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X Factor Caught Up In Fix Row After Tesco Thrown Money At Mary Byrne

by Mof Gimmers

Mary Byrne is not a new televisual sensation. There’s a lot of people out there who thrill every time she sings on The X Factor because they’ve convinced themselves that, because she’s older/bigger-boned/not particularly good looking, she’s somehow ‘realer’ and more talented than the other contestants on the show. The sad truth of the matter [...]

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X Factor’s Chloe Mafia Will Take Her Clothes Off For Money But Will Not Have Intercourse With You, Okay?

by Mof Gimmers

You know that girl who was on The X Factor who looked like she was related to the Cuprinol Man? Yeah. The prostitute one called Chloe Mafia. Well, we’ve got bad news for you – you can’t say ‘the prostitute one’ now because she isn’t a prostitute. Of course, you can imply she’s a lady [...]

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X Factor Promotes Prostitution With Chloe Mafia (And hecklerspray Worries About Rates Going Up)

by Mof Gimmers

The X Factor at the weekend went even further into being the British version of WWE, with back stage brouhaha, oddly torsoed greased up pig-men and of course, accusations of being one massive con. The ‘big’ ‘story’ of the show wasn’t concerning anyone of noticeable singing prowess, but rather, the appearance of Chloe Victoria (or [...]

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Simon Cowell Offered £20 Million By ITV For X Factor And Britain’s Got Talent

by Mof Gimmers

Some of you lot hate Simon Cowell’s TV shows so much that you are compelled to leave angry, incoherent, sweary messages on Hecklerspray (and, of course, superior sites) that would make a riot horse blush. Well, ITV have come up with a package that can ensure that it is never seen on television again… but [...]

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The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent’s Future In Doubt As Simon Cowell Threatens To Quit

by Mof Gimmers

Simon Cowell has an amazing ability to polarise opinion. Some think of him as a great TV dame who is there to provide high-camp in a sea of TV seriousness. Others meanwhile, seem to hate him so much that they tune-in for his shows, just so they can turn their back on them and tut [...]

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TR Knight Runs Away From Grey’s Anatomy Forever

by Stuart Heritage

As everybody knows, although onscreen Grey’s Anatomy can be almost fatally tedious, off-screen Grey’s Anatomy is brilliant.

You want a comparison? OK. Onscreen, the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy revolved around a bunch of doctors wondering who’d be asked to perform some surgery on a patient. For approximately the billionth time.

But off-screen? Off-screen the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy revolved around dollop-faced actor TR Knight throwing the mother of all strops and walking off the show because nobody’s giving him the attention that he obviously deserves. See – which one would you watch? Oh, neither? Actually, us too.

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Angelina Jolie Quits Acting To Pursue Full-Time Sanctimony

by Stuart Heritage

Team Aniston, it’s time to get the bunting out; your girl has won – Angelina Jolie has decided to retire from acting.

True, Angelina Jolie may have only hinted at an eventual retirement some time in the future, and only because fame no longer provides the same spiritual nourishment as raising a family or being committed to charitable work. Nevertheless, the message is clear – Angelina Jolie is quitting acting because Jennifer Aniston called her uncool this week.

Great, that’s just what we need – a power-crazed Jennifer Aniston. Now that she knows what can happen when she deploys the word ‘uncool’, we doubt very much that she’ll stop at Angelina Jolie. All we’ll say is this – don’t be surprised if Vince Vaughn suddenly decides to retire from acting as well or if, you know, Brad Pitt develops a horrible wasting disease on his penis. Or something.

Team Aniston, it's time to get the bunting out; your girl has won - Angelina Jolie has decided to retire from acting. True, Angelina Jolie may have only hinted at an eventual retirement some time in the future, and only because fame no longer provides the same spiritual nourishment as raising a family or being committed to charitable work. Nevertheless, the message is clear - Angelina Jolie is quitting acting because Jennifer Aniston called her uncool this week. Great, that's just what we need - a power-crazed Jennifer Aniston. Now that she knows what can happen when she deploys the word 'uncool', we doubt very much that she'll stop at Angelina Jolie. All we'll say is this - don't be surprised if Vince Vaughn suddenly decides to retire from acting as well or if, you know, Brad Pitt develops a horrible wasting disease on his penis. Or something.
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David Tennant Has Had Enough Of This Poxy Doctor Who Lark

by Stuart Heritage

Over the last few years David Tennant has firmly established himself as the most irritatingly wacky gonk-faced Doctor Who ever.

But all good things have to come to an end at some point, and that’s why David Tennant yesterday confirmed everyone’s worst fears – he’s making four more Doctor Who specials. No, that’s not it. We meant to say that after making his four Doctor Who specials, David Tennant is going to leave Doctor Who.

It was a sad announcement, and it’s left Doctor Who fans profoundly upset. But at the same time, the news has also kickstarted speculation over who’ll become the next Doctor Who. Finding an actor who can encapsulate David Tennant’s bravery, enthusiasm and range of zany facial expressions won’t be too hard, though, and we hear that fictional 1980s cartoon puppy Scrappy Doo is top of everyone’s wishlist.

Over the last few years David Tennant has firmly established himself as the most irritatingly wacky gonk-faced Doctor Who ever. But all good things have to come to an end at some point, and that's why David Tennant yesterday confirmed everyone's worst fears - he's making four more Doctor Who specials. No, that's not it. We meant to say that after making his four Doctor Who specials, David Tennant is going to leave Doctor Who. It was a sad announcement, and it's left Doctor Who fans profoundly upset. But at the same time, the news has also kickstarted speculation over who'll become the next Doctor Who. Finding an actor who can encapsulate David Tennant's bravery, enthusiasm and range of zany facial expressions won't be too hard, though, and we hear that fictional 1980s cartoon puppy Scrappy Doo is top of everyone's wishlist.
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Joaquin Phoenix Has Had It Up To Here With This Acting Lark

by Stuart Heritage

We have some unbearably sad news for you – well, some unbearably sad news if you happened to like We Own The Night, anyway.

No? Nobody liked that film? OK, well we have some unbearably sad news if you happened to like Reservation Road. What? None of you liked that either? The Village? Ladder 49? Signs? Brother Bear? Nothing? You didn’t like any of them? What about 8MM, for crying out loud? Everyone liked 8MM, right? No?

Christ, alright, look. What we’re trying to tell you is that Joaquin Phoenix has decided to quit acting forever. But before you start shrugging, bear this in mind – Joaquin Phoenix has quit acting so that he can focus on his music career. That sound you can hear right now? That’s the sound of your soul groaning.

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James Blunt Promises To Quit Music Forever For Money!

by Matthew Laidlow

Quick! Stop what you’re doing. If you thought the biggest announcement of the year was that time travelling thing that’d tell us the secrets of the universe, you’re wrong!

We’ve got something much more important to tell you, something that will cause the world’s population to sigh in unison.

It’s James Blunt. He might write all sorts of songs that get used in chick flicks, love albums and as a weapon to torture terror suspects, but this could soon stop. You see, James Blunt has promised to sew his mouth shut for the right amount of money. Or never step foot in a recording studio again, at least.

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