Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
I swear Nicole Scherzinger has a near-perfect body. She’s slim, with a tight stomach, sexy legs, proportionate breasts and one hella-hot fuck-me face.
No, she’s not black. She’s a half Filipino half Hawaiian-Ukrainian beauty and the only one who could actually sing in the Pussycat Dolls. Which totally doesn’t mean anything at all because you’re just here for the nudes. I mean who the hell cares about her career and achievements, right?
These days, pop music tends to be a combination of ?generic lyrics, catchy hooks and scantily clad women that are too good looking to actually exist. There’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s for blasting out of car windows, not a philosophical debate about the state of the human psyche. Perfectly harmless. Unless you’re Robin Thicke, and your new single is accused of being ?a little ‘rapey.’ That’s generally a word to steer clear of.
Who is Nicole Scherzinger? The former frontwoman of popular?strippers singers The Pussycat Dolls? A mildly successful solo artist? A TV show judge? These are all appropriate answers. The most important thing one needs to know about Scherzinger is that she is a total nutcase.
I know a lot of celebrities like to reinvent themselves, but Nicole takes the fucking biscuit. I mean, she’s rarely the same person for more than a couple of months. Let’s take a look at the many faces of my favourite Michael Jackson impersonator.
In 2011, sportsmen are not paid to be interesting. They’re paid huge sums to perform like androids and churn out cliches about ‘the team’ while showing absolutely no excitement for the field in which they perform.
So in that case, Lewis Hamilton is the perfect modern sporting personality.
Like many others, this crashing dullery saw him bagging an attractive celebrity girlfriend. He somehow managed to snare Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger. Sadly for him, they broke up and now, instead of retaining a dignified silence, he’s showing vague personality by saying that he still loves her. Maybe he should’ve been a little more interesting while they were courting, huh? So has he been crying over journalists, begging for a reappraisal?
Steve Jones is so potent that he could get a homophobe’s trousers aroused. He could probably get a kitchen table pregnant. God. He’s just so sexual.
He’s so sexy that TV productions companies know it and that, because he’s got a relatively self-effacing sense of humour, you can say that people are having sex with him and he won’t mind.
And so, now that Nicole Scherzinger isn’t going out with Lewis Hamilton anymore (mainly because he’s about as thrilling as a wart being frozen off), the X Factor USA team have decided to press her groin against his and shout “YOU’RE TOTALLY GOING OUT NOW! WE ALL SAW YOU COPPING OFF WITH EACH OTHER!” Kim Kardashian is on hand to offer advice about shortlived, lucrative wedding deals no doubt.
Nicole Scherzinger not only has a surname that’s really annoying to type out because it’s both long and tricky, but she’s also determined to break poor little Lewis Hamilton’s 8 year old motor racing heart.
Why? She’s refusing to marry him. Refusing point blank and in public. What a nasty, nasty piece of work the X Factor USA judge is.
With the whole world willing the pair down the aisle with a collective unbridled love and devotion, dedicated to this truly magnificent celebrity pair (where would we be without their combined vrooming and skreeching noises?), they have thrown our feelings back in our faces, leaving us to cry into our steam-cleaned wedding hats.
hecklerspray readers will no doubt be familiar with articles where we pretend that we don’t know who someone is to massive comic effect that leaves you rolling around on the floor, convulsing in laughter, looking like a cross between an itchy dog and a shooting victim.
On this occasion however, it would be wrong of us to pretend that we haven’t heard of ultra-successful megastar Nicole Scherzinger.
How can we tell that Nicole is a massively successful megastar with more talent in her fingernails than we have in our collective editorial body? She’s the lead singer of a band so bland and uninteresting musically that most of their fanbase are too bored to crack one off over their videos. However, Nicole has come out of that group being the only person that anyone recognises or remembers.
Let us begin with a little anecdote. Someone close to hecklerspray used to go out with a chap in the armed forces many moons ago. They met a fella in the barracks who was shyly strumming away at his guitar. So shy was he, that she felt compelled to say “Hey! Don’t be shy!” and encouraged him to play further.
That man was, and still is, James Blunt. Of course, various hecklerspray writers have since beaten this girl to death while screaming ‘You’re Beautiful’ at her because, essentially, his whole career is her fault.
So when James Blunt isn’t being crass rhyming slang, stopping World War III (if you believe reports) and being irritatingly charming on chatshows, what’s he up to? Well, it mainly involves getting off with women and, on this occasion, someone from the Pussycat Dolls.
This just in: Kelly Osbourne can fit into fashion sample sizes and she has become as gleefully smug as she is thin.
Isn’t that just wonderful. The reality star, who lost an alarming amount of weight after being on Dancing With The Stars this year, has been on several shows talking about how she lost weight.
Mostly, Kelly credits not being a pig and lifting her buttocks off the sofa, one at a time, and working out for 30-minutes-per-day.
So, less pies. More butt lifting. Got that?
Kelly Osbourne first appeared on the radar as a kinda-chunky potty-mouthed brat with daft hair and a house covered in dog-shit. Then, she releases a couple of singles and does a duet with her dad.
Then she almost disappeared.
Well, it seems that, in the interim, she’s been losing weight and now she wants us all to see it as a picture of her looking svelte in a bra appeared on Twitter. That’s not really that newsworthy… but the fact she joined the Pussycat Dolls is so weird that we really ought to relay it to you all.
