Right. Here’s the future. In the year 200andGoogleitbecausewedidnot, once all the disinfectant from Leona Lewis’ Olympic Opening Ceremony Performance has sterilized Britain, there is to be some exciting news. Naomi Watts is going to do exactly what Meryl Streep has just done here in 2012.

But she’s going to do it slightly more creepier – and be all PRINCESS DIANA and everything.

Okay. Quick reminder on who Princess Diana is, just before everyone jumps on the bandwagon and starts holding aloft an ironic piece of bunting with a smashed arm of a princess on it or something.

So, Princess Diana was a woman, who married a man whom she did not love (That’s Prince Charles, that guy who once stood 20 miles from a working class civilian and didn’t complain about it at all) Alas, it didn’t work out – both parties allegedly got off with other people, and it was all a bit of a car crash to be honest.

It doesn’t really matter who Princess Diana was. Suffice to say her buttocks was not as pert as Pippa Middleton, she just contributed to various charities instead. Charities are like Children in Need, but they give the money to impoverished minorities, rather than a hedge fund for Terry Wogan’s minibar, per se. Like we say, it doesn’t really matter what charity is or indeed represents.

Here’s the lowdown on this Princess Diana biopic. Obviously, you all know how to type in ‘IMDB’ into Google, but you’re here now – and god, we may as well, right? The wonderlist for Completely Undocumented Life of Princess Diana is as follows:

NAOMI WATTS – PRINCESS DIANA
WHOEVER THE HELL WROTE ‘THE LIBERTINE?’ – SCREENWRITER

The power troupe of Hollywood there, in full force as per usual. The Breakfast Club of our hearts. The Emilio Estevez of our chronic loneliness. (Or ‘Paula Abdul’ if you want the clinical terminology)

Upon the casting, Naomi Watts said quite a large quantity of things about trophy polish and ‘must get a new diaphragm for Elton’s after-party’, but once we breezed past all that, the gist appears to be:

“It is such an honour to be able to play this iconic role – Princess Diana was loved across the world and I look forward to rising to the challenge of playing her on screen.”

Congratulations Naomi Watts! THIS IS ALL SO INCREDIBLY NECESSARY.

One mild concern – who’s going to play Cat Deeley in the crucial Paul Burrell performing terrifying the Chicago soundtrack with the vigour of a repressed 70s Gimp Candyman on Stars in Their Eyes scene?

Bit worried.

The Royal Family, God bless each and every one of them.

Just hearing their names makes us want to slip into our Union Jack underpants and stand proudly with our flags bellowing in the wind. People may accuse The royals of doing bugger all, but we know their game. After all, they are the most high-profile benefit cheats in the country – literally getting millions for doing nothing.

Occasionally, Prince Charles will mutter something about wanting to be king whilst Prince Philip will break into a semi-xenophobic comment. Tragically, Princess Diana left nothing apart from a charity record, a damaged tunnel in Paris and a child who dresses like a Nazi. Don’t go thinking she’s dead and buried yet, though – plans are afoot to bring out a delicious line of Princess Diana jams. Why? Well to be honest we’re not quite sure, but it’s in better taste than a Princess Diana Scalextric.

When celebrity endorses a product, the typical image is of somebody’s gurning face grinning cheesily from ear to ear on the label. Despite not being qualified marketing people, we do feel that the image of a mushed-up corpse might not be the best way of effectively promoting a product that is meant to be eaten. A zombie Princess Diana may make people vomit up their insides through their mouth.

Unless the paperwork was signed prior to her death, this news does raise the question of how a Princess Diana jam came to be brought into our lives. Has the jam industry run out of ways to make the product exciting and fun? And will we see more dead celebrities promoting obscure items? How about a Marilyn Monroe hard hat or a Tommy Cooper 50-piece knife set? Don’t worry about copyright infringement, because this has a perfect reason to be called Princess Diana jam.

