private - HecklerSpray

Christie Brinkley Wants A Divorce For All The World To See

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Divorce is a painfully-personal process that often comes with embarrassment and shame.

hecklerspray's been through it like 4 times. In the first one our wives got the house, in the second one they got the cat and in the third they took the children.

The fourth time through it the wives got the first-wives' house, and the other-wives' cat and children. That fourth time everything really ended great for us.

Christie Brinkley is going through these pains right now. Granted maybe she's good at it by now – and her intimate knowledge of the process could be why she knows a very public proceeding could work in her favor this time around. Her hubby though, he wants everything very private.

It seems he doesn't want anyone to know about him banging that 18 year old toy-shop worker in the oversized Barbie-Doll house. We made up the Barbie-House bit.

‘Paris Hilton’ Is A ‘Dumb-Assed Ni**er’

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Private Kerry Hylton, 33, a chef with the Welsh Guards who was nicknamed ‘Paris Hilton’ is suing the Army for racial discrimination.

Initial rumours suggested Private Hylton earned the nickname after donning a blonde wig, a wonky eye and a Chihuahua for a video he made of himself giving oral sex to his Senior Chief Petty Officer which was leaked over the Army’s LAN.

But those rumours were immediately quashed by the irresponsible person who started them.

The true reason behind the nicknaming is entirely unclear as of yet, but one thing we do know for sure is that Private Hylton found the ‘Paris Hilton’ comparison highly offensive, because Paris was a “white woman with a low reputation”.

You’ll Never See The Marilyn Monroe Sex Tape

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Sometimes all a man wants to see is a dead, blonde girl commit sex acts on film – but what about when they’ve exhausted their Anna Nicole Smith supply?

Well, then there’s always the Marilyn Monroe sex tape. You heard – there’s a Marilyn Monroe sex tape. A tape of Marilyn Monroe gobbling on a man’s penis for 15 minutes. It really exists, but don’t get too excited.

A private collector has just bought the Marilyn Monroe sex tape for $1.5 million, and he’s sworn to keep it from the public in order to protect the dignity of Marilyn Monroe. Well, that and to masturbate himself scabby over the Marilyn Monroe sex tape 12 times a day for the rest of his life knowing that he’s the only one alive who knows what Marilyn Monroe looks like when she does blowjobs.

Jay-Z Turns Beyonce From A ‘Beaaatch’ Into A Wifey

March 24th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

Singing businessman Jay-Z has finally made an honest woman of his hitherto ho-beau Beyonce Knowles.

According to People.Com, the couple held a private wedding ceremony at Jay-Z's New York apartment yesterday evening, to which only close friends and family were invited.

They didn’t even have the common decency to invite the press. How are we to trust them? What are they so afraid of us seeing? Would we have found out the service was being funded by Jay-Z’s links to nineteenth century slave trade profiteering?

Britney Spears Can’t Piddle In Private

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As her conservator, Jamie Spears is keeping Britney Spears on a short leash – so short that it just about stretches to the toilet if someone goes with her.

Terrified that Britney Spears will either try to swim for freedom or end up gnawing on a turd like a squirrel with a nut if she's left alone in a bathroom for too long, Jamie Spears has reportedly made sure that bodyguards accompany her on every toilet trip.

It's not a job we'd care to do – standing around in a tiled room listening to the sound of Britney Spears groaning and straining for a shit – but if it's a toss-up between that or listening to Blackout again, we'd happily sign up for crapper duty.

Pete Doherty Will Play Your Party For £100

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Do you have a birthday party coming up? Or a work bash? Maybe you just want someone to honk and wail and scare that gang of kids away from your front drive.

If so, you're in luck – apparently Pete Doherty has started hiring himself out to private functions for £100 a pop.

We know, £100 sounds like a lot of money to pay for a wazzock in a tatty hat to aimlessly strum a guitar and mumbling like an emphysema sufferer's dying gasp, but if Pete Doherty performed at your child's birthday party, it'd be an event they'd remember forever. True, they'd mainly remember it as that birthday party where the frightening dirty scarecrow man who stunk like week-old piss turned up and made everyone cry, but you can't say that's not memorable.