Have you noticed a trend in pop that sees artists sampling any old shit, rather than sourcing something that works right for a song? Eminem sampled Haddaway, Derulo used ‘Day-Oh (The Banana Boat Song)’ and Cher Lloyd unironically sang the tune from ‘Oh My Darling, Clementine’.

Who is to blame for this? The Black Eyed Peas, that’s who. Have you heard their use of ‘The Time Of My Life’? Crow-barred, lowest common denominating nonsense to provide modernity to familiarity, thereby, maximising sales and opportunities to get played at weddings and bar mitzvahs.

And now, having fully completed Operation Spoil Music For Everyone, they’re able to take a nice long break, knowing that their work is done. Seriously. They’re totally splitting up.

Pop the corks! Roll out the bunting! Put the heating on for half an hour longer than usual! The Black Eyed Peas, the scourge of ears around the world and owners of the title of Worst Super Bowl Halftime Show EVER, are going away for a long time!

HURRAY!

Of course, we won’t get rid of them that easily. They’re like cockroaches. You stomp on ‘em and they leak eggs, ready to make more abominations.

One of the band members who isn’t Fergie or will.i.am… possibly the one that looks like the Jitsu He-Man figure, said:

“We’re going to take a little vacation and focus on our personal things.”

will.i.am threatened the world via dead-eyed Ellen DeGeneres:

“[BEP] always have two cycles of records and then we take a break.”

“When we take breaks you know, we work on side projects and get our personal stuff in order to then come back and make beautiful music”

BEAUTIFUL MUSIC? BEAUTIFUL?

Hugh Laurie is set to quit House. Can you cope? Will you break down and produce oceans of tears, wishing that he’d stick around to do his convincing American accent, with a side of kooky sideways glances and ill-advised blues albums?

So, when is this awful event going to take place? Well, Laurie plans to retire Dr. Gregory House when the eighth season concludes this summer.

That means you nutcase fans of the show have a few months of self-harm to get in while you digest this Earth crushing news before paving the way for a Houseless life where you’ll gradually concede that you didn’t like it all that much, rather, you enjoyed the fact a British actor managed to be a raging success in That America.

In an interview with Radio Times magazine, he said:

“The end of that season, right now looks like the end of the show. Well, that’s as far as they’ve got me for.”

Then, he can treat us all to his terrible Dad Boogie with his album Let Them Talk, which he’ll be taking on a tour of Europe this month.

‘The acting muscles don’t know what they’re doing, actually. Perhaps they should, but they don’t. There’s very little about this … I don’t know… maybe there’s a repetitive action in music – if you do your scales and your fingers are nimble, then there are certain things you just know you can do without too much difficulty.

“Acting for some reason isn’t like that. It doesn’t become automated in quite the same way.”

Anyone?

He continued:

“I never thought this would last seven years, just two weeks I thought. I get tired of getting up at four in the morning. Some days are harder than others.”

Diddums.

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Phil Collins showed that music isn’t exactly his primary passion. His big love is the Alamo and he’s got rooms and rooms filled with old army tat, which he probably dresses up in, silently crying and trying to figure out why everyone hates him so.

Of course, Phil isn’t an evil man at all, as shown when he bravely spoke out against child abuse with the hugely successful ‘Nonce Sense’ campaign, also backed by such luminaries as Gary Lineker and Dr Fox.

And so, with such a busy life, Collins has decided to quit the music industry, leaving everyone to consider a long bleak future which contains absolutely zero releases of Motown covers by a tiny bald man with hearing difficulties.

There’s been a lot of ill-feeling toward Phil Collins for the best part of 20 years. Probably longer. Some Genesis fans will never forgive him for what he did to Genesis, despite the fact that they were just as awful when Peter Gabriel was in the group.

The ’80s came along and everyone pointed at him and spat “Tory git” while he made gigantically successful power ballads like Against All Odds and In The Air Tonight. And power ballads are horrible, horrible things. He didn’t help himself by manning the drum stool with Led Zep at Live Aid either.

Then he made films. Awful, awful films.

And all the while, his mystifying popularity remained. His legions of fans pointed toward the cool riff in Easy Lover and the synthhorn fun of Sussudio while ‘haters’ grew and grew and grew.

