There are people who think Jay-Z is profiting from the African slave trade. Lily Allen’s Dad believes Princess Diana was murdered and one guy hecklerspray knows thinks badgers are actually midgets crawling around the woods in costume.

And now Alicia Keys says Gangsta Rap was created by the government and the media in an effort to get influential black people to kill each other, so they don’t have to.

Ms Keys told Blender magazine:

“‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other, ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist.”

She also claims that the murders of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G, back in September 1996 and March 1997 respectively, were fueled by “the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing“.

Hecklerspray would like to remind readers that we didn’t even exist back then, so our conscience is clean.

Or Is it? Maybe we did exist, but were operating on an invisible level. Maybe we were posting anti-2Pac and Biggie articles in a font that could only be read by rich, white people? Can you prove it otherwise? You can’t, can you? You’ll just have to take our word for it (mwa-ha-ha!).

Alicia also explained the reasons she wears a gold AK-47 pendent around her neck. It is because it “symbolize strength, power and killing them dead”. For some reason she doesn’t go on to say exactly who ‘them’ are. Wait a minute…maybe she’s referring to us; the hecklerspray folk; readers, writers and all?

Think about it; have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes hecklerspray before? Have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes you before? In fact, we don’t believe Alicia has ever expressed any love for our people. This is getting spooky – does Alicia Keys want to kill us dead?

Just to be safe, let’s all stay away from Alicia Keys and her music until the day she pledges allegiance to the hecklerflag. Get yourself a gold hecklerspray pendant of Stuart Heritage’s face, hang it round your neck and tell people it “symbolizes strength, power, weekly stories about Lindsay Lohan’s tits, the avoidance of Alicia Keys and killing ‘em dead with our superb use of cruel/witty reporting”.

But even that has its risks. Why should we trust you lot? You’ve no doubt got an alternative agenda like everyone else. Probably best everyone just stays at home with their families.

But what if it turns out all our parents have been nurturing us all these years into becoming cash cows to fund their early retirement? Ok, so we all go home but we are to stay in our rooms, alone, only leaving at allotted times to get food from the kitchen and use the bathroom.

But what if our personality splits into two while we’re alone? Maybe one half of us will want the other half dead? In which case, the half that doesn’t want us dead has no choice but to saw itself free from the other half. This will leave us all dead, but we will at least be safe.

Ah, screw all that – let’s all have a cuddle!

Alicia says that, in the future, she wants to write more political songs and feels that if black leaders like late Black Panther Huey Newton “had the outlets our musicians have today, it’d be global. I have to figure out a way to do it myself”.

Hang on a minute…What if Alicia Keys is merely a creation of the government and media, a singing hologram used to bore people into submission, leaving us feeling powerless against the rise of the New World Order?

What if…What if…What if she’s right?

Read More – Alicia’s Conspiracy Theories – OK! Magazine

Just what is the man thinking? How does he grow such testicles?
    
According to The Royalist, ex-pop-singing-sensation Lily Allen’s father (let us call him EPSSLAF) has gone on record to say:

"To this day I absolutely believe that it wasn’t an accident. I just know."

And if he doesn’t believe it was an accident, it remains only that he believes it was murder. He doesn’t appear to have elaborated on what ground he has to stand on as of yet, merely that he ‘just knows’.

A friend of Diana’s has retorted. To the Daily Mail, she said:

"It has been over 10 years and surely even he must acknowledge that we have had the most thorough of investigations. We believe nothing further can be achieved by going over ground that has now been thoroughly discredited."

Princess Diana’s case, and indeed Dodi Al Fayed’s and Henri Paul’s case, lest we forget, has been thoroughly investigated by some of Britain’s most senior judges, ergo some of the wisest, most trustworthy people in the world – ask yourself why else they would be there? Do you doubt your country?

Why would a country that bestows such delicacies as a roast dinner, The Antiques Roadshow and Alan Titchmarsh into your homes ever allow injustice to operate at such a high level? It wouldn’t. Trust, relax, forget and move on.

