Guess what?! It’s nearly February 8th! What does that mean? Well, that date marks the three-year anniversary of Chris Brown punching ten shades out of his then-girlfriend Rihanna! Ain’t that grand? It really is. The whole world came together like knuckles on eye-socket on that day.

And there’s more!

See, despite previously being forcibly separated by a court order, RiRi and Breezy (honestly, what is it with these nicknames? Are they 10 years old or something?) could be seeing in the anniversary together as multiple sources confirm that the pair have been secretly been (right) hooking up for nearly a year!

Apparently, the pair “meet up very casually,” (whatever that means) according to a Brown confidante.

“She comes to see him anytime she’s in L.A.”

“They can’t get enough of each other. I don’t see it ending well. Rihanna loves to live dangerously, and talking to and hooking up with Chris is all part of that”

To be honest, we’re thoroughly sick of the sight of Rihanna (seriously – three new singles out every 5 minutes and billions of pointless column inches about her supposedly edgy, risque sex life. WE’RE TIRED NOW) and Chris Brown is, well, famous despite a lack of decent music and a alarmingly quick temper.

And when Breezy isn’t trying to throw chairs through a window while tearing his shirt off like Hulk at a TV station, this clandestine Rihanna business is complicated further by the fact Brown seems to have a girlfriend by the name of Karrueche Tran.

Shrieking hysterically, Breezy rep says:

“He and Rihanna are just friends. He’s not cheating!”

As Shakespeare once said, the well-paid representative doth protest too much.

Either way, this kicks the door open in a wife-beater vest for a swarm of Team Breezy (fans of Chris Brown if you’re wondering)  to scream and yell the place down, demanding forgiveness for a man who has systematically failed to apologise for assaulting a woman.

Oh dear. Poor ol’ Chris Brown has got his boxing gloves in a twist. See, he doesn’t like people asking him about the terrible things he’s done in the past. The last time someone broached the topic of him punching Rihanna, he tore his shirt off and threw a chair at a window.

And so, instead of addressing the issues and maybe saying sorry, showing that he’s grown up and wants to move on, he’s decided to go with another tactic.

In 2012, Chris Brown has announced there will be a ban on all interviews. That’s right. Tired of people pointing out you’re an idiot? Then stick your fingers in your ears for a whole calendar year and laughably suggest that you should be judge solely on your ‘talent’.

Tina Davis, Breezy’s manager, told Billboard magazine it was to…

“not have him do interviews but to concentrate on performing and recording”

“We’re not trying to be rude, selfish or disrespectful to anyone in any way. If people are going to judge anything, judge him for his talent. He signed up to sing and entertain. Not to talk about his personal life.”

Jesus wept.

We can now focus entirely on his awful, awful music without being distracted by his knuckles, quick-temper and pea-brain. Basically, we’re all being asked to dump our ire in one spot, as opposed to spreading it into two places.

We can absolutely assume that Brown will not be able to keep himself away from twitter though, so we’ll still have ammo to fire at him (unless of course, he gets all his correspondence vetted by his team first, which isn’t out of the realms of possibility).

Basically, this unswerving dimwit will balls this up somehow because he is completely unable to stop himself from wandering into trouble.

Remember the last time he let his hands do his talking instead of his mouth?

Bugger. A new year is nearly upon us which means award ceremonies will soon be in full swing. February will see Adele win every award she’s nominated for at The Brits because quantity of sales rules over quality of music these days.

The Brit awards are so dull that the most mind shattering event to have ever happened was when Labour politician John Prescott got a bucket of ice water tipped over him. Imagine if he’d froze to death or got his suit ruined?

For real controversy, you can always count on America. Back in 2009, Rihanna and Chris Brown were scheduled to individually perform at the Grammys, the only ceremony in the world where people honour country & western music. Sadly for Rihanna, Chris Brown got a little excited about the evening ahead and started fist bumping her repeatedly in the face. But hey, that happened years ago and it seems the organisers of the Grammys have completely forgotten this.

It’s hard to work out why anyone, apart from boxers, needs to use their fists for work purposes. Perhaps Chris Brown had convinced a record label executive that he should be allowed near a studio again, so he could record a poxy album for members of Team Breezy to go nuts over. At least it’s refreshing to see the gap in the market left by Michael Jackson fans is being filled by a new brand of hardcore extremists.