Alongside the various health problems that have mercifully scuppered a regular recording career, Phil has decided that he is quitting the music biz for good (yeah right – see you in a couple of years for a Greatest Hits tour Phil) because of those blasted haters.

It goes without saying that Collins’ career has been littered with successes. Number ones, Grammys, Academy Awards and more… but, to quote Noel Gallagher, “you don’t have to be great to be successful. Look at Phil Collins.” Ironically enough, Noel is responsible for some of the most turgid excuses for music ever to grace an unfortunate earhole.

Anyway, holed up in Switzerland (presumably for the bank accounts), Phil is now going to distance himself from a music scene that distanced itself from Phil many, many years ago, save for an appearance of a drum thumping Gorilla selling chocolate bars.

Phil says:

“I don’t really belong to that world and I don’t think anyone’s going to miss me. I’m much happier just to write myself out of the script entirely”

His choice comes from his notion that the world today is more concerned with MTV Music Awards and artists who care more about celebrity status than making ‘proper’ music. Like, musicians who want to appear in films, write scores for Disney, have their ‘art’ used in commercials and, maybe, have their songs used by failed X Factor winners like Steve Brookstein or Westlife?

Eh?

Shut up Phil. Go away you mewing shagsack and go piddle around with your hearing aids and Davy Crockett memorabilia.

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Just when you thought X Factor was over, it reappears like that case of genital herpes you’ve been struggling with since you came back from that long weekend in Bognor. You disgust us.

Coincidentally ‘you disgust us’ was the reaction had by more than 1000 viewers of Saturday’s X Factor Final. But ‘Angry from Guildford’ isn’t calling up OFCOM to complain about the binning of Tesco Value Mary, or to ask just how the hell Katie Weasel was every allowed out of the womb, let alone onto TV.

Nor were they complaining about Matt ‘everyman blokey bloke better-decorator-than-singer’ Cardle winning the whole damn thing and promptly becoming wildly uninteresting.

No, they say there was too much RAUNCHINESS.  Too many SCANTILY clad women.  Too many gyrating PELVISES. Too much of EVERYTHING! This is 7pm on a Saturday, not one of those late night pornographically German skin movies or what ever they are.

Considering the final scored a massive 17.2 million viewers we can only assume that the complaints are from people who were, until Saturday unaware of Christina Aguilera and Rihanna.  They aren’t exactly known for singing ‘Kumbaya’ while dressed tastefully in gingham dresses.  Heck, Rihanna made an umbrella look alluring enough to curdle the loins.

A fella from OFCOM said

“we are assessing the complaints but are not currently investigating the show.”

He may have well have said ‘we’ve taken the phone of the hook so no more mentalists can call up and say the words ‘it wasn’t like this in my day”

We’re pretty conflicted here.  We love being outraged, it gets you reading us.  But we just can’t get upset about this.  We can’t stand on or internet orange box and shout “cover up those ankle you brazen hussy!” Nor can we deliver a good slagging to an impossibly small percentage of those who watched the show.

We tried to figure out the percentage, something like 0.0058% of people who watched the damn show were upset by it.  That’s probably a similar percentage of how many people watching were likely to have lizard tongues that they can catch flies with.

The real story on this is, why the hell are we writing about it?

We disgust us.

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Oh, you’re going to love this! That, or you’ll be bored. Or nonplussed. Whatever. You’ll definitely have some, or no response to some news about The X Factor. Okay? We’re cool now? Good.

When you’re in London, you’re only ever three feet away from someone saying that you’re three feet away from a rat and, likewise, The X Factor is never far away from someone muttering “fix”.

And the latest rumour won’t help matters. Treyc Cohen got booted off the show by judges, which saw people spitting feathers – feathers with swear words written on them. Oh, and there’s the small matter of people suggesting that Treyc received three times as many public voters as her bottom-two rival Katie Waissel.

Of course, everyone was super cheesed off (nonplussed/not bothered at all/etc) when Cheryl Cole refused to join in the vote, which of course, saw Treyc leaving the show. It was clear from the tension and… uh… abuse that ran thick through the air, that people weren’t just going to shrug and say “Oh well, it’s just a camp television show” and walk away.

