Are you sitting down? Please sit. Take a deep breath before continuing.

Liz Hurley is giving up acting.

It’s alright. Let it out. This is no time to be a man. Let those tears fall. This is a sad day for all of us. It’s like August 1997 all over again. From Metro:

“Filming is very hard with a child, and I found I wasn't able to be a good mum and do movies,” she said. “I decided I couldn't really do movies any more, which was a huge decision because I love making movies.”

And we loved watching you in them, Liz. Really we did. From Permanent Midnight to Serving Sara, everything you touched seemed to turn to straight-to-DVD gold.  

Liz, by the way, hasn’t made a film since 2004’s Method. We just assumed she was taking a break from acting and were waiting with baited breath for her return to the bargain bucket bin at Blockbuster. Now the worst has been confirmed a little bit of us has gone away, never to return.

Farewell to thee, Liz. You shall be missed. But we will never forget. Never forget.

Surely someone must have set up a help line by now? We’ll keep you updated on that front but until then hecklerspray is going to curl up in a ball and watch 2002’s Bad Boy on repeat until our eyes bleed.

Read more:

Liz Hurley Quits Acting – Metro

[story by Callum de Caestecker] 

Remember when main character Jack Bauer became hopelessly addicted to heroin and ended a series crying in utter self-loathing? Boy, that was a chuckle and a half. And that bit when a supermarket full of people were told that they were all going to die from a hideous new virus, and that the best way out was to swallow the cyanide pills that were being handed around? Fun, fun, fun.

Anyone who shares these sentiments may want to shed a tear, however, because it looks like – after seven-and-a-bit years of boss-killing, suspect-beheading, nuclear-bomb-crashing and whispering in a hushed grimace – 24 co-creator Joel Surnow reckons that he's taken the acting skills of Kiefer Sutherland roughly about as far as he can.

This isn't the first disaster to befall 24 of late. Season Six was generally seen as a letdown – far from the overblown, post-pub perfection of the earlier runs, the show was now beginning to recycle itself in the most boring of ways, and not even the fiery extermination of a sizeable chunk of Los Angeles could distract from this. Furthermore, the recent writers' strike has seen production grind to a halt – and if no-one's around to scribble down 34 "Dammit Chloe"s an hour, then there ain't no televisual realtime fun to be had.

Still. Fox TV have taken the whole thing well:

"Joel created one of the landmark series of this decade in 24 and his contribution to its creative excellence over the years has been immeasurable. While he leaves the show in the incredibly capable hands of the talented Howard Gordon, his input will always be welcome."

The reason they're being so civil? Obvious – with the main creative force behind the show gone, the networks can now finally make the version of 24 that they really want to see. So expect an all-new action packed season relaunch called 24: Extreme, in which Kiefer literally grows to 70 feet tall when angry and hisses out terrorist-baiting threats with such force that evil gangs in warehouses shiver the nation over.

We hope for his sake that Surnow didn't leave any killer plot ideas with the network, though. Now he's left, they're almost certain to be Fox property, and chances are he won't get a penny if they're implemented. And – trust us – that sort of creative theft can be annoying. Almost as annoying as if another high-profile Entertainment News site saw how well your 'betting odds' features were doing, and decided to nick it for themselves.

Tsk.

Read More:

Time Is Up for 24 Creator Joel Surnow – TV Guide

Montel Williams is quitting his talk show.

Montel has announced that The Montel Williams Show will come to an end this season, leaving the world's troubled in the capable hands of Dr Phil. Well, capable insomuch that's he's basically just a big shouting bear with alopecia. But you get the idea.

You're only human, so chances are that you define good television by the frequency that it reunites real-life victims of sexual assaults with their attackers, or by how many dangerously anorexic girls it can parade in front of you all sad faced. And if that's the case, you'd better suck up as much of Montel as you can, because he's going away soon, and he won't be coming back.

After 17 years spent listening to the problems of people who think they'll get better help because they're on TV – and 17 years of responding with the same furrowed-brow 'your pain is my pain too' facial expression – Montel Williams has decided to hang up his, um, sofa? His funny little beard? Well, look, Montel is hanging up whatever the thing is that defines his show most. We think it's his sad eyes. Montel's hanging up his sad eyes. Reuters reports:

"The Montel Williams Show" will end its run at the end of this season after 17 years on the air. CBS Television Distribution, the syndicated show's producer and distributor, is offering the compilation series "Best of Montel" for fall, which includes 52 weeks of highlight episodes from the show. "We have been honored to have Montel as a part of our family for the past 17 years, and we're very excited that Montel will live on through these 'best of' episodes," said John Nogawski, president and COO of CBS TV Distribution.

It seems strange that Montel should want to quit his TV show now, when the writers' strike means that it needs all the exploitative, cheaply-made formulaic real-life cack it can get. Far from leaving, Montel should be bumped up to prime time, where all of his guests can expose their frailties and failings to the wider world. At least until Two And A Half Men comes back on TV. Oh Charlie Sheen, will you ever grow up? 

But why now? Why has Montel decided to quit his show now? After all, 17 doesn't seem like a particularly significant number of seasons to go out after. Perhaps Montel Williams is leaving his show to pursue his other interests, like threatening to blow up teenage girls. Or perhaps Montel Williams is no longer able to balance the stress of hosting his own TV show with his ongoing battle with Multiple Sclerosis. Or maybe Montel Williams just got sick of seeing a procession of unhappy attention seekers babble on about themselves relentlessly day in day out for 17 soul-sapping years.

Who can really say which one of these is true (coughthelastonecough). 

Read more:

It's A Wrap For Montel - Reuters 

The 34-year-old veteran made the announcement at the AVN (Adult Video News) Awards in Las Vegas on Saturday.

Announcing her porn retirement, Jenna Jameson said:

“Honesty is key. I will never ever ever spread my legs again in this industry. Ever!”

The response from the audience was unique. Gushing and squirting are commonplace at the AVNs, but usually from the vaginal duct, not the tear.

“I can’t believe it,” said one watery-eyed observer, “what does she expect me to do now? Just keep on watching repeats of her old stuff? I tried that when Friends came off air. Sure, the first few times I heard Phoebe sing ‘Smelly Cat’ it made me chuckle, but after the fiftieth viewing it just wasn’t funny anymore. It wasn’t funny anymore!”

But don’t reach for the tie, stockings and orange just yet, because on receiving the Jenna Jameson crossover star of the year award, ‘actress’ and Jenna-clone Stormy Daniels (who crossed over from all-girl to anal gang-bang, the versatile little thing) reassured the audience, and no doubt filled her mothers bosom with pride, saying:

“Well I plan on spreading my legs for the industry for quite some time.”

Watch Jenna’s retirement below: 

Read more:

Jenna Jameson Announces Retirement From Porn - Entertainmentwise