Once again, it shows that the world of showbiz is a much more forgiving place than the grim world the majority of people live in. When the Grammys come, you’ll see a large room that’ll be full of people who’ve committed all sorts of illicit activities’ from pro-sportsmen, actors and musicians. They’d still be applauded because they’re famous. Stick them in a rough council estate in Hull and soon good old fashioned public justice would quickly deflate a lot of egos.

It seems that, despite Chris Brown’s brutality rearranging somebody’s face, this hasn’t stopped him from being nominated for a number of awards. Just like all other artists in Brown’s genre, we can assume that he sang about issues such as bling, bitches, fast cars and his mega sized crib. But not why he posted photos of his penis on the internet. We’ve been told he’s up for:

“Best R&B album, best rap performance and best rap song.”

Because Rihanna is either upsetting Irish farmers or releasing a new single every other hour, she’s never been out of the world of music and has been nominated for best pop vocal album, album of the year amongst others. How’s it going to work at the Grammys? After only receiving community service work, there were other stipulations placed upon him which ordered him to have:

“No contact with Rihanna, barring him from appearing in any venue as she, and effectively banning him from awards ceremonies at which she appeared.”

But remember, Rihanna is all edgy and in your face. She’d change her middle name to danger if she could. Back in February she modified the restraining order so that:

“The two could be in the same room.”

We can only expect small talk over at the fondue stand or more realistically, anger from Chris Brown when Rihanna takes the cocktail sausage from under his nose at the buffet. Let’s hope the rumours that they’re sexting each other again aren’t true.

All industries are dominated by a few major players -  just look at the computer you’re using. It’ll either be a PC or a magical Mac that claims to aid you in ways you didn’t think existed. In the music world, different genres have varied leading individuals.

In the world of rap & hip-hop, there are plenty to pick from; ranging from Jay-Z, Nicki Minaj and Kanye. Remarkably, one person whose still has a career despite his woman punchingpast is Chris Brown.

Since his incident with Rihanna and other angry antics, it’s remarkably easy to make fun of Chris Brown and the rest of Team Breezy. Team Hecklerspreezy doesn’t mind being the crew to do just that. However, we’ve been alerted to a piece of satire that is amazing in a variety of ways. So stop reading our ropey sentences and watch Mac Lethal slay Chris Brown with some lyrical pancakes.

Actually, we’ve just realised that most people reading hecklerspray wouldn’t know the original song. So in the balance of fairness, here’s the original.

Though we advice you don’t listen for too long.

We don’t want you to suffer any anger bouts like Chris Brown does. Ten minutes with his music is enough to make you want to domestically violence one off on yourself.

Seriously. Listen.

As you’d expect, it’s a video with the same generic stuff going on. People popping their limbs aimlessly whilst cheaply hired models parade around in clothes that they won’t be able to keep at the end of the shoot.

Most shockingly, sunglasses are being worn inside by people. Automatically making them look like they require a guide dog.

But forget that, here’s what we all came to see:

Sometimes parody/satire videos can lose all of their wit after one play, but this is a genuinely funny video that not only rips the anus out of Chris Brown, but does so by altering the context in the most radical, unlikely and creative way.

If only all cookery shows and books were replaced by rappers instructed us how to make the perfect pastry with a rhyme accompanied by a dope beat.

If we were in charge of the Hip-Hop awards, we’d boil everything down to just one award which congratulated an artist for name checking themselves at least fifty times per song and rhyming words ridiculously fast.

But like any other dull awards ceremony, tedious trophies are given to anyone who wears an entire gold mine round their neck.

One of the most popular bucktoothed faces of modern hip-hop is none other than Chris Brown. Whilst repetitively hitting someone in the face would land the average person a long prison sentence, the opposite happened to our gormless friend.

It seems that fans of Chris Brown just love domestic abuse. We can only assume that “Team Breezy,” as they’re known, must have coined their name from the time Rihanna felt the full force of Chris Brown’s fists. Perhaps Brown punched her so hard it felt like a breezeblock was hitting her.

Music seemingly speaks louder than words with multiple awards being given to Chris Brown this week. Perhaps he threatened the judges unless he won.

Britain provides anyone who’s vaguely popular with a Brit Award and ignores all of the underground movements and genres that happen up and down the country. In America, it’s an official law that everyone has to listen to hip-hop, otherwise you’ll be suspected of being an immigrant who wants to bring nothing but pain, terror and torture to the obese citizens of the country that Uncle Sam founded.

