Lights on, lights off.

Folded:

• Our redesign (radical)
• This clip of upcoming car wank-fest Fast and Furious (‘cos it’s, like, mental)
• Quantum of Solace on DVD (give it another chance. It’s short)
• Surrendering to Twitter (even dead people are using it now)
• Watchmen: The End is Nigh (simple Streets of Rage/Final Fight style fun)

Creased:

• Our redesign (er, radical)
• 1408 (this film is worse than scalding yourself. John Cusack though, as good as ever)
• Dancing on Ice (it’s finished, it’s done, let’s never talk about it again)
• Rip-off squirrel crisps (no actual squirrel, not actually interested)
• People who model their own clothes on eBay (yeah, it looks crap on you so I’m likely to buy it, aren’t I?)

But you know what ruined Quantum Of Solace for other people? All the technical and factual mistakes that were littered throughout the film. In fact, movie mistake spotter Jon Sandys has listed all the mistakes in Quantum Of Solace and emailed them to us. So, after the jump, our favourite of the 24 Quantum Of Solace mistakes.

By which we were obviously referring to the 24 individual mistakes that can be found in Quantum Of Solace. Not the one big mistake where everyone working on Quantum Of Solace seemed to think they were making an episode of 24. Although that should be one of them. OK, there are 25 mistakes.

It doesn’t matter that Quantum Of Solace was so pointlessly action-packed that it was a giant urinating robot away from being Transformers. It doesn’t matter that the Bond baddie was just a bloke with a pond. It doesn’t even matter that halfway through it we started to bewilderingly get nostalgic about invisible cars, because Quantum Of Solace is a box office sensation.

And, never ones to muddle with a successful formula, that means that producers will continue making James Bond more and more thuggishly aggressive while the movie titles get more and more pretentious until, in 2013, we’ll be presented with a 007 movie called Polyodontidae Of Thalassography that consists of nothing but two hours of Daniel Craig kicking a burning toddler in the testicles.

So, as you may have guessed, Quantum Of Solace isn’t a perfect movie. But we hadn’t realised how imperfect it was. Luckily Jon Sandys of Moviemistakes.com has gone through Quantum Of Solace in forensic detail and has picked out all 24 mistakes found in the film. These mistakes include:

*At the end of “Casino Royale,” Bond is wearing a three-piece suit. Although “Quantum of Solace” begins just minutes later, Bond is wearing a completely different, two-piece, suit.

*When Bond is changing his clothes in the bathroom, he puts them in the sink where there is a movement sensor, which should have made the water turn on and soak all the clothes in the sink.

*In the opening car chase, Bond’s Aston Martin switches from silver to black.

*When Agent Fields meets Bond & Mathis at the airport in La Paz, Bolivia, she claims to be from the Consulate. As a capital city La Paz actually has an Embassy, whereas Consulates are generally found in secondary cities.

*In the opening car chase, the Aston Martin and Alfa Romeo go round a pack of cars stuck in traffic. When the policeman uses his radio, you can see a blue Vauxhall Corsa in the background. You can see the badge on it and it is actually a Vauxhall Corsa with Italian number-plates, which is incorrect as Vauxhall cars are branded as Opel in continental Europe.

*During the airborne chase, to escape certain demise in the canyon, Bond applied full power to both engines using the prop control levers (blue) and not the throttle set on the left of central quadrant.

In retrospect, we can see that Sandys has a point – the real reason we didn’t like Quantum Of Solace is because there aren’t even any Vauxhall Corsas in Italy. Stupid film.

Although a majestically pedantic and entertaining read, the Quantum Of Solace list isn’t exhaustive by any means. Here are a few that were omitted from the big Moviemistakes list:

*In one scene, James Bond can be seen wearing a cardigan. This is a mistake for about a million reason.

*The bit where the baddie lived in a hollowed-out volcano, killed people by dropping them into a shark tank  or was actually genuinely menacing had been completely edited out, rendering the movie largely unintelligible.

*There was a slight factual error at the start of the movie. The title of the film was displayed as Quantum Of Solace, instead of the more factually-correct title – The Bourne Ultimatum.