No. The whole thing reeked of people phoning up Ofcom to complain.

And of course, they did, with more than 1,000 viewers shouting down the phone at someone from Ofcom like it was somehow their fault.

To make matters worse, figures show that, had Cheryl put the panel into deadlock, it would have been Katie who would have left the show as she’d considerably less votes than Treyc.

Treyc’s father waded in, spitting:

“X Factor isn’t about singing, it’s a freak show now.”

“I think Treyc has been let down by Cheryl. She knew Treyc was the better singer, but sat back and let her go. She knew she was already one down after Simon voted for Katie, but refused to balance the score. There should be an investigation into why Cheryl was allowed to refuse to vote.”

A bit much for someone who didn’t stand a chance of winning The X Factor in a million years.

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We all know that The X Factor is a big con, right? It’s poised and scripted to within an inch of its life. And in the thick of the scripts, there’s always been a definite feeling of certain acts who have the air of ‘ear-marked to win, for the sake of a narrative’.

One such act is Katie Waissel who, despite being thoroughly loathed, remains on the show and is crowed about by the judging panel.

And in the same way you can’t polish a turd with the kooky brush, you can’t make people like an act who couples a naked ambition with a sense of entitlement.

There’s a look in Waissel’s eye that already says “I’m a star”, despite toppling evidence to the contrary. She’s not even that quirky. She’s Eliza Doolittle going to a fancy dress party as Lady GaGa.

Of course, this won’t stop her unswerving belief that a life in pop music is her destiny and that, if haters gonna hate, then she must be doing something right… a bit like someone who continually tells themselves that they’re being singled out for being ‘original’ or ‘different’, when the truth is, they’re singled out for being a prick.

And it’s not surprising that the public can’t warm to her when (granted, probably made-up stories) are leaked to us, such as Waissel’s refusal to rehearse ahead of this weekend’s X Factor live show. This is when people completely suspend their disbelief and start thinking “You should be grateful for your platform! Little shit!”

Apparently, she’s also upset at the song chosen for her to perform on American Anthems week.

A source told the newspaper:

“She doesn’t like to rehearse. She won’t sing the song they give her, either.

“Right now, Katie is refusing to practise at all and says she would just prefer to go on stage and sing a song first pop.”

What’s the betting that Gamu is currently grinding her teeth to dust, furious at these jumped up squirts playing the diva card before they’ve even got the sniff of a proper career?

“It’s not ideal after she publicly broke down after escaping the bottom two again last week. She’s been told she needs to do a lot of work.

“After she was turned into the show clown last week, she is not having fun behind the make-up and insists her raw voice on the night is all she needs.”

As a result, she may be asked to leave the show (the reality is that she won’t because the producers know damn well that we like to tune in just to hate people), especially with the addition that Waissel delayed the video shoot for the show’s charity single.

That’s nice isn’t it?

And now, her family (who can clearly see through the murky allure of television) want Katie off the show.

She’s apparently been having panic attacks and was taken to the doctors for check-ups. However, so low is Waissel’s stock, that everyone is probably writing all this off as attention seeking rubbish.

And so, the democratic process of the show is clinging on for dear life. It’s obvious that she’ll be in the bottom two frequently and that the judges of the show will tend to favour her. What’ll be interesting is if she faces Wagner in a results show.

Which will win out? Our will to hate or our want to mock?

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Well, would you credit it? You wait for ages for a story about your favourite X Factor contestant, Matt Cardigan, to come along and them out of the blue you get two completely unrelated things appearing about him. Odd that.

First up, is that since the competition has started and everyone has finally started to realise that the original front runner, Cher, is clearly just Cheryl Cole in drag (seriously, you never see them both in the same shot, do you? Well, apart from the times that you do, but look closely and you’ll see that one, or both of them are just surprised Labradors dressed from the sale rail at Topshop) the odds have considerably shortened in favour of Matt Curdle, making him the current favourite.

Also, in entirely unconnected news, he’s just got back together with his girlfriend.

