Chris Brown. What’s he going to be remembered for? Selling a load of lousy records? His pastel coloured blazers? Of course not. He’ll forever be remembered as the man that punched ten-shades out of Rihanna.

As yet, Breezy has failed to say anything approaching ‘sorry’ for the attack and, indeed, preferred to ‘forgive his enemies’ who keep bringing it up, like its our fault he thwacked his bony knuckles against RiRi’s skull repeatedly.

And thanks to him failing to show any kind of remorse, he’s been told that he must remain on probation. That’s not stopped the Grammies from booking him though. We can only hope for another ‘shirt-off, chair through a window’ episode, eh?

A judge in LA said that Brown should continue to report to an official in Virginia. If his actions are no longer criminal, his awful, awful records are worthy of official investigation all the same.

Despite the fact that Brown was sentenced to 180 hours community service and five years probation, which has been extended, he’ll still be appearing at this weekend’s Grammy show in LA… ALONGSIDE RIHANNA!

Hurray!

This has come about after a judge relaxed the restraining order that banned Brown from contacting Rihanna or getting within 10 yards of her. Basically, the judge wanted to ensure that Rihanna was just out of arm’s reach.

Rumours abound that Brown and Rihanna are something of an item again, which with any luck, will be career suicide for the pair of them. Seriously. We’re sick of the sight of either of them to be perfectly frank. However, such is the blind devotion of Team Breezy (that’s the self-appointed collective name for those ditheringly stupid enough to call themselves fans of ol’ Fisty McPunchy), it looks like he’s going to hang around a good while yet.

Also performing at this year’s Grammys are Paul McCartney, Adele, Nicki Minaj, Bruno Mars, Katy Perry, Coldplay, Foo Fighters and Taylor Swift.

Jesus wept.

Let this be a lesson to you all – you don’t relentlessly stalk Uma Thurman with a series of disturbing gifts and nightmarish doodles and get away with it.

Unless you mean that you’ll go to jail if you stalk Uma Thurman, because if that’s the case then yes, you probably will get away with it – just like Jack Jordan, the man recently found guilty of being Uma Thurman’s crazy stalker. Rather than jail, Jack Jordan has been given three years probation and some outpatient psychiatric treatment.

In addition to this, Jack Jordan has been banned from any contact with Uma Thurman for five years. Which means that the unveiling of his masterwork Man Falling Off Giant Razorblade Into Grave Dug By Giggling Bride Uma Thurman (Oil On Canvas) has been pushed back to 2013, a bitter blow to lovers of creepy deranged art everywhere.

Some celebrity stalkers of recent years have been more blindly traditional (anonymously sending packets of dildos to Britney Spears) or thrillingly creative (a tip of the hat to you, Dessarae Bradford), but none have managed the full-on high profile media assault of Uma Thurman’s stalker Jack Jordan.

Jack Jordan ran the gauntlet of stalking techniques to try and convince Uma Thurman that they were preordained to be together forever – he contacted Uma’s father and threatened to kill himself, he slept in a car near Uma’s house and he sent her torn-up pieces of paper, pictures of headless brides, creepy cards with stick figures of grave diggers on the back and a scribbled list of creepy words – but all to no avail.

Not only did Uma Thurman turn down Jack Jordan’s attractive ‘stay with me forever and never leave me’ proposition, but she also took him to court and got him convicted of stalking and harrassing her – charges that carry a maximum punishment of a year in jail.

Not that Jack Jordan’s going to serve a year in jail, though – as he was sentenced yesterday, it became clear that ‘no time in jail at all’ was closer to what the judge had in mind. E! Online reports:

“I’m terrified of being incarcerated again,” he told the court before his sentencing. “My greatest wish is that I had known sooner that I was putting fear into the heart [of Thurman].” While prosecutors pushed for the maximum sentence of one year in prison for the conviction on aggravated harassment , New York State Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro opted to have Jordan serve probation in his home state of Maryland with the condition that he receive outpatient psychiatric treatment… As for his stalking count, Jordan was sentenced to time already served.

Escaping jail can only be a good thing for Jack Jordan, because as a celebrity stalker he’d face a barrage of victimisation from other inmates if he was sent to jail – at least until he’d drawn pictures of them as headless giggling brides and won their hearts forever. But what about Uma Thurman?

Surely Uma won’t be able to fully relax with Jordan still on the outside. Every day that Jack Jordan isn’t locked up – even if he’s in another state – will be another day that she’ll be expecting another terrifying onslaught of negative attention. Not that she’ll have to adjust all that much, though – on any given day she already has to put up with verbal abuse from up to 400 disgruntled fans who were tricked into seeing My Super Ex Girlfriend. She’ll do OK.