Read more:

Quantum Of Solace Mistake – Moviemistakes

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Quantum Of Solace isn’t just the number one movie at the weekend box office this week. In fact, Quantum Of Solace is the biggest James Bond movie ever to open at the US weekend box office, taking $70 million in the process. And that proves one thing about Quantum Of Solace above anything else – people really, really like the Bourne movies.

But, hey, Quantum Of Solace features a James Bond who’s dispensed with the wit, style and panache that we’re used to seeing to become a scowling robot whose job mainly seems to involve driving speedboats through explosions and punching Frenchmen. And that’s popular in America. Who knew?

So Quantum Of Solace is the number one movie at the weekend box office. That’s not a surprise – it was just about the only movie opening this weekend, and people don’t hate themselves enough to go and see Saw V again – but was is a surprise is how Quantum Of Solace was released.

Aside from maybe Japan, America was the last country to see Quantum Of Solace. It’s been out in the rest of the world for weeks. And given its huge weekend box office opening, maybe other movies will start to follow this formula too. Oh, OK, this is just wishful thinking on our part – we want to see the Jennifer Aniston movie about the funny dog before anyone else, that’s all. But can you blame us? It’s a funny dog! Ha ha! Dogs are funny. Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 - Quantum Of Solace (You know what offended us most about Quantum Of Solace? Not the unrecognisable James Bond. Not the lack of witty dialogue. Not the rubbish baddie. What offended us most was the lack of staggeringly obvious product placement in it. Come on, this is James Bond movie – there are supposed to be 400 close-ups of every single product Sony has ever made flashing up every couple of seconds. Haven’t any of these people watched Die Another Day?) $70,400,000

2 - Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (As well as being a successful animated movie, Escape 2 Africa is also the name of the secret operation that Zahara Jolie-Pitt and Madonna’s adopted son plan to put into action on the day of their respective 16th birthdays) $36,130,000

3 - Role Models (A film where some children look to Seann William Scott as a role model and end up spelling their names in annoyingly eccentric ways and starring in rubbishy, quickly-forgotten sci-fi comedy movies starring David Duchovny) $11,710,000

4 - High School Musical 3 (See, naked Cheetah Girl? All this could be yours if only you decide to stop being such a weed and sanction the release of those photos of you with your arse out) $5,879,000

5 - Changeling (Proof that Angelina Jolie hates you: last week she announced that she was quitting acting when,  as we all know, the world would be a much better place if she decided it about a year ago before she decided to make Changeling) $4,247,000

Read more:

Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

Not any more, though. Daniel Craig is James Bond now, so that means that when you watch a James Bond film you’re essentially getting whatever happened in the last Bourne movie, but without any of the interesting bits about amnesia.

And this has upset Roger Moore. Moore says he’s saddened by all the flashy violence in the new Daniel Craig James Bond movies, and he wishes that 007 films could be more like the ones he made. The thing is, he’s got a point – we know we’d have enjoyed Quantum Of Solace quite a lot more if all the parkour scenes starred a wheezy old man in a corset who looks like he smells of urine-soaked leather instead of Daniel Craig.

Everyone has their favourite Bond. Purists like Sean Connery, discerning connoisseurs like George Lazenby, ironic students like Roger Moore, idiots like Timothy Dalton, people with weird preoccupations with space lasers like Pierce Brosnan and lonely single female office temps like Daniel Craig.

With each new James Bond comes a new reflection of the times. And, if you’ve seen Quantum Of Solace, you’ll know that the times we’re in now require a mute cardigan-wearing nightclub bouncer who smacks people in the face a lot and never ever tells any jokes ever.

Honestly, Quantum Of Solace is so brainlessly devoid of wit or substance that it’s just one giant Ebonics-speaking robot away from being a Michael Bay movie. In Quantum Of Solace, James Bond isn’t the stylishly bulletproof playboy that he’s supposed to be; he’s a squat thug who grunts a lot and – this is heartbreaking – doesn’t get to have sex with one of the Bond girls because she tells him that his mind is like a prison cell. He doesn’t even try to rape her. It’s such a letdown.

And we’re not the only ones disappointed by the new James Bond. The old James Bond is equally disappointed. Although he initially stuck up for Daniel Craig after his appointment as 007, Roger Moore has now decided that there’s too much bang bang and not enough kiss kiss in films like Quantum Of Solace. Reuters reports:

“I am happy to have done it, but I’m sad that it has turned so violent,” Moore said before “Quantum of Solace,” starring Daniel Craig as a darker Agent 007, opens in North America on Friday. “That’s keeping up with the times, it’s what cinema-goers seem to want and it’s proved by the box-office figures.”

