Quit - HecklerSpray

Black Eyed Peas Splitting Up After Completing Mission To Ruin Music Forever

November 23rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Have you noticed a trend in pop that sees artists sampling any old shit, rather than sourcing something that works right for a song? Eminem sampled Haddaway, Derulo used ‘Day-Oh (The Banana Boat Song)’ and Cher Lloyd unironically sang the tune from ‘Oh My Darling, Clementine’.

Who is to blame for this? The Black Eyed Peas, that’s who. Have you heard their use of ‘The Time Of My Life’? Crow-barred, lowest common denominating nonsense to provide modernity to familiarity, thereby, maximising sales and opportunities to get played at weddings and bar mitzvahs.

And now, having fully completed Operation Spoil Music For Everyone, they’re able to take a nice long break, knowing that their work is done. Seriously. They’re totally splitting up.

Hugh Laurie To Quit House Which Is Obviously Awful, Awful News

May 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hugh Laurie is set to quit House. Can you cope? Will you break down and produce oceans of tears, wishing that he’d stick around to do his convincing American accent, with a side of kooky sideways glances and ill-advised blues albums?

So, when is this awful event going to take place? Well, Laurie plans to retire Dr. Gregory House when the eighth season concludes this summer.

That means you nutcase fans of the show have a few months of self-harm to get in while you digest this Earth crushing news before paving the way for a Houseless life where you’ll gradually concede that you didn’t like it all that much, rather, you enjoyed the fact a British actor managed to be a raging success in That America.

Phil Collins Retires From Music Which Will Obviously Have A Massive Impact On The World

March 7th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Phil Collins showed that music isn’t exactly his primary passion. His big love is the Alamo and he’s got rooms and rooms filled with old army tat, which he probably dresses up in, silently crying and trying to figure out why everyone hates him so.

Of course, Phil isn’t an evil man at all, as shown when he bravely spoke out against child abuse with the hugely successful ‘Nonce Sense’ campaign, also backed by such luminaries as Gary Lineker and Dr Fox.

And so, with such a busy life, Collins has decided to quit the music industry, leaving everyone to consider a long bleak future which contains absolutely zero releases of Motown covers by a tiny bald man with hearing difficulties.

No X Factor Please, We’re British

December 14th, 2010 By Randy Figgins

Just when you thought X Factor was over, it reappears like that case of genital herpes you’ve been struggling with since you came back from that long weekend in Bognor. You disgust us.

Coincidentally ‘you disgust us’ was the reaction had by more than 1000 viewers of Saturday’s X Factor Final. But ‘Angry from Guildford’ isn’t calling up OFCOM to complain about the binning of Tesco Value Mary, or to ask just how the hell Katie Weasel was every allowed out of the womb, let alone onto TV.

Nor were they complaining about Matt ‘everyman blokey bloke better-decorator-than-singer’ Cardle winning the whole damn thing and promptly becoming wildly uninteresting.

The X Factor Is Rigged Part 629: Treyc Had Three Times The Vote Of Katie

November 9th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Oh, you’re going to love this! That, or you’ll be bored. Or nonplussed. Whatever. You’ll definitely have some, or no response to some news about The X Factor. Okay? We’re cool now? Good.

When you’re in London, you’re only ever three feet away from someone saying that you’re three feet away from a rat and, likewise, The X Factor is never far away from someone muttering “fix”.

And the latest rumour won’t help matters. Treyc Cohen got booted off the show by judges, which saw people spitting feathers – feathers with swear words written on them. Oh, and there’s the small matter of people suggesting that Treyc received three times as many public voters as her bottom-two rival Katie Waissel.

X Factor’s Katie Waissel Is A Lesson In How To Be Unpopular

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

We all know that The X Factor is a big con, right? It’s poised and scripted to within an inch of its life. And in the thick of the scripts, there’s always been a definite feeling of certain acts who have the air of ‘ear-marked to win, for the sake of a narrative’.

One such act is Katie Waissel who, despite being thoroughly loathed, remains on the show and is crowed about by the judging panel.

And in the same way you can’t polish a turd with the kooky brush, you can’t make people like an act who couples a naked ambition with a sense of entitlement.

Matt Cardle Becomes X Factor Favourite And Strangely, Girlfriend Comes Back To Him

October 28th, 2010 By Ralph Sanders

Well, would you credit it? You wait for ages for a story about your favourite X Factor contestant, Matt Cardigan, to come along and them out of the blue you get two completely unrelated things appearing about him. Odd that.

First up, is that since the competition has started and everyone has finally started to realise that the original front runner, Cher, is clearly just Cheryl Cole in drag (seriously, you never see them both in the same shot, do you? Well, apart from the times that you do, but look closely and you\’ll see that one, or both of them are just surprised Labradors dressed from the sale rail at Topshop) the odds have considerably shortened in favour of Matt Curdle, making him the current favourite.

Also, in entirely unconnected news, he's just got back together with his girlfriend.

X Factor Reject Storm Lee To Get His Own Series?

October 27th, 2010 By Michael Park

STORM LEE TO GET OWN SERIES! Yes, you read that right. X Factor?s Scoterican Sting-alike outcast Storm Lee is to be given his very own cartoon series by production company BST.

Edinburgh-born Storm (born a baby and called Lee Gardner) is said to be delighted to have been chosen out of the rejected contestants so far to take on the cartoonised role and has confirmed that he will be lending his voice to the role.

We at hecklerspray are led to believe that Storm will be playing Lee Gardner, unassuming talent scout by day but by night he is Storm Lee: Musical Superhero.

Outrage As People Keep Wagner On The X Factor And Cheryl Cole Mimes! Did We Mention Outrage?

October 26th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

It’s ludicrous that people watch The X Factor and expect to see a singing contest. It has been on television long enough for everyone to know exactly what it is all about – and that’s putting bums on sofas in front of the television. No more, no less. It’s as music based as WWE is a sport.

So berating it for anything is pointless and frankly boring. Yet that doesn’t stop some of you lot from being up-in-arms about the whole thing. Some people are in a constant state of outrage over the show. Some people won’t be happy ’til the show features nothing but dismal indie band who don’t mime and write their own rubbish songs.

And so, the faux-despair continues as people point at Wagner and demand some imagined fairness and stomp their pathetic, tantrummy feet about Cheryl Cole’s miming.

Facebook Versus X-Factor Christmas Number One! The Battle Starts Now!

August 7th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

If you despise pop culture, then Facebook and X-Factor should be depressing you to the extent of rubbing sandpaper across your face. Facebook was once simply a tool used by people to send simple messages, get poked and plan events. Now it seems that groups are started to launch hate vendettas or start a meaningless campaign.

The time has rolled round for the ?social networking? site to pointlessly launch an attack on X-Factor 2010.

Now how can you dislike the X-Factor? Cheryl Cole conveniently contracted womanflu, or as she called it, ?malaria?. We've seen guest judges ahoy with Katy Perry and Louis Hamilton?s girlfriend filling in for Kylie Minogue?s sister and poorly Cheryl.