Look at his hair, or listen to his pointless band, and you wouldn’t assume Richie Sambora to have a very astute sense of self-awareness.

But, hey, threatening a man with prison for being a terrible father tends to make people snap to attention. Which is why Richie Sambora has pleaded guilty to DUI after police arrested him for swerving about the highway like a pissed-up ninny.

And, thanks to the magic of the plea deal, Richie Sambora’s sudden bout of guilt means that he’s got away with three years probation instead of a jail sentence. It’s a win-win for all involved – lessons have been learned, the crowded prison system gets one inmate less to deal with and Richie Sambora’s daughter gets three solid years of ostentatious presents from her father as he attempts to buy back her love after he drove around with her while drunk. Heartwarming.

It’s no wonder that Richie Sambora has alcohol issues – if we had to listen to Bad Medicine night after night we’d have turned to the bottle long ago too, and he has to actually play the bloody thing – but there’s a comes a time in every man’s life when they stop being the kind of fun drunk who’ll wake up on the kitchen floor and can’t remember why they’re dressed as an Iranian prostitute and become the sort of drunk who’ll drive around hammered with their 10-year-old daughter in the passenger seat.

And for Richie Sambora, that time came last month. Richie Sambora was arrested for DUI on the Pacific Coast Highway after police noticed his Hummer swerving from lane to lane. That’s bad enough as it is, but throw in the fact that Richie Sambora’s daughter and another girl were passengers in the car and ‘bad’ instantly becomes ‘vastly mornic’.

As a result of the arrest. prosecutors wanted to haul Richie Sambora up on a child endangerment charge. However, thanks to insufficient evidence, they just had to make do with plain old DUI – something that Richie Sambora’s only too happy to admit. And now Sambora’s been sentenced for it, as BBC News reports:

Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has been sentenced to three years’ probation after admitting to driving under the influence of alcohol. The 48-year-old pleaded no contest, prompting the judge in Santa Ana, California to drop a second charge. Sambora, who was not at the court hearing, will also have to attend first offender alcohol awareness classes… Sambora is forbidden from having any measurable quantity of alcohol in his system while driving as a condition of his probation.

So Richie Sambora, who just admitted to driving while drunk, can’t drive drunk any more? What a novel punishment. Still, at least it’s only for three years, after which we can presume that Richie Sambora is free to get shitfaced on whatever he likes right before he goes for a pootle.

However, Richie Sambora’s real punishment will be having to live with the fact that he drove drunk with his daughter in the car – one of the stupidest things a parent can do. That’s penalty enough for any man.

Plus, now Richie Sambora has avoided jail, which is good because it means that Bon Jovi are free to tour the world and record new albums and… hang on a minute, that isn’t good at all. That’s literally the worst outcome possible. Arse.

Read more:

Drink-drive sentence for Sambora - BBC

The widely-held truths about Pete Doherty are that his face looks like it's made out of pastry, his fans wildly overreact to everything and that he never goes to jail.

However, that's a list which will have to be revised now, because Pete Doherty has just started a 14-week jail sentence for breaching his probation with bad timekeeping, missed appointments and the continued use of various drugs. And thanks to this prison sentence, Pete Doherty has had to cancel an upcoming concert at the Albert Hall.

Wait a minute, Pete Doherty takes drugs? Crikey, that's news to us. They'll be telling us that Amy Winehouse smokes crack next.

Hey you! Couldn't get enough of Pete Doherty's first prison diary? Really? You couldn't? Well then, you obnoxious pseudo-intellectual Wilfred Owen-quoting dipshit, this is your lucky day – Pete Doherty is probably hard at work on his second volume right now. Either that or he's being harrowingly sodomised by a mentally unwell arsonist in a laundry room.

That's right – we thought it'd never happen, but Pete Doherty is finally in jail. It's taken a while, we'll admit, but he's finally there. You'll remember that recently Pete Doherty has avoided jail for crimes such as kicking a photographer and having all the drugs on him and having all the drugs on him again, but this time Pete Doherty went too far.

This time Pete Doherty missed an appointment with a parole officer. There's no excuse for shoddy timekeeping, even when you're a chubby busker. Hanging's too good for him. Anyway – long story short- Pete Doherty gets to spend the next 14 weeks in chokey, as The Times reports:

"Pete Doherty spent the night in Wormwood Scrubs last night at the start of a 14-week sentence for breaching a probation order… Yesterday he was sentenced at West London Magistrates’ Court in front of District Judge Davinder Lachhar. The judge said that the singer was to be punished for his breach of time-keeping, non-compliance of his order (missing appointments with probation officers) and using different drugs." 