Although Roger Moore does have a point – Quantum Of Solace would have been slightly more bearable if James Bond managed to crack a smile for even a second during it – we could all do well to remember that Roger Moore is an 81-year-old man and therefore automatically hates violence. Give him a week or two and we wouldn’t be surprised if he also starts complaining about how young policemen look and those fiddly new 5p coins.

And, who knows, maybe in 30 years’ time Daniel Craig will also complain about how violent James Bond has got. Admittedly for 007 movies to get any more violent than they already are, the next James Bond will need to be a cyborg with chainsaws for arms and a flamethrower rectum, but let’s not rule that out right now.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

It’s a tough job – because, as we all know, films don’t get any better than overlong Bourne rip-offs about a man who cries blood when he’s losing at cards – and it seems like it might have been too much of a tough job for Quantum Of Solace.

Early reviews for Quantum of Solace are starting to trickle in, and they’re all fairly scathing. But James Bond movies always tend to be a direct reaction against the previous one, so we can all relax. The follow-up to the emotionally bleak Quantum Of Solace – provisionally entitled Daniel Craig Punches A Laser-Shark In His Little Knickers – is sure to be a belter.

The omens for Quantum Of Solace weren’t great from the outset. Following a success as big as Casino Royale was always going to be tough, but following it with a movie with the world’s worst name directed by a man whose last film was about kites, written by a bald Scientologist, featuring a theme-tune that sounds like an angry wasp smacking against the inside of an upturned metal dustbin and starring a 12-fingered woman doing an impression of a Torrey Canyon gannet probably wasn’t going to help very much either, to be honest.

Having said that, though, nobody thought that Casino Royale was going to be any good either, so maybe Quantum Of Solace could pull off the impossible and end up halfway decent too, couldn’t it?

Well, no. Not if the early stream of Quantum Of Solace reviews are anything to go by. Here’s the best of what we’ve seen so far…

Kim Newman from Empire says that “while it’s exciting, it’s not exactly anyone’s idea of fun. To keep in the game, perhaps the next movie could let the hero enjoy himself a bit more.”

Richard Brookes from The Times was especially unimpressed. “Bond is a boorish oaf who simply rushes from country to country with the manic speed of Jason Bourne, including sequences shot in Panama, Chile, Italy, Mexico and Austria, in a plot about holding a country to ransom over its water supply. Quantum of Solace lacks any wit, ironic or otherwise, which has been a strength of so many 007 films.”

The Guardian’s Peter Bradshaw claims “I was disappointed there was so little dialogue, flirtation and characterisation in this Bond: Forster and his writers Paul Haggis, Neal Purvis and Robert Wade clearly thought this sort of sissy nonsense has to be cut out in favour of explosions… I was also baffled that relatively little was made of the deliciously villainous Amalric: especially the final encounter.”

The Mirror’s Dave Edwards thinks that Quantum Of Solace “doesn’t feel like a Bond film at all. Not once does Craig say: ‘The name’s Bond. James Bond.’ There’s no Q or his gadgets. Heck, we even see Bond in a cardigan.”

A cardigan? Well eff that. Anyway, it was always fairly obvious that Quantum Of Solace wasn’t going to be particularly amazing, because of the well-worn ‘one good, one bad’ James Bond formula. Casino Royale was good, so Quantum Of Solace has to be bad. Then the movie after Quantum Of Solace will be good, and the one after that will be about a man with a dream machine trying to saw the world in half with a space laser that only an invisible car can stop. That’s just how it works. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Anyway, just because the Quantum Of Solace reviews are bad, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun watching it. Why not do what we plan to do – every time you see a piece of jarring product placement in Quantum Of Solace, shout the name of the offending brand as loudly as possible. You’ll be thrown out by the twelfth “SONY!”, promise.

Daniel Craig isn’t exactly renowned for his song and dance demeanour. He’s a serious actor and questions about his teeny shorts in Casino Royale or why he wore a lifejacket to avoid drowning three years ago are bound to annoy him.

