9 - Good things to do with lightning – I09

8 - The Cruises and the Beckhams continue their festive turd-off – Popsugar

7 - Some fools decide that the title Tron 2 doesn’t sound enough like the name of a trashy celebrity website. Changes are made accordingly – Cinemablend

6 - A picture of a big bird, anyone? OK – Flickr

5 - The MySpace page of a hecklerspray reader who we accidentally insulted in print yesterday - MySpace

4 - Christmas presents for the man you feel convention-bound to spend a fortune on, even though your hectic work schedule means you never see him enough to know what he actually wants – Esquire

3 - 26 mugshots of 26 prostitutes. 26 different versions of the anti-Piper - Thejebbica

2 - The Simpsons suddenly gets good again, and all at Apple’s expense – Engadget

1 - Britney’s X Factor appearance. deconstructed – Popjustice

But not all footballers fit this stereotype. Look at Brazilian football ace Ronaldo, for example – sure, he’s neck-deep in cash from playing for AC Milan, but you can’t call him stupid. Why, earlier this week Ronaldo displayed his dazzling intellect by picking up three prostitutes as soon as his girlfriend had turned his back. Three prostitutes that turned out to be men. But just because Ronaldo can’t tell the difference between men and women, it doesn’t mean that he’s stupid.

Oh, who are we kidding, yes it does. It means Ronaldo is probably the most dribblingly stupid cack-brained single-digit-IQed crosseyed dunderhead ever to pull a radio to pieces to see where the little talking men are hiding. Probably.

It’s a good week to be a footballer. Already David Beckham has appeared on Sesame Street, where he was able to teach children about the importance of persistence in a well-meaning and sincere way, and now Brazilian World Cup winner Ronaldo has almost shagged a load of transvestite prostitutes – which is so similar to the Sesame Street thing that we almost didn’t report it, to be honest.

On Monday night, for whatever reason, Ronaldo said goodnight to his girlfriend, picked up three Rio de Janeiro prostitutes and took them back to his hotel room for an evening of fun. However, it turns out that the evening was less ’sexy’ fun and more ‘Mummy, why does the lady have a pee-pee?’ fun. Turns out that all three prostitutes were transvestites.

And they weren’t the good type of transvestite prostitutes, either – boys, you know what we mean here, right? Right? Boys? Anyone? Hello? – but the type of transvestite prostitutes who’ll apparently try to extort anyone gormless enough not to see their giant hands and fist-sized adam’s apples and figure out that they’re very obviously men. BBC News reports:

Local press reports quoted one of the prostitutes, Andreia Albertine – otherwise known as Andre Luiz Ribeiro Albertino – as saying that Ronaldo had threatened to hit him, on discovering that he was a transvestite. Ronaldo “reported that Andreia had taken his car documents and demanded $30,000 [£15,000]“, said Rio police superintendent Carlos Augusto Nogueira. He added: “Ronaldo admits the facts. He said he just wanted to amuse himself, that’s not a crime. To pay to have sexual relations isn’t illegal, There’s a strong chance that Ronaldo has been the victim of extortion.”

What an embarrassing pickle for Ronaldo to be in – cheating on his girlfriend, unable to tell the basic difference between a male and a female and outwitted by a gang of blokes who dress up as women and shag men for cash. Usually men can only manage two out of those three during a night out at best.

Surely that’s Ronaldo’s reputation blown forever now. Surely Ronaldo must understand that this is far more interesting that anything he’s ever done on a football pitch and that his gravestone will now probably read ‘Here lies Ronaldo, he was a footballer or something but remember that time he tried to shag three transvestite prostitutes? Ha ha ha, that was funny. They were men. Men! What a giant spaz’. Admittedly it’ll be a big gravestone.

So what can Ronaldo possibly do to recover from this scandal? Well, he could look at the other celebrities who have been caught with transvestite prostitutes in the past and copt their tactics. Although, to be fair, that would involve Ronaldo making a rubbish Brazilian version of Norbit. And he’s probably already suffered enough for that.

Read more:

Ronaldo in transvestite scandal – BBC