So this is it – the last Strictly Come Dancing recap of 2008. And what a ride it’s been.

This season of Strictly Come Dancing has had everything – shock resignations, judge in-fighting, humiliatingly credibility-obliterating phone vote cock-ups and, um, Gillian Taylforth. And that’s literally it. We’ll miss you Strictly Come Dancing. Or at least we would if Dancing On Ice wasn’t starting in about a bloody fortnight. Sheesh.

So, can Rachel Stevens win the Strictly Come Dancing final? Here’s her recap…

Rachel Stevens – Even though they’re both about three feet tall and share the personality of a retired chartered accountant from Stevenage, Rachel Stevens and her partner are the lookers of this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. Their sexiness is paramount to their Strictly Come Dancing chances, so imagine our horror on Saturday when Rachel’s partner unveiled his new beard. Well, we say ‘beard’ but that’s only because a word has yet to be invented that can fully convey the horror of the wispy public fluff that Rachel’s partner had strapped to his chin for Saturday’s show. Would it affect their chances of making the Strictly Come Dancing final?

Well, no, thanks to the rubbishy ‘everyone’s in the final!’ twist that Strictly Come Dancing pulled at the end of the results show, Rachel Stevens and her partner would have made the final even if he’d got his knob out and scrawled ‘WHITE RULE’ across his face with a marker pen. And, in a way, that’s probably for the best – Rachel’s first dance was an Argentine Tango to When Doves Cry that was technically decent but about as sexy as an episode of How It’s Made. Rachel’s second dance was an American Smooth that was so slow it felt like we’d downed three bottles of Night Nurse before watching it. Which we had, but that’s beside the point. But who cares what we think? Chances are Rachel’s going to win the sodding thing on Saturday, isn’t she? Isn’t she? Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 75

It’s time for the last Strictly Come Dancing recap before Saturday’s exciting semi-final. Well, Saturday’s semi-final.

Oh, who are we kidding, of course the Strictly Come Dancing semi-final is going to be exciting. There’ll be thrills, there’ll be spills and – now that Austin Healey isn’t part of the show any more – there won’t be any little midgets screaming “OLE!” all the time. That qualifies as exciting, right? Yes?

Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

Rachel Stevens – Last week Rachel Stevens found herself in the Strictly Come Dancing dance-off again, and event that usually sparks off days of sobbing and soul-searching and God knows what else. And it did, only this time it wasn’t Rachel doing the crying – it was her silly little dance partner. As we all know, a partnership where Rachel Stevens is required to be the emotional crutch is doomed, and so the pair of them really needed to dance their socks off to make up for this abominable lack of stability.

And, what do you know, Rachel Stevens actually managed to dance pretty well on Saturday’s show. Her best dance by far was her first, a Tango to Here Comes The Rain Again. The dance required her to be wooden, robotic and personality-free, and she managed it. Rachel Stevens without a personality? What will they think of next? Rachel’s second dance wasn’t too far off in terms of quality, either – it was a Cha Cha Cha to Signed Sealed Delivered, which was actually fairly decent even though Rachel couldn’t stop groping herself during it and the entirety of our notes for the performance comprised of the words ‘SHIT CUTE WAVE not much else’. You may mail us the Nobel Prize for Literature whenever you like. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 76

Next week: We’ll get you ready for the Strictly Come Dancing final. Whether you like it or not.

Strictly Come Dancing is going down to the wire now, and only the best dancers can survive. Christine Bleakley, for those of you who have joined the party late, wasn’t one of the best dancers.

Some will blame Christine’s lack of technical ability for her Strictly Come Dancing exit last night. Some will blame the frightening Meatloaf haircut she sported during her first dance of the night. Us? We’re pinning Christine’s failure solely on the fact that she hired Felicity Kendal as an acting coach this week. Felicity blinking Kendal. Oh, if only her dances were about short muddy women from the 1970s, yesterday’s result could have been so very different.

But still, Christine Bleakley is out of Strictly Come Dancing, so who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

Rachel Stevens – Good news everyone! A week ago on Strictly Come Dancing, Rachel Stevens got a perfect score! Hooray! That means she’d finally get to pack in all the sobbing and wailing and crap for a change, right? Right? Well, um, no. Instead, Rachel Stevens managed to beat the odds and cry even more than ever, because she was happy about getting a perfect score. So that’s happiness and sadness that Rachel Stevens responds to by weeping like a tossbucket – in fact, we’re starting to think that the only emotion that doesn’t inspire floods and floods of tears from Rachel is mild wonder. Our point? That Rachel Stevens is an idiot.

