Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
As well you know, Jennifer Lopez split up with her fella, Marc Anthony recently, and everyone was so shocked that the UN set up a helpline to stop us all from committing suicide in the streets. It really was an awful time.
It’s about to get worse.
See, Marc Anthony is not happy to just break one celebrity marriage now that he’s been reported to be “inappropriately close” to Jada Pinkett Smith – or, if you prefer, Will Smith’s wife. Oooooooh. Don’t mess with lovely Will Smith.
The best ears in rap are coming back! Yep, you guessed it, Will Smith is to return to the mic to show those odiously gifted children of his how it should be done. No mucking about with Bieber, no whipping of hair. It’s all about making the friendliest hip hop since DJ Sven and MC Miker G.
Apparently, he’ll be working with someone called La Mar ‘Mars’ Edwards.
We can be thankful that didn’t read Bruno Mars who has the distinction of being the most punchable person on planet Earth right now. We’d like to punch Bruno Mars so hard that all that is left of him is a horrible little stain on our knuckles. But we’re talking about the lovable eared Will Smith. Aww. Ain’t he grand?
When it comes to starring in movies that are essentially about 50 Cent, 50 Cent is probably in the top 20 or so.
But 50 Cent is tired of only starring in awful, third-rate movies that only idiots like. So he’s decided to branch out and start producing awful, third-rate movies that only idiots like as well. Think that’s as bad as it gets? Don’t – because 50 Cent’s first movie is going to star Nicolas Cage.
Kanye West, if you’re reading this, please start producing movies too. That way they can be more successful than 50 Cent’s and he can retire from that as well. Thanks.
When hecklerspray met the love of its life, it gently released her from the giant steel bear trap that had snapped her ankle in two.
Then we looked her right in the eyes, tucked her sweat-covered hair behind an ear and said: "We knew we’d find you. That’s why we’ve been baiting this trap once a week for the past ten years.”
Ends up she wasn’t into us – probably because we made her gangrenous. Still though, as we sometimes run her 6”x 3” patch of skin through our fingers – the piece that got torn off in the hinge and has long since turned to human-leather – we can’t help but wonder what she’s doing now and if she ever thinks of us.
Seriously – we are so lonely.
Timbaland’s not lonely anymore though – and he proved it with an island wedding that may or may not be officially recognised in the United States. He got married a day or two ago – to a woman who didn’t complain one bit when their first dance was to a 43-minute remixed Nelly Furtado song.
