hecklerspray's been through it like 4 times. In the first one our wives got the house, in the second one they got the cat and in the third they took the children.

The fourth time through it the wives got the first-wives' house, and the other-wives' cat and children. That fourth time everything really ended great for us.

Christie Brinkley is going through these pains right now. Granted maybe she's good at it by now – and her intimate knowledge of the process could be why she knows a very public proceeding could work in her favor this time around. Her hubby though, he wants everything very private.

It seems he doesn't want anyone to know about him banging that 18 year old toy-shop worker in the oversized Barbie-Doll house. We made up the Barbie-House bit.

Christie Brinkley is soooooo lucky. She stands now on the very cusp of freedom. She's poised to reclaim her single-dom and hit the town looking for nice bachelors in either their late sixties or early seventies. After two years of waiting for some reason, it seems her divorce proceedings are about to kick into high gear.

It's not all cut and dry though – Brinkley wants all the details open to the public, while her soon-to be ex, Peter Cook, desperately wants everything very, very private. For his possible reasons see that Barbie-house comment we made up earlier.

Still though, he was apparently boinking an 18 year old toy shop employee. One Fox News source says says of this:

"The thing with the girl is just the tip of the iceberg."

The rest of the Fox News article goes on to say:

"On Thursday, reports started appearing on various syndicated TV shows that Brinkley wanted the divorce trial — set for July 2 — to be public and that Cook was trying to intervene for the sake of their two young children. Sources close to Brinkley, however, tell me this is all hogwash, and I believe them. As it’s been pointed out, there is no logic in this latest move by Cook. These friends say that all the legal moves going on are about Cook trying to protect himself from terrible publicity once a trial is under way."

Sounds like Cook's overall desire to hump things is gonna be a major part of all future news stories here. We can't help but wonder if Brinkley ever tried stabbing him with a broken wineglass.

We don't know about you, but to us she's alsways looked like a wine glass stabber.

To read more, see "Christie Brinkley Wants Her Divorce Trial To Be Public" on eNews20

Initial rumours suggested Private Hylton earned the nickname after donning a blonde wig, a wonky eye and a Chihuahua for a video he made of himself giving oral sex to his Senior Chief Petty Officer which was leaked over the Army’s LAN.

But those rumours were immediately quashed by the irresponsible person who started them.

The true reason behind the nicknaming is entirely unclear as of yet, but one thing we do know for sure is that Private Hylton found the ‘Paris Hilton’ comparison highly offensive, because Paris was a “white woman with a low reputation”.

What has her being a ‘white’ woman got to do with it? That’s a bit racist itself, is it not, Private Hylton? Would you rather be compared to a black woman? Would that be better? Are you saying black women are better than white women? Are you? Are you saying that you hate all white people?

No, he isn’t and, although what he says does have ever-so-slightly racist undertones, compared to what he’s accusing his fellow officers of, Hylton’s comments qualify as negligible.

He alleges that, along with being compared to the anti-christ, he was called a “dumb-assed n****r” by the lance corporal as he helped unload rations from a truck, at the Wellington barracks in Birdcage Walk, near Buckingham Palace, as well as being called a “black bastard” and a “black cunt”.

He also alleges that he was hospitalized by a punch from a fellow officer and, when his wife and children came to stay at the family’s married quarters, the locks on their doors were repeatedly super-glued shut over a period of seven months.

That’s commitment to the cause, even if the cause is disgusting, racially motivated bullying, you’ve got to give credit where credit’s due.

Hylton said:

It made me feel really bad being spoken to like that. I had never been spoken to like that before I joined the British Army. My treatment and the treatment of my family has brought home to us that as a black Jamaican family we are just not accepted by the British Army. I have been forced to try and stand up for myself by complaining and bringing these proceedings.

Hylton, who makes £22,000 from his Army post, is demanding £50,000 compensation from the Ministry of Defence for race discrimination, harassment and victimisation.

The MoD denies everything Private Hylton has said and is contesting his tribunal claim. A spokesman said:

The army has a zero-tolerance policy to racism and takes allegations of racism very seriously.

The case is due to be heard on Tuesday (May 6) and Paris Hilton is yet to comment on what it feels like to be compared to Jamaican chef.

Read More – ‘Paris Hilton’ soldier sues Army over Jibes – Daily Star

Well, then there’s always the Marilyn Monroe sex tape. You heard – there’s a Marilyn Monroe sex tape. A tape of Marilyn Monroe gobbling on a man’s penis for 15 minutes. It really exists, but don’t get too excited.