But back to Strictly Come Dancing. On Saturday Rachel Stevens danced a waltz, which was boring because it was a waltz. She’s clearly put some effort in – making sure that even in her conservative dress she had her back out and a giant cleavage dangling off her front, and realising that closing your eyes and sighing during a dance makes the Strictly Come Dancing judges double their scores, but it was boring. Rachel’s second Strictly Come Dancing routine was a Paso Doble, which mainly tended to involve Rachel Stevens standing around looking a bit bored while her Italian midget partner flapped a cape around like he was trying to put out a burning puppy. Oh, and she almost fell over. But what she lost in technique she gained in fleshcount – her outfit showed off her gut, tits, legs and probably her bumhole too if there weren’t laws against that sort of thing. Total Strictly Come Dancing Score – 71

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

Time for our last Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week. But don’t be sad – we’ll be back again. And again. And again. Like a recurring nightmare in many ways.

This Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing is going to be one of the hardest-fought yet, and we can’t wait. Mainly it’s because Lisa Snowdon will probably get voted into the dance-off again and she’ll cry, and we get off on watching broken women. Seriously. We do. We’re not joking. We actually do.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Rachel Stevens and Austin Healey…

Rachel Stevens – After getting the highest Strictly Come Dancing score of the series last week, a brand new Rachel Stevens was unveiled – one who doesn’t cry all the sodding time and hardly wears any clothes because she knows that tits have a greater say than ability. However, on Saturday Rachel Stevens performed a Foxtrot to Close To You, which made it very hard for Rachel to wear the smallest scrap of spandex imaginable and wriggle around like a stripper with internal parasites. So Rachel had to fall back on Plan B, which involved actual dancing.

Ignoring the weird part of her training where all her female friends visited her in training dressed in unitards and tutus and seemed to communicate exclusively with one another in dolphinsong, Rachel’s routine was actually very good. At least we’re told it was – the Strictly Come Dancing judges basically creamed themselves silly over it, saying “I’m afraid… close to perfect, strictly, something special!” – but we found that during the performance we ended up sort of drifting off and examining our socks in a  hitherto unknown level of detail. Still, it looks like Rachel Stevens has become the one to beat. Which is funny, because Jo O’Meara was always the one from S Club 7 that we wanted to beat. Strictly Come Dancing score – 40

Austin Healey – Now that Rachel Stevens is starting to inch ahead of Austin Healey in the Strictly Come Dancing leaderboard, Austin’s decided to pull out all the stops to win the public over. And while that’s something that John Sergeant did with natural grace and charm, Austin’s decided to do it with overwhelming gayness. Not only did Austin dance the Cha Cha Cha – the gayest dance of all, remember – on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, but he decided to dance it to It’s Raining Men.

Could Austin get any gayer? Why yes he could – his outfit was a modified version of the infamous Mark Foster rapey teabag from a few weeks back. However, it doesn’t matter how gay the peripheries of the dance was – Austin Healey managed to blow it by acting like a stereotypical heterosexual man in the performance itself. Admittedly it was the sort of heterosexual man who’s a bit in love with himself and tends to pin girls to walls against their will in nightclubs at 2am, but it still counts. The Strictly Come Dancing judges chose to overlook this gruesome unpleasantness, though, merely calling it “the cheekiest Cha Cha I have seen, Suggestive gyration, full of!”. Oh, and Austin Healey actually dislocated his finger during the dance, then popped it back in in front of the cameras. Because he’s a bloke, yeah. He might be dressed like one of Wayne Rooney‘s whore’s thighs, but he’s definitely not a bender. Understand? Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Next week. More of this nonsense, really.

Strictly Come Dancing recaps? Yes. Here. What of it?

