Impressionists. It’s hard to know whether to laugh at them or kill them by strangling them with their own vocal chords.

Alas, they’re not all idiots. Some are rather good and inventive with it. Of course, most aren’t. Most are jarring nincompoops.

However, one chap has an A-to-Z of celebrity impressions and, while some aren’t too hot, some are really, really great.

In the alphabet of impressions, you’ll hear George Clooney, Matt Damon, Eddie Izzard, Patrick Stewart, Ron Howard, Kevin Spacey and a very, very splendid take on Quentin Tarantino and John Malkovich.

Unless you hate impressionists.

Then you’ll obviously hate this video so hard that it’ll actively give you energy and you’ll stomp around and beat your fists on your head with blind rage.

Or not.

Who cares? Watch this mildly distracting video and make your own stupid mind up.

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What is Kevin Costner famous for? Well, he sang I Will Always Love You and said “back, and to the left” for five hours straight in JFK and… uh… he was in the terrible Waterworld. And that’s about it.

And now, getting the chance to redeem himself from such atrocities, he now being lamer than a horse sanctuary, wimping out of Quentin Tarantino’s ‘Django Unchained’.

Thank god we’ve got Kurt Russell – a real man – to take his place. Whaddaguy!

Alas, this is only a rumour at the moment, but if it turns out to be true, then it would see Russell reuniting with Tarantino after they worked together on 2007′s Death Proof.

So what will Kurt be doing, now that Costner is being a filthy chump?

Well, Russell will take on the role of Ace, a vicious understudy to Leonardo DiCaprio’s bad guy plantation owner. Expect racist dialogue that will make you laugh guiltily.

It appears that Costner pulled out of Tarantino’s spaghetti western thanks to “scheduling conflicts.” That’s code for ‘I don’t think I’ve got the nuts to do a film that is in any way edgy, soz’.

And when can we see this flick?

Django Unchained is scheduled for release on Christmas Day 2012. Expect theatres to smell like sprout farts and sherry scented puke.

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Ah, Courtney Love. What would we do without you. When things get a little too much for us to bear, we just take one look at your increasingly peculiar face and think to ourselves: ‘At least things aren’t as bad as that.’

The Former Mrs Cobain has, for some reason, taken it upon herself to become the Grunge Joan Rivers, despite the fact that precisely no-one actually asked for it.

And now, humble Courtney is getting out her crayons and starting work on her autobiography which will be a gentle, thoughtful read, sensitively looking back on her life with a suicidal husband who took loads of bad drugs, as well as her fondness for jacking up on bad shit while having sex with a variety of rock singers.

The Hole frontwoman has just signed a book deal and of course, there’s a good chance that her biog will be a hilarious read for anyone brave enough to actually pick the damn thing up.

Lynn Grady, the poor woman tasked with editing the book, says:

“Courtney is one of the most fascinating and provocative artists of our time, one of those rare performers who continues to reinvent herself time and again throughout the arc of her career”.

Reinvent? Let us think.

She went from car-crash singer to car-crash widow… then she was a car-crash actress who then became a car-crash car-crash. Oh, and she repeatedly accidentally posted naked photos of herself on twitter.

On that score, anyone who has actually read any of Courtney Love’s various twitter feeds will know the gargantuan task that lies ahead for anyone editing this tome.

Let us hope she’s mental enough to talk about the strained relationship between herself and estranged daughter, Frances.

The madness is unleashed in 2012.

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Samuel L Jackson is, once again, going to be teaming up with Quentin Tarantino. It has been confirmed and everything. This is fine, fine news.

Jackson’s publicist has told Variety that the actor has signed up for the film Django Unchained.

What’s Django Unchained? We like to think of it as Slave Japes. We also really hope Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a role in it. Let us explain.

Jackson (the hardest working man in Hollywood, c/o absolutely everybody) has been tipped to play Stephen.

Stephen is a house slave and the right-hand man of a sadistic slavemaster.

This is where Arnie comes in. See, since he went and had a secret love-child with a maid, he’s exactly the kind of actor that needs his career reviving with a curve ball penned by Tarantino.

With a Nazish accent, some dialogue that would be appalling and poor taste in anyone else’s hands, Arnold would be a brilliant sadistic slave-driver.

Elsewhere, Jamie Foxx strongly rumoured to be appearing in the movie’s title role in the movie while, sadly, everyone else is making eyes at Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of the evil plantation owner.

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Courtney Love isn’t someone you’d trust to look after themselves would you? If you were a pal of hers (surely she has some friends), you’d worry if she planned to cross the street by herself. She certainly can’t be trusted to not tweet harrowing naked self-shots to the world.

Alas, her entire value on the celebrity circuit seems to be that of irritating estate of Kurt Cobain’s cadaver and general gossip about who she’s had sex with, and general tragic trainwreck.