Haven’t thought of it yet? Really? Everyone knows that the simplest way of creating a Princess Diana jam is to extract a tiny piece of her DNA and turn it into a delicious substance to spread across scones. At the moment, we’re unaware of what flavours will be made available, but we’re hoping for peach and apricot. Yahoo News explains further:

“The preserve, called “occult jam,” is part of a surrealist art show at London’s Barbican Art Gallery that includes exhibits by Salvador Dali and Rene Margritte. The 5-pound-a-jar ($7.60) jam is both art and food.”

Oh right, it’s actually art! Phew, that makes it OK. Otherwise, gnawing away at jam made from Princess Diana would technically be cannibalism. Take note all you wannabe Heston Blumenthal sorts – to make your own human jam, follow the recipe as set out by the bloke responsible, Sam Bompas:

“Infuse a tiny speck of the late princess of Wales’ hair with gin, which is then combined with milk and sugar to create a product with a taste resembling condensed milk.”

We never got the chance to lick Princess Diana. It looks like this will be the closest opportunity we’ll ever get. She’d be ever so tasty on a crumpet.

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Ex-pop-singing-sensation Lily Allen’s father (or – as he was once known – ‘Keith Allen’) has told one ‘n’ all he’s of the fancy that our Lady Diana, Princess of Wales, did not die because of some arbitrary misfortune, but that she was in fact dealt the somewhat more illegal misfortune of murder.

Just what is the man thinking? How does he grow such testicles?
    
According to The Royalist, ex-pop-singing-sensation Lily Allen’s father (let us call him EPSSLAF) has gone on record to say:

"To this day I absolutely believe that it wasn’t an accident. I just know."

And if he doesn’t believe it was an accident, it remains only that he believes it was murder. He doesn’t appear to have elaborated on what ground he has to stand on as of yet, merely that he ‘just knows’.

A friend of Diana’s has retorted. To the Daily Mail, she said:

"It has been over 10 years and surely even he must acknowledge that we have had the most thorough of investigations. We believe nothing further can be achieved by going over ground that has now been thoroughly discredited."

Princess Diana’s case, and indeed Dodi Al Fayed’s and Henri Paul’s case, lest we forget, has been thoroughly investigated by some of Britain’s most senior judges, ergo some of the wisest, most trustworthy people in the world – ask yourself why else they would be there? Do you doubt your country?

Why would a country that bestows such delicacies as a roast dinner, The Antiques Roadshow and Alan Titchmarsh into your homes ever allow injustice to operate at such a high level? It wouldn’t. Trust, relax, forget and move on.

EPSSLAF’s comments come as news that friends of the late Princess Diana’s are, via letter, urging Mohamed Al Fayed to ‘stop saying there was a murder plot carried out by British Intelligence on the orders of Prince Philip’ – an opinion EPSSLAF has heard off Mr. Al-Fayed first hand. Interviewed for 2005 Channel Four documentary You're Fayed, Mohammed told EPSSLAF:

"All that happened to me was after the murder of my son and Diana. I challenge the bastards who done this to me, MI6, and all the time say this is by order of the Royal Family."

Lord Justice Scott Baker, coroner of the relentless case, has condemned and dismissed Mr. Al-Fayed’s theories. Even Mr Al-Fayed’s legal team have taken a step back.

And now it’s time EPSSLAF did so too.  No one cares anymore, Keith. Vindaloo was 12 years ago. Instead of spreading mad conspiracies, why not prepare your daughter for the same. (That is prepare her for 12 years of vacuousness – not a murder plot).

EPSSLAF has been making a feature-length documentary about Al-Fayed and the inquest, which he plans to premier at the Cannes Film Festival on May 14.

Story by Rupert Prickhard-Pamplin

Read More – Actor Declares: 'I Think Diana Was Murdered' – The Royalist

Read More – Allen's father to make documentary about Al-Fayed – Yahoo! Music News