Well, we are. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it – especially not when she’s selling tickets to her super-mega-ultra sweet 16.

Yes, she of Hannah Montana fame and the one that likes to get all (almost) nude for the sake of every man, woman and child in the world is making her party public.

Public in Disneyland, which is 85 acres in size, but public nonetheless.

All we need to do is save up $250 then hecklerspray can join in the fun – you can bring beer into Disneyland, right? We’ll settle for gin, mind. October 5 here we come!

There will be 5,000 invites available to anyone that can afford them/can be bothered/is a bit of a mental stalker and all proceeds will be donated to Youth Service America. So not only will you get an expensive, private day out with your best friend Miley Cyrus (she doesn’t know who you are) and 4,999 other people, you get to help five-to-25-year-olds who help people too. It’s win-win.

But why, oh why would a girl just turning 16 want to go somewhere like Disneyland? Well, probably because she’s a girl just turning 16. It makes sense when you think about it. Speaking to Entertainment Tonight, our favourite child that gets almost-naked said:

“It’s gonna be an awesome party with more than seven things I like. It’s gonna be totally awesome. I hope it’s a great time… I love roller coasters, so this is my ultimate birthday. I only turn 16 once, so it’s going to be an awesome party with my favorite rides, hanging out with friends, fireworks and more.”

First: what the hell is she talking about with this ‘more than seven things’ malarkey? Is one of those things she likes ‘getting half-naked in a disturbing fashion and having the pictures spread all over the internet’? Second: hanging out with fireworks? What? Is that some new fad that all the kids are into?

Anyway, the seemingly mental Miss Cyrus went on:

“The best part of the party is we’re going to recognize some really cool kids from Youth Service America who are giving back to their community. That’s so awesome because I think it’s really important for kids like us to volunteer.”

So at least there’s something nice coming from it, even if we do actually turn up and ruin things by getting drunk and clogging up Space Mountain with sick, by doing a poo in Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin or by demanding Miley gets off with Katy Perry when we’re at a particular low point.

Regardless of the destruction hecklerspray would bring on through excessive amounts of bodily fluids, at least there will have been a charitable donation along the way, so no one can complain.

Those who care enough can go here to get the tickets, which are available from August 30th. We probably can’t afford flights over if we’re honest, but if someone wants to pick up some cheap travel for us then we’ll happily go – we’ll even take photos and everything.

Fortunately, the girl saw sense and has shed that disgusting weight that was – both figuratively and literally – holding her down. Yes, friends, Jennifer Love Hewitt has gone and lost 18 pounds, after those photos appeared of her last year when she looked normal.

Obviously when we say ‘normal’ it’s meant by our standards – if we were judging by the usual Hollywood standards then you could take it to mean ‘foul, disgusting and haggish, really fat and unworthy of ever working on anything – film, TV or even radio – ever again’.

Because apparently that’s what we consider ‘normal’ is to these people.

It was around November of last year when these evil, disgusting photos emerged – around the time Jennifer had confirmed her engagement to a man who did some voice overs in Call of Duty 2. She was pictured frolicking around in a bikini, in some water, without a size 0 waist.

This was, apparently, tantamount to a war crime. The holocaust had nothing on her hips. The world of showbiz news went (quite literally) insane, but Jennie Loving Hew stuck to her guns, telling people:

“I’ve sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women’s bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I’m not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.”

The newly-appointed crusader for moral weight-related justice went on:

“A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn’t make you beautiful. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family, and like all women out there should, I love my body.”

After thankfully making it clear that she knew how much she had disgusted us all with her blubberous behind by acknowledging she ‘knew what she looked like’, she finished by saying:

“To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini – put it on and stay strong.”

Which obviously made us all vomit everywhere straight away, as the sheer thought of someone that didn’t look like a carbon copy of a stick insect brings the bile rushing up faster than we could ever hope to keep it down.

But Jennifer Love Hewitt doesn’t seem to be a woman that stands by her words, and instead it looks as if she feels that the world of the celebrity press can dictate to her how she should live her life. Appearing in some new photoshoots in some crap that’s printed, she opened up on losing 18 pounds, bringing herself back down to the stupidly skinny way she’s supposed to be. According to magazines and a moronic public.

Speaking to the press, her personal trainer responsible for making her acceptable to the human eye once more said these words:

“With her, it’s not, ‘I want to look good in that dress’. She wanted to start moving around because she thought it would make her feel better. [Jennifer] told me, ‘They said some rude, mean things, but that’s not why I wanted to change’.”

Actually, we don’t believe that. Hecklerspray believes the reason Jennifer Love Hewitt lost the weight is because of that exact reason – because some “rude”, “mean” things were said. She felt the pressure that comes with being judged by a press and public that have only ever seen you as the size 0 commodity that you are to them, and as soon as you do something with your own body that you want to do, they jump on you.

But hey, who are we to complain? As long as she still has cracking norks.

So, you know, it’s just a shame that Kenny Chesney more or less thinks that all his fans are dicks.

That’s what he’s implied, anyway – yesterday Kenny Chesney won the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award for the fourth straight year running but, because the winner was chosen by fans rather than a faceless group of industry insiders, he’s got all stroppy for it and claimed that it doesn’t count as much any more. Oh Kenny, when will you learn that it’s never smart to criticise your fans, especially when they all own shotguns and are the biological result of institutionalised pan-generational incest.

There was a time when Kenny Chesney was the man who married Renee Zellweger and then split up with her, causing people to – apparently wrongly - assume that he was gay. But not any more. Now everyone knows Kenny Chesney as the most entertaining country singer in the world.