All this combined, it isn’t surprising that she’s injured herself while setting her New York home on fire, which can’t be the first time its happened because her face suggests that she’s been stood near too many naked flames, leaving her rubbery faced warped like a figure of Adam of Eternia under a magnifying glass.

Firefighters were called to the former Hole after they received notification that her West Village home was ablaze. Apparently, three of the firemen broke down in tears when they found Love, with one of them suggesting they’d have to identify her by dental records.

The fire crew fainted in astonishment when the corpse kicked into yet another anecdote about Nirvana and Cobain being legendary in the sack. It was then they all realised that Love had actually chosen to look a withered turnip.

So what caused the fire? It appears that the fire was started by stupidity. It would seem that Courtney left a candle next to some billowing curtains in Love’s bedroom. We shudder to think what she had planned which would require the singer to light some candles in the boudoir.

Either way, any lusty yearnings were soon scotched as the curtains went up in flames, seeing Love trying to put them out herself, injuring her horribly distorted body in the process.

What have we learned? Well, hecklerspray‘s safety message is as follows: Don’t leave naked flames unattended near flammable objects and absolutely don’t, under any circumstances, go to Courtney Love’s house. Ever. Ever ever ever.

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When Quentin Tarantino makes a movie, it is always interesting to see who he’ll cast. He plunders old b-movie actors and the like, putting them up against proper A-listers. He also clearly gets aroused over Uma Thurman’s massive feet, but that’s another story.

While we can’t guess where he’ll go for his cult actors, it appears that the big name attached to his new slavesploitation flick, Django Unchained, is the one and only Leonardo DiCaprio who weirdly can’t act and isn’t that good-looking anymore, but still seems to get gigantic roles.

Sadly, one name that has dropped out of the race is Will Smith who isn’t so keen on playing the title role of slave Django. Shame. It would’ve been interesting to see how the two would have worked together, so we guess we’ll just have to wait and see which action movie Smith with gurn in next.

Will Smith’s departure isn’t all bad though as Idris Elba is in the running and he’s excellent. Also being bandied about are the less excellent Jamie Foxx and Chris Tucker.

Anyway, we’re talking about pudding headed DiCaprio. So who will he be playing? Well, it seems that Leonardo’s character would be a “charming but ruthless” owner of club Candyland. Will DiCaprio be searching his soul and drawing on real-life experiences to drag out the performance of a lifetime?

He’ll be surrounded by female slaves who he uses as sex objects and surrounded by men who are forced to fight each other to the death. So you decided whether or not he’ll be drawing from personal experiences.

In other boring news, three-time Oscar-nommer Leonardo has quite a few dull films in the pipeline, set to star in in ‘J. Edgar’ as J. Edgar and he’s also going to star in ‘The Great Gatsby’.

The thought of him surrounded by ultra-violence, sex and a great soundtrack is much more appealing AND it’ll enable us to finally see what the point of DiCaprio actually is.

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You gotta hand it to Courtney Love – she’s a real class act. Lately, she’s been a trainwreck superstar of twitter, slagging off her daughter, writing impenetrable garbled messages and leaking upsetting naked photos of herself while displaying the most unusual lips seen in Hollywood.

We’re talking about face-lips you disgusting perverts.

And now, after making an enemy of the surviving members of Nirvana, she’s now pointing at Kurt Cobain’s cadaver and slurring about what a large dong he possessed when he was a member of the living. That’s nice isn’t it? That’s exactly the kind of thing he would’ve wanted.

According to Courtney, Kurt was “fucking well hung”, which is either information we didn’t need or, entirely untrue.

Speaking in the new issue of GQ (who actually reads that?) Love responded to a question about whether actor Brad Pitt was a suitable chap to portray her dead-husband in a biopic:

“Kurt had more presence and more beauty than Brad Pitt. He was a leader, he was strong, in fact he was well fucking hung, if you really want to know.”

Wait a minute! Strong? This is the man not strong enough to keep living for his daughter, splattering the inside of his head all over his garage? A man who was ‘strong’ enough to be strung-out on smack for the last years of his life?

In other news, Love also talked about the rumour that Cobain was set to appear in Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction:

“You ever wonder why he thanked Quentin on the back of ‘In Utero’? Quentin asked him to play Eric Stoltz’s part in Pulp Fiction.”

Imagine that! Kurt Cobain playing a drug dealer in a film! Of course, Kurt would’ve been a terrible drug dealer as he would have hoovered them all up for himself while listening to The Vaselines over and over again, much to the chagrin of his neighbours, who would’ve blown his brains out for him.

Oh well. At least he left us some good records, even if he did accidentally make a star of one of the most hideous women in the celebsphere.

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Now that Lady GaGa’s second LP proper is coming out, it goes without saying that she’s going to be linked with just about everything on Earth by her publicists. The only thing she hasn’t been linked with, weirdly, is a judging job on the American X Factor, bearing in mind that every human on the planet has been linked with the job (including all of you idiots reading this now).