A private collector has just bought the Marilyn Monroe sex tape for $1.5 million, and he’s sworn to keep it from the public in order to protect the dignity of Marilyn Monroe. Well, that and to masturbate himself scabby over the Marilyn Monroe sex tape 12 times a day for the rest of his life knowing that he’s the only one alive who knows what Marilyn Monroe looks like when she does blowjobs.

That’s it – this is the end of the world. We believe it was Nostradamus who said ‘all will be well when Lindsay Lohan copies Marilyn Monroe, but when Marilyn Monroe copies Lindsay Lohan we’re all fucked.’

And that, friends, is exactly what’s happened. Just a couple of weeks after the Lindsay Lohan sex tape leaked, Marilyn Monroe has got in on the act as well. Never mind that she’s been dead for 46 years – if you want to see Marilyn Monroe shove a bloke’s penis into her mouth and keep it there for 15 minutes, the Marilyn Monroe sex tape means you can.

Except you can’t. Everyone knows that a Marilyn Monroe sex tape would be the holy grail of celebrity sex tapes. More than that, in fact – since the discovery of the Marilyn Monroe sex tape, the holy grail has been papally downgraded to ‘the Marilyn Monroe sex tape of grails’ – but because of this, the man who yesterday bought the Marilyn Monroe sex tape has promised to keep it private forever, as Reuters reports:

A 15-minute film of Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex with an unidentified man will be kept from public view by a New York businessman, who has bought it for $1.5 million, the broker of the deal said on Monday. Memorabilia collector Keya Morgan said he recently arranged the sale of the silent, black-and-white film from the son of a dead FBI informant who possessed it to a wealthy Manhattan businessman who wants to protect Monroe’s privacy. “The gentleman who bought it said out respect for Marilyn he’s not going to make a joke of it and put it on the Internet and try to exploit her.”

A good thing too, because who really wants to see one of the most iconic women of all time giving a blowjob to a man on film? Oh that’s right – everyone. Everyone wants to see Marilyn Monroe debase her own mouth in a sex tape, and if anyone says they don’t they’re lying.

But it looks like it’ll never happen now. Not until he dies and his heirs flog the video to the first website to turn up with a chequebook, anyway. Only then will be able to see a creepy dead woman silently fellate a man, and it can’t come a day too soon.

Of course, the real tragedy is that Marilyn Monroe died before this sex tape got out. Then the possibilities would have been endless. Maybe Marilyn Monroe would have been able to star in her own E! reality TV show just like Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson and Kim Kardashian, who are all equally good at filming themselves having sex. But, alas, she died before she could sell out her own life for a tawdry meaningless faux-documentary series. We don’t think we’ll ever be able to cope with that.

On the plus side, though, the existence of a Marilyn Monroe sex tape will be great news for Elton John, because it means he can bash out another lazy rewrite of Candle In The Wind to commemorate it. We’ll start it off for him: “It seems to me, you lived your life like a candle in the wind/ and by candle I obviously mean penis and by wind I mean some bloke’s gob/ you dirty, great cow.”

Read more:

Marilyn Monroe sex film to be kept private – Reuters

According to People.Com, the couple held a private wedding ceremony at Jay-Z's New York apartment yesterday evening, to which only close friends and family were invited.

They didn’t even have the common decency to invite the press. How are we to trust them? What are they so afraid of us seeing? Would we have found out the service was being funded by Jay-Z’s links to nineteenth century slave trade profiteering?

We’ll never know, because they want to keep it ‘private’. Good luck to the both of you, but any fool can see the seeking of privacy these days is as futile a task as teaching a Frenchman to suck croissant.

An insider told the magazine:

"It happened earlier this evening. Jay wanted it to be a really private affair — close friends and family."

The ceremony was proceeded by a most happening crib party, attended by some fellow named DJ Cassidy – one of Mr Z’s favorites, apparently.

The wedding comes just days after Jay and Beyonce were reported to have secured themselves a marriage license in Scarsdale on April 1. Lots of people thought it was an April fool. Turns out it wasn’t.

So hurrah! And three cheers for the happy couple!

Hip-Hop Ho-way Ho!

Story by Rupert Prickhard-Pamplin

Read More – Jay-Z And Beyonce Got Married On Friday – MTV 

Terrified that Britney Spears will either try to swim for freedom or end up gnawing on a turd like a squirrel with a nut if she's left alone in a bathroom for too long, Jamie Spears has reportedly made sure that bodyguards accompany her on every toilet trip.

It's not a job we'd care to do – standing around in a tiled room listening to the sound of Britney Spears groaning and straining for a shit – but if it's a toss-up between that or listening to Blackout again, we'd happily sign up for crapper duty.

