Articles tagged with: Prison
When shambling oxygen-thief Pete Doherty was recently thrown into prison for the grand total of 14 weeks, hecklerspray felt a murmur within our hearts - a rare glimmer of optimism, if you like. With P-Doh locked away, we reasoned, surely this would see a brief end to his staggeringly bad musical output? Hell: at least it'd be a long enough hiatus to ensure his fans became obsessed with something more entertaining - like watching a puppy slowly suffocate or listening to the mechanical vibrations of the Phillips X300 Bathroom Extractor Fan (man, when that third whirr cycle kicks in, it's just awesome). Alas, it was not to be. In a statement that has devastated the ear-owning community, Doherty has decided that prison life won't stop him churning out his sixth-form garbage. Mind you, seeing as prisons are essentially rife with drug abuse, violent assault and general hopelessness and despair, a couple of new Babyshambles tracks might make the ideal soundtrack.
After years of waiting, the entire world sighed with relief. Everyone’s favourite drug-gobbling indie bod Pete Doherty finally got sent down.
Pete has been up locked in solitary confinement, but it’s only for 14 weeks. However, there are some benefits to this. The London police force will have 48 less Pete Doherty drug arrests to make and we won’t have to write any stories about him for a while.
Well that’s a bit of a lie. Pete Doherty hasn’t been released ridiculously early from prison. Yet. And we’re still writing stories on him. Not because we care about his prison plight, but purely because the Free Pete Doherty! Facebook group is up and running, and aiming to release the stupid twat. And stopping us from writing stories on important things. Like Lindsay Lohan’s career falling to bits.
The widely-held truths about Pete Doherty are that his face looks like it's made out of pastry, his fans wildly overreact to everything and that he never goes to jail.
However, that's a list which will have to be revised now, because Pete Doherty has just started a 14-week jail sentence for breaching his probation with bad timekeeping, missed appointments and the continued use of various drugs. And thanks to this prison sentence, Pete Doherty has had to cancel an upcoming concert at the Albert Hall.
Wait a minute, Pete Doherty takes drugs? Crikey, that's news to us. They'll be telling us that Amy Winehouse smokes crack next.
As clearly the most insane member of the Jackass clan, Steve-O has done everything from jam fireworks up his anus to stapling his scrotum to his leg. Both of which will stand him in great stead in prison.
Most people know that Steve-O is British born and once tried out for the circus. He ended up as a clown and probably spent show intervals playing the bongos on kids' heads with his testicles. TV is where he has found his natural home: getting bitten, shot, slapped, cut, chiselled, whipped, gassed, drinking salad dressing until he passes out - you name it, Steve-O has been to casualty for it.
As for the British thing, for a man so flagrantly interested in his undercarriage and unable to function without obscene quantities of beer, what else could he be?
Having already flouted the law so many times he has his own jail cell right next door to Robert Downey Jr's, news of Steve-O's arrest for allegedly punching holes in his own drywall is hardly front page material. Yet when you add up his call sheet of obscenity, vandalism, drugs charges and a stint on Celebrity Love Island, this time they might just throw away the key.
When a celebrity goes to jail, they tend to only spend about a tenth of a single traumatic nanosecond banged up - but not Kiefer Sutherland.
Kiefer Sutherland was released from jail just a few hours ago, having served all 48 of his 48-day sentence for DUI. And, now he's out, Kiefer Sutherland gets to wear his 'full sentence served' badge like a war medal around his prematurely-released ex-con celebrity counterparts.
Obviously the only celebrity other than Kiefer Sutherland to serve their full sentence recently was Paris Hilton. We think this means that Kiefer will end up painted gold in a desert for a canned champagne advert soon or something.
Foxy Brown is the best of the best. No other black female rapper under 4' has ever released a successful selling album using minimal beats and musical ability, and no other female black rapper over 3' has ever made bottles of lotion explode all over a salon just by looking at them with her angry devil eyes.
Also, L'il Kim trembles at the thought of her. That's just what we heard from a guy who's brother says he knows one of them.
Dear stereotypical Islamic terrorists, you might want to think about launching a harebrained, not entirely convincing terrorist attack on Los Angeles sometime within the next 48 days.
Why? Because it's literally the only chance you'll have of doing it without Jack Bauer chasing you, shooting you, kicking you out of the back of trains and never ever urinating not even once. That's right - Kiefer Sutherland is in jail. Yesterday Kiefer Sutherland was sentenced to 48 days in jail following his DUI arrest earlier this year, and then immediately started his sentence. And, unlike Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie, Kiefer Sutherland is expected to complete his jail sentence in full, something that Kiefer would have probably avoided if he'd thought to release an ill-judged pop CD, star in a terrible reality TV show or go without underwear when getting out of cars now and then.
Amy Winehouse is in for a cruddy Christmas. Not only is Santa vastly unlikely to give Amy what she needs the most - a slap in the mouth and a decent hairbrush - but now that her husband's been remanded in custody, she'll be all alone, too.
But just because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be banged up in prison until the middle of January - possibly even June - it doesn't mean that he's not in love with his wife. That's why Blake has apparently urged Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, the city where they got married, to reflect on the good times instead of wallowing glumly and screaming like an angry kestrel at paying fans. And it seems like Amy Winehouse has decided to listen to him and go to Miami. That's probably for the best because not only will Amy Winehouse get some distance from her current troubles, but it means that Blake won't have to kick her in the face until she needs metal plates inserted because she defied him.
