Imagine how hard it is being R Kelly. First off, everyone keeps mentioning the whole urine/minor thing. Then there’s your inner voice that tells you everyone is out to get you… that you’re washed-up. Then there’s the whole Not Understanding Irony Thing.
See, Uncle Kels has forged a career based on some truly wonderful records, coupled with a Dubious Private Life. People love him. It is funny to love R Kelly. Especially when you listen to the lyrics of ‘Shut Up’ or watch the video for ‘Real Talk’.
And of course, his magnus opus is the baffling, hilarious, disturbing, ego-wank that is Trapped In The Closet. And thanks to his lack of insight or foresight, he’s only gone and made a whole load of new episodes of the slopera to deal with some of its ‘mysteries’.
Read More >>>
If only R Kelly had a bunch of events in his life that we could hang some jokes on. We’ve been wracking our brains here and can’t really think of anything that he’s done which we can mock, apart from some of his desperately awful records, that In The Closet lark and the fact it appears that he likes having sex with minors.
Wait! He liked hanging around with Michael Jackson didn’t he? That’s pretty funny isn’t it, because Michael Jackson had a face like a haunted hamstring by the time he died. There must be some correlation between R Kelly’s fondness for minors, allegations made against Jackson and, of course, our penchant for the most obvious jokes in the world.
But before all that, R. Kelly won’t be singing shit as he’s had to have some emergency throat surgery which means he won’t be performing for an indefinite period. Real talk. Or… y’know… No talk.
Read More >>>
R Kelly is being sued by former manager Jeff Kwatinetz for over $1 million. While that’s all very interesting and we’ll mention it later in the article, this is obviously not the reason we’re running the story. Clearly, we want to make jokes about R Kelly and sex with minors.
Of course, Kelly hasn’t ever been to prison or anything like that, so we can’t say he’s properly guilty of it. However, we can join the scrum and snicker about the rumours. And for those thinking we’re being racist, we’d do the same if Woody Allen was in the news more often (c’mon! You don’t think his relationship with Soon-Yi is weird as shit?).
Alas, we’re looking at R Kelly.
Read More >>>
We have all seen the R’n'B opus, ‘In The Closet’ by R Kelly now. It’s an astonishing piece of work that features gay pastors and midgets and R. Kelly clearly stood at the lip of a very ugly nervous breakdown.
Since he wrote huge hits for himself and others, he developed a free-wheeling blorting streaming of conciousness which looks for all the world like he’s making shit up as he goes along. As dreadful as it sounds, it is still an improvement on filming yourself urinating on a child and marrying another, Jerry Lee Lewis style.
However, there’s a track he made which slipped under hecklerspray‘s radar which now pokes us in the brains and prompts us into thinking that R Kelly isn’t in fact as mad as a hedge full of talking spiders, but rather, a rather sophisticated internet meme. Read More >>>
10 - What’s that? You want a gallery of amazing mythical vegetables? Fine, here you go – Welovevegetables
9 - Perhaps the greatest response to an R Kelly song you will ever read – Mychemicaltoilet
8 - Brooke Hogan‘s new album cover is the single worst thing any of you will ever see - Amygrindhouse
7 - Some Very Important Headwear News – Interestment
Read More >>>
Ne-Yo – the only R&B singer on Earth to name himself after the Doppler effect – is a pretty popular chap, but now that’s been legally confirmed.
Last year Ne-Yo was on tour supporting R Kelly, but he got the sack after two shows because he says the crowds preferred him and R Kelly got the hump. A quick court case later, and Ne-Yo seems to have had his argument upheld – he’s just been awarded $700,000 from the tour’s promoter for sacking him so quickly.
So congratulations Ne-Yo – you’re now sort of officially more popular than a man who until recently was thought to have starred in a piss-sex video with a child. That’s just a level of popularity we can only ever dream of reaching. Tell us Ne-Yo, how does that feel?
Read More >>>
If The Odd Couple ever returned to our screens, then there isn't a casting director in the land who could dream up an odder couple than this.
Everyone knows Osama Bin Laden – he’s that crazy foreign guy with a vengeance against the west – and then there's R Kelly, a successful singer who officially doesn’t love children a little bit too much. Imagine those wacky characters shacked up in a flat above a chip shop – it would be a certain ratings winner.
The chances of these two ever bumping into each other over a packet of pork scratchings in the local ale house, though, is quite unlikely. Still this hasn't stopped R Kelly from comparing himself to the world’s most hated terrorist.
Read More >>>
R Kelly is a man who has suffered so much at the hands of the press.
The guy just wants to live his life making A-material albums and wonderful music videos. And, of course, the last thing he wants to do is diddle people too young to get onto the big-kid rides at your local Six Flags.
Why is that? Well, it’s because R Kelly may be a lot of things – like the victim of a horrific back-mole that can sometimes be confused with a camera-lense speck, or tone deaf, but a kid-diddler he most definitely is not!
The man’s been acquitted, you know. You probably guessed that from the title up there.
Read More >>>