However, anyone with even a passing interest in celebrity jail sentences knows that 14 weeks doesn't mean 14 weeks – Pete Doherty will be released after seven, possibly even four, weeks. Which means that Pete Doherty's Glastonbury performance will be just like a great big prison release party for him, except that it won't be characterised by his mother sobbing in a corner and muttering about what a bitter disappointment he is throughout it.

Usually at this point we'd say how prison might be a good thing for Pete Doherty, providing him with the harsh reality that there are repercussions to his actions. But we're not going to bother, because at best the only thing that Pete Doherty will gain from his time in prison is a few more archaic prison slang terms for him to pepper his awful songs with.

Of course, it's the trilby makers we feel sorry for – first Blake Civil-Fielder gets locked up and now Pete Doherty. They're the trilby manufacturing industry's two biggest customers. It'll be a lean few weeks on the horizon for the hat people, that's for sure.

Read more:

Singer Pete Doherty jailed for 14 weeks - Times 

OK, first an apology for the misleading title – Mel Gibson has been allowed to drink for ages, but now he gets to do it without a judge disapprovingly scowling at him for it.

Mel Gibson has just been told by a judge that he no longer needs to attend courtroom progress reports for the probation he was given when he got drunk and drove around screaming bad things about the Jews that time.

However, just because he doesn't have to appear in court, Mel Gibson still has 18 months of probation left to battle through alone. Which means, although he's allowed to get drunk, we'll have to wait until the middle of 2009 before Mel Gibson can load up on booze, break the law and use the arrest as an excuse to howl Jewish insults into the sky like some sort of sugartit-fixated werewolf again without fear of jail. 

Mel Gibson might be getting sued by the man who wrote the Bible – or whatever – at the moment, but that won't keep him down for long. That's because Mel Gibson has just crossed another hurdle on his road to rehabilitation.

You'll remember that a couple of years ago Mel Gibson was arrested for DUI. No big deal there – even the most minor Hiltons are doing it these days – but what made Mel Gibson's arrest so special was his behaviour at the arrest. In no particular order, during his arrest Mel Gibson managed to say he owned all of Malibu, offer to 'fuck' the male arresting officer and invent the term 'Sugartits'. Oh, and claim that the Fucking Jews were responsible for every single conflict in the history of the world.

Mel's had a long road to walk getting back from that incident – Hollywood shunned him and not as many people went to see his gory little film about the Mayans as expected – but thanks to a round of relentless apologies and rehab, Mel Gibson is back where he once was again, as his recent filmography of zero movies goes to show.

But just because it's easy to win forgiveness from Jodie Foster and the like, it doesn't mean that Mel Gibson is legally in the clear yet. Although he's completed alcohol rehabilitation, attended court-enforced Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and been through a 90-day drink-driving course, Mel Gibson still has 18 months left of his probation. But the good news is that he doesn't have to keep going to court all the time, as Reuters reports:

Oscar-winning film star Mel Gibson, who made worldwide news by unleashing an anti-Semitic tirade during his 2006 arrest for drunk driving, received a judge's approval on Wednesday to serve the rest of his probation without appearing in court again. Superior Court Judge Lawrence Mira told the 52-year-old "Passion of the Christ" director that he had completed the requirements of his no-contest plea and was not required to make further progress reports to the court. "You're on your own now with the self-help groups, so this is the most difficult time for you," Mira told a subdued Gibson during a brief hearing in Los Angeles. "Good luck to you as you continue your rehabilitation."

That's a big step, and no mistake – and no doubt there'll be dark times to come – but for now Mel Gibson has every right to celebrate this milestone. And what better way to celebrate than by driving too fast around California, chugging from a bottle of tequila and loudly cursing the Jews for all the terrible things they've ever done? That's the tradition, we've heard.

Read more:

Judge tells actor Mel Gibson "You're on your own" - Reuters 

Beanie Sigel is a rapper who's been shot in the shoulder in the past, but that's hardly going to measure up to the hell of what he's about to experience.

That's because Beanie Sigel has been sentenced to jail for repeated parole violations. And we're not talking some light-touch 90-minute jail sentence like Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie got, either – Beanie Sigel is going downtown bigtime, for a full backbreaking 24 hours.

Hopefully jail will do the trick for Beanie Sigel, and we're expecting him to come out older and wiser. 24 hours older and 24 hours wiser, to be precise.

Beanie Sigel has been in some bad places in his life – the man lives in Philadelphia, for God's sake, a town named after cheese – as evidenced in some of his more hard-hitting hip-hop bangers like Oh Daddy and bakery/dairy unification anthem Bread & Butter. So it's not surprising that, in his time, Beanie Sigel has found himself in trouble for this and that.

