dog. He shouted Benton! Wait. It transpired it was called Fenton. Some people said “See, I always knew it was Fenton” in the world’s crappiest ‘toldyaso‘.

Then the man said ‘Jesus Christ!’ and every single gusset moistened with laughter before, in unison, the whole universe saw a gigantic hole split in its side. Quite simply, this is the funniest thing to happen to us poor creatures since Del Boy fell through a bar.

And now, this wretched meme is going to bother the charts this Christmas and it’s backed by the odious Fearne Cotton. Oh, how the British public love a novelty record. This can’t possibly fail. Basically, do a Carluccio and stick a bread-knife through your heart now. Not convinced? Listen to it over the jump, now.

Awesome or Off-Putting: The Zone of Silence

December 4th, 2011 By Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Today, Mexico is mostly known as a place you don’t want to vacation for fear of getting kidnapped, murdered, then chopped up and stuffed into a pinata for your little nephew to discover at his sixth birthday party.

If drug cartels ever actually use that technique, please accept out apologies in advance. Seriously. And tell your nephew we’re sorry in advance too. Also tell him that should this ever happen, you’ll be in a better place.

The point being – Mexico is a pretty strange place. It’s jam-packed with all sorts of paranormal mumbo-jumbo. The most recent we’ve learned about is called the Zone of Silence – and it’s complete with disappearing radio transmissions of all sorts and disappearing men in bright yellow slickers.

Hecklerspray’s ‘Masterpiece’ Albums Rival Zane Lowe’s Pompous Radio 1 List

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Zane Lowe is an unbearably smug son of a turd and if you disagree with that statement then you’ll probably disagree with most of this article. Ever since the days when he was sitting on a badly green-screened couch, chumming up to the Foo Fighters, Lowe has maintained the air of a man whose every musical opinion is based not on a love of music, but on a love of his own opinions on music.

The Smug-Meister-General of BBC Radio 1’s musical output has a long-running tradition of forcing his opinions down the throats of his listeners by choosing a series of “Masterpiece” albums to play, in their entirety, during his show. Thankfully this only happens once a year.

However, things are different this time.

Badvertising: Let’s Talk About Genitals

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Here in the hecklerspray bedsit, we’re often told off for using inappropriate words to describe the girls’ genitalia. In fact, there was a time that Matthew Laidlow had to spend three weeks hooked up to a catheter after asking Joanna Bolouri?if he could cop a feel of her “pouch”. After that, Editor Mof came up with some severe guidelines on sexual?harassment?and the bedsit hasn’t been the same since.

The real question is, how do you refer to your genitals? It’s not because we have any real interest in knowing, you understand. We just want to focus on what’s important in this column. We want to focus on the real issues of the day and do that we need to know what you ladies call your vagina.

Okay, we’ll admit it. We don’t know, nor do we want to know.

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

August 4th, 2012 By Chris Laverty

This week?s filthy likes and dislikes.

Folded:

Scott Mills (annoying as you like on the radio, but fair play to him for making that difficult The World’s Worst Place to Be Gay? programme. Slapped repeatedly with a chicken for goodness sake)
National Express? profits are up nearly 40% (great news for them, though undoubtedly means we are all too poor and undignified to get the train)
Colin Firth not winning Best Actor at the Academy Awards (c?mon let's get behind this idea and see if the world really does end)

Richard Keys And Andy Gray Are Back On The Airwaves

February 9th, 2011 By Kris Silver

The transfer season may well be over, but the biggest football transfer of the year has just taken place. That's right, after having their contracts terminated by Sky Sports, public whipping boys Richard Keys and Andy Gray have signed for conference side talkSPORT, in a deal said to be worth roughly the price of a few Fray Bentos pies.

Gray and Keys, or to give them their proper names, Tweedle-Chimp (have you seen how hairy Keys’ hands are? They’re not HD friendly, that’s for sure) and Tweedle-Chump, are to host a new show every weekday from 10am until 1pm.

Presumably the show will primarily involve Gray and Keys explaining the off-side rule to female callers.

Chris Evans Loses 1 Million Listeners

August 5th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

How much do you hate Chris Evans? Loads? The level of fury he summons in people is nothing short of staggering. People have been known to pull their eyeballs out and stick them up their arse, just so they can watch themselves kicking themselves in the rear at the very mention of his name.

According to latest audience data, the bespectacled radio jock has lost over one million listeners on his BBC Radio 2 show,? The Chris Evans Breakfast Show.

That’s not good is it?

LISTEN: New Guns N’ Roses Single Guffed Onto The Radio

October 22nd, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

$Chinese Democracy Guns N\' Roses Radio single Axl Rose$ Question: how long does it take Axl Rose to write a song that sounds like the theme-tune to Biker Mice From Mars?

Answer: however long it’s taken Guns N’ Roses to record Chinese Democracy. Today is the day that many never thought they’d see in their lifetime – the day that the first single from Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses got officially played on the radio.

There’s a link to the song – also entitled Chinese Democracy – after the jump, but if you can’t be bothered, just imagine the background music from a 1980s regional ITV show about speedboats, but with a painfully long muttered intro that lasts for about an hour and doesn’t really go anywhere performed by a Stars In Their Eyes Axl Rose impersonator. Dr Pepper for everyone!

Britney Spears’ Womanizer Single Honked Up All Over The Radio

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears is worse than we thought – far from making a full recovery, she’s actually regressed to the point where she can only robotically babble vowel sounds.

It’s true – Britney Spears’ new single got its official radio debut today, and she basically only does two things in it. First, Britney Spears just goes “Oh oh ooh ooh ah-ah-ah” over and over again like C-3PO getting a stinging nettle handjob, and secondly she says the word ‘womanizer’ 41 times in a row. We’ve forgotten what the song’s called.

So is Womanizer by Britney Spears going to be another hit? It had better be – we’ve always said that what Britney Spears is to be violently thrust into the spotlight a bit more.

Amy Winehouse Wants to Solve Your Problems on the Radio

March 24th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

You read that right – Amy Winehouse wants to solve your problems on the radio.

Even we don’t have to go in to much detail about the potential arse-up that this could bring to the innocent people of London. Granted, there are a few cockney people like the So Solid Crew and Danny Dyer who we’d like to exterminate but that’s another kettle of onions.

We have our own plans for those individuals and don’t want Amy Winehouse to jump in and spoil our fun.

Unless you only read The Financial Times and have only stumbled upon hecklerspray through mistyping something in to Google, you won’t know who Amy Winehouse is.

In a nutshell, she’s a girl with tattoos who sings songs by other people, has her Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake locked up in prison and occasionally dabbles in drugs. Actually, the term “hunting down every dealer in London to eat up their stash of pills and powders quicker then a bear hunts down salmon” comes to mind.

So how is she getting this potential gig? Let us explain.