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This week hecklerscope has been tirelessly fiddling with the planets in order to bring you a completely accurate and not at all fictional account of what lies in store for you this week and all because in our own way, we love you.
You’re like the children we never wanted.
Ready to be dazzled and amazed? Well are you? You’d better be because reading the movements of celestial bodies is thirsty work (please send alcohol to numb this awful weight which we carry, okay?).
Now it’s time for our weekly stroll through the astrological plane in our frighteningly accurate section called Hecklerscopes.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
Your mum introduces you to your long lost identical twin. The resemblance is uncanny and all you can think is ‘Christ he’s ugly.’
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
You’ll be pleased to know that your girlfriend is NOT sleeping with her workmate. No, she’s sleeping with your workmate. Sorry.
What’s this? You’ve managed to survive another week? Congratulations! Now look, we’re the first to admit that we sometimes get it wrong. But not this week. This week, we’re bang on. Trust us. We’d never lie to you. Let’s look at what rotten luck awaits you this week. It’s your own fault for being born.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
The planets are playing a song for you …’Love is a stranger in an open car, to tempt you in and drive your far away’…sorry, not love. Abduction. We recommend staying in this week.
Once again, we’re here to bring you amazing insights into your life! Aren’t you lucky?? Well, actually no. Probably not. Were our predictions correct last week? Of course they were, we don’t just make this stuff up you know.
This is science.
You probably thought it was all mumbo-gumbo, but when did anyone ever accuse Prof. Brian Cox or Patrick Moore of mumbo-gumbists? No, like us, they are properly scientific when they stare at the stars. And so, let our gravitational pull deflect advice your miserable, miserable way.
Welcome to 2012 you losers!! Think this year is going to somehow be better for you because you made some pitiful resolutions about being less onanistic and getting a real job? Pfft. Unlikely.
We’ve been staring into the new crystal ball we got for Christmas, conversing with the stars and even dancing with tears in our eyes, just to bring you a completely accurate and poorly written insight into your miserable lives.
Ready? Hit the jump!
It’s time for hecklerspray psychic and astrologer person Joanna Bolouri to guide you through the next week and possibly ruin it entirely. She doesn’t care. Nope. Not even a little bit.
Think the planets care either? Really? Do you think that the planets care one jot about you and your life?
Wrong again.
Look. LOOK AT THE STARS! They’re all twinkly and that. THEY KNOW THINGS ABOUT YOU!!!
Yes they do. And they tell us things in our brains which we write down and tell you.
Just as well, as we know nothing except that Jack Daniels and coke turns you into a brilliant dancer and that you’re all going to have a hideous week with no-one to blame but yourselves. Okay? Good. Now let’s see what your horoscopes say.
“hecklersprayers, I’m getting a man. He’s got blondey-brown hair with a reddy tinge and he might wear glasses? Or shoes? His name begins with a D…no? An S? Still no-one? T? Ah yes. Is it Terry? Tommy you say. He says that he’s sorry and that he’s forgiven you.”
Which is the cue for the audience member to burst into tears and hail Sally Morgan as some modern day Jesus, except with a few more pounds in her bank account. He knows it’s not about the money, money, money. It’s all about the kick ass robes.
Which is what it’s been for years now. Sally Morgan has steadfastly made a name for herself as being an authentic psychic, even though there’s not really such a thing; Spreading messages from beyond the grave to bored housewives, people who should know better and professional vagina-heads Katie Price and Diana, Princess of Hearts (may she rest in peace… or, y’know, pestered by psychics in the afterlife).
