For all the misery that Charlie Sheen has put us through since his wheeze of Being A Nutter got tired, we’ve all been waiting for some comeback. We kinda hoped he’d OD on bad drugs surrounded by prostitutes rifling his pockets, but alas, it wasn’t to be.

In fact, since Chuck Sheeno knocked the drugs on the head, the best he’s offered is a stupid custody case which is less interesting as watching nana trying to work a television remote.

However, we might get to see his uncomfortable face grinning while he masks the stabbing pain of being torn eight new arseholes as it transpires he’ll be subject to one of those fine American institutions – The Comedy Roast.

Of course, this will be Sheen’s first proper appearance on the idiot lantern since CBS hilariously fired him from the laugh-vacuum that is Two and a Half Men. Interestingly enough, the roasted on Comedy Central will air at the same time the new series of Two and a Half Men kicks off, starring the equally laughless Ashton Kutcher.

Sheen says, with his trademark lack of irony:

“You could say I’ve been providing kindling for this roast for a while. It’s time to light it up. It’s going to be epic.”

Naturally, his stupid life is comedy gold for any comedian who wants to crush someone’s spirit right before our very eyes. There’s drugs, legal troubles, punching chandeliers, his haggard face, making porn stars cry, infidelity, his lack of career and absence of talent to have a pop at. Better still, in an attempt to seem ‘cool with it all’, Sheen will invariably encourage the comedians to go all in, saying that nothing is off limits.

We hope someone goes for the whole ‘Overcompensating for a small dick’ skit at some point. Lazy as hell, sure, but it’ll wound him and he’ll probably start crying before getting it out before everyone while the hall echoes with mocking laughter.

However, there’s already trouble brewing. Sources close to Sheen’s ex, Brooke Mueller, say that she wants her name “completely off-limits” when The Warlock gets roasted to within an inch of his life. And she could well be backed up by the law on this.

In the divorce settlement, Charlie has promised to never publicly discuss her drug use… which of course, he won’t stop because he’s a thoughtless, attention-seeking, emotional-cripple.

This is going to be so toe-curling that the whole world may end up with a clubfoot.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

In Victorian times, a lady flashing just her ankles as she walked down the cobbled streets would send men and closet lesbians in to a wild frenzy. As time evolved, so did the styling of female clothing seen on a Friday or Saturday night. Off went the figure hiding gowns and flowing full length dresses. Out came hot pants, boob-tubes and not a lot else.

According to our calculations, you’ll just need to visit Newcastle city centre in 2017 to see its inhabitants literally wearing takeaway menus to cover their bits and bobs.

So what’s the problem? Those observing people who choose to reveal a lot of flesh instantly label them as whores and slags, which of course, isn’t always the case. However, the Girls Aloud PR team will be trying to rebut such slurs as an early shot of the band has been picked up by none other than a Russian escort website.

Frankly, we’re appalled by the offending image (which you can see here). None of the members of Girls Aloud look remotely Russian. Yes, they do give off the impression that for a packet of chips and a blue WKD they’d perform a sex act on you behind a bin, but that’s beside the point.

Thanks to years of moulding, the original rough five piece have been transformed in to role models for scores of young women around the UK. Especially Nicole Roberts who is literally the most famous ginger person we can think off. Apart from that one from Harry Potter.

The Babylon Moscow Escort Agency must have split several pairs of pants as their perverted erections almost smashed through the computer screen. If wet-dreams could be created for agency’s looking to capture lonely desperate men with money to burn, then this picture must have been gold for them. Sarah Harding in particular seems to have baps that never seem to end where Nadine Coyle appears to have been dressed by a stylist who was either on work experience or just stopped caring.

No doubt that five successful women won’t want to be the face of a Moscow escort agency. Especially when all five members have flourishing careers still ahead of them, however, part of us believe it would be a better move than selling your soul and advertising woeful supermarket junkfood like Kerry Katona. Obviously, an anonymous source was at hand to tell The Daily Mirror:

“It’s an embarrassingly old picture of the girls, so the company figured they might get away with using it. But they failed to warn the band’s record label they were using it and, theoretically, could get sued.”

Suffice to say, if a career as an escort ever did happen then we’re sure they’d all be Love Machines. Oh Christ, we’ve become everything we didn’t ever want to be. Cheesy pun writers [speak for yourself! - Ed.].

It’s not like Cheryl Cole has the XXX-Factor at all. Just ask her ex-husband why he (allegedly) sent pictures of his knob to other women.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Of all the celebrities in the known universe, Kerry Katona has to be one of the most gaspingly awful. She couldn’t really sing, can’t really muster up the acting talent to get through an Iceland commercial and is only ever on the radar elsewhere when she’s making a mess of her life.

There is, naturally, a human under all this, but that shouldn’t stop us from being idiotically nasty about her because basically, that’s our job… just as hers is to provide us all with the ammo to throw back at her.

And so, what’s she up to now? Well, she’s actively encouraging us to sharpen our arrows and prime our slings as she’s ranted and spat about Wayne Rooney’s alleged infidelity with a prostitute, dubbing it “absolutely disgusting”.

In fairness to Katona, she is right when she says that Wayne Rooney’s sexing of a lady of the night is disgusting. However, any sexual activity involving simiantastic Rooney is going to be disgusting. Imagine him bearing down on you, grunting like a pig in a sack, beads of swear running down his sloped brow as he tries to form rudimentary words while pawing at your flesh.