Never let it be said that Britney Spears isn't educational. This year alone Britney Spears has taught us so much – like the correct way to barricade yourself topless into a bathroom with a child and convince everyone that you're about to kill yourself – but mainly we now know what it means to be Gravely Disabled.

That's how Britney Spears was medically classified during her stay in the psychiatric hospital earlier this month, and it means you can't be trusted to dress or feed yourself. But that's about it, because it seems as if you can be trusted to teach kids how to dance to Madonna songs. But you can't wee in a toilet by yourself. That's one hell of a complex sliding scale system and we're not even going to pretend to try and understand it.

Anyway, our point is that Britney Spears isn't allowed to go to the toilet without a small army of bodyguards following her around and making sure that she doesn't do anything stupid, like try and drink out of it like a cat or whisper secrets into it and only call it Jonathan. The New York Post reports on Britney's visit to an LA restaurant with her dad on Saturday:

The group sat at a table to eat, but Spears hardly touched her lobster burger, preferring butter-fried frites and Tater Tots. When she got restless, her bodyguards, stationed at several places throughout the eatery, jumped into action. "She continuously got up from the table to go to the bathroom or hang out at the bar and smoke a cigarette," our spy said. "Bodyguards followed her to the bathroom and bar." Another snitch who saw Spears leave noted, "She took a coffee cup from the restaurant with her."

Actually, it makes perfect sense for Jamie Spears to want to keep a close eye on Britney like this, because it's still early on in the recovery process for her and she's still highly unpredictable.

In fact, maybe Jamie Spears should go one step further and start hauling Britney around in an oversized animal-carrier. It sounds drastic, but it's not like Britney Spears would be cooped up in it for 24 hours a day. She'd be let out for exercise, albeit with an exploding collar around her neck that'd blow up the second she even started to talk in a weird British accent. But if a messy exploded skull is what it takes to get Britney Spears back to normal, that's what Jamie Spears should be prepared to do.

Read more:

Britney Watch – Page Six 

If so, you're in luck – apparently Pete Doherty has started hiring himself out to private functions for £100 a pop.

We know, £100 sounds like a lot of money to pay for a wazzock in a tatty hat to aimlessly strum a guitar and mumbling like an emphysema sufferer's dying gasp, but if Pete Doherty performed at your child's birthday party, it'd be an event they'd remember forever. True, they'd mainly remember it as that birthday party where the frightening dirty scarecrow man who stunk like week-old piss turned up and made everyone cry, but you can't say that's not memorable.

It's not a new thing for entertainers to play private functions. George Michael charges £1.5 million for a private concert, while Christina Aguilera and Shakira are also happy to accept vast sums of cash to jiggle their bits for wealthy Russians. Pete Doherty, on the other hand, has been reduced to playing parties for £100 a pop. And somehow that still feels like a rip-off.

Even though it's basically a slightly upscale version of giving 50p to a tramp even though he'll inevitably run off and spend it on drugs, The Sun reports that Pete Doherty recently played a concert for a girl's party and now he's in hot demand:

A source said: "The birthday girl’s dad told him she was a huge fan and that he’d give him £100 to perform at her party. Pete was flattered and happy to oblige. He turned up and played his big hits. Everyone had a great time. Some partygoers asked him when he was going to start making dogs out of balloons. He took it in good humour. It made her day and now she’s a very popular girl with her pals. Her dad told the local paper and Pete has been bombarded with requests to play since."

OK, we can see a few problems with this story:

1) It assumes that Pete Doherty turned up for concert and managed to play his guitar for a decent length of time without collapsing, puking on his shoes or squirting blood into someone's eye. Everyone knows this has never happened.

2) The girl is apparently now 'popular with her pals' because Pete Doherty played at her party. If this is true, then we'd guess she has some ridiculously easily-impressed friends who'd have been just as thrilled if she'd simply hung some brightly-coloured objects from string in front of a window instead.

3) 'Pete played his big hits.' Like what? Name one big Pete Doherty hit. Hum one. You can't. Unless The Sun meant hits of heroin, of course. £100 to watch a grubbily vague man painfully reenact his harrowing descent into the clutches of morbid drug addiction in front of some children? OK, actually that does sound like quite the bargain.

But regardless of this, you have to admit that £100 is not a lot of money at all to get a man of Pete Doherty's notoriety to turn up at your party. But if Pete wants to maximise on this sudden popularity, he'd better move fast – by mid-March we're pretty sure we'll be able to get Amy Winehouse to do the same thing for 20p and a Curly Wurly.

Read more:

Pay £100 to hire Pete Doherty – The Sun