It takes a lot to be a rap person. Thinking about it, there’s only Chris Brown, 50 Cent, Eminem, Jay-Zed, The Game and MC Scrot Bag who are making authentic rhythmic American poetry. So inevitably, the same people are going to win the awards they are nominated for.

But what did our wife beater friend Chris Brown win? Sadly, no award for biggest prick was announced for this year, but he did scoop the following:

Best Hip-Hop Video: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes, “Look At Me Now”
Best Collaboration: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes, “Look At Me Now”
People’s Champ Award: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes, “Look at Me Now”

Now, we don’t often point out other peoples typos due to team hecklerspray writing most articles whilst under the influence of alcohol, deep fried food and narcotics, we have to point out that the “People’s Champ Award” should be the “People’s Chump Award.” Let’s remember that Chris Brown is the level headed dude who decided to run around with his shirt off whilst destroying the set of an American talkshow when questioned about the time his fists got a little bit excited with Rihanna’s face.

But hey, it’s okay, remember he committed his heinous act about two years ago, that makes him innocent! Therefore Chris Brown can pillage his way through more innocent people with a goofy faced smile and get away with everything, even though he never said sorry for his original attack.

Mel Gibson must wish he was Chris Brown.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

There aren’t many people out there who take Chris Brown’s past very seriously. Apparently, we should just forget all about the whole punching Rihanna in the face repeatedly and storming around a TV studio, shirtless, throwing chairs at windows.

It’s our fault. Not his. We should just let go. Despite the fact he hasn’t ever got around to actually saying sorry. That’s probably our fault as well.

And, in another move that’s probably our fault as well, Brown has been banned from entering the UK to perform at the ill-advised Michael Jackson tribute concert in Cardiff, because he has a criminal record from punching Rihanna in the face. Loads.

That’s right folks! Chris Brown thought it was a good idea to perform at the Michael Jackson tribute concert in Cardiff, which is timed perfectly to coincide with Dr Conrad Murray’s manslaughter trial and, of course, we don’t need to mention the vague tastelessness of performing for an alleged corpse child-botherer.

However, because he’s got his own chequered past, he’s been refused a work visa.

What’s so sad is that all of these events are our fault, not his. However, what is completely his own doing is the suggestion that… and you’ll love this… Chris would perform at the Michael Forever concert as a hologram.

Yes. A hologram.

However, US authorities decided against that as well, which certainly isn’t Chris Brown’s fault.

A source says:

“It would put a negative slant on the day. The family wants to make sure the show is a fitting tribute to Michael.”

Yeah. This Michael Forever show doesn’t need much help on that score. That’s not Chris Brown’s fault either. Poor, blameless Christopher Brown.

It seems he’s taking Michael’s place as Pop Martyr.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

We’ve all seen rather a lot of Rihanna over the years and she’s increasingly keen to tell us all about her sex-life. Basically, she’s now sounding like one of those highly sexualised virgins you find taking self-shots on Tumblr.

Ostensibly, she’s turning into one of those tiresome young people who can’t stop talking about vaguely risque sex, but regrettably, is very easy on the eye so we all gawp like sickos every time she flashes her arse.

Yet, as we know, last week Northern Irish farmerman Alan Graham asked Rihanna to leave his field after he spotted her running around with her baps out while she shot a promotional video. And now he’s getting hatemail from Rihanna fans who are clearly the most stupid people on Earth (not including Chris Brown and Queen fans, natch).

The hugely religious farmer, with his dirty fingernails and thousand-yard stare, said that the reaction from Ri’s fans has surprised him, with one calling him a ‘bible-bashing maniac’.

Mr Graham said:

‘I’m taking it all in my stride, it’ll soon die down’

‘To be honest, all this fuss has kept me back a bit. I’ve got straw to harvest that I haven’t been able to finish yet.’

It transpires that Graham is a supporter on the DUP, which of course, was founded by Grade A mental, Ian Paisley and now headed up by Peter Robinson who is probably still crying himself to sleep every night thinking about the affair his wife had with a teenager butcher.

Still, all these men are bound by a belief in God and a complete revulsion of gay people. You’ve heard of Iris Robinson, the DUP member who said she had a friend who could ‘cure’ homosexuality? You heard about their campaign called ‘Save Ulster From Sodomy’?

Great bunch.