Timing is a funny thing, isn’t it? A couple of months ago if you’d have wanted to get to know Treyc better you’d have had to, uh, meet her in real life or something. Or maybe arrange to ‘bump into her’ when she’s wandering round the shops looking at meat. And if for some reason you’d have wanted to meet Wagner you’d just have to keep turning up at swingers parties for the over 40s with a truly scary amount of piss and vinegar (in both senses of the words – seriously, we imagine he has large Jeroboams of both at home that he liberally sprinkles over his sleeping-chamber to help lure his prey).

Anyway, if you want to find out about the culinary, olfactory or libidinous peccadillos of any of the contestants now, you just need to crack open a magazine or stay awake during the news.

Thanks to the relentless scrutiny of the press and the horrible workings of our minds, we now know, for example, that Paije enjoys long walks in the rain, winning at scrabble and impersonating a top hat while standing in alleyways, and that Belle Amie form human pyramids in order to attract the attention of prominent bacon producers. But we also know that Matt Candle has a fame hungry heart of stone that led him to dump his girlfriend of four and a half years after he got accepted into the boot camp.  But now, however, he’s taken her back. Guess he didn’t fancy Mary then.

DigitalSpy drops to its knees and bellows:

Cutmore said: “We’re doing things in our own time and we want to keep things between us private. But yes, we are back on the good terms we were on before the show started.” Cardle reportedly told her that he had made a “mistake” before asking her back.

(nb: Cutmore here refers to the girlfriend, as if you didn’t know. They also seem to have spelled Cradle’s name wrong)

So, sorry ladies, him and his lovely behatted face are off the market. Well, until it seems prudent to dump his long term girlfriend again in the name of singing some dull songs to idiots.

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STORM LEE TO GET OWN SERIES! Yes, you read that right. X Factor’s Scoterican Sting-alike outcast Storm Lee is to be given his very own cartoon series by production company BST.

Edinburgh-born Storm (born a baby and called Lee Gardner) is said to be delighted to have been chosen out of the rejected contestants so far to take on the cartoonised role and has confirmed that he will be lending his voice to the role.

We at hecklerspray are led to believe that Storm will be playing Lee Gardner, unassuming talent scout by day but by night he is Storm Lee: Musical Superhero.

Rumour has it that the show will be set in a fictionalised version of London twinned with San Francisco and artists have released a series of concept sketches to journalists and bloggers alike on the proviso that they are not released before a certain date.

In the sketches, which are closely-guarded, pink-haired superhero Storm carries a Mercury-esque microphone stand as a weapon and sports a classic naval uniform reminiscent of Adam Ant.

A representative of production company BST told Hecklerspray that they were delighted Storm had signed on.

“We’re delighted to get Storm on board with this project as we’ve been looking to work in an X Factor contestant to this idea for quite some time.”

It wasn’t an easy decision though. The rep continued:

“Naturally, we approached Diva Fever but unfortunately they had already signed on to work with a popular West End musical so it was really a boon for us, and our animators, that Storm found time in his very busy schedule and decided to work with us.”

Keep your eyes peeled for more gossip and news from Storm’s new series exclusively at hecklerspray.

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It’s ludicrous that people watch The X Factor and expect to see a singing contest. It has been on television long enough for everyone to know exactly what it is all about – and that’s putting bums on sofas in front of the television. No more, no less. It’s as music based as WWE is a sport.

So berating it for anything is pointless and frankly boring. Yet that doesn’t stop some of you lot from being up-in-arms about the whole thing. Some people are in a constant state of outrage over the show. Some people won’t be happy ’til the show features nothing but dismal indie band who don’t mime and write their own rubbish songs.

And so, the faux-despair continues as people point at Wagner and demand some imagined fairness and stomp their pathetic, tantrummy feet about Cheryl Cole’s miming.

That’s right. People are glaring at Wagner Carrilho because he just won’t leave the show. Facebook campaigns have kicked off as ironists feel the need to keep the kooky Brazilian on the programme. Presumably, this means drumming up support in the hope that people will phone-in and cast their vote to really stick it to Simon Cowell!

YEAH! That’ll show him won’t it? Generating all that cash through an expensive voting system which goes straight into Simon Cowell’s pocket and encourages the belief that ITV should give him increasingly more lucrative contracts to stay on air!

