Kanye West is a man so needy that it actually makes the planet we stand on wince. That said, it is kinda fun to have this celebrity waltzing around with ideas that he’s the next Picasso rather than the standard fodder of self aggrandising rapper from the streets chat.

As such, Kanye is always keen to point out to everyone that he does things a little different. He’s a real curate’s egg of a man.

And he took himself down to by With The People and protestors at the Occupy Wall Street movement in New York City this week. And there, he showcased the classic ‘I’m not doing any interviews, to promote myself’ thing.

Ye strolled up with Russell Simmons (Def Jam founder, if you didn’t know) and must’ve thought how wonderful it was for him to be there. A musician with a conscience. Like Joan Baez. Like Bono. Those saintly guys. But he’s a rapper. A global brand with a heart.

How splendid it must be to feel that in your soul… and believe it.

And so, surrounded by the great-unwashed with their dreadlocks and signs, Kanye did what any smart musician would do an kept his mouth firmly shut (for once).

It appears that West didn’t want to get into the tricky topics surrounding the world’s finances for fear of looking stupid. Let us not forget that his diamond encrusted gob has got him into trouble in the past. Remember when he said that George Dubya Bush hated black people? Remember that?

And so, as this video shows, he basically just stands there, looking gormless. Whaddaguy!

And after he’d finished protesting against Wall Street bailouts to financial greed, what did the gold-grilled Kanye do? Why, he did what any right-minded protester who hates all that unshared wealth would do!

He attended the ‘CULO by Mazzucco’ book and art exhibition launch after-party held at NYC’s Darby Restaurant and slurped Beau Joie champagne where he talked about his exclusive fashion line that he’s launching in Paris.

Shall we all join together in a solidarity fist?

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Although in 1995 India was a barren wasteland where nothing had ever lived, by 1996 billions of bums had moved in and turned it into a sort of poverty-themed Disneyland.

Tourists love it – and it’s the perfect setting for that Slum Dog Millionaire movie, don’t you think? You don’t think so? Well you’re not alone – all homeless Indian denigrates agree with you wholeheartedly. Enough so that they’re currently picketing outside the home of one of the film’s stars for a big budget name-change or something.

In the movie Slumdog Millionaire, there’s a scene towards the end where the entire cast gets accidentally axed to death by a blind fireman. He’s later found guilty of something or other, and gets hanged by the neck from the Mayor’s crystal chandelier. It’s a tragedy, really. Not as good of a tragedy as we would write, mind you, but a tragedy just the same. We figure that’s why people like it so much.

The western world has always welcomed cinematic sadness with open arms – think about it. That movie where the girl boxer dies on a stool or something – all countries first-world and up actually changed their constitutions to force every single person to have to watch it, by law, on their 18th birthday. Penalty for not doing so is a class c misdemeanor. It truly was great for ticket sales.

And every single movie Ben Stiller ever made – they’re all incredibly tragic. It’s a different kind of tragic, mind you, but still, they’ve made so much money that some African governments literally had to print more.

We meant ‘almost’ literally.

You know who hates tragic movies though? Poverty-stricken East Indians. They hate ‘em. Especially when they’re set in India, and the title of the movie calls their entire financial underclass ‘dogs.’ We’re talking about that insensitive Slumdog Millionaire movie. The natives in India have even been riled enough to stage protests outside the homes of at least one of the film’s actors.

You don’t believe us? Well then, believe the Associated Press:

“Several dozen Mumbai slum residents protested the award-winning film “Slumdog Millionaire” on Thursday, calling the film’s title insulting. The protest came amid mounting excitement in India _ where the movie is set and home to many of its actors _ ahead of Academy Award nominations later Thursday…”I am poor, but don’t call me slumdog,” said Rekha Dhamji, 18, one of about two dozen slum residents who protested outside the home of one of the movie’s actors, Anil Kapoor. “I don’t want to be referred to as a dog,” she said. Other protesters held up banners reading “Poverty For Sale,” and “I am not a dog.” One of them carried a puppy.”

Funny they have such a problem being called dogs when once a year or so they make all their daughters marry one. It’s true – follow the link and see. The lesson learned there is that although dogs do make excellent, caring and attentive spouses, they are still socially several steps below the extremely poor.

This makes those marriages rather tough. Imagine for a second what it would be like to be married to something so wonderful, and yet be forbidden by law from looking it in the eye.

That’s not a life most are willing to lead. Not when you’re madly in love with a cocker spaniel the way we are and always have been since we first saw Foofy in a rich man’s backyard.

We’ll always have Alpo, Foofy, We’ll always have Alpo.

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Being blind must be horrible – as well as being constantly vulnerable, you’d never be able to experience the delight of 2 Girls 1 Cup.

What’s more, people think they can make movies about you and just get away with it. Well they can’t. The National Federation Of The Blind in America is planning to protest the release of new movie Blindness because of what it claims is its unfair portrayal of the blind.

Upset by these accusations, Miramax – the studio behind Blindness – has agreed to make some changes to the movie prior to its release. Unfortunately for the blind, these changes include the insertion of a 10-minute sequence featuring the legend ‘ALL BLIND PEOPLE ARE RUBBISH’ and the entire cast of Blindness all dancing around silently, pulling spaz faces and getting their bums out.

It’s never easy when groups you belong to are vilified in the movies. When the Jodie Foster movie Flight Plan was released it got no end of abuse from flight attendants, all furious that the movie had portrayed them in an inaccurate way.