Plus if he decided to chase us over a building site we’d make it about as far as the Portakabin before going into cardiac arrest. We’re gonna just stick to the new movie instead.

In most Bond films the girls either end up dead or bedded, or bedded then dead, or dead then bedded (Roge had terrible eyesight). Either that or they have eight vaginas like that lady in Octopussy and run a lesbian circus. So how have times changed? We’ll tell you how times have changed – the girls swear now. Swear, dammit!

“I think Bond is as misogynistic as he always was. But the difference is that we try to cast great actresses playing strong women who, if he misbehaves, will tell him to f**k off” commented Craig recently.

They’re not going to say that in the film of course. No Slovakian swearwords, but plenty of Craig grimacing like he’s just seen his STI results and killing people with whatever object Jason Bourne didn’t use.

This is new Bond; he’s canned the silly jokes and wants women to hate him as much as he does. Not too hard really, being as banging the world’s most visible spy invariably means being killed – by a bullet, Dobermans, or, if they’re really unlucky, Castrol GTX.

Craig knows times have changed however, so even if these new Bond girls are going to die, they are going give him some stick first.

“Instead of it being a giggling girl in a bikini – and there’s nothing wrong with giggling girls in bikinis, sometimes it’s quite nice – there are women who challenge him.“

Quantum of Solace features two new Bond ladies who look quite similar (in that they’re both not blondes), Olga Kurylenko as Camille and Gemma Arterton as Agent Fields.

Disappointingly their character names give little ammunition for sexist jibes, unless Bond tries a “ploughing the fields” gag, which is unlikely as laughs are banned in the cinema this time around. The only laugh you’re going to hear is when you hand over twenty quid at the concessions counter and expect some change.

For all those who have just re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, Quantum of Solace opens nationwide on 31st October. That is a whole two weeks before the Americans get it. Don’t gloat however; they’ve got an upcoming presidential election to get us back with first.

But that’s obviously not the case at all – it turns out that the creepiest thing about Quantum Of Solace is that Bond girl Gemma Arterton was born with six fingers on each hand, but presumably had the extra ones snipped off when she was a baby.

It’s a bit grim, but we love the fact that Gemma Arterton chose to reveal her genetic disfigurement as a way of promoting Quantum Of Solace. We sorely hope this marketing technique catches on, because we’d definitely go and see the new Harry Potter movie if Ron Weasley suddenly decides to tell everyone that he’s got 15 testicles and unusually long forearms.

So now we know why Gemma Arterton gets covered in oil during the new James Bond movie Quantum Of Solace – it’s because people are preparing to burn her like a bloody witch.

And quite right, too, because Gemma Arterton was born with an extra finger on each hand, which is definitely the sign or either a witch or a fairly accomplished recorder player. Gemma  – the Bond girl who’s less into S&M than the other one – inexplicably decided to reveal this weird deformity secret during an interview with Esquire. The Telegraph reports:

Arterton, 22, still has small lumps on the side of her hands following the childhood procedures to have the extra digits removed. The fingers were “tied”, causing them to fall off naturally. “It’s my little oddity that I’m really proud of,” she told Esquire magazine. “It makes me different.”

Actually, we shouldn’t mock Gemma Arterton for this – it was honestly very brave of her to come out and reveal this 12-fingered secret right before the biggest movie role of her life. And so, in honour of Gemma Arterton’s courage in the face of infant deformity, hecklerspray would like to present you all with a list of what all the Bond movies would have been called if Gemma Arterton had starred in them. Ready?

Dr No Gloves Fit Me

From Russia With Specially Modified Gloves

Deformed Superfluous Goldfinger

This Bowling Thunderball Has An Unusually Large Amount Of Holes In It

You Only Freak People Out By Shaking Their Hands Twice

On Her Majesty’s Secret, Impressively Intricate Shadow Puppet Service

Diamonds Are Forever, Not Like These Gruesome Nubby Lumps On The Side Of My Hands

Live And Let Die, Witch, Die

The Man With The Golden Gun Isn’t Letting You Anywhere Near His Gun, Deformo

The Spy Who Wanked Me Off With Surprising Efficiency

Spoonbreaker

For Your Eyes Only… Behold, The Creepy Shrine I’ve Constructed For My Guillotined Extra Fingers

Dodecagonpussy

A View To A… Oh Jesus, What’s Wrong With Your Hand?