Oh.

And some of these ridiculous Facebook groups are looking at this Wagner campaign in the same light as the stupid Rage Against the Machine campaign last year, which showed that the most pious and piddly people in Britain are the dregs of the indie disco dancefloor who have a point to prove… they’re just not quite sure what it is.

Naturally, there are some that really don’t get Wagner and want The X Factor to be some kind of fair talent show like we saw in an imagined golden period of ’70s light-entertainment. Not that the Clap-O-Meter was rigged in anyway. Nope. Not one bit.

Yet these people are angry that the nice John Adeleye was voted out of the competition and Wagner remained. At least Adeleye won’t be embarrassed when he gets back to work because his patients won’t even remember who he is (much like the rest of us in 6 months time).

Of course, it’ll be hard to forget Wagner’s incredible rendition of ‘Love Shack’ and ‘Living the Vida Loca’.

The real point here is that Wagner’s novelty factor won’t last forever and there’s already a palpable sense that people are tiring of the joke now. At least his continued existence gives us all the chance to picture him bearing down on Tesco Mary with an amorous look in his eye and an erection barely concealed by a grotty leopard print silk effect thong.

But at least he sings live, right?

Apparently, there’s more outrage surrounding the show about Cheryl Cole’s performance over the weekend. SHE MIMED! SHE MIMED! OH MY GOODNESS! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! HOW COULD SHE DO SUCH A THING?!

Miming has been a staple in the pop world for as long as it has been around. The Beatles have mimed on TV shows in the ’60s and millions of supposedly credible bands have mimed their way through countless Top of the Pops performances from year dot to its death.

Yet, for some reason, Cheryl Cole isn’t allowed to when performing on The X Factor.

And the most delicious irony in all this is that The X Factor machinery has realised that it can just as easily thrive on the negative energy thrown toward it. Like a self-destructive teenager, it owns a neediness that knows no bounds. There was a time when it genuinely wanted to create a new singing sensation… now it just wants your attention.

So, to all those outraged by whatever. Well done you. You keep The X Factor the oxygen it needs to live and those of us who take it for what it is – a really weird TV show – can continue to make stupid jokes on Twitter and arbitrarily pick contestants to kinda fancy.

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If you despise pop culture, then Facebook and X-Factor should be depressing you to the extent of rubbing sandpaper across your face. Facebook was once simply a tool used by people to send simple messages, get poked and plan events. Now it seems that groups are started to launch hate vendettas or start a meaningless campaign.

The time has rolled round for the “social networking” site to pointlessly launch an attack on X-Factor 2010.

Now how can you dislike the X-Factor? Cheryl Cole conveniently contracted womanflu, or as she called it, “malaria”. We’ve seen guest judges ahoy with Katy Perry and Louis Hamilton’s girlfriend filling in for Kylie Minogue’s sister and poorly Cheryl.

Immigration was also a hot topic with Gamu failing to realise that exposure on national TV might cause suspicion from visa HQ. With the live finals in full swing, the killjoys are out to sabotage the guaranteed X-Factor number one. Last year saw six form rebels Rage Against The Machine clinch the Christmas crown, this year the aim is to get something more topical to the top spot.

Christmas is a time for giving, sharing, eating silly amounts of turkey and generally using it as an excuse to get drunk at any given hour without being referred to as an alcoholic. Unlike other Christian holidays such as lent and the one where we swap chocolate eggs, Christmas has its own range of booty shaking songs. Don’t expect any drum & bass tinged anthems, these are strictly traditional carols.

Little Drummer Boy, O Holy Night and There is Room in The Stable are favourites in the hecklerspray office and make us want to crack open the mulled wine and burn our fingers over an open fire whilst attempting to roast chestnuts. However, the most popular Christmas carol seems to be Silent Night. We know this due to crazy amounts of singers knocking on our door and threatening to put out our windows if we don’t give them money for putting up with their angelic singing.