And who can forget that time when the release of Silence Of The Lambs was met with protests by groups of psychologically-damaged transsexual murderers intent on making suits out of their victims’ skin? Talk about an unfair depiction!

And now the latest group to get its knickers in a twist over how they’re being represented by Hollywood is America’s National Federation Of The Blind. It’s angry at the forthcoming Julianne Moore movie Blindness, because it uses the concept of blindness as a Nobel Prize-winning metaphor for society’s lack of communication and the indomitable nature of the human spirit in the face of seemingly insurmountable vicissitudes. The wankers.

Marc Maurer, president of the NFB, told BBC News:

“The movie portrays blind people as monsters and I believe it to be a lie. The NFB condemns and deplores this film, which will do substantial harm to the blind of America and the world… Blind people in this film are portrayed as incompetent, filthy, vicious, and depraved. They are unable to do even the simplest things like dressing, bathing, and finding the bathroom.”

Marc Maurer only believes it to be a lie that blind people are monsters? Because, you know, we were hoping he’d be a little bit more certain about that. We believe that bumblebees carry guns, but it doesn’t neccesarily mean it’s true. Is he saying that blind people really are monsters, then? Because if they are, that’s the last time we give our seat up for one of them on the bus. Blind people can piss off if they’re monsters.

Anyway, so upset are the blind about being used as a literary device for spiritual pain thay they plan to mobilise as many protesters as possible at 75 cinemas across America when Blindness is released. That’ll be a nightmare. Think of all the dogshit.

Actually, we can understand the National Federation Of The Blind’s concern over Blindness. After all, they have a vested interest in all movies about the lack of visual perception and, even though it might not be directly about them, Blindness does give them a forum to discuss issues that affect them on a day to day basis in public.

Plus Blindness is a Julianne Moore film, so you’re almost guaranteed to see minge at one point or another, and the blind are probably pissed off about missing out as well.

Anyway, we’ve found the perfect solution to this problem that should leave everyone happy. Change the D in the title to a G. Bingo! Blingness – a movie about how wearing lots of jewellery is a metaphor for society’s lack of communication and the indomitable nature of the human spirit in the face of seemingly insurmountable vicissitudes. Nobody would complain about that, would they? Well, apart from rappers, obviously. But they seem like a nice enough bunch.

Anticipation was high for Katie Holmes’ Broadway debut last night – it means that Maggie Gyllenhaal will soon take her role and everyone’ll like the play better.

However, Katie Holmes must have also been fairly excited ahead of her debut in All My Sons – not only would it teach her critics once and for all that she was an actress to contend with, but it’d also give her plenty of chances to blink out ‘HELP ME HELP ME HE KEEPS ME LOCKED IN A CAGE HELP ME’ in Morse code to a room of understanding strangers every night.

But, of course, Katie Holmes’ Broadway debut was also exciting for the members of anti-Scientology group Anonymous, who decided to bring down Scientology once and for all by getting about 20 people to stand outside the theatre holding some signs in a sort of semi-apologetic way. Yeah, take that, Scientology.

It’s hard to think of Katie Holmes as an actress these days, much less the actress who was once in Dawson’s Creek. Maybe that’s because she’s single-handedly been the worst thing in the – already mostly pretty terrible – films that she’s starred in lately, or maybe it’s because she seems to have given up acting for a life of glumly trudging three paces behind Tom Cruise with a weird boy’s haircut and her boobs taped down.

But either way, Katie Holmes recently realised that she needed to reassert her acting credentials and – having formally submitted the appropriate forms in triplicate to Tom Cruise’s Fresh Air Allowance clerk beforehand – was granted the temporary right to leave her hermetic dungeon on a regular basis to go and act in an Arthur Miller play.

It seemed so perfect at the time – nothing shows the public that an actor is serious about their craft like starring in an Arthur Miller play, the superb cast could take the strain if Katie Holmes ended up blowing, and Katie would get a few hours away from Tom Cruise marching up and down in his little Nazi eyepatch every night.

However, Katie Holmes hadn’t accounted for one thing – the thousands and thousands of anti-Scientologist protesters who’d blight her every move. Anonymous had long threatened to protest outside the opening night of All My Sons last night and, boy oh boy, did they ever come out in force to pour scorn on the Scientologists.

No, really, did they? Hardly any protesters turned up, you see, and we’re not sure if that was enough to pour scorn on anything, really. Especially if they keep excusing themselves as feebly as E! Online reports that they did:

More than two dozen protesters from the anti-Scientology group Anonymous joined the throng Thursday outside New York’s Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre. “We are not boycotting Katie, we are not boycotting the play, we are protesting Scientology,” a member of the group shouted. “It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”

That’s it? A couple of people dressed up like Agent Smith in V For Vendetta comparing Scientology to Buffalo Bill from The Silence Of The Lambs? Why not go the whole hog and say that Scientology dances around to Goodbye Horses with its pecker tucked between its legs to make it look more like a lady? Huh? Huh, Anonymous? Why don’t you do that next time, yeah?

We’re just a little bitter because it seems like such a wasted opportunity for a protest. Diversify or die, that’s the way to go. Stand around with a couple of placards forever and you’ll end up like the bloke who stands outside the Houses Of Parliament with the display about the Iraq war that everyone pretends they can’t see. And what’s the point of that?

We just thought that the protest against Katie Holmes and Scientology was a bit artless. Why stand around outside shouting when you could gather everyone together, make them buy tickets for a performance of All My Sons and then silently sit in the theatre so that Katie Holmes has to perform to nothing but an unresponsive wall of V For Vendetta masks?

We’re just saying…