You know, we’ve been thinking. Why doesn’t a respected man like John Sergeant admit that enough’s enough and his continued progress through Strictly Come Dancing is hurting more talented dancers? And now we know – it’s only Strictly Come Dancing that’s stopping him being a full-time Dave employee. No wonder he looks so desperate.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

Rachel Stevens - Despite being near the top of the Strictly Come Dancing leaderboard, Rachel Stevens was put into the dance-off last week – something that made her cry just about every molecule of moisture out of her body about – and that guaranteed two things for Saturday’s Rumba to You Do Something To Me. Firstly, it meant that Rachel was going to pull out all the stops to avoid it happening again, and that meant that she’d dress in the tightest, skimpiest scrap of cloth she could find and wriggle around like a itchy-minged stripper in heat who feeds off male erections. Secondly it meant that the Strictly Come Dancing judges would go slightly overboard in their praise for her to make sure she didn’t get put into the dance-off again this week. Since they told her that “If you’re in the bottom two tonight, I will dance naked. I thought it was fabulous,” and then gave her the highest score of Strictly Come Dancing this year, we’ll assume that happened. Fingers crossed that the others don’t start following her formula – the last thing we want to see is John Sergeant in a spangly unitard doing pelvic thrusts in Bruce Forsyth‘s direction. Strictly Come Dancing score – 39

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Tom Chambers.

Time for our last Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week – but don’t be sad, because we’ll be back next week. And the week after. And the week after that. Forever, basically.

This Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing should prove to be an exciting one, because it seems as if all the dancers will be performing whatever dances they like again. We hear that Tom Chambers is doing a Quickstep, Cherie Lunghi‘s dancing a Waltz and John Sergeant is going to do the exact same dance as always and still get through anyway because of his lovely big fat face.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens…

Christine Bleakley – On last week’s Strictly Come Dancing, Christine Bleakley received a three from one of the judges, which more or less made her react as if her entire family had been mown down by a runaway combine harvester. Needless to say, this knocked her confidence ahead of Saturday’s American Smooth to Singin’ In The Rain, a routine she performed while pulling a face like the girl who dies at the beginning of The Ring. Apparently Christine’s main problem was her legs, which weren’t as pointy as the Strictly Come Dancing judges wanted, and they told her “The top half was Hollywood – the bottom half was dead wood.” Thankfully, Christine got a higher score than she did in the previous week’s show. We’re relieved about that because if it was any worse, we assume that she’d be dancing around in a puddle of her own urine next week. Strictly Come Dancing score – 29

Rachel Stevens – It must be great being Rachel Stevens. She’s all energy and smiles, and we think that’s because she’s never been troubled by anything as complicated as a thought. This was demonstrated on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing when, as is becoming the norm for her, Rachel danced a Jive to Sweet Soul Music that was superficially very good but lacked any kind of personality whatsoever. Not even the sight of Rachel Stevens slapping her boobies around in her partner’s face could liven things up any, which is a sentence we never thought we’d see ourselves type. By and large, though, the Strictly Come Dancing judges appeared to enjoy the routine, saying things like “welcome back Rachel, the firecracker! You were selling it – tonight you ignited!” but Rachel really needs to hire an acting coach. But not her blonde ex-bandmate from S Club 7, though, unless she wants the only emotion she has to convey to be ‘looking unconvincingly nervous about CGI dinosaurs’. Although that would admittedly be a step up. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Next week: This again.

Here we are, the last of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps for the week. Exciting, huh?

Not as exciting as this Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, because this week each of the celebrities will be doing a different dance. Lisa Snowdon‘s going to do a Tango, Christine Bleakley‘s going to do an American Smooth and rumour has it that Andrew Castle‘s going to do an epileptic fit. Seriously, watch it on Saturday and you’ll see.

But now, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant, Rachel Stevens and Jodie Kidd…

John Sergeant – He might look like a big cuddly clump of mashed potato, but on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing John Sergeant had to perform a Paso Doble to the Rodrigo Guitar Concerto, so he had to drop the niceness and become a furious hardass for the evening. He fell a little sort of that target and ended up looking more either a) a little boy who’d just been told he couldn’t have any more pudding or b) a horse being attacked by some flies. The dance itself was a little odd – it had all the fiery drama you’d expect from a 64-year-old man who’s spent most of his life talking to politicians about the minutia of trade policies – but he did manage the impossible at the end, when he picked up his partner by her ankles and wrists and swung her around off the ground. The Strictly Come Dancing judges had to say something nice about, right? Well, um… “After all that marching Sergeant, you should be demoted to a private”. Let’s take that as a no. Strictly Come Dancing score – 21