It’s true – meet Kenny Chesney and he won’t hit you with one of those traditional country buzzkills like trying to choke you and kiss you at the same time or shooting you in the face. No, so long as the dictionary definition of the word entertaining is “making the exact same joke about the words ’shift’ and ’shit’ being quite similar nine separate times in the space of one song,” then Kenny Chesney will always be the most entertaining country singer in the world.

Kenny Chesney is on an unbelievable streak of entertainingness, too – he won the ACM Entertainer Of The Year award last year, and he won it the year before that as well. And the year before that. And he won it again at the ACM awards last night, too. That puts him on a equal footing with Garth Brooks and just one shy of the all-time record of five wins, so you’d assume that he’d be thrilled with the result.

Except he really isn’t. For the first time in ACM history. this year’s Entertainer Of The Year award was voted for by the public. You know, the people who actually buy CDs and concert tickets and are probably the best gauge of what’s entertaining and what isn’t. Some people would think that being given a prize by the public is better than being given one by a panel of industry insiders each with their own personal investments and biases, but not Kenny Chesney.

As soon as he won his ACM award last night, Kenny Chesney threw a bit of a tantrum about how he hates the public, especially those who like him enough to go out of his way to vote for him. More or less. Entertainment Weekly reports:

”The entertainer of the year trophy is supposed to represent heart and passion and an amazing amount of sacrifice, commitment, and focus,” Chesney said. “That’s the way Garth [Brooks] won it four times, that’s the way I won it, that’s the way [George] Strait won it, Reba [McEntire], Alabama all those years. That’s what it’s supposed to represent.” Chesney went on to say that the academy turned the award ”into a sweepstakes to see who can push people’s buttons the hardest on the Internet.”

Of course, as galactically stupid of him as it was to suggest that his award was devalued by the public’s involvement, he does have a point. For starters, if this award was mainly voted for by Kenny Chesney fans, then that’s proof enough that none of the voters have any taste whatsoever.

And secondly, Kenny’s right – this sort of vote is just a gimmick, and one that can be easily corrupted by one nominated act exhorting their fans to vote again and again to secure the win.

It’s a good job that Kenny Chesney doesn’t stoop to that level, which is why we’re sure the blurb on the homepage to his website reading…

Kenny Chesney is nominated for his 4th consecutive ACM Entertainer of the Year and we need all of Kenny’s fans to get out and Vote. Below are several tools to share with everyone you know to help spread the word. YOU have the power! VOTE for Kenny Chesney as ACM’s Entertainer of the Year!

…is just a typo. And also that the big ‘Vote for Kenny Chesney’ banner, the two ‘Vote For Kenny Chesney’ graphics that people can embed in their blogs, the gigantic ‘VOTE FOR KENNY CHESNEY AT THE ACM AWARDS’ headline and the four different ‘Vote For Kenny Chesney’ flyers that fans are asked to print out and actually hand to people in the street that all feature heavily at the top of his website are probably the work of bastard hackers or something.

Read more:

Kenny Chesney: Fans Shouldn’t Decide Top ACM Award  - EW

But that's not all, because the judge has decided that the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is so important that he might as well make the whole shebang public afterwards, too.

That could mean that we could get to find out the exact nature of those wife-beating claims that Heather Mills made about Paul McCartney, and who doesn't enjoy hearing harrowing claims about granny-faced old men brutally stabbing annoying amputees? Huh?

Even though you probably think that it's just an alarmingly bitter squabble between two stubborn idiots who stopped being interesting the day they either quit The Beatles or stopped posing naked for bad-haired 1980s soft porn sex guides, the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is so much more than that.

You see, now that the judge presiding over the divorce has taken things into his own hands, there's a very strong chance that Heather Mills could be the recipient of the biggest divorce settlement in British history. And if that's the case, then the judge might have to make details of the divorce public, thanks to the important legal precedent that it'll set for future divorces between wealthy prune-faced pensioners and their shrewish one-legged former porn star wives. The Telegraph reports:

A spokesman for the Judicial Communications Office said: "The Judge will hand down his judgement in private on March 17. He will then decide, having heard submissions from the parties, whether or not to make the judgement public in whole or in part. The submissions from both parties will be heard in private. "It is not unknown in high profile cases, or where the judges think the case has legal significance, for some or all of the settlement to be made public."

So it's not set in stone that the divorce details will be made public yet, and we can expect that both Heather Mills and Paul McCartney will fight tooth and nail to keep the judgement private – especially McCartney, since all the settlement offers he's allegedly offered Heather Mills have come with the stipulation that she shuts the hell up forever.

As for Heather Mills, she's probably less worried about the divorce details going public because it'll allow her to do a big television interview about Paul McCartney's alleged wifebeating, then a series of high-profile newspaper interviews about it, then write a book about it, then serialise the book, then turn the book into a film then roll out her much anticipated 'Paul McCartney Went Stabby Stabby On My Arm' range of stationery and plastic lunchboxes. We get the feeling she'd probably quite like that.

However, it might not matter that the judge plans to take the divorce details public, because if either Paul McCartney or Heather Mills chooses to disagree with the settlement they can take the divorce to the court of appeals and then the House Of Lords, which would make the details public anyway.

You're probably thinking that neither Paul McCartney or Heather Mills would have the emotional capacity to drag out this already-interminable divorce through another round of petty squabbling and media scrutiny. But then again, this is a world where Heather Mills is considered sexy. Nothing surprises us any more.

Read more:

Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills divorce details to be published – Telegraph