Ah, Courtney Love. What would we do without you. When things get a little too much for us to bear, we just take one look at your increasingly peculiar face and think to ourselves: ‘At least things aren’t as bad as that.’
The Former Mrs Cobain has, for some reason, taken it upon herself to become the Grunge Joan Rivers, despite the fact that precisely no-one actually asked for it.
And now, humble Courtney is getting out her crayons and starting work on her autobiography which will be a gentle, thoughtful read, sensitively looking back on her life with a suicidal husband who took loads of bad drugs, as well as her fondness for jacking up on bad shit while having sex with a variety of rock singers.
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Samuel L Jackson is, once again, going to be teaming up with Quentin Tarantino. It has been confirmed and everything. This is fine, fine news.
Jackson’s publicist has told Variety that the actor has signed up for the film Django Unchained.
What’s Django Unchained? We like to think of it as Slave Japes. We also really hope Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a role in it. Let us explain.
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Back in ’89, Back to the Future 2 premiered on cinema screens and everyone went wild for hoverboards and his Nike Air Mag. As hoverboards aren’t likely to hit production anytime soon, Nike seem to be toying with the idea of releasing the sneakers to the world.
Wise move. You’ll get ironic buyers and people who just think they’re the bee’s knees. In fairness, self-lacing hi-tops are pretty cool.
Over the jump, you’ll see a video called ‘Marty McFly’s Closet’ which should get you retronauts all giddy for a pair of ‘Air Mags’. So what else should make the leap from fiction to reality?
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Courtney Love isn’t someone you’d trust to look after themselves would you? If you were a pal of hers (surely she has some friends), you’d worry if she planned to cross the street by herself. She certainly can’t be trusted to not tweet harrowing naked self-shots to the world.
Alas, her entire value on the celebrity circuit seems to be that of irritating estate of Kurt Cobain’s cadaver and general gossip about who she’s had sex with, and general tragic trainwreck.
All this combined, it isn’t surprising that she’s injured herself while setting her New York home on fire, which can’t be the first time its happened because her face suggests that she’s been stood near too many naked flames, leaving her rubbery faced warped like a figure of Adam of Eternia under a magnifying glass.
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You gotta hand it to Courtney Love – she’s a real class act. Lately, she’s been a trainwreck superstar of twitter, slagging off her daughter, writing impenetrable garbled messages and leaking upsetting naked photos of herself while displaying the most unusual lips seen in Hollywood.
We’re talking about face-lips you disgusting perverts.
And now, after making an enemy of the surviving members of Nirvana, she’s now pointing at Kurt Cobain’s cadaver and slurring about what a large dong he possessed when he was a member of the living. That’s nice isn’t it? That’s exactly the kind of thing he would’ve wanted.
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There are certain places that you’re allowed to swear: in the bedroom of a loved one during some sort of steamy romp, a rum-fuelled pool party round Samuel L. Jackson’s house, a Derek & Clive record.
But there are other places where it’s not so cool to swear: in the bedroom of a dying relative during some sort of last rites, a fundraiser for a Pentecostal Church-sponsored under-eight’s netball team, ON AMERICAN TELEVISION AT ANY TIME AT ALL.
What happens when sweary movies are shown on some of the more sensitive US networks? I mean, the best films feature those dastardly curse-words, don’t they? Whether it’s Joe Pesci telling some ‘C-word’ to go ‘eff his Mother’, Jason Statham telling you to ‘suck his so and so’ or Clark Gable telling Olivia de Havilland in Gone With The Wind that, “Quite frankly, you fucking slag, I couldn’t give a fisherman’s piss!”
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