Tiger Woods is addictive. And fairly good at golf. But mostly addictive. At least, that’s what his highest-earning bit-on-the-side would have us believe.
Tiger spent most of 2009 in the laps of assorted waitresses and porn stars, while his wingman went for the Wingman Medal of Honour the same year (and won).
Seriously, so far as dredging the gutters of their respective post codes for women of questionable repute/ irrevocably damaged self-esteem, Tiger was probably only bested by Jesse James – both were equal so far as going to impressive lengths to sleep with women less attractive than their actual wives.
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Rachel Uchitel is so lucky. At just 34 years of age, she’s successfully realised all of her ambitions.
All of any girl’s ambitions. She’s shagged Tiger Woods. And she’s shagged that bloke who used to be on Buffy The Vampire Slayer but isn’t any more. And since those are the only two ambitions that all women really have, that makes Rachel Uchitel a kind of powerfully aspirational feminist figure. But what’s next for her? Obviously her stock in trade is demolishing the marriages of male celebrities who reached the peak of their fame a decade ago – so should she try and have it off with Elián Gonzalez or the lead singer of The Bloodhound Gang?
No, Rachel Uchitel doesn’t like to repeat herself. That’s why she’s apparently signed up to do a nude photoshoot for Playboy instead. You’ll only see her tits and arse in it, though. She’s not a whore.
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It’s best if you think of Rachel Uchitel as a kind of modern-day Cinderella. Only there’s no Prince Charming.
And there are loads of ugly sisters. And instead of a glass slipper it was Tiger Woods‘ veiny, worn-out todger that turned her into a beautiful princess. And, oh, hang on, wait – we think we just brought up a little bit of vomit. Sorry.
Anyway, the analogy holds true. Having it off with Tiger Woods has turned Rachel Uchitel into a star. She’s rich, she’s famous and now she’s got a job as a showbusiness correspondent on Extra. So good luck, Rachel – let’s hope you’re as good at presenting as you are at fellating married billionaires on the sly in return for a monthly retainer! Allegedly.
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Tiger Woods is probably in rehab, probably letting a man in a lab coat shout at his penis for being a naughty boy.
But that’s not the end. Because even if Tiger Woods does get cured of his addiction to having sex with dozens of leathery collagen globs, we still wouldn’t know all the details of the car crash that started this mess in the first place. Except now we do. And as it turns out, all the details are all hilarious.
That’s only if you find screaming matches, anonymous woman-on-woman sexual text messages and the thought of Tiger Woods blootered on Ambien trying to drive a car in a straight line hilarious, of course. Which you’d better do, or else we’re going to have to disown you.
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If any female billionaires are reading this, and they want to marry and then cheat on someone, may we suggest us?
It’d be totally worth it. Sure, we’d be heartbroken about your cheating, and so would the kids – yes, we’d have to have kids – but if it meant getting $300 million at the end of it, we’d absolutely be prepared to step up. If you ask nicely, we might even swing a golf club about near your face in anger for verisimilitude. But that’d cost extra.
It seems to have worked for Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods‘ wife. Following Tiger’s self-confessed affairs, Elin’s reported to be walking away from the marriage with a cool $300 million fortune. True, that does only work out at about $1.25 for every woman who Tiger Woods had it off with, but beggars can’t be choosers.
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Let this be a lesson to all you billionaires – if you want to save your marriage, only sleep with 13 bimbos.
Any more and it’s over. Just look at Tiger Woods. For the last few weeks, we’ve seen a slow but steady trickle of cheap-looking boobzillas come forward to claim that they’ve slept with Tiger Woods. And through it all, it was reported that Tiger’s wife Elin Nordegren, was going to stick with him for the sake of their children.
Now the total of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses has hit 14, though, Elin Nordegren has reportedly hired a divorce lawyer. So billionaires, stick to boning 13 leathery tramps. We think that’s the lesson here.
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Well that’s it. Are you happy now, media? Tiger Woods has quit golf for an indefinite period of time.
Do you know the implications of this? It means next year we’ll have to buy a videogame entitled Jim Furyk PGA Tour 2011. Worse still, you know who’s probably going to start selling us razors from now on? Golfing journeyman Billy Mayfair. Billy Mayfair! And we don’t even know who that is. It’s a disgrace.
Someone needs to take the blame and apologise for all this, but who? Don’t go looking at Jamie Jungers, who you may remember as alleged Tiger Woods mistress #6. She’s decided to be hilariously unrepentant about everything.
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Hey kids, remember Rachel Uchitel? Sure you do – she’s the woman alleged to be Tiger Woods’ mistress.
No, not Jaimee Grubbs. And not Holly Sampson. And not Kalika Moquin. Or Jamie Jungers or Cori Rist or Mindi Lawton. Rachel Uchitel. Oh, you remember Rachel Uchitel – she’s the woman currently trapped underneath the mountain of silicon, collagen and ratty nylon hair weaves that Tiger Woods reportedly inserts his penis into on a regular basis.
Now, if you were Rachel Uchitel, your best bet would be to embrace anonymity by blending into the crowd. Tell that to Rachel Uchitel, though – she’s decided to announce that she isn’t a whore. No, we don’t know why, either.
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Tiger Woods is addictive. And fairly good at golf. But mostly addictive. At least, that’s what his highest-earning bit-on-the-side would have us believe.