Your Weird Hands Scare The Living Daylights Out Of Me

Licence To Play The Piano Better Than You

GoldenEye, SilverNose, FreakyMaggotHands

Tomorrow Never Dies, Unlike Your Spiritual Ancestor Jeremy Beadle

The World Is Not Enough, But 10 Fingers Are Thanks

Count To 12 Faster Than Anyone Else Another Day

Casi.. No, Your Hands!! Urgh! Royale

Acorn Of Bum

You’re welcome.

For instance, we already know that the Quantum Of Solace theme-tune sounds a bit like a wasp farting through a megaphone, and that Quantum Of Solace has a trailer that’s basically kangaroo boxing for the A.D.D set, but what about the biggest spoiler of all – what will the initial Bond girl get covered with and die this time?

And now we know. Thanks to this exclusive photo from The Mail On Sunday, we can conclusively state that Gemma Arterton, the Bond girl from the first part of Quantum Of Solace, dies because she gets covered in oil.

Ah, you see – it’s a visual nod to the iconic moment in Goldfinger when Jill Masterson gets covered in gold and dies. Because, obviously, back in the 1960s gold was one of the world’s most valuable resources whereas now it’s oil. Personally we can’t wait until the great food shortage of 2034, when we’ll get to see a Bond girl die because she’s covered in bacon and Chunky Kit-Kats.

Anyway, what other spoilers can we glean from this picture? We’ve had some ideas:

1 - Quantum Of Solace revolves around the tragic moment when a leaking tanker mistakes Gemma Arterton with a gannet.

2 - The baddie in Quantum Of Solace is an out-of-control ice cream man and, after he covers Arterton in chocolate sauce, his next victims are in turn suffocated with hundreds and thousands and battered over the head with a Mivvi.

3 - That’s actually not oil or chocolate sauce, but Gemma Arterton has simply been blacked up and actually Quantum Of Solace is quite racist.

Whichever one happens to be true, it’s good to see that the Daniel Craig Bond films are just as bravely forward-looking as they promised. Ahem.

Read more:

The Bond Homage - Mail

We’re not, but that’s because we’ve seen the new trailer for Quantum Of Solace and therefore have worked out every single moment of the movie from beginning to end with an almost perfect accuracy rate. Want us to talk you through it? Good. Here’s what we know for a fact:

*Quantum Of Solace is about James Bond violently getting revenge for a chair he bought that was quite squeaky.

*Apparently the baddies in the film are trading in ‘the world’s most precious resource’ which, as we all know, is Dairylea Dunkers. Quantum Of Solace is definitely about Dairylea Dunkers.

*Due to the credit crunch, no action sequence in Quantum Of Solace will last for more than quarter of a second, with each one fading to black because that just makes it seem more dramatic and stuff.

*At one point, James Bond asks George Lucas for help.

*Aside from these things, Quantum Of Solace will be exactly the same as Casino Royale and probably a bit disappointing.

Not content with ruining the dreams and emotions of a billion little kids and a lot of adults who probably should know better, Daniel Radcliffe and company’s decision to move the new Harry Potter film to next summer has prompted Sony to push the upcoming James Bond flick – the one with the funny name – back.

Alright, so it’s only a week, with the film being pushed from November 7th to the 14th, but still – come on. Give us a break here.

The reason for the move was given as a simple one: ‘we want more money’. Technically not what they actually said, but ‘moving it closer to the Thanksgiving/Christmas market’ is pretty transparent when it comes to reasoning.

While we do wish we could live in a world where money wasn’t such a driving factor, where advertising wasn’t so rampantly killing off the reputations of entertainers and where focus groups didn’t decide what we could watch and when… well, we don’t. Which means you have to wait an extra week to see Quantum of Solace in the US.

We don’t, mind, as we’re in Britain. We still get the thing on October 31st, which makes us a great deal better than you, our wonderful trans-Atlantic chums. In your face! It also shows that the film isn’t being pushed back because of any kind of curse that may be going around, which is nice.

Speaking to Variety, the Sony chairman of something and something else blah distribution world said:

“We believe Nov. 14 is a great date that allows us to play straight through Thanksgiving and right into Christmas. We believe this decision will give the public a wider opportunity to see the film over the holiday.”

