Oh this is terrible news. Terrible news. Remember that 2008 film Jumper, about time travel or whatever?

No? Us neither, actually. Well, it was the film that was destined to go down in history as the film that brought Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen together. What? You didn’t know that Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen were together? Us neither, actually. But they were.

But they’re not now. It’s been reported that Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen have broken off their engagement and decided to split up forever. It’s not known what prompted the split, but chances are it was because each one kept forgetting that the other one existed. We’d do that all the time if we were either of them, whatever their names are.

Sorry readers, the dream is over. Admittedly it was one of those weird dreams where you don’t know who anyone is and you can’t remember a thing about it after you wake up because it’s so completely inconsequential. But, look, it’s over anyway. Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen aren’t engaged any more. Deal with it.

Oh, the hopes and dreams we had for them back when we announced Rachel and Hayden’s engagement last year. More than anything, we wanted them to start a family – their very own acting dynasty. Those would have been some lucky kids – imagine how many doors would open if people knew you were the offspring of the guy from Factory Girl and the girl from one episode of How I Met Your Mother. Probably about two doors. That’s still quite a lot of doors if your expectations are realistic.

But it wasn’t to be. Rachel Bilson’s rep says the engagement is off and the relationship is over. UsMagazine reports:

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen have officially ended their relationship, her rep confirms. “Yes, the engagement is off, therefore, so is the wedding,” her rep tells Us. In June, a source told Us the couple — who co-starred in the 2008 action flick, Jumper — were “taking about a month off” to evaluate their relationship. “They’re taking a break,” the insider added.

In addition, when asked for a similar quote, Hayden Christensen’s rep released a brief statement saying “NOOOOOOOO!” This is because he still thinks it’s cool to reference a specific scene from a Star Wars film that Hayden was in back in 2005. Jesus, it was five years ago. Let go of it already. Sheesh.

Anyway, maybe the split will make both Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen happy. Or sad. Or confused. Or indifferent. Oh, look, it doesn’t matter – you’ll have forgotten everything about this story in half an hour, anyway.

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If you saw the movie Jumper, you may have thought you were watching a hopeless, badly-realised bag of terrible sci-fi dung.

But you weren’t. You were actually watching the first flush of attraction between Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen. So you didn’t depress yourself by paying to watch two hours of gormless pap for nothing. Well, you did, but it made Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen happy.

And now Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are engaged. We say ‘now’ but they actually got engaged in December. It’s not that nobody cares about Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen, it’s… wait. It is that nobody cares. Our mistake.

The thing about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, we find, is that they’re just a bit too bloody famous for our liking. Oh, the days we’ve wasted wishing for a Hollywood power couple to emerge who were both professionally and personally mediocre in every conceivable way.

Which means this is our lucky day, because Hayden Christensen – the man who turned Darth Vader into a stilted, wet-mouthed whiner – has just got engaged to Rachel Bilson, from no good movies ever. It’s perfect – Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are just like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, except without their fame, glamour, philanthropy or box office appeal. Our wish has come true!

Actually, we should probably be a little clearer here – Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen haven’t just got engaged at all. They actually got engaged last year, but nobody had really noticed until now. MSNBC reports:

According to a friend of the actress, the two, who costarred in 2008’s “Jumper,” got engaged in December. “They’re so excited,” says the pal, adding that no wedding date has been set. “They’re a great couple. Rachel seems thrilled beyond belief.” When contacted, Bilson’s rep told PEOPLE, “I don’t comment on my clients’ personal lives.” A rep for Christensen had no comment.

Again, we should probably be clearer about something else here – Hayden Christensen’s reps probably didn’t comment because we’re guessing they died of boredom alone in their office sometime last autumn, and so few people visit or call to make enquiries about Hayden’s work availability or personal life that nobody had even noticed all the milk bottles piling up outside or the funny smell coming from the office. Just a hunch, like.

But anyway, it doesn’t matter that Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen’s engagement was completely ignored for so long, because all that matters is that they’re happy together. So happy together that they never have to share their love with anyone. To the extent that they both stop making films altogether. Please.

And maybe now Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen will concentrate on starting a family. If they do, let’s hope the resulting children all have Rachel Bilson’s doe-eyed good looks and Hayden Christensen’s, um, hang on. Charisma? No. Matinee idol profile? No. Sense of humour? No. Surname? Yeah, that’ll probably do. We hope the baby has Hayden Christensen’s surname.

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