Famously Beanie Sigel was shot in the shoulder two years ago, although nobody knows why because he decided to communicate with police by singing about poo-handling alone. But that's just the tip of a slightly depressing iceberg – Beanie Sigel also spent a year in jail for attempted murder before he was aquitted and went to jail again for not paying his child support on time.

And now Beanie Sigel is going to jail again, but this time is deserved, because Beanie Sigel has done possibly the most evil thing a man can do – he went to Atlantic City.

As much as going to Atlantic City is a crime worthy of jail in itself, the truth is that the trip violated his probation for all of the above, especially since he's claimed to have met a known felon there. And that's why a judge yesterday sent him to jail. For a day. According to CNN:

U.S. District Judge R. Barclay Surrick ordered Sigel to spend a day in prison and extended his probation by 18 months, including [a six-month] halfway house stint. During those six months, Sigel can pursue his work in Philadelphia by day but cannot travel to promote his latest album, "The Solution." The 33-year-old rapper (real name: Dwight Grant) has had a string of legal problems in recent years but insists he is a changed man. "I'm human, but I'm working on my mistakes," he told Surrick. "I do believe that other people do get a chance to go back into society and do the work that they do."

And that's precisely what Beanie Sigel is doing – he's toured schools lecturing about responsible behaviour, he's made videos all about the dangers of getting shot then writing a song about it that mainly deals with pooing – or something – and, bizarrely, he's also staged an anti-violence march with Bill Cosby.

All of that convinced the judge to just give Beanie Sigel a day in jail instead of the nine months that he could have. But still, a day in jail for going to a cold, grimy casino town sounds about fair. After all, Nicole Ritchie got 82 minutes in jail for driving into oncoming full-speed motorway vehicles on drugs, and going to Atlantic City is roughly 17 times more serious than that, so we'd say it was a fair call.

Read more:

Beanie Sigel sentenced to 1 day in jail - CNN 

As a rational human being, the two things you want most for Christmas are to see Return Of BloodRayne and Girlfight 2: Not As Sexy As You'd Think finally get greenlit.

But tough luck, because neither of those things will happen for at least the next half-year – Michelle Rodriguez, the star of those original movies, has just started her six-month jail sentence for constantly being unable to follow simple probation rules. But it's not all bad news, because now she's been locked up in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Los Angeles, Michelle Rodriguez will get to take part in the jail's annual inter-inmate Secret Santa. What will Michelle Rodriguez be given? A bucket of piss? A bucket of poo? A bucket of piss and poo all mixed up? A vigorous stabbing? Oh, how we wish we could take part in Michelle Rodriguez's Secret Santa, too.

Of all the celebrity jail-sentences that have taken place this year, it's heartening to discover that the final celebrity to be locked up in 2007 is Michelle Rodriguez, because she's been in trouble with the law so often that we're taking this new sentence as God's way of telling us that 2008 is going to be just fine.

Not that it's especially new news that Michelle Rodriguez is in jail – she was sentenced to six months back in October – but, well, it's Christmas Eve and so little has actually happened that it's either we tell you about this or we do what all the news programmes have done and try to make out that people going Christmas shopping just before Christmas somehow constitutes a top breaking story. 

So then, Michelle Rodriguez is in jail, but what for? Why, the same old nonsense that she always gets in trouble for – failing to keep her nose clean for long enough to let her probation period pass smoothly. There was a drink-driving arrest, some sort of hit and run, a failure to carry out her community service and consumption of alcohol three times in the period when Rodriguez was wearing a SCRAM anklet, all of which was too much for the judge to bear. So Michelle Rodriguez now has to sit out the full six-month sentence with no early release, no home confinement and no work furlough.

Sounds hellish to us, but Michelle Rodriguez is bound to enjoy it. Last time she was in prison – for a full four-hour stretch in 2006 – Michelle Rodriguez announced that:

"I'm a gypsy. I can see beauty in a jail cell."

So, by treating her sentence as a six-month jail cell beauty-finding expedition, Michelle Rodriguez will focus on the positives and get through her jail term easily. And it's not even as if Michelle Rodriguez's statement was that stupid in the first place – that time Crosseyed Mary The Attempted Murderer wrote 'Kill Me Now' in shit on the wall of the cell that Michelle is about to inherit, holding the turd like a dirty biro, was an awful lot like Van Gogh painting that famous picture of his, or something.

Anyway, Michelle Rodriguez will be spending her time at the Century Regional Detention Facility, which is the same jail that Paris Hilton got to spend three weeks of her time in earlier this year. So who knows, perhaps she'll leave in six months full of the same determination to make the world a better place as Paris did. Maybe she'll even even up getting naked and painting herself gold like Paris, too.

In which case we're taking that comment about God making everything OK for us in 2008 back right now.

Read more:

Michelle Rodriguez begins 6-month jail term - Reuters