However, one vaguely interesting rumour floating around is that the singing shortstop has been linked to the world of film, and she’s been approached by director Quentin Tarantino.

Presumably, if this goes ahead, we’ll get to see GaGa swearing repeatedly and making obscure pop-cultural references in amongst huge volumes of bloodshed, which of course, will suit Lady GaGa down to the ground.

Quentin is, naturally, a big fan of GaGa. If you didn’t know, the singer used the Pussywagon from his movie Kill Bill in her promotional video for Telephone, which famously starred Beyonce’s breasts.

Gaga performed at the Cannes film festival and met up with Tarantino and hobnobbed with people like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie who will have no doubt tried to adopt the ‘Bad Romance’ singer.

A source dribbles:

“It’s no secret Quentin’s been eyeing up Gaga for a role in one of his up-and-coming films. And now they’re both in Cannes, he’s keen to show off his movie star credentials.

“Tarantino knows Gaga’s a big fan of Brangelina. When she heard they were both in Cannes, too, she mentioned that she’d love to have them come and watch the show. So Quentin gave his pal Brad a bell to ask the couple to join them.”

“As one fiery woman to another, Gaga’s always been really into Ange and she thinks the glamorous location of Cannes is just the place for them to get pally.”

At least she’s not going to remake The Bodyguard like Rihanna is supposed to be doing.

BLECCH.

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Uma Thurman is smokin’ hot isn’t she? Wait! No she isn’t! Yes she is! Oh, we wish her face would make our minds up! In fact, we wish Uma Thurman’s face would make it’s mind up. For now, we’re going with ‘hot’.

Anyway, let us not objectify wimminfolk too much. We like Uma for her acting ability right? Even when she’s in absolute crud, she’s still kinda great!

However, she’s at her best when she’s working with Quentin Tarantino and the rumour mill kicks off again as the actress starts dropping hints about a western.

While Uma has being doing the rounds for a flick called Ceremony, she started dropping clues about the new Tarantino movie.

“I think he has a script ready to start of a new film, a ‘Southern’, I think it’s really exciting. It’s another new story and a fresh piece of material that he is channelling at the moment. So I think Kill Bill lives down the road.”

So ‘Southern’ could mean a Raising Arizon hickflick or a Spaghetti Western, right?

It looks more likely to be the latter as Tarantino has already spoken about his new film after finishing the first draft of the script.

He said that he’d like to make a movie about:

“America’s horrible past with slavery and stuff but do them like spaghetti westerns”.

So there you have it. Deadwood muthafuckers.

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You can say a lot of things about Quentin Tarantino – mainly about his great big stupid chin if you like – but don’t say he never learns.

Remember Valkerie, the movie where Tom Cruise tries to kill Hitler but bollocks it all up? Not a great big hit at the weekend box office. But Inglourious Basterds, the movie where Brad Pitt tries to kill Hitler and then does, is a super duper number one hit at the weekend box office.

Or maybe it’s because everyone really wanted to see what Eli Roth is like as an actor. No? No, we didn’t think so either.

Inglourious Basterds is the new number one movie at the weekend box office, and presumably that’s because it contains a perfect storm of ingredients – Brad Pitt’s box office pull, Quentin Tarantino’s visual flair, the average hecklerspray commenter’s gross inability to spell two simple words correctly and utter, utter mind-bending boredom. Yes, that’s probably it. Anyway, here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Inglourious Basterds (Wow, it looks like deliberate misspelling is the hot new craze at the moment. Let’s try it – Inglourious Basterds iz a pyle off furkken shet. Hey, it’s fun!) $32,602.000

2 - District 9 (Peter Jackson had a hand in producing this. It’s hard to tell though, because nobody who’s seen it has lapsed into a tedium-induced coma three and a half hours into it yet) $18,900,000

3 - GI Joe: Rise Of Cobra (Again, we really must state that – despite the suggestive title - GI Joe: Rise Of Cobra isn’t a porn movie. Sienna Miller doesn’t make porn movies. She probably will in a few years to fund the drug addiction she’ll develop when she realises that starring in a hokey second-rate action film about some toys is as good as her career will ever get, but she doesn’t yet) $12,500,000

4 - The Time Traveler’s Wife (Soon to be made into a TV show, if reports are to be believed. Presumably it’ll be just like Quantum Leap, only for shitheads) $10,025,000

5 - Julie & Julia (You know what’d be funny? If Julie & Julia starred Julie Andrews and Julia Roberts. Or Julie Martin from Neighbours in the mid-1990s and the Beatles song Julia. Or bloody something) $9,000,000

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Last night American Idol sang songs from the movies – specifically the movies with dreadful power ballads in them.