Chilling.

Katona, however, speaking in her OK! column, is saying that she’s sympathising with Coleen but wouldn’t allow herself to remain in a relationship in those circumstances.

She said:

“It’s absolutely disgusting what Wayne Rooney has allegedly been up to.

“It’s really hard for Coleen because they’ve got a kid and that family brand but you shouldn’t put up with that.”

She added:

“I couldn’t tell her to leave him – she’s madly in love with him and they have a child – but you’ve got to have respect for yourself because if you don’t, no-one else will.

“I’d rather be happy and single and respect myself than be in a miserable marriage where you get walked all over and put up with so much.

“I want a better life for my kids. That’s why I walked away.”

That’s all well and good Kerry, but wanting better for your kids is a bit rich, seeing as you’ve been widely criticised for smoking and boozing during your pregnancies. Not to mention those dodgy snaps that appeared in one tabloid that suggested you had huge bags of coke lying about the house at a particularly child-friendly height.

Although, that all said, Katona could force the legs of her children through a wood chipper and it still wouldn’t be as disgusting as Wayne Rooney having sex.

Nope. You’re right Kerry. As you were.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

10 - 100 movie spoilers in four minutes, as read by some idiots…

9 - Good things to do with lightning – I09

8 - The Cruises and the Beckhams continue their festive turd-off – Popsugar

7 - Some fools decide that the title Tron 2 doesn’t sound enough like the name of a trashy celebrity website. Changes are made accordingly – Cinemablend

6 - A picture of a big bird, anyone? OK – Flickr

5 - The MySpace page of a hecklerspray reader who we accidentally insulted in print yesterday - MySpace

4 - Christmas presents for the man you feel convention-bound to spend a fortune on, even though your hectic work schedule means you never see him enough to know what he actually wants – Esquire

3 - 26 mugshots of 26 prostitutes. 26 different versions of the anti-Piper - Thejebbica

2 - The Simpsons suddenly gets good again, and all at Apple’s expense – Engadget

1 - Britney‘s X Factor appearance. deconstructed – Popjustice

Footballers often come in for a lot of criticism because they earn obscene amounts of money and are all dumber than dust.

But not all footballers fit this stereotype. Look at Brazilian football ace Ronaldo, for example – sure, he’s neck-deep in cash from playing for AC Milan, but you can’t call him stupid. Why, earlier this week Ronaldo displayed his dazzling intellect by picking up three prostitutes as soon as his girlfriend had turned his back. Three prostitutes that turned out to be men. But just because Ronaldo can’t tell the difference between men and women, it doesn’t mean that he’s stupid.

Oh, who are we kidding, yes it does. It means Ronaldo is probably the most dribblingly stupid cack-brained single-digit-IQed crosseyed dunderhead ever to pull a radio to pieces to see where the little talking men are hiding. Probably.

It’s a good week to be a footballer. Already David Beckham has appeared on Sesame Street, where he was able to teach children about the importance of persistence in a well-meaning and sincere way, and now Brazilian World Cup winner Ronaldo has almost shagged a load of transvestite prostitutes – which is so similar to the Sesame Street thing that we almost didn’t report it, to be honest.

On Monday night, for whatever reason, Ronaldo said goodnight to his girlfriend, picked up three Rio de Janeiro prostitutes and took them back to his hotel room for an evening of fun. However, it turns out that the evening was less ‘sexy’ fun and more ‘Mummy, why does the lady have a pee-pee?’ fun. Turns out that all three prostitutes were transvestites.

And they weren’t the good type of transvestite prostitutes, either – boys, you know what we mean here, right? Right? Boys? Anyone? Hello? – but the type of transvestite prostitutes who’ll apparently try to extort anyone gormless enough not to see their giant hands and fist-sized adam’s apples and figure out that they’re very obviously men. BBC News reports:

Local press reports quoted one of the prostitutes, Andreia Albertine – otherwise known as Andre Luiz Ribeiro Albertino – as saying that Ronaldo had threatened to hit him, on discovering that he was a transvestite. Ronaldo “reported that Andreia had taken his car documents and demanded $30,000 [£15,000]“, said Rio police superintendent Carlos Augusto Nogueira. He added: “Ronaldo admits the facts. He said he just wanted to amuse himself, that’s not a crime. To pay to have sexual relations isn’t illegal, There’s a strong chance that Ronaldo has been the victim of extortion.”

What an embarrassing pickle for Ronaldo to be in – cheating on his girlfriend, unable to tell the basic difference between a male and a female and outwitted by a gang of blokes who dress up as women and shag men for cash. Usually men can only manage two out of those three during a night out at best.

Surely that’s Ronaldo’s reputation blown forever now. Surely Ronaldo must understand that this is far more interesting that anything he’s ever done on a football pitch and that his gravestone will now probably read ‘Here lies Ronaldo, he was a footballer or something but remember that time he tried to shag three transvestite prostitutes? Ha ha ha, that was funny. They were men. Men! What a giant spaz’. Admittedly it’ll be a big gravestone.

So what can Ronaldo possibly do to recover from this scandal? Well, he could look at the other celebrities who have been caught with transvestite prostitutes in the past and copt their tactics. Although, to be fair, that would involve Ronaldo making a rubbish Brazilian version of Norbit. And he’s probably already suffered enough for that.

Read more:

Ronaldo in transvestite scandal – BBC