Like we said – it’s pretty transparent in the reasoning, but they still try and hide the fact that the decision was made for more delicious, life-giving money. Instead, it’s put as being for your benefit. Bless them – they really do care about you*.

Nevertheless, the wait for Jimmy Bond’s latest outing is sure to be worth it, with the trailer making it out to be one long fight. We’re not complaining – two hours of brawling is something hecklerspray would pay good money to see, along with paying $250 for other activities.

To make the wait that little bit easier, check out the official song to Quantum of Solace – far better than this poorly-thought-out effort by two relative unknowns – as provided by the world-renowned composer Joe Cornish**:

It certainly works better than the original teaser.

*They don’t care about you.

** This is all a lie. It is not the official song. He is a British comedian.

Folded:

• Big name celebrities on meth! (check ‘em out!)
• Conan the Barbarian Special Edition on DVD for £3 (totally worth it for Arnie’s commentary: “How did I get billing over James Earl Jones?”)
• Those loveable brothel ladies from the W.I (they did have fun with the working girls in Nevada, didn’t they? Pity journalist Nicky Taylor had to stay in England mopping up jizz)
• Joe Cornish’s Quantum of Solace theme song (why aren’t Adam and Joe on TV much anymore? It’s all wrong)
• Dizzee Rascal looking all of fourteen in his Dance Wiv Me video (with Calvin Harris at the uni bar refusing to serve him drinks. Cute)

Creased:

• Customer service in the UK (things happen; busses are late, trains break down, but would it kill someone to say ‘sorry’ just once?)
• Gabriella Cilmi, DOB: 10/10/91 (watch her Sweet About Me video and you’ll curse the day you were born – in other words you’ll wish it was about ten years later)
• The taxi meter (marvellous invention that never charges the same amount twice; not even for exactly the same distance at exactly the same time of day)
• Natty (no fucking idea who this fella is, we’re just sick of seeing his infomercial advert)
• The X-Files: I Want To Believe (Chris Carter will make you change that sentiment)

How rubbish is that? We’d even written a demo called Quantum Of Solace in case we were asked – it goes “Hello there, I’m a quantum of solace/ I want to buy a blouse, can you direct me to Wallis?” – but no. You had to go and call the Quantum of Solace theme Another Way To Die, didn’t you.

Also, the Quantum of Solace theme tune is going to be a duet between Alicia Keys and Jack White from The White Stripes, so it’s bound to sound like an angry little witch trapped in an upturned metal dustbin. And Alicia Keys, naturally. Just so you know.

With new James Bond film Quantum of Solace set for release in a matter of months, there’s a bit of a rush on behind the scenes at the moment to make sure that it maintains the momentum started by Casino Royale two years ago.

Is it working? Not yet – the trailer for Quantum Of Solace is almost inexplicably bad, as if the producers just listlessly went down a checklist of hoary old James Bond imagery that needed to be included. And then there’s the movie’s title, which still seems like the worst combination of any three words in the English language.

But there’s always the new Bond theme. And, after Amy Winehouse dropped out of the running because she’s basically so effed on drugs that she can barely stand up, let alone think of a word that rhymes with ’solace’, it’s time to reveal the new performers. Reuters reports:

Alicia Keys and the White Stripes’ Jack White have recorded the theme song to “Quantum of Solace.” The song, “Another Way To Die,” is the first duet in Bond soundtrack history, the studio said in a statement. White wrote and produced the song, and also played drums. The soundtrack to the movie will be released October 28 by Keys’ J Records label.

A duet between Jack White and Alicia Keys? Doing a James Bond theme tune? We can’t say we saw that one coming. But is this new Quantum Of Solace theme tune going to be good or bad? Let’s weight up the pros and cons…

PROS:

*The White Stripes are quite good, as are all the songs where Alicia Keys sounds like she’s having an orgasm halfway through.

*The song that Jack White wrote for his Coca-Cola commercial was similarly quite good – maybe he thrives on these sort of commercial commissions.

*Jack White will play the drums on Another Way To Die, therefore Meg White isn’t playing drums on Another Way To Die, therefore it won’t just go ‘boom TISH boom TISH boom TISH boom TISH’ like a clockwork monkey and therefore it will be good.