And so, we can only hope that Alan Graham’s newly found celebrity sees him being offered huge sums of money to appear nipple-to-nipple with Ian Paisley in the pages of Zoo or Nuts.

That’s what normally happens with overnight celebrities, right?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

When Chris Brown was at school, we imagine that he was the kid who tried his best to do everything right, but always screwed up. But, as everyone knows, Brown discovered a talent he excels at over most people.

Team Breezy, aka Deluded Lovers of Chris Brown will claim it’s the size of his love sausage following leaked photos, but people living in the real world know he’s a champion boxer.

Granted, he hasn’t battled anyone in the ring, though Rihanna has first-hand experience of how a buck toothed twerp gets rid of his frustrations. But don’t worry; all he needed to do was show he was a kind and caring individual by recording a song with crooning foetus Justin Bieber, making everything as right as a jab to the face.

Chris Brown is still capable of selling twelve tickets to fans in America though.

That said, the swaggering didn’t exempt him from a slip when performing live the other night. We have video. A video of Chris Brown falling on his stupid, stupid arse.

Unfortunately, we can’t find an edited copy of the video, so please skip the insipid music by moving to the three minute mark in the video.

We don’t want your ears to vomit do we?

Following this LOL moment, we hope that Chris Brown didn’t store up his anger of looking like an embarrassment and smash-up the catering stand in his dressing room following his performance.

The set of Good Morning America suffered a battering from the weak R&B singer when he appeared on the show when the presenters, quite justifiably, asked him why he slapped a woman around. Brown shrugged his shoulders before breaking a window and running around topless.

This time, in public at least, Chris Brown responded well to his stumble and managed to pick up the pieces to sing to his audience of tens. The little slugger even tried to make light of the situation by saying:

“I know y’all see me bust my ass! It’s because I love y’all!”

That’s right everyone, according to Chris Brown, if you want to show your love for friends, family or peers, don’t give them hugs or overpriced gifts. Instead, just fall over and then immediately get back up.

You might initially think they’re moronic or suffering a stroke, but according to the coolest cat in R&B, this is how you demonstrate mad love.

Since a judge told Chris Brown he can’t show his affections through beatings, we guess he’s had to change somehow.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Northern Ireland is a strange bit of the world to visit. For starters, they call underpants ‘gonks’. Secondly, they still have a man sat in a broom cupboard introducing Coronation Street. He’s called Julian and we’re told he’s the only official homosexual in the North of Ireland.

Apart from Julian, Niron had a brush with another superstar, this time, Rihanna. She was filming a video in a corn field in Bangor.

However, things took a turn for the filthy when Rihanna got her breasts out, causing an incident with a local farmer… and you don’t mess with Northern Irish farmers or you might end up in a shallow pit covered in lime, just behind the shed filled with contraband machine guns.

While filming the promotional video for her new Calvin Harris collaboration (called ‘We Found Love’, which isn’t great and can be heard at the foot of the article), RiRi was dancing around in a red bikini top. For some reason, she decided to removed the top and get ‘em out.

It most certainly won’t have been anything to do with it being too hot.

The farmer who owned the land sadly caught sight of Rihanna’s chesticles and wasn’t having any of it.

Alan Graham told BBC News:

“I thought it was inappropriate. I requested them to stop and they did. I had my conversation with Rihanna and I hope she understands where I’m coming from. We shook hands.”

Get that? Rihanna’s breasts were quite possibly still on show while she gingerly shook hands with a farmer from Bangor. In fairness, Alan Graham probably didn’t find the whole thing at all sexual because, as we all know, farmers look at everything like it’s livestock.

He was more likely to be weighing her up with regard to childbirth or being able to carry inordinately heavy items down a sodden field in November.

He wasn’t done either. He added:

“I didn’t know who was coming. If the name ‘Rihanna’ had been mentioned, well, no disrespect but it wouldn’t have meant anything.

“From my point of view, it was my land, I have an ethos and I felt it was inappropriate. I wish no ill will against Rihanna and her friends. Perhaps they could acquaint themselves with a greater God.”

Amazing.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Russia. It’s a fabulous country isn’t it? It’s got spies with poison-tips umbrellas poking people ’til they die, amazing architecture, cool accents, an often baffling news channel (Russia Today is occasionally AMAZING) and, best yet, mental and powerful people.