Rachel Stevens - An apology. Last week we suggested that Rachel Stevens wasn’t very clever, but we take that all back. On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, despite all her sulky boohoos in training, Rachel seemed to suddenly learn that for a girl to get a good score at a ballroom dance, all she needs to do is sigh a lot and look a bit vulnerable. Because, in her Viennese Waltz to Everybody Hurts, that’s exactly what she did. Rachel tucked her head into her partner’s chest and gazed her bloody legs off and, despite the routine itself being a bit perfunctory and flat, she managed to get a pretty good response from the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who told her that she was “wistful, sweet and charming.” As a result, Rachel Stevens got one of the highest scores of the night, but we don’t like to think it was for her dancing – we like to think it was because of all the awkward shots of Rachel’s gormless hairy-faced fiance not knowing what to make of all the unfettered romance going on right in front of his nose. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Jodie Kidd – After last week’s surprising comeback, Jodie Kidd tried to take charge of the momentum she built up with a dramatic Paso Doble to Song 2 on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. And for it, Jodie had to channel up as much anger as she was able to – almost as much anger as you’d have if you just realised that your cocaine-dealing sideline had been exposed by the Sunday newspapers. But in the end that was too much anger, and Jodie Kidd ended up alternating between angry thrashing, ferocious stomping and a weird bit of rudimentary semaphore that seemed to go on for about an hour and a half. It was almost the sort of performance you’d expect from a nutty old hasbeen on cocaine trying to get her career back on track, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed, saying “You went so much for attack, the precision went.” The lesson is clear – Jodie Kidd is only good at slow dances. Or she’s an idiot and deserves to be voted out of Strictly Come Dancing at the earliest opportunity. One or the other, isn’t it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Next week: So many Strictly Come Dancing recaps that you’ll want to cry. Literally cry.

Last night Don Warrington became what we’re assuming to be the millionth contestant to leave Strictly Come Dancing this year.

We know why, of course. Don’s secret weapon in Strictly Come Dancing was his face – he only danced well when he was pulling an expression like a naked midget with excessive bodyhair was trying to jab a poo-covered stick up one of his nostrils. But since he was dancing an American Smooth to Can’t Smile Without You on Saturday, Don had to trade in his repulsed glower for something a bit more civilised. And that’s where it all fell apart.

So with Don Warrington out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Rachel Stevens, Lisa Snowdon and Heather Small…

Rachel Stevens – Personally, and we know we’re biased, we want Rachel Stevens to stay a part of Strictly Come Dancing forever, because it means we get to see her identical thuggish bald nightclub bouncer-alike brothers say things like “Yeah, well, she bloody gave herself over to the dance didn’t she? It wuz facking exquisite.” That’s probably the only reason we want Rachel Stevens to stay on Strictly Come Dancing, though, because based on her Samba to Hips Don’t Lie, she’s a bit of a mannequin. Rachel was gunning for ‘sexy’ – that much was clear – but she ended up looking more like one of those Asimo robots that’s been programmed to act sexy. She was doing all the right moves, but was dead-eyed and cold throughout, making her seem more suited to a job as a stripper or hecklerspray‘s girlfriend. The Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed exactly with what we just said, telling Rachel that she needed to “get the raunch out.” Our forecast for next week? Dildos. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Lisa Snowdon – Judging by her Strictly Come Dancing intro, Lisa Snowdon spent her entire week in training sobbing like a numpty. God knows why, because her Strictly Come Dancing American Smooth to It Happened In Monterey was pretty good. Lisa dropped all the am-dram stylising of her performance from the previous week and managed to pull out a routine that was slick, professional and even made it look like she was enjoying herself. As for the Strictly Come Dancing judges, they told her “You are the belle of the ballroom!” But that leaves out one tiny point that everyone failed to mention – Lisa Snowdon was only good at the American Smooth because she used to go out with George Clooney, who is smooth and an American, so she’s used to it. She’s probably thanking her lucky stars that she never went out with Tom Cruise, because there isn’t a dance called Berserk Sci-Fi Midget. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Heather Small – As she was introduced for her Strictly Come Dancing Samba to Lola Lola on Saturday, it was clear to see that Heather Small had developed a new weapon in her arsenal – the giant afro. This was impressive. What was less impressive was the way that Heather Small declared that she’d be good at the Samba because she was brought up in London, where once a year in one specific part of London there’s a carnival. Based on that logic, we’ve determined that Heather Small would also be good at driving underground trains, being the entire government and stabbing people for their pocket money. Anyway, as for the Strictly Come Dancing routine in itself, it was a little bit like Heather Small’s old band M People, because it was crap and we can’t really remember anything about it, apart from the bit where her partner slung her about like a corpse at the end. The Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed, telling Heather that it was “Lifeless, lacklustre, laboured.” We’d agree, if we could remember anything about it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Cherie Lunghi, Marc Foster and Austin Healey.

