Yeah, that sounds about right. Well now it would seem she’s got herself into MMA – that’s mixed martial arts – with some hardcore street fighting action. Well, hardcore may be a bit far, but Lily Allen did go and try to beat up a random French girl for insulting her.

And we shouldn’t forget that she also managed to swear like a navvie, and she managed to do all of this in front of about 32,000 paparazzi and other press hounds. Not a bad effort, we have to say. But to top off all the topping offs that could be topped off, there’s a video too – and it’s after the jump.

Yes, we thought we’d managed to get rid of her to our good friends in the US, but it would seem we’ve struck out in that respect and Lily remains firmly on British soil.

Exiting Ronnie Scott’s jazz club in London, Lily was apparently abused by a French passer-by, which caused her to react in a way befitting of any Brit taking issue with a Frenchie: through the art of violence.

Unfortunately, the battering took on something of a pathetic form and was easily upstaged by Allen’s hilarious foul mouth, which managed to put even the great swear-machine Brian Blessed to shame.

While it would appear Lily Allen isn’t taking her own advice, at least it looks like she is following through with her attempted crusade to rid the streets of violence. Though we didn’t expect her to get rid of it personally, nor did we expect her to get rid of violence with violence.

But we’re not questioning her logic – we don’t want to be battered, for one.

Rather than natter on any more, why don’t we just let you see for yourselves – here we have Lily Allen, attempting to punch a French girl, failing, swearing a lot and being calmed down by Miquita Oliver who used to be on Popworld.

It really does have it all – tension, violence, beauty, international appeal, a resolution and a lesson at the end of it all: “violence is bad.”

(Alright, so we’ll admit that video’s a bit rubbish, but it’s better than most of the other ones around and we couldn’t embed the one that The Sun has up – but hey, at least you can hear her swearing like a disgruntled navvie, eh?)

Ours included Maury Povich getting scientifically cross-bred with a shark.

But then the doctor came out and told us she wasn't dying, she just had lungs filled to the tippy top with crack cocaine and cigarette butts. Is that what the doctor said? Well, we don't actually remember as we were too relieved to pay attention.

But she eventually escaped that hospital and flew all the way to Glastonbury, where she put on a super-human performance complete with bass lines, drum beats, and several introductions between a fan and her angry fist.

She punched a guy for either touching her boob or her hair, depending on who you ask. We have video.

The nice thing about outdoor music festivals is standing two inches from a fat man's hairy back as it glistens just so under the one o'clock sun. Another nice thing about outdoor music festivals is you can go there to historically not listen to rap music, or listen to rap music a full day later than you'd originally intended.

And at Glastonbury if you pay the full admission price, you can get punched in the face by Amy Winehouse as many times as you'd like. The experience is reportedly a better souvenir than a concert T-shirt, and probably gives you the option to sue a rich celebrity, if that's what you're into.
The Daily News explains how great this could be:

"Before wrapping [her set] up, the singer launched into "Rehab" – and repeatedly punched an audience member in the front row while working the crowd. Winehouse kept singing while she threw her right hook, by the way."

Now that's showmanship! It reminds us slightly of the time we had to keep knitting a sweater while a hungry cougar clawed violently at our back. We don't remember why. The sweater got finished in decent time, but got some weird red stain all along its backside the first time we tried it on.

We think it was paint.

Anyway – would you like to see Winehouse pummel some guy? Well just you have at it then.

But 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery Because He Was Punched In The Face By A Child And His Lips Exploded' – now that's news. Fortunately, that seems to be the exact thing that happened to Michael Jackson recently. According to reports, the reason why Michael Jackson suddenly needed surgery on his face was because his five-year-old son Prince Michael II accidentally smacked him, causing his mouth to 'burst and collapse' in the style of a gruesome straight-to-DVD horror movie. Reports that Prince Michael II then went for a knife, wailing "And this is for You Rock My World" are as yet unconfirmed.

All being well, The Jackson Five will go on tour next year with Michael Jackson included in the line-up. Whether or not Michael Jackson will reprise his winning vocals on songs like ABC and I Want You Back or just stand in the shadows self-consciously jigging from side to side in silence because his face looks like it's been half-eaten by a hungry pig, though, will mostly be down to how much his plastic surgery has healed by then.