As we’re sure you’re aware, Rage Against The Machine don’t have much to do with Christmas. A track with multiple utterances of “fuck” was immaturely used as an alternative number one to cause a lukewarm sense of rebellion from people who didn’t quite understand what was going on. This year’s choice is ironically called “Sound Of Silence” which we assume is a parody on the traditional carole.

But what does the song sound like? Surely the organisers could have picked a song we’d have heard of. Well dear reader, we can create it for you. Simply pause whatever music your listening to and strain your ears hard for roughly four and a half minutes. Like what you hear? We didn’t think so, as the Sound Of Silence is a literal recording of erm…nothing that was created by composer John Page in 1952.

He was almost as popular as The Beetles for his avant-garde style of composing.

What’s this? Stop press everyone! Has our very own expert disc jockey and editor to hecklerspray Mof Gimmers already rubbed his non crystal balls to predict the use of “Sound Of Silence” as a future number one Christmas parody? Looky here, he wrote those words ten months ago! The smart-arse.

Soon we expect bloody Radio 1 to be involved in interviewing the creators and getting soundbites from morons of the street. Hooray indeed for people wanting to fight back against the ever growing industry machine that is Simon Cowell, but surely if you don’t like X-Factor, why not switch off the TV? It’s only a bit of harmless fun after all and gives a few people a chance to achieve an ambition of singing to more people than just an OAP retirement home. Let them go for that whilst you rock back and forth in the dark and piss in to a bottle because you think the outside world is too scary.

To be a mindless sheep and join the group where you won’t download the song because you’re too tight, click here.

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Mary Byrne is not a new televisual sensation. There’s a lot of people out there who thrill every time she sings on The X Factor because they’ve convinced themselves that, because she’s older/bigger-boned/not particularly good looking, she’s somehow ‘realer’ and more talented than the other contestants on the show.

The sad truth of the matter is, is that she’s a decent enough singer, but not a particularly great one. When she opened her mouth in the auditions, there wasn’t a Susan Boyle-esque ‘blooody hell’ moment. There was a moment of familiarity. She’s representing a million good karaoke singers from pubs across the world.

However, reports are suggesting that ‘Tesco Mary’ (PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT!) may be a bit different from the rest of the pub crooners in the world, and that’s because she’s got an incredibly rich company backing her.

Yes indeed. Showing that every little helps, Mary Byrne was caught up in a fix spat last night after the big cheeses at Tesco spent thousands trying to help their employee win on The X Factor.

The supermarket giant has been sending out email after email and countless reminders to the 300,000 workers to “vote Mary”, who of course, works at a checkout in a Dublin branch.

Over the weekend, Tesco also screened a TV advert in Ireland during the transmission of the show on TV3 saying “We’re behind Mary!”

Funnily enough, this was timed just as people had been asked to pick their phones up and vote for their favourite. A lot of fans of the show have been whining on message boards and the like, saying that all this help gives a distinctly average singer (in the scheme of things) an unfair advantage.

That said, if she were to stay in the show at the expense of the utterly hateful Katie Weasel, then you can be confident that we wouldn’t complain about this at all.

Last night, show bosses declined to comment but TV3 said the advert didn’t break any rules.

A Tesco spokesman said:

“We are fully supportive of Mary and so are her friends and colleagues at Tesco, but as to how anyone votes, that is up to them.”

One can only hope that all this doesn’t make too much of a difference to the show’s proceedings because… well… Simon Cowell & Co. would do a much better and much more thrilling job of fixing it, should the show need it. That last sentence there was put in for legal reasons you understand.

We keenly await Asda’s financial backing of Wagner.

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You know that girl who was on The X Factor who looked like she was related to the Cuprinol Man? Yeah. The prostitute one called Chloe Mafia. Well, we’ve got bad news for you – you can’t say ‘the prostitute one’ now because she isn’t a prostitute.

Of course, you can imply she’s a lady of the night if you want – we’re not the boss of you. However, you’ll be wrong and rude. She’s not a prostitute, but rather, someone who will take her clothes off for money. Oh, and we totally didn’t pay for her services. Nope.

What’s the difference? Christ, if you don’t know, then hand yourself into the nearest police station.

Like the Chippendales and Adam Rickett, Chloe is paid to stand around with hardly any clothes on.