*Even if the new Bond theme is a screaming atonal mess that makes blood squirt out of people’s ears it still won’t be anywhere near as bad as Chris Cornell’s Casino Royale theme tune.

CONS:

*Oh great, another James Bond song with the words ‘die’ and ‘another’ in it.

*Jack White is a big fan of the bagpipes, you know. Nobody wants a bagpipey Bond theme.

*Think of a worse combination of singers than Jack White and Alicia Keys. Cliff Richard and the lead singer from Anal Cunt. That’s literally the only one.

*If Another Way To Die features Alicia Keys, then the video is legally obligated to feature Keys arguing with her criminal boyfriend interspersed with shots of her playing piano in a snow-covered ampitheatre. That’s not very James Bondy, is it? Tsk.

*What does Another Way To Die even mean? Is the song basically going to be a list of unexpected ways that people can lose their lives? “Suffocate up a buffalo’s rectum/ Choke to death on Brian May’s plectrum/ That’s another way to diiiiiiiie!” That sort of thing? Actually, that’s quite ace. We’ve got this in the wrong column. We take it all back.

Well, get ready to find out. The first footage from Quantum Of Solace has appeared online, and it gives a dead-on indication of what the finished movie will be like – it'll be ten seconds long and mostly about James Bond trying to kick a man's jaw off.

OK, so the online footage of Quantum of Solace isn't particularly revelatory – in fact watching it feels a little bit like listening to a toddler's breathless description of a petrol station blowing up – but we do have the video after the jump, and it's not something that any ADD sufferers who haven't got bored of endless parkour scenes in movies yet will want to miss.

The new James Bond movie Quantum Of Solace has got a lot riding on it. After Casino Royale effectively reinvented James Bond by giving him blonde hair, making him waddle around in a pair of girl's bikini bottoms and ripping off The Bourne Identity at every possible turn, Quantum Of Solace will be where we see if the new formula works for more than one movie.

The movie's certainly had a difficult birth. If it wasn't bad enough that Quantum Of Solace has got such a bad title that it'd be less embarrassing to go to a cinema naked and quack like a duck for an hour than to actually ever use its full title, production has also been beset by everything from crazy South American mayors to nasty car crashes to Amy Winehouse's drug problems to – worst of all – rampant Pacino speculation.

But enough about that – what's Quantum Of Solace actually like? Well, now we know, thanks to a ten-second Quantum Of Solace teaser preview that's turned up online.

It's basically a compilation of all the action sequences from the movie slammed into a blip and presented to you in glorious jump jump run run stairs throw boat walk drive fall table kick stairs jump boat-style. Ready?

Seriously, how awesome does that look? What do you mean you don't know because it's just a mishmash of unconnected clips set to vaguely pounding music and you can make any film look good by doing that even The Love Guru? Honestly, there's no pleasing some people, is there?

Obviously there's a lot missing from the Quantum Of Solace teaser trailer – like the plot and all the interminable scenes of Daniel Craig staring moodily into space thinking "Hey, look how different I am to Pierce Brosnan" – but at least we know that at one point James Bond falls down an atrium attached to a piece of rope. At least we know that.

That’s because, just a few weeks after a crazy South American mayor drove his car through a set during filming in a vicious rage, a James Bond stuntman has accidentally plunged a £120,000 Aston Martin off a road into a massive Italian lake and knackered the bastard to pieces.

What’s more, it’s been reported that the Aston Martin was the only one available to the crew for the film. That leaves A Quantum Of Solace in a bit of a quandary – it could shell out for a new one at huge expense to the movie, or it could patch together a workaround. Which isn’t too bad, because frankly we’ve waited too long to see 007 bring down SPECTRE with a Segway, some rollerblades, an Oyster card and a hotwired forklift truck.

Remember when James Bond films were easy to make? Pierce Brosnan got through four of them without arsing it all up, and Roger Moore made his 600 or so James Bond movies without exerting any more energy than it took to change safari jackets or arch an eyebrow during a filthy pun.

But Daniel Craig? Since Daniel Craig’s been James Bond, hardly a day has passed without something blowing up or breaking down or making everyone involved in the production look like a hopeless bunch of cack-handed spaz-clowns. During Casino Royale, filming started without a proper Bond girl or baddie, then the set burnt down and Daniel Criag couldn’t even fight a midget without getting his teeth punched out.

