You remember Paris Hilton, don’t you? Come on readers. Try a bit harder. She’s that night vision girl that you’ve seen performing fellatio on a man with no personality. No? She’s tall… blonde… denser than the singularity of a black hole? No? Really? She’s the heir to the Hilton hotel chain and- frankly- if you still don’t remember who she is then you might as well click on the little ‘x’ in the corner of your browser and save us all some trouble.

However, after a year spent only riding one penis as though it’s a disappointed bucking bronco, Hilton and her boyfriend of a year and a half Cy Waits have ”amicably” decided to end their relationship.

Still- no relationship really ends amicably, does it? Sure, you can try to remain friends and make sure that the people closest to you don’t have any sense of awkwardness or worse, feel as though they have to pick sides but regardless of these efforts, someone always comes out of it badly and looking like a petty scumbag.

We wouldn’t normally mention that fact but it’s one that might be worth looking back on when we’re still hearing about every minute detail of this poor bugger’s inadequacy in three month’s time.

The 30-year-old socialite and popstar (or so her publicist would have you believe) has reached the mutual decision with her Las Vegas club owner boyfriend Cy. Yes. Cy. Without looking him up, we’re assuming it stands for Cyrus which proves that getting laid isn’t all about your name.

The couple, who were last week said to be “re-evaluating” their relationship, have supposedly made the decision to part ways because “Cy” can’t cope with Paris’ celebrity lifestyle. According to the hecklerspray lawyers, ‘celebrity lifestyle’ should not be taken as being a euphemism for 64 hour gang-bangs in which Paris is the only person who leaves without any traumatic sense of shame.

According to ‘sources’, “Cy” found it difficult to live his life with her in the spotlight and that’s what caused their split. Ironically, he apparently didn’t realise that going out with a woman who’s famous for being a talentless intellect vacuum might involve a slight invasion of his privacy. The self-same ’source’ told US Weekly:

“They are broken up. It’s sad, she cares about him a lot and thinks he’s a great guy but they really hit a rough patch.”

The pair have been dating for over a year and a half, but Cy was said to be particularly upset about their private lives being shown in her new reality TV show ‘The World According to Paris’ (which absolutely no-one should watch as stupidity is infectious). An insider who is likely to be the same junior publicist as the afore-mentioned ‘source’ said:

“Cy is very upset with the series. He felt that way too much of their private life was shown. When he signed on to do the show, he had no idea the cameras would be so invasive.”

Speaking about their relationship in the weeks leading up to the split, Paris revealed she would get engaged on the series if “Cy” was to pop the question. She said:

“We are so happy. It’s almost been a year and a half now so we’ll see what happens, but the show is going to show everything, so when that happens it will be on the show.”

It could easily be alleged that Paris ended her relationship on the advice of her “people” who would be of the opinion that her splitting up from her current oddly-named beau would add a depth to the series that a dim-witted blonde with all the mental capacity of the Graf Zeppelin could’t muster up off her own back.

Of course- that would be immensely cynical of us, regardless of how true it might be.

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If you’re a somewhat famous person who hasn’t really gotten it together in years – what you need is a good publicist.

Seriously – a good publicist can do wonders for your career. They’ll get your name on marquees, they’ll make the masses forget you’re ugly and dumb, and dang it all, they’ll even marry you if that’s what it takes to sell your next album.

We can’t guarantee all publicists will marry you – but Eddie Van Halen’s will. She’ll marry you in a heartbeat – even if you look kinda like you’ve been buried in a moist hill for over 200 years. It’s because she does what it takes – whatever it takes, to get you a headline or two.

That’s what we assume anyway – because she just got romantically engaged to E Van Halen. Yes, she got romantically engaged to him, with plans to romantically marry him.

Now that’s dedication.

When that Bertanelli chick married Eddie Van Halen over fifty years ago, it was with the intent of eventually replacing Sammy Hagar on vocals. When that didn’t work out their marriage shattered, and both were left with empty hearts that only a personal employee could fill.

For the record we have no idea who Valerie Bertanelli is currently dating. We are up on Eddie though – he’s been dating Janie Liszewski, an employee whom he no doubt pays several thousand dollars per year. She just got a raise though, probably a big one too – like two grand or something. That’s because they’re engaged now, and have properly annotated so on their W-4.

We don’t actually have the financial numbers involved with their engagement, and possibly there aren’t any. Here’s what People thinks:

“Eddie Van Halen is engaged to his girlfriend/publicist Janie Liszewski, PEOPLE has learned. Van Halen, 53, proposed to Liszewski, 38, on Aug. 4 while they were vacationing in Hawaii. The rock guitarist dropped to one knee and popped the question in a private room at Tiffany’s, a source close to the couple tells PEOPLE. The couple plan to wed next June.”

Now that news is far more interesting than the time Van Halen canceled a tour, the time they canceled a tour again, or the time Eddie’s daffodils got covered in way too much water. Still though, it’s not quite as interesting as the time his dog exploded, the time he gave up music to make wine with nuns, or the time he got an x-ray that found over 10,000 fire ants burrowed deep in his chest.

No links for those last ones? Probably because they’re not true at all. If they were, Eddie Van Halen would be the most interesting person in the world, and his publicist wouldn’t have to throw herself in front of that romantically entangled bullet.

Just imagine a world like that.