Honestly American Idol, Songs From The Movies? Be more broad next time, we dare you. Why not have a Songs That Exist night? Or, if you feel that’s too constricting for your audience, why not have an Arbitrarily-Chosen Ambient Sounds night? Would you watch Lil Rounds give a heartbreaking performance of Dot Matrix Printer Paper Jam? Because we bloody would.

Anyway, because last night’s American Idol was about films, the show booked Quentin Tarantino to be the guest mentor. Which was weird.

American Idol is one of the biggest shows in history because it understands. It understands that, with Blindy being eliminated last week, the roster of inexplicably bad American Idol contestants is drying up. And without anyone to laugh at, American Idol becomes the worst thing it could possibly be – sincere.

But as we said, American Idol understands this and took two genius measures last night to stop this from happening. These were:

1 – Only letting Simon Cowell comment on about 50% of the performances, much to his obvious chagrin, and

2 – Bringing in Quentin Tarantino to be the contestants’ mentor as a way of promoting his new film, even though he has no obvious musical ability and his new film has the words ‘bastards’ in the title so nobody on American Idol could specifically refer to it by name.

But still, with Quentin Tarantino as the mentor on Movie Night, maybe he’d help to choose some typically idiosyncratic song choices. Perhaps Stuck In The Middle With You, or Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood, or The Love You Save (May Be Your Own) by Joe Tex. But, no, that didn’t happen either. Instead we basically got smacked over the head with a lot of genuinely bad power ballads. Most of which seemed to have been recorded by Bryan Adams, depressingly.

But despite all this obvious nonsense, what were the American Idol performances actually like? Drearily standard, to be honest. Lil Rounds wasn’t as good as people expected her to be, Danny Gokey cried because he’s got a dead wife, Anoop Desai pulled a face that was a little bit ‘stalker’ and a little bit ‘rapist’ during Everything I Do (I Do It For You) and Adam Lambert magically transformed Paula Abdul into the world’s worst Yoda impressionist. Exactly what we’d expect at this point in the competition.

So with that in mind, who’ll be chucked out of American Idol tonight? On the basis of last night’s show, Lil Rounds. But who knows? All we can say about the American Idol results show with any certainty is that it’ll have about 15 pointless performances by people we don’t like in it, it’ll go on for roughly nine days longer than anybody really wants it to and we’ll seriously consider impaling a giant metal spike through our eyes and face about 15 minutes in. So, you know, nothing new.

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Mike Myers has gone from a childhood hero of hecklerspray to being one of the worst ‘comedians’ on this planet we call Earth.

So what does any actor do when they realise their popularity is at an all-time low – even lower than it was when nobody even knew who Mike Myers was? That’s right – they sign up for a role in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Works every time.

So it comes as no surprise that Wayne Campbell has joined the increasing ranks for Tarantino’s newest hype-machine, Inglorious Bastards. It’s a war film and it’s by Quentin Tarantino, so expect it to be quite insane and bring about countless complaints from idiots, while other idiots just talk as if it’s the greatest film that’s ever happened.

When it’s clear to anyone with sense that it isn’t offensive, it is good, but it isn’t the second coming.

It’s the Tarantino formula.

It’s clearly something that Mike Myers has looked in to, as he has opted to try and save his flagging reputation by signing on to Bastards. The Canadian who seems to think he is British will play General Ed Fenech, “a military mastermind who takes part in hatching a plot to wipe out Nazi leaders,” apparently. Reports that Myers will adopt his utterly hilarious Scottish accent for the part are said to be ‘unfounded as of right now, but he probably will as it’s the only accent he’s done for the last fifteen years’.

Mikey boy will be joined by cast members such as Brad Pitt, Eli Roth and B.J. Novak on the film, though we aren’t too sure who that last one is (a quick check on IMDB shows he’s one of that lot from the American version of The Office, so… err… fair enough). The film was supposedly to have Simon Pegg attached too, but scheduling difficulties got in the way, meaning the one with the tiny ears is just going to go and do another film with Nick Frost.

Not that we’re complaining, of course. They’re actually funny. Unlike Mike Myers.

Inglorious Bastards is a Tarantino remake of Inglorious Bastards, which was a remake of The Dirty Dozen. Confused? Well it has Mike Myers in it now, so it’s unlikely to get any less confusing. Prisoners escape, French underground, difficult mission – that’s about it. Expect kitsch references, a soundtrack that will be all over the radio for years to come and the semi-revival of some careers to come from it, as is always the case with Quentin Tarantino movies.

Rather than casting Myers as the hero of the piece, some sense has fortunately been seen, and his role is thankfully just a small one. Surely not big enough for him to ruin proceedings, but at the same time probably the right size for some of his reputation to be restored.

Until he brings out Austin Powers 4, which will involve the same joke being made repeatedly for two hours, and ruins himself forever.

It’s the Myers formula.