We’ve already showed you why Vladimir Putin is much, much better than you… but what about the business magnates?

While we have Richard Branson messing around in his balloons and the assembled gargoyles of Dragons Den, Russia have people like Alexander Lebedev who likes to punch people spark out on televised debate shows. Seriously. Watch it over the jump.

Some Russian chatshow invited Alexander Lebedev – who owns the Independent and the London Evening Standard – to shoot the breeze with property cheese Sergei Polonsky.

Alas, when debating with an ex-KGB agent as Lebedev is, he might not bother with all those words and instead, prefer to smack you in the gob.

The Leb says of it:

“In a critical situation, there is no choice. I see no reason to be hit with the first shot. I neutralised him,”

And here, we can see Alexander cracking Sergei in the face, leaving us to ponder a world where British television has the nuts to resolve debates in such a manner.

Just imagine Paddy Ashdown roundhouse kicking Dimbleby in the head while a horrified Harriet Harman looks on, hoping no-one has noticed the smut that her husband just texted her.

WATCH.

via: Bitterwallet

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Chris ‘Slugger’ Brown. He’s a really famous guy isn’t he? He’s been welcomed back to the fold after he punched Rihanna so many times that she almost looked unattractive. Almost. You still would’ve, right?

Anyway, ol’ good-with-his-hands Brown has mystifyingly been let-off for domestically abusing one-off all over RiRi’s face, which must provide great hope for Mel ‘I only slapped her because she was mental’ Gibson.

We’re not the only ones who think it a little odd that Team Breezy think that we should just forget about all that punching a woman business because he’s made some awful soul-pop records. Some chap called Andy Levy made a really good joke about Brown’s fondness of caressing a lady’s face with his knuckles, and has since apologised in a way that Brown and his fans won’t like one bit.

Commentator/comedian Andy Levy went toe-to-toe with Chris ‘Clubber’ Brown on Twitter, and of course, Brown’s fans went nutso over it all.

Not surprisingly really when they’re quite clearly the dimmest humans on Earth right now.

Basically, Levy made a joke on twitter, which made a reference to Brown’s use of his bony hands in and around a woman’s face.

Look. This is the joke. He replaced ‘planking’ with ‘punching’. That’s hecklerspray level of base-trolling.
Naturally, it all went off, leaving Levy to go on-air and make the most cack-handed apology ever. Seriously. While he’s a little heavy-handed at times, it’s still pretty funny.

So, less chat, and watch this video.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

After going out with Chris ‘Fists’ Brown, Rihanna has been looking out for someone to dominate her in the bedroom, but in a nice way. Not a Chris Brown way. She said she liked to be treated like a lady, but sometimes, she wants to err on the side of slap, rather than tickle.

And so, with half of the men on Earth sticking their hand up and saying “I’ll do it! I’ll do it!”, she’s rumoured to be hunkering down with someone called Love God.

If anyone can give a lady what she needs, it would be someone called Love God. Unless, of course, they happen to be all gob and no trousers.

While she was back to her native Barbados, she decided to jiggle her jigglies around wearing very, very little (as you can see below).

And during this time, it is rumoured that she hooked up with an old flame.

She was spotted bogling with Love God (or Negus Sealy to his nana) at the Kadooment Day carnival on Monday and they’ve been inseparable since.

Literally you might assume. Perhaps the two have become attached like dogs in heat, in which case, someone get a hose on them to sort it out.

“Negus has hardly left her side. He was her first true love. The ladies here all love him – they call him the Love God”

“They’ve hooked up in the past when she’s been back in Barbados but now things have progressed into a proper relationship again.”

Rihanna and Negus first courted each other in 2006, but alas, she had to go away and be really, really famous instead. You don’t care though. You’ve been avoiding these words in favour of dribbling over the picture of RiRi at the Kadooment Day carnival haven’t you?

Oh well.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

People talking about sex is rather dull isn’t it. There’s a widespread absence of imagination and titillation because we’ve all got access to it, constantly streaming from our computers. We don’t have to think anymore. It’s just… always there.

And like those people who kid themselves that being into alt.smut is somehow better than trad.filth, people who talk about being into kinky stuff are duller than ditch water.

Sadly, Rihanna is turning into one of those sex-bores. She’s left nothing for us to idly daydream about. She’s basically told us everything and now we’ll have to create other fantasies. And yes, it comes as no surprise that someone who sang ‘S&M’ like to be dominated in the bedroom.

