As well you know, Jennifer Lopez split up with her fella, Marc Anthony recently, and everyone was so shocked that the UN set up a helpline to stop us all from committing suicide in the streets. It really was an awful time.

It’s about to get worse.

See, Marc Anthony is not happy to just break one celebrity marriage now that he’s been reported to be “inappropriately close” to Jada Pinkett Smith – or, if you prefer, Will Smith’s wife. Oooooooh. Don’t mess with lovely Will Smith.

Apparently, during the filming of their television show HawthoRNe (nope, us neither), everyone spied on them before saying that they were acting very affectionately towards each other.

Almost too affectionate.

Some source from the set says (don’t try saying that if you’ve got a lisp):

“They were a little touchy and like they were in their own little world.”

It appears that these two adults spend time in Anthony’s trailer. Not only that, they ‘frequently talked’ and, worse still, ‘texted’ each other. Why, they may as well have full sex in-front of everyone the filthy buggers.

Of course, this has prompted reports that Will Smith and Jada have separated after 13 years of marriage.

In a joint statement, whipping their hair back and forth, they said:

“Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumours circulating about our relationship are completely false”

“We are still together, and our marriage is intact.”

And then Carlton did a funny dance for everyone while everyone dreamed of having sex with Will Smith, grabbing hold of his large ears while riding him like a stolen moped.

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The best ears in rap are coming back! Yep, you guessed it, Will Smith is to return to the mic to show those odiously gifted children of his how it should be done. No mucking about with Bieber, no whipping of hair. It’s all about making the friendliest hip hop since DJ Sven and MC Miker G.

Apparently, he’ll be working with someone called La Mar ‘Mars’ Edwards.

We can be thankful that didn’t read Bruno Mars who has the distinction of being the most punchable person on planet Earth right now. We’d like to punch Bruno Mars so hard that all that is left of him is a horrible little stain on our knuckles. But we’re talking about the lovable eared Will Smith. Aww. Ain’t he grand?

Not Bruno Mars told XXLMag.com:

“We’re working on Will Smith, bringing him back. That’s actually him on the other line right now.”

Imagine that! Imagine having Will Smith on the other line right now. How wonderful that must be to feel so important that you can stick him on hold so you can crow about having him on hold to other, less important people.

Of course, you’ll need no reminding that Will Smith has had a whole bunch of hits in our music parades, such as ‘Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It’, ‘Wild Wild West’, ‘Summertime’, ‘Wu Tang Clan Ain’t Nuttin’ Ta Fuck Wit”, ‘Copkiller’, ‘Penny Lane’, ‘Enter The Sandman’ and, of course, ‘U.G.L.Y.’

So what can we expect from this new LP? Well, if he freestyles, it might actually be rather good. No, honest.

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When it comes to starring in movies that are essentially about 50 Cent, 50 Cent is probably in the top 20 or so.

But 50 Cent is tired of only starring in awful, third-rate movies that only idiots like. So he’s decided to branch out and start producing awful, third-rate movies that only idiots like as well. Think that’s as bad as it gets? Don’t – because 50 Cent’s first movie is going to star Nicolas Cage.

Kanye West, if you’re reading this, please start producing movies too. That way they can be more successful than 50 Cent’s and he can retire from that as well. Thanks.

Although he’s primarily known for being a rapper, 50 Cent has also carved out a nifty side-career as a Hollywood star with a highly enviable slate of movies to his name. For instance, there was Get Rich Or Die Tryin’, the semi-autobiographical movie where 50 Cent unfortunately ended up getting rich.

And how many other rappers have co-starred in movies that have almost killed the careers of both Robert De Niro and Al Pacino? No, 50 Cent has got plenty to be proud of.

But ever since Kanye West sold more records than him and forced his retirement from music, 50 Cent has been at a bit of a loss of things to do. Sure, he’s tried his hand at other activities – like printing books, spending more time with his amusingly-named children and suing fast-food outlets for the hell of it – but none of these have filled the aching gap in his soul left by music.

So 50 Cent is now having a crack at something else – producing movies. It’s basically the same as being a rapper – you get to drive a big car, get shitfaced on drugs, surround yourself with booby models and have underground Eight Mile-style produce-offs with other aspiring – except you can hang around with Nicolas Cage without worrying that he’ll ask to pop a guest verse on your next single.

Which is exactly what 50 Cent has done, come to think of it. BBC News reports:

The rapper-turned-actor unveiled his plans for Cheetah Vision at the Sundance Film Festival in Utah. 50 Cent, whose real name is Curtis Jackson, said his new company had already bought eight scripts. He told Reuters the first to be produced would be The Dance, starring himself and Nicolas Cage. Jackson said: “He (Cage) plays the founder of a boxing program, and I play a fighter who goes to state prison.”

Wow, The Dance, huh? Nicolas Cage, huh? Why, that sounds awfully like The Dance, the 50 Cent/ Nicolas Cage movie that we wrote about almost three years ago. 50 Cent must have seen something really special in that movie, to offer to produce it himself after it was kept in development hell for so long.

And we’d agree with him, too. It might not be easy for 50 Cent to get by in an industry he has no real experience of but, with a bit of time and a whole lot of effort, he might just make The Dance the worst Nicolas Cage movie ever. Here’s hoping.

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When hecklerspray met the love of its life, it gently released her from the giant steel bear trap that had snapped her ankle in two.

Then we looked her right in the eyes, tucked her sweat-covered hair behind an ear and said: "We knew we’d find you. That’s why we’ve been baiting this trap once a week for the past ten years.”

Ends up she wasn’t into us – probably because we made her gangrenous. Still though, as we sometimes run her 6”x 3” patch of skin through our fingers – the piece that got torn off in the hinge and has long since turned to human-leather – we can’t help but wonder what she’s doing now and if she ever thinks of us.

Seriously – we are so lonely.

Timbaland’s not lonely anymore though – and he proved it with an island wedding that may or may not be officially recognised in the United States. He got married a day or two ago – to a woman who didn’t complain one bit when their first dance was to a 43-minute remixed Nelly Furtado song.

Timbaland is so lucky. He found love, and now he has to be married to it.

Marriage is the new black in the world of hip hop, which would seems to explain why so many of its stars are diving in this year. 

The producer and his bride actually tied the knot earlier in the month as well, but in a style fitting of Pamela Anderson and any of her two dozen current or former husbands – they decided to have multiple weddings all over the place.

E! Online spreads the rich, creamy, second-wedding news like a dollop of butter on your breakfast wheat-toast:

"The prolific hip-hop producer tied the knot with longtime publicist and baby mama Monique Idlett in Aruba Sunday. Several hundred guests shared in the nuptial bliss, including longtime collaborator Missy Elliott, Omarion, Ginuwine, rapper Magoo and Timbaland-groomed artist Kerri Hilson, per Us Weekly, which first reported the matrimony. The 37-year-old liner-note staple, whose real name is Timothy Mosley, and the 33-year-old Idlett had been dating for two and a half years prior to the vow swap."

Did you see that though? The marriage took place in Aruba. We heard they decided to do it after a weekend of bounty-hunting Joran Van Der Sloot. All that adrenaline is enough to make anyone wax romantic.

They didn't catch him or anything – but when you find a love like that, maybe you don't have to.