programme - HecklerSpray

Susan Boyle Wants To Touch Your Boyparts

October 13th, 2011 By Robin Darke

Dear hecklersprayers, this article contains information that may ruin your appetite and could even inflict some serious mental damage, distrust of the female nether-parts up to and including the Predator?s face.

Right, with that legal stuff out the way, it's bad news for all straight men and gay women out there. Susan Boyle is on the look for a suitable mate.

We can't actually bring ourselves to speak of the hairiest winner of Britain?s Got Talent in a sexual light. It just seems very, very wrong. Like how you wouldn't want to know about your grandparent?s sex life, or how your mother explains the first time you find a condom in their bedroom. An uneasy, topsy turvy feeling in your stomach makes you want to vomit enough bile to make Example think ?Jeez, they're being a bit harsh.?

Susan Boyle Does Depeche Mode Cover, Which Will Irritate You No Doubt

September 19th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Remember when we all laughed at Susan Boyle because she had a funny face? Then she started singing and everyone said in unison; ‘Wow, you can have a funny face AND sing! Who knew?!’ Remember?

Then, when the initial shock of Boyle’s voice ebbed away, everyone went back to pointing and laughing at her. Remember that?

Well, she’s going to turn that hooting mockery into hatred from Depeche Mode fans. That’s because a) Depeche Mode fans are some of the weirdest, most dedicated, joyless nutters you’ll ever meet and b) Susan Boyle has recorded a cover version of a Depeche Mode song.

Channel 4 To Show You How To Take Drugs, For Educational Purposes Of Course

May 12th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

It's well known that the film industry has been long running out of ideas. Searching for an original piece of work is as rare as finding something nutritious in a fast food joint. All we seem to get in the cinema are adaptations of books, remakes of classic pieces of films from the past, pointless sequels and making a mockery of Asian flicks with poor Western copies.

Has TV suffered a similar lapse in quality over the years? Broadcasters such as ITV can only really count X-Factor as the content people watch and the BBC still charge us a fortune so we can watch repeats of Dads Army.

Then of course there are reality shows where we see so called famous people skid on ice and getting bitten by jungle creatures. But do those shows really reflect modern life? After Channel 4 stopped flogging Big Brother, they've decided to focus on issues that are closer to home, such as drugs. All in the name of ?science? we?ll get to see some people taking all sorts of substances.

Susan Boyle Replica Waxwork Gargoyle Constructed In Her Honour

April 20th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Susan Boyle may well be known partially for her angelic singing ability, but really, we’re more interested in her crazy antics. She’s like Michael Jackson, only without the crazed fans, dance moves and court appearances.

And now, it is that time of year when your obese uncle visits because he's eaten his own cupboards bare, Britain?s Got Talent has rolled round to gnaw away the ITV schedule.

So it seems only fitting that Susan Boyle gets a waxwork replica dedicated to her in the world's most cruddy museum chain, Madame Tussauds. This way, the PR behind Britain?s Got Talent can revert to a former success story when the UK public realise that this year?s so called crop of talent is a load of drivel.

Peaches Geldof Likes Reading Negative Things About Herself

April 13th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

If Peaches Geldof wasn?t the daughter of a moaning old rocker who pretty much called us pricks for not giving to charity, she’d be the sort of girl you'd see tapping furiously on a laptop in Starbucks all day and blabbing loudly on Skype.

With a face resembling curdled milk, she always looks like a combination of someone surprised and zoned out. Either everything is a surprise to her, or she takes a lot of ketamine.

Every time she appears in the news, we don't get to hear of any great deeds she's done for charity. Instead, she's either off her chops on drugs, accused of stealing clothes or having relationship issues. Basically, she's just a piss poor UK version of marriage mentalist Britney Spears and jewellery pincher Lindsay Lohan. For reasons unbeknown to us, Peaches Geldof keeps on getting TV work, with ITV2 giving her a ghastly show called OMG! With Peaches Geldof.