EPSSLAF’s comments come as news that friends of the late Princess Diana’s are, via letter, urging Mohamed Al Fayed to ‘stop saying there was a murder plot carried out by British Intelligence on the orders of Prince Philip’ – an opinion EPSSLAF has heard off Mr. Al-Fayed first hand. Interviewed for 2005 Channel Four documentary You're Fayed, Mohammed told EPSSLAF:

"All that happened to me was after the murder of my son and Diana. I challenge the bastards who done this to me, MI6, and all the time say this is by order of the Royal Family."

Lord Justice Scott Baker, coroner of the relentless case, has condemned and dismissed Mr. Al-Fayed’s theories. Even Mr Al-Fayed’s legal team have taken a step back.

And now it’s time EPSSLAF did so too.  No one cares anymore, Keith. Vindaloo was 12 years ago. Instead of spreading mad conspiracies, why not prepare your daughter for the same. (That is prepare her for 12 years of vacuousness – not a murder plot).

EPSSLAF has been making a feature-length documentary about Al-Fayed and the inquest, which he plans to premier at the Cannes Film Festival on May 14.

Story by Rupert Prickhard-Pamplin

Read More – Actor Declares: 'I Think Diana Was Murdered' – The Royalist

Read More – Allen's father to make documentary about Al-Fayed – Yahoo! Music News

However, we hold our hands up now and admit this incident has come true. We all know about Princess Diana. She was the people’s princess, the princess of hearts. Despite being dead for over ten years now, she is still making the news. Just think of her as the equivalent of Tupac. But still, Mohamed Al Fayed claims the Duke of Edinburgh was behind a plot to murder Diana and his son Dodi before they got married. But some just-unearthed letters say he might not have been, actually. It’s almost like some sort of bad film script.  

Princess Diana is still big business. She's been dead for over a decade now, and yet newspapers are still full of chatter  about her, creepy commemorative death-plates are still being sold on eBay and this year there was even a concert to keep her ghost happy or something.

The one-off Diana charity gig offered a lot of performers the chance to turn up and pretend they cared about the cause – like Kanye West. We don’t think that he would dropped his best porcelain tea cup set at the news of her death in August 1997. Still the gig went ahead and provided us with plenty of laughs when the camera cut to members of the Royal Family trying to pull out the best disco moves, or when the random bands that performed tried to make some sort of dodgy excuse about what the Princess meant to them.

So ten years on, people are still bickering about who actually killed Diana and Dodi. Conspiracy theorists around the world wet themselves on a daily basis as they spawn multiple excuses. Did the Queen don her best camouflage gear and set out to kill them on some sort of sniper mission? Did the couple actually die but actually pay people to die for them so they could go and live on a magical island with Elvis and all the aliens from Roswell? Or did the driver just get pissed and lose control of the car?  

At the ongoing Diana inquest, evidence has emerged that the Duke of Edinburgh and Diana were in communication via letter. This may not seem that exciting, but it does go some way of pissing on Mohamed Al Fayed’s theory that the Duke wanted her dead. As the BBC reports, one of the letters written by him from 1992 said:

"If invited, I will always do my utmost to help you and Charles to the best of my ability, but I am quite ready to concede that I have no talents as a marriage counsellor!!!"

Diana replied with:

“Dearest Pa, I was particularly touched by your most recent letter which proved to me, if I didn't already know it, that you really do care. You are very modest about your marriage guidance skills and I disagree with you. This latest letter of yours showed great understanding and tact and I hope to be able to draw on your advice in the months ahead."

Unless he was the world’s greatest killer who coaxed his victim in to a false sense of security for over five years, Prince Phillip might not be the murdery old bugger some people thought he might be. With this theory of death by Royal Family order seemingly blown away, we can turn to the mystery of who keeps on stealing our bloody milk every morning.  

Read more: 

Jury sees duke's letters to Diana – BBC