Earlier this week, newspapers and websites were full of pictures of Michael Jackson's horribly bandaged face, prompting speculation that he'd undergone even more plastic surgery. And if these new reports are correct, that's exactly what he's done. However, Michael Jackson didn't have plastic surgery on his mouth because of vanity or anything like that – Michael Jackson had plastic surgery on his face because he was beaten up by a tiny infant child.

Apparently Michael Jackson was playing around with his five-year-old son Prince Michael II when the boy walloped him him the mouth and burst his face wide open. Prince Michael II, of course, is the child that Michael Jackson once dangled from a balcony like a nimrod, but it's not known if the boy slammed his fist into Michael Jackson's kisser because of that.

According to a source – who seems to enjoy life's more horrible details a little too much – this is how the Michael Jackson lip explosion went down:

"He was whacked in the face accidentally by his younger son Prince Michael II while playing around and part of Jackson's upper lip collapsed. That mishap led an hysterical Jacko to make a beeline for the plastic surgeon for a bit of quickie repair work."

Now, imagine that you're five years old and you've just accidentally hit your Dad in the face, only for a considerable section of it to explode, leading to him screaming and flailing around and bleeding lip-gore everywhere. Usually that'd be a profoundly distressing incident for a normal child to have caused, but on the other hand his Dad is Michael Jackson, so this all probably ranks fairly low on the weirdometer.

And, of course, our heart also goes out to Michael Jackson. We can't imagine what it must be like for him so suffer such grisly injuries from an attack by his own young son. It must be almost enough to put him off children for good.

Read more:

Jackson's lips 'burst and collapsed' – Metro 

That's what American newsreader Alycia Lane seems to have done, at least. Already this year Alycia Lane has found herself in the middle of a scandal after she was caught sending photos of herself in a bikini to a married NFL host, but now she's blown that furore out of the water by getting arrested for punching a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on Sunday morning. Alycia Lane has denied the charges, of course, and says that she was just festively acting out the scene from the Nativity where baby Jesus punched a plain-clothes police officer in the face in New York at 2am on that holy Sunday morning. Or something.

You know what we love? Female American newsreaders, that's what. Giant-haired, model-pretty, dumb as a sack of verrucas, so ambitious they'd stab you to death with a letter-opener if they felt you were getting an atom more attention than them and all called things like Zoran Alopecia, female American newsreaders are perhaps the purest example of everything that's good about the world.

After all, it was a female American newsreader who slagged off her sister-in-law in the loo on microphone during a George Bush speech about 9/11, and it's a female American newsreader who's just been arrested for punching a policewoman in the face in New York. Alycia Lane is an Emmy-winning newsreader for KYW-TV in Philadelphia, something that makes her slightly famous in Philadelphia but not much everywhere else. But Alycia Lane is working on that.

How? Why, by apparently punching a plain-clothes policewoman full in the face and insulting her because she was driving her car quite slowly, of course. Alycia Lane was arrested at 2am on Sunday for allegedly punching a policewoman's face in following an argument and was subsequently charged with assaulting a police offer, a felony.

To her credit, though, Alycia Lane denies absolutely everything about her arrest, as her lawyer David Smith told the New York Daily News:

"She absolutely didn't hit or make derogatory remarks to anyone," Smith said. "She was inside the taxi when the initial confrontation was going on." He added that Lane got out of the cab only to photograph the fracas, but "her camera was violently grabbed from her. She was shocked to learn after the fact that these people were plain-clothed police officers."

Of course, since Alycia Lane is a whiter-than-white upstanding citizen with an unblemished record of do-gooding and a brain that has never even computed a single bad thought, we have no option to believe her side of the story. Except that this isn't the first trouble Alycia Lane has gotten into this year – a few months ago the wife of an NFL network anchor busted Lane's scheme to email a load of bikini photos of herself to her husband.

And isn't sending some beachwear photos to a man exactly the same thing as punching an undercover police officer in the face? Of course it is – but we don't think that Alycia Lane should to jail for this incident. No, she should team up with Foxy Brown and Naomi Campbell to become a new female superhero trio dedicated to fighting crime by kicking stuff over and beating each other up a lot and shit.

Read more:

News Anchor Busted For Punching Cop – New York Daily News