S Club 7 were good weren’t they? They all danced around in a line, singing about reaching for stars, wearing white and making everyone with ears wish they’d be born deaf. Still, idiots everywhere bought their music until 2003 when they broke up under a cloud of sheer indifference.
Since then, the only member you’re likely to remember is Jo..erm.. thingy who went on Big Brother and participated in some racist bullying alongside Jade Goody or maybe you remember Rachel Stevens because she was the good looking one and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.
So, when they saw the recent comeback success of similar white wearing band Steps, they all got together and decided they’d quite like to cash in on this, regardless of whether you like it or not.
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Have a nice time at the fireworks, did you? Ate a potato and wrote the F word with a sparkler, did we? Well – that’s quite enough satire for one day, guys. It’s a double elimination on the X Factor, and in a few weeks we’re going to have a professional musician on our hands, so best we save all that horseplay for the weekends, don’t you think?
This weekend, we had a DOUBLE Elimination. No-one was safe apart from the four X Factor contestants who haven’t contracted mildly unpleasant yeast infections yet.
And of course, Kelly Rowland was back and not ill anymore. Unlike last week, where she was really ill, in bed with illness, caused by ILL. Thank god she made it through.
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The X Factor splits Britain into two camps. Those that despise it and those that don’t watch it. Those poor swine who don’t watch it can’t escape it. It’s everywhere, being rammed down your modem all the stinkin’ time.
Anyway, here’s an article about the X Factor. AND IT CONTAINS RACISM! HURRAY!
That’s right. The already hugely hated Kitty Brucknell – a lady with an ambition nearly as large as her forehead – is about to make everyone forget all about that Misha B bullying thing after she said something (well, allegedly) really racist to one of the boring berks from The Risk.
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Soulja Boy, a chap who has made a career out of singing like a deaf cow having a giant pineapple inserted into its anus, is in trouble with the law. Great for the street-cred, not so good with the whole avoiding a raping in the prison showers.
See, the ‘rapper’ (real name Clangy Van Heusen) got released on bail after appearing in a Georgia court on drug and weapons charges.
Soulja would like to take a moment to tell you that he is innocent, okay?
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Everybody on twitter (yaa boo, sucks to you) is muttering about the UK Citizenship Test. This is the test that is flung in the face of immigrants with a look of “Go on. How much do you love tedious facts about the UK?”
There’s questions about the number of constituencies we have and the like. Of course, no right minded UK citizen would know that. Only a complete bell-end would.
And so, with people who have lived in the UK roundly failing the test (us included), we’ve decided to make a citizenship test that actually works, filled with questions about things that are unique to this stupid collection of horrible countries and provinces. See how well you fare over the jump, scum.
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You remember Boris Johnson, don’t you? He’s the blonde, mop-headed fool that bumbles his way through life from one gaffe to the next. He’s the Mayor of London too. You know, the one that had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, back from holiday during the riots. He’s a big pal of David Cameron. A lot of people vote for him because they think he’s hilarious. Are you following us here?
Good ol’ Boris knows what the important things are though. Whether it’s getting rid of those frightful bendy buses that interrupt everyone’s chauffeur-driven commute or apologising to stars who have suffered racial abuse at the hands of some lobster-skinned British git-bag that probably makes up most of ol’ Boris’ core vote.
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Ridiculously dressed designer, John Galliano, has been found guilty of racist and anti-Semitic behaviour by a Paris court today, which means you can’t go around shouting your mouth off about Jews. Okay?
Johnny G was facing charges of “casting public insults based on origin, religious affiliation, race or ethnicity” by French authorities and was ordered to court today to pay a total fine of 17,500 euros.
However, he won’t be getting sexually assaulted in the prison showers.
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The American army are all big and tough aren’t they? They won WWII single-handedly according to the movies and did a grand job in Vietnam and are currently in the Middle East, posing next to pictures of people being tortured.
Don’t mess with the American armed forces, right? They can withstand anything!
Apart from, that is, people calling them names. The old adage of ‘sticks and stones’ doesn’t apply to the US military because that’s what hurts them the most. If only Al-Qaeda knew this from the off! They could’ve battered America just by calling them all nasty names. It would’ve saved a lot of money on pilot training too. And we know this because of something that Soulja Boy has done.
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