Victoria told BBC Radio Leeds:

“X Factor rang me one night and said ‘Is there any truth in the story?’ and I said ‘no’. And they said, ‘Well don’t worry, because if there’s no truth in it, it won’t come out’. So I forgot about it.

“It’s not true at all… we’re in this thing called P2P girls, which is ‘Paid to Party’. We get paid to go to different events and do different things.

“But it’s not like you’re sleeping with anyone or anything like that. If they wanted anything extra they’d go to an escort agency, not Paid to Party girls… What I want to do first is try and clear my name – try and prove it obviously.”

Eagle-eyed nerds will probably be tittering at ‘P2P’ because that’s what some people call illegal filesh… *falls asleep typing*. However, here at the hecklerspray bedsit, we’re reminded of the Brass Eye gag, and we can only pray that P2P isn’t a reference to Pipe To Pipe Bushman. Again, that would see a need for people handing themselves in to the nearest police station.

Anyway, one thing that this Chloe lass has in her favour – remarkably – is perspective.

When asked if the show had ruined her life, she said:

“X Factor just ruined my reputation but it hasn’t ruined my life. But then again it’s not X Factor that’s done it, it’s newspapers and stuff like that.

Unbelievable! Most people who have a fling with the spotlight end up mewing and wailing about their lives being in tatters and here we have a young and very orange looking girl who has been able to take a step back and almost shrug at the whole thing.

Victoria added to The Mirror:

“The claims I’m a prostitute have been heart-breaking. There are fake websites about me saying I’m selling myself but they’ve taken pictures from my Facebook.

“I’m just glad my grandad, who died last year and was my guardian angel, was not alive to hear about it.”

So there you have it. A whole story talking about someone who appeared on a singing contest and not once did anyone point out that she can’t sing in tune with a backing tape.

That’s a small victory for Chloe in itself. Something tells us that we won’t be hearing the last of her. Don’t blame us. Blame yourselves for reading this rubbish.

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The X Factor at the weekend went even further into being the British version of WWE, with back stage brouhaha, oddly torsoed greased up pig-men and of course, accusations of being one massive con.

The ‘big’ ‘story’ of the show wasn’t concerning anyone of noticeable singing prowess, but rather, the appearance of Chloe Victoria (or Chloe Mafia if you prefer… Chloe Heald to her mum).

She appeared looking like a stewed cup of tea, wearing the jeans of someone who had been sexually assaulted by a tiger and sang her little lungs out and… well… must to the irritation of the crowd, got through to the next round despite being rather shit. And yet, now, we find that her appearance is apparently promoting prostitution, which is nice.

Simon Cowell’s show has axed people in the past for various reasons, including mental health problems and the like. However, The X Factor is now feeling the heat after being accused of glamorising prostitution as it refused to axe our Chloe who, it transpires, charges money for blow-jobs.

The Daily Mail has really got into a flap about it all, noting that Chloe has “racked up an appalling catalogue of crimes as a child – being arrested an astonishing 140 times.”

Basically, like most scallies (which Chloe clearly is), she’s been involved in car-crashes, muggings, petty theft and listening to Black Eyed Peas without irony.

A friend told the Daily Mirror:

“We called him Hustler and her Bad girl. They caused mayhem wherever they went.”

Of course, the thing that is making everyone feel most ill is that she’s a prostitute. We’re already imagining the terrible stains she’d leave in a bed. You can’t wear a Ronseal Man’s worth of fake-bake and not varnish everything you touch like some King Midas in reverse.

Still, we can’t say that Chloe doesn’t work hard for her money. Whilst most contestants who get through to the boot camp immediately start dreamily acting like pop-stars and doing piss-all other than scales in the bath room, our Chloe carried on doing her day-job (well, night-job) as it emerged that she was still offering sex for money while in the Premier Inn hotel, Wembley, north London.

One one website, regularly used by hecklerspray writers, she wrote:

“I want to meet guys and girls for nothing but dirty fun. I’ve just been on X Factor 2010… yes into the next round just keeping it real. I can sing, dance yes like a slut too and I’ve loads of norty outfits.”