The thrill of certain popstars is that you assume how dirty they might be if, in some fantasy scenario, you managed to get them in the bedroom. You wonder what they look like and how they might do it to you… but alas, with Rihanna, she’s so keen to tell us – coupled with the fact that naked pictures of her are already online – she’s taken all that fun stuff away.

And while we cover our ears and shout “STOPPIT!”, Ri sits in the corner being all forthright about her bedroom shenanigans.

Explaining why she likes a man to take charge, she said:

‘I play a very dominant role in my life, in every aspect of it. And I like to feel like a lady still, at some point.

‘I feel like that’s the time when a guy really gets to be a man, and I get to be a woman. And if I’m being a man in the bedroom too, there’s nothing really in it for me.’

And it irritates her that she’s supposed to be a role model.

‘I want to set the right example and, at the same time, live my life..I feel like pop stars can’t be rock stars anymore because they have to be role models, and it takes the fun out of it for us, because we just want to have fun with art.’

NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS FOR US DIRTY BUGGERS LOOKING ON!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Is everyone in Dallas a massive racist? They like the confederate flag over there, so they must be! Did they have lynchings as well? We’ve no idea. We don’t really like America. It’s a silly country with large portions and impossible dental work.

We’re talking about the foibles of Dallas because we’re trying to work out why Rihanna would want to kill everyone there.

See, while she was playing a show in Texas, she set the stage on fire, leaving stupid hacks to ponder if Rihanna’s appearance and performance was so ‘hot’, that it actually combusted. However, it is clear that this was attempted mass-murder and it is only a matter of time before America’s famous police force, with their non-bias toward any race, get involved.

Apparently, during the show, sparks sizzled and flew while the crammed-in audience at the delightfully named American Airlines Center, were nearly set ablaze while Rihanna sneaked out of the stage door, laughing to herself.

However, RiRi’s dastardly plan was foiled as no injuries were reported.

Unhappy with the singer’s contempt for her own audience, Rihanna’s crew quickly put the potentially lethal inferno out, holding down the flames ’til Dallas firefighters arrived to do a proper job of it.

This attempted killing spree, possibly influenced by her ‘Man Down’ video where she guns a rapist down, was the climax of a particularly bad night for all concerned as the Rude Boy singer was an hour late to kick off her show. It seems she wanted to get them angry before roasting them all like battery hens.

Of course, as roast chicken is so delicious and Americans are so famously greedy, it could have been the first instance in history where toasted corpses were actually picking at their own cadavers and serving limbs up to each other with gravy.

Rihanna passed the whole thing off on twitter, saying:

“DALLAS!!! We set the stage on FYAH tonight!!! LITERALLY!!! I’m so pissed, I was having so much fun wit yall too!!! I gotta come back man!!”

She gotta go back? To finish her dreadful, blood-hungry deed no doubt. Texans – you’ve been warned.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

For quite some time we’ve suspected that underneath Rihanna’s clothes, she is completely naked.

We haven’t been able to prove it but we’ve been tossing and turning at night, well mainly tossing, deliberating over this issue and hoping one day we’d be in the position to shout from the rooftops of hecklerspray towers, ‘WE WERE RIGHT!!’

This is that day.

Yes, photographs of RiRi IN THE BALDY BUFF have been leaked online by an unknown source and she’s less than happy about it. We on the other hand couldn’t be more delighted.

It seems that before Chris Brown had that unfortunate mishap on Rihanna’s face, the loved-up couple were rather snap happy, texting each other pictures of their front bottoms in bathroom mirrors and just generally being a pair of walking hormones with expensive phones.

On her arrival in Barbados, friends alerted her to the unfortunate news by mobile phone.

Peachy bum said:

“I could barely stand. I went to the first bathroom I saw and just sat in the stall with the door open.”

“People kept coming in and staring at me sitting on the toilet bowl. I was mortified. I didn’t even want to leave the airport.”

Apparently these gifts from God were sent to Chris Brown by ‘accident’ and although the ENTIRE PLANET thinks he leaked them (not by accident) his completely clothed spokesperson said:

“This is both a false and defamatory statement.  Chris has not released or ‘leaked’ and photos of Rihanna, or anyone else for that matter”

Of course he hasn’t. That would be as mean as punching her in the face wouldn’t it?

Now off you go and look online for the photographs.

Perverts.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!