Let this be a lesson to you all – you don’t relentlessly stalk Uma Thurman with a series of disturbing gifts and nightmarish doodles and get away with it.
Unless you mean that you’ll go to jail if you stalk Uma Thurman, because if that’s the case then yes, you probably will get away with it – just like Jack Jordan, the man recently found guilty of being Uma Thurman’s crazy stalker. Rather than jail, Jack Jordan has been given three years probation and some outpatient psychiatric treatment.
In addition to this, Jack Jordan has been banned from any contact with Uma Thurman for five years. Which means that the unveiling of his masterwork Man Falling Off Giant Razorblade Into Grave Dug By Giggling Bride Uma Thurman (Oil On Canvas) has been pushed back to 2013, a bitter blow to lovers of creepy deranged art everywhere.
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Look at his hair, or listen to his pointless band, and you wouldn’t assume Richie Sambora to have a very astute sense of self-awareness.
But, hey, threatening a man with prison for being a terrible father tends to make people snap to attention. Which is why Richie Sambora has pleaded guilty to DUI after police arrested him for swerving about the highway like a pissed-up ninny.
And, thanks to the magic of the plea deal, Richie Sambora’s sudden bout of guilt means that he’s got away with three years probation instead of a jail sentence. It’s a win-win for all involved – lessons have been learned, the crowded prison system gets one inmate less to deal with and Richie Sambora’s daughter gets three solid years of ostentatious presents from her father as he attempts to buy back her love after he drove around with her while drunk. Heartwarming.
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The widely-held truths about Pete Doherty are that his face looks like it's made out of pastry, his fans wildly overreact to everything and that he never goes to jail.
However, that's a list which will have to be revised now, because Pete Doherty has just started a 14-week jail sentence for breaching his probation with bad timekeeping, missed appointments and the continued use of various drugs. And thanks to this prison sentence, Pete Doherty has had to cancel an upcoming concert at the Albert Hall.
Wait a minute, Pete Doherty takes drugs? Crikey, that's news to us. They'll be telling us that Amy Winehouse smokes crack next.
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OK, first an apology for the misleading title – Mel Gibson has been allowed to drink for ages, but now he gets to do it without a judge disapprovingly scowling at him for it.
Mel Gibson has just been told by a judge that he no longer needs to attend courtroom progress reports for the probation he was given when he got drunk and drove around screaming bad things about the Jews that time.
However, just because he doesn't have to appear in court, Mel Gibson still has 18 months of probation left to battle through alone. Which means, although he's allowed to get drunk, we'll have to wait until the middle of 2009 before Mel Gibson can load up on booze, break the law and use the arrest as an excuse to howl Jewish insults into the sky like some sort of sugartit-fixated werewolf again without fear of jail.
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Beanie Sigel is a rapper who's been shot in the shoulder in the past, but that's hardly going to measure up to the hell of what he's about to experience.
That's because Beanie Sigel has been sentenced to jail for repeated parole violations. And we're not talking some light-touch 90-minute jail sentence like Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie got, either – Beanie Sigel is going downtown bigtime, for a full backbreaking 24 hours.
Hopefully jail will do the trick for Beanie Sigel, and we're expecting him to come out older and wiser. 24 hours older and 24 hours wiser, to be precise.
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As a rational human being, the two things you want most for Christmas are to see Return Of BloodRayne and Girlfight 2: Not As Sexy As You'd Think finally get greenlit.
But tough luck, because neither of those things will happen for at least the next half-year – Michelle Rodriguez, the star of those original movies, has just started her six-month jail sentence for constantly being unable to follow simple probation rules. But it's not all bad news, because now she's been locked up in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Los Angeles, Michelle Rodriguez will get to take part in the jail's annual inter-inmate Secret Santa. What will Michelle Rodriguez be given? A bucket of piss? A bucket of poo? A bucket of piss and poo all mixed up? A vigorous stabbing? Oh, how we wish we could take part in Michelle Rodriguez's Secret Santa, too.
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Let this be a lesson to you all – you don’t relentlessly stalk Uma Thurman with a series of disturbing gifts and nightmarish doodles and get away with it.