In the name of investigative journalism, hecklerspray writers paid for her service and can confirm that she charges £250 an hour (galling as she used to charge us £160 an hour) and will do almost anything you ask. Mercifully for us, we only last a matter of seconds, ensuring that we get our kicks for a couple of quid.*

Cowell has responded to the criticisms saying:

“We haven’t banned prostitutes. If a person applies to the X Factor it’s obvious they want to do something better with their life.”

A spokesman for the show backed Cowell up, saying:

“We’re not doing anything. The editing process will continue and she may appear again – but that will be an editing choice, nothing to do with her alleged career choice. She will be treated as everyone else is.”

Some groups are claiming that Chloe’s appearance on the show is glamorising sex-work, but let’s be honest here – she can’t sing, Louis Walsh hates her, she sports an expression on her face that makes her look like a perished shoe and every time she opened her mouth she was greeted by boos and brays.

Yeah. Glamorous like you wouldn’t believe.

*Legal Ed. This section is a joke and in no way true. Besides, hecklerspray writers are paid in fried egg barms and therefore cannot afford prostitutes, with the exception of our writers who reside in the North East of England who trade one type of nosh off for another.

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Some of you lot hate Simon Cowell’s TV shows so much that you are compelled to leave angry, incoherent, sweary messages on Hecklerspray (and, of course, superior sites) that would make a riot horse blush.

Well, ITV have come up with a package that can ensure that it is never seen on television again… but you’ll have to club together to make it stop.

You see, the broadcaster has offered Simon Cowell somewhere in the region of £20 million in an attempt to keep his shows on our screens.

A source has told the Daily Telegraph that the big cheeses at Britain’s Favourite Channel That Resides In The 3 Button hoped to secure the Cowell’s allegiance until 2013.

This, of course, comes on the back of the news that he was ready to axe the shows completely.

The insider says:

“The desire is to pin down three years. This could have been sorted out six months ago. We need to know what we’re doing otherwise we will commission alternative products.

“We can’t be 80% certain of The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent. It appears we have this sort of dance-around most years.”

So what does this mean for the haters of his shows? Well, it’s quite simple. Set up a paypal account and all club together to raise money to give Cowell so he goes away and never darkens your television sets again. Well, ’til 2013 at least.

ITV have named their price, so if you better it, you can all be more smug than when you got Rage Against The Machine to Christmas Number One.

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Simon Cowell has an amazing ability to polarise opinion. Some think of him as a great TV dame who is there to provide high-camp in a sea of TV seriousness. Others meanwhile, seem to hate him so much that they tune-in for his shows, just so they can turn their back on them and tut repeatedly.

Either way, Cowell’s shows are big business and pretty much everyone has an opinion on them. But for how long?

You see, the future of The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent is now in doubt after Cowell stated that he’s still not made his mind up about the franchises. And if Cowell goes, then surely, the show goes with him?

At the time of press, Cowell has only agreed to do the American X Factor in 2011 and hasn’t yet decided if he’s even going to bother with the British programmes.

He told some newspaper:

“At the moment you are only going to see me do one show – and it is not in England. We have to make a decision if we can make the shows better. Do people want them back?”

“There has got to be a mood here for these shows, and I have always been very conscious of that. You can’t force anything. And it has got to be fun, the minute it stops becoming fun, bye bye.”

“Genuinely I am going to take this week by week because it is about mood. That is how I feel. I may wait till the end of this show to decide, exactly. Look, at the end of the day you are led by your audience, if they are enthusiastic and they want more, you do it.”

Ratings for the show have been high in this new series, breaking the 10 million mark consistently. However, it hasn’t been without controversy after loads of people complained about autotune and the treatment of a contestant who it transpired had mental health issues.

Still. That girl who punched her mate in the face was good fun wasn’t she?

Cowell hasn’t decided about the future of BGT, saying:

“I have not decided if I am doing Britain’s Got Talent. There are a lot of scheduling issues. We are getting to the point where we have to make a decision.”

The show is in limbo, after Piers Morgan quit the show after signing a £5.5million deal with US TV network CNN. It’s baffling isn’t it? Piers Morgan, cracking America with his big suet-pudding face.

Is this the end for X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent in the UK?

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