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Carol Vorderman Leaves Countdown, Is Sort Of A Twonk About It

by Stuart Heritage

£900,000 a year. Look at that number again. £900,000. That’s £75,000 a month. £17,300 a week. £3,461 a day.

And that what Carol Vorderman earnt on Countdown. That’s Countdown, mind you – the mid-afternoon Channel 4 gameshow watched exclusively by ironic students and the infirm. £900,000 for sticking bits of card on a wall and pretending to find Des O’Connor amusing. Still, it’s £900,000 she won’t be getting any more.

Carol Vorderman has quit Countdown, you see, claiming that her bosses demanded that she took a 90% pay cut. And, insulted, Carol Vorderman has taken to just about every newspaper on the face of the earth to bitch about the injustice. On the plus side, at least now Carol Vorderman will be best known for being greedy and vindictive instead of for thinking she’s about 500 times more attractive than she actually is. That’s a step up.

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Sir Alan Sugar Fires Himself From Amstrad

by Stuart Heritage

Listen, we don’t know how to tell you this – it’s as much of a shock to us as it will be to you – but Alan Sugar, he’s… he’s gone.

Dead? No, of course he’s not dead. But Sir Alan Sugar has stepped down as chairman of his company Amstrad after 40 years. That means that all those wonderful jokes about the crappy-looking, pointlessly impractical email telephones he hawked so mercilessly during the first few seasons of The Apprentice are all worthless now. Really, he may as well be dead.

Anyway, even though he’s left Amstrad, Sir Alan Sugar’s still going to be the terrifying boss figure on The Apprentice. However, there’s bound to be some changes – those taking part in next year’s Apprentice will now be battling for a prestigious £100k a year job keeping watch for the rozzers while Sir Alan flogs boxes of unsold email phones from the back of a van in an MFI car park.

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Hooray! Another Reality Star’s Career Is Set To Implode.

by Matthew Laidlow

When summer comes thundering round, we all know what it’s set to bring – ice cream, crappy weather and another soul-sapping series of Big Brother.

In the beginning, Big Brother was a crazy experiment which for once didn’t involve cutting people open or giving them drugs which would result in the growth of an extra eye. Instead, it was set to monitor the results of living in a controlled human environment. Or as most viewers interpreted it, a chance to maybe see some people have sex. But as time has gone on, the experimental phase has vanished and contestants have used Big Brother as a platform to launch a career. None are ever successful and, brilliantly for us, we get to see them crash and burn.

It’s now the turn of Chanelle Hayes.

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Davina McCall Still Not Leaving Big Brother

by Stuart Heritage

To all intents and purposes, Davina McCall is Big Brother – she’s the friendly face who only has to shout a lot and ask breathtakingly awful exit interview questions.

So if Davina McCall ever left Big Brother, the show would obviously fall to pieces. Well, either that or Alexa Chung would instantly start presenting it and nobody would really notice the difference. One or the other.

Anyway, despite a whirlpool of rumours to the contrary, Davina McCall has publicly stated that this won’t be her last season of Big Brother. Which is good for Davina McCall, but you know what that means? It means that this won’t be the last season of Big Brother, either. In fact, it’ll probably go on forever. If you need us, we’ll be crying and drinking bleach in a corner somewhere.

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Tyra Banks To Sack Off America’s Next Top Model?

by Stuart Heritage

What would America’s Next Top Model be like if a gang of dim-looking skinny idiots didn’t screech “Tyra mail!” every 3.2 seconds?

We might soon find out, because word from America’s Top Model is that Tyra Banks is getting on so badly with photoshoot coordinator Jay Manuel that she’s threatening to quit the show. But is there anyone else who can say “you’re still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model,” with Tyra Banks’ utter lack of feeling or expression?

Obviously when we said “we might soon find out,” we didn’t mean us specifically. We wouldn’t be caught dead watching America’s Next Top Model. Ahem.

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Britney Spears’ Lawyer Buggers Off

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears would be the dream client for most lawyers – dumb enough to keep getting into trouble and rich enough to be able to pay for it – but not Sorrell Trope, which is a shame because he happens to be Britney Spears’ lawyer.

Or he was. Or he is but won’t be soon. Sorrell Trope has asked to quit the Britney Spears custody case citing a ‘breakdown in communications’ between the law firm and the singer. Although that’s as far as the explanation goes, it’s thought that the reason for Sorrell Trope’s resignation is either a) that he’s exasperated because Britney Spears keeps missing court-appointed deposition meetings, b) that he’s as bored of this Britney Spears custody nonsense as the rest of us or c) that he’s tired of having to constantly explain what a deposition actually is to Britney Spears. And what custody is. And what children are. And how pens work.

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Meat Loaf Alarmingly Stressed Out By Newcastle

by Stuart Heritage

Meat Loaf has been through a lot in his time – injury, drug addiction, attempted suicide, crooked manager, lawsuits, disease, bankruptcy – but in the end it looks as if it’s Newcastle that’s done Meat Loaf in.

It’s been reported that Meat Loaf has quit music forever, and this is something he apparently decided mid-show in Newcastle on Wednesday night. Mid-song, in fact – as the opening bars to Paradise By The Dashboard Light kicked in, Meat Loaf suddenly decided that he couldn’t be bothered to sing for a living any more and trudged offstage. Sure, Meat Loaf’s apparent breakdown might sound a little worrying, but if he really has quit music then maybe he can start to concentrate on acting again – and who doesn’t want to see more films about man-titted Meat Loaf punching people in a cellar?

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