You’ve got two choices – there’s Christie Brinkley, the former supermodel who looks like she spends her weekends baking cooking and making fresh lemonade; and then there’s Peter Cook, a man who pays thousands of dollars each month to waggle his pee-pee around on the internet.

You’d probably wait for professional psychiatric advice before making a decision, wouldn’t you? Well, fear not – a psychiatrist has taken the stand at the Christie Brinkley divorce, and he’s called Peter Cook an ‘insatiable narcissist’. Peter Cook would have denied this claim, but he was too busy tenderly licking his own reflection in a mirror to pay attention to anything that was being said at the time.

We’ve been doing our best to keep track of the Christie Brinkley divorce, we really have, but it’s been hard. This is partly because we don’t really care about Christie Brinkley, but mostly because the structure’s all out of whack.

Seriously, if your opening day argument is going to be about how Peter Cook spends $3,000 a month on internet pornography, then you’d better be able to top that on following days. Unless you’ve discovered that Peter Cook was once filmed having sex with an octopus or something, people are only going to focus on the porn thing. Or maybe that’s just us.

Anyway, what the Christie Brinkley divorce needed was a softly-spoken professional to cut through all the accusations with a precise assessment of exactly why you’ll forever be unable to shake Peter Cook’s hand without imagining him using it to thrash away at his middle-aged pecker in front of a pixelised image of a vagina he’s paid hundreds of dollars to see.

And yesterday that’s what it got, in the guise of Dr. Stephen Herman, a New York psychiatrist employed by the court to analyse Peter Cook, Christie Brinkley and their two children. Newsday reports:

“Mr. Cook is characterologically a narcissist,” said Dr. Stephen Herman. “While most people need a feeding for their egos, Mr. Cook has an insatiable appetite.” … Herman said Cook most likely endangered his children if they were exposed to his pornography or illicit relationships.

Endangered? Hah, he calls himself a psychiatrist? He knows nothing – there isn’t a man on the face of the planet who can’t say that he didn’t learn everything worth knowing about sex from the VHS copy of Murder On The Orient Sexpress that he found in a shoebox at the bottom of his Dad’s wardrobe when he was 12. That did happen to all men, right? Good, that’s what we thought.

However, Peter Cook isn’t the only one who needs therapy, according to Dr Herman. Christie Brinkley should also get her brain looked at because she’s controlling and she keeps marrying idiots, he said, plus the kids may as well get counselling as well.

After all, it’s never particularly easy to be a child whose parents are going through a messy divorce at the best of times, so imagine how it feels to be a child whose parents are going through a divorce and who can barely sleep at night thanks to the distracting sound of their father constantly slapping his erect penis around to internet porn in the next room.

Or a child whose parents are going through a divorce and who can barely sleep at night thanks to the distracting sound of their father constantly slapping his erect penis around to internet porn in the next room who occasionally has to visit Billy Joel. Lord, it doesn’t bear thinking about.