This is our last set of Strictly Come Dancing recaps before Saturday’s show, and the thought of it alone is making us giddy. Or nauseous. We’ve lost the ability to tell.

You see, on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, the boys and the girls are going to be intermingled for the first time this series. It’s going to be too much to bear – Jodie Kidd one minute, that bloke of the Kenco adverts the next minute, the one out of S Club 7 the minute after and then the man from GMTV who looks like he’s been carved out of a single block of balsa wood the next. On Saturday, Strictly Come Dancing will literally become a show about dancing.

But before that, here’s the final Strictly Come Dancing recap from last Saturday’s show, for Lisa Snowdon and Rachel Stevens…

Lisa Snowdon – We’ll happily admit that we don’t quite get Lisa Snowdon. She gets to present Britain’s Next Top Model even though from time to time her face looks more like a jellyfish wound than an actual human face, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges love her even though she infuriates us massively. Her Rumba to Suddenly was the perfect example of this – to us it looked horrible; so massively overwrought and melodramatic that it seemed like Lisa Snowdon was actually taking the piss out of Strictly Come Dancing, especially at the end when her partner clutched her fist in such a gormless stab at anguish that it made him mostly look like an American soap star holding in a poo. It was an awful, self-regarding piece of over-the-top wank, so obviously the Strictly Come Dancing judges fell for it completely, describing it as “Come to me, hold me, touch me, feel me.” Weirdos. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Rachel Stevens – In a way, we’ve come to sort of appreciate Rachel Stevens and her Strictly Come Dancing partner – they’re both so tiny and have obviously spent their entire lives avoiding any form of original thought that they’re sort of like the brainless puppies of the show. And that was demonstrated yet again in Rachel’s Quickstep to Little Green Bag on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. It was light and breezy and fun and frothy and everything, but it sort of came and went without troubling anyone very much at all. Having said that, Rachel Stevens sort of holds her arms quite well, and her dancing ability is all the more impressive because she’s obviously a midget. Anyway, what did the Strictly Come Dancing judges think of Rachel’s routine? “Fast, fleet-footed, you two are the perfect package.” They also called it the best Quickstep of the night, so congratulations Rachel Stevens – you’re officially better than a frantic, sob-faced orange woman who used to be on EastEnders. Strictly Come Dancing score – 33

Next week: So many Strictly Come Dancing recaps that we’ve just vomited down our chin.

Ready for some more recaps of Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing? You’ve come to the right place. We’re presuming you just answered ‘yes’ to that, by the way.

Of course, these recaps are just a warm-up for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, when all the male celebrities get to take another turn at destroying their masculinity in a procession of frilly blouses and sparkly shoes while trying not to stare at their partner’s cleavage because they know their wife’s in the audience. Wholesome.

Anyway, cracking on with the Strictly Come Dancing recap, here’s what we made of Heather Small and Rachel Stevens…

Heather Small – One thing was guaranteed right from the outset – Heather Small would be infinitely better at Strictly Come Dancing than she is at her day job. That’s because her day job involves howling like a wounded dinosaur at every opportunity, so even if her dancing involved nothing but curling out a big poo on the middle of the floor, it’d still be better. Anyway, Heather Small’s opening Strictly Come Dancing routine was a salsa, and it was unusual in that she actually gave the impression that she knew what she was doing. At one point Heather even looked as if she might have been enjoying herself, which is completely unheard of, frankly. Plus her routine ended with a sort of daredevil WWF move that could have quite easily ended with her spinal fluid spraying all over Bruce Forsyth‘s suit. Odd that she didn’t get a higher score, really. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Rachel Stevens – Bless her. Rachel Stevens’ Strictly Come Dancing introduction featured her holding a microphone, as if to remind people that she was famous for singing, rather than for covering herself in baby oil and wiggling around for FHM. Rachel’s Strictly Come Dancing campaign is already hampered by the fact that her partner is essentially just a walking erection, but she didn’t let that get to her during her Salsa to a weird ballroom version of Money Can’t Buy Me Love, that was officially Quite Good, although it was a painful reminder that Rachel Stevens was the one from S Club 7 who had the least personality. Still, as a former member of S Club 7 on a reality TV show, at least we know that a career-destroying racist-seeming outburst can only be a few weeks away. Hooray! Strictly Come Dancing score – 31

Tomorrow: The Strictly Come Dancing recap for Cherie Lunghi.