And things aren’t much better on the new James Bond movie, either. For starters the movie has the worst title imaginable, plus filming keeps getting interrupted by mental South American public officials who seem to want to run James Bond over for all kinds of nondescript reasons. And now the only Aston Martin that A Quantum Of Solace had has skidded off a road into Italy’s Lake Garda, writing the thing off, as The Telegraph reports:

A stunt driver was on his way to deliver the £120,000 sportscar to the set of Quantum of Solace when he drove off a narrow bend in heavy rain, producers said. Italian television showed the car – reportedly the only one available for the film – being fished from the lake after the accident in the early hours of Saturday morning. Producers said the driver, who suffered only minor bruises, was quickly rescued by firemen and taken to hospital.

Although it’s fortunate that the driver wasn’t more seriously injured in the crash, the accident should be enough of a warning for everyone involved with James Bond to see that the whole franchise is cursed. Really, everyone should pack up and go home now before Daniel Craig’s head explodes or a monkey bites off one of Gemma Arterton’s feet or Judi Dench shits herself.

OK, we’re only saying that because we’re scared that the James Bond producers will pull the old ‘invisible car’ scam again now that their only Aston Martin’s been knackered, and frankly we’d rather watch two hours of baby torture than that. But the point still stands.

Read more:

James Bond’s Aston Martin crashes into lake – Telegraph

But Chilean mayors have it even better. Not only do they get the requisite bling/cake combo – we assume – but they also get to try and mow down iconic movie characters in their mayoral 4×4. On purpose.

Don't believe us? Then look at Carlos Lopez, mayor of Baquedano. He's been arrested for driving a car at James Bond star Daniel Craig during a scene as some form of protest. Lopez was either protesting about the heavy-handed nature of the Bond crew during filming or because he just thinks that A Quantum Of Solace is a really, really shitty name. Either way – mad props, you mental South American public official.

We're starting to think that Daniel Craig has a curse. For 44 years James Bond movies have tick-tocked by without any major incident, but as soon as Daniel Craig took over – whammo – everything falls to shit. People complained about Daniel Craig's blonde hair, his hatred of handguns, his inability to drive and his weird fondness for having his teeth smashed out by midgets. And that was just in Casino Royale.

It's eased off a bit for the new James Bond movie; now the only thing Daniel Craig has to worry about is the film's rubbish title - A Quantum Of Solace still sounds like the sort of over-pretentious cack that you only get from the top percentile of hopeless thesaurus addicts – and crazy South American mayors who try to run him over.

Filming for A Quantum Of Solace was disrupted earlier this week when Carlos Lopez, the mayor of Baquedano in Chile, stormed the set in his 4×4 during a scene and put his car between Daniel Craig and the camera. But don't worry – Carlos Lopez isn't crazy, he was just protesting about something, as The Independent reports:

"He got angry, entered into a private enclosure … caused public disorder and was detained," said a police official from Baquedano. "Now it is in the hands of the prosecutor." Mr Lopez is reported to have been angered by what he called an "excessive" police presence in the small town during filming, and the fact that Chilean soil was being used to represent neighbouring Bolivia… For a town that has just 1,000 residents, sending in special forces and water cannon, preventing people from walking in the street, reminded me of the worst of the Pinochet years."

So there you have it – conclusive proof that James Bond is basically General Pinochet in a pair of tiny blue speedos. And the consequences of this disruption are going to be huge for the local economy – chances are the 007 producers will look elsewhere next time they want to turn a town into a stereotypically dilapidated shanty town.

But if Carlos Lopez is right, then maybe his protest did have a point – all that disruption for a scene that'll probably just appear on screen for a few seconds seems a little bit heavy-handed. Although we still honestly believe that the reason for his protest was because Halle Berry wasn't included in the recent hecklerspray list of bad Bond girls.

If that's the case then it'll be the most preposterously extreme reaction to a hecklerspray article since The Great Haiku Syllable Skirmish Of November 2007. Well done, Carlos Lopez. You truly are the angry, confused mayor of our hearts.

Read more:

Irate Chilean mayor storms Bond set – Independent