You have to hand it to Whitney Houston – she’s really great at being a mental famous person. While you have to acknowledge the power of her lungs, we all know damn well that she’s remembered for (alleged) crack cocaine use, throwing tantrums and being in a lousy relationship with Bobby Brown.

Oh, and that bit in the ‘I Will Always Love You‘ video where it looks like she’s taking a dump in the snow as the key-change kicks in.

So which one is she doing now? Well, it involves an aeroplane and a clear will to die.

The last time we heard anything from Whitney, she was being thrown out of a Prince concert by Prince himself after taking a little drink.

This week, she was nearly getting chucked off a plane. Why? Well the reasons are huge. Flying is the most jarring of modes of transport. The constant fear of dropping out of the sky. The irritating children that cry for entire flights. The dreadful food. The lack of leg room. Those bloody flight attendants with their fixed grins and orange legs.

However, Whitters wasn’t angered by any of those things. She was angry at her seat belt.

A source close to the star told E! News:

“She was not drunk or on drugs, she is in the middle of filming a movie and flew across country to attend a charity event and return to filming. She was exhausted.”

WHOA! Who mentioned drink or drugs? The source has done an excellent job of making us assume that Whitney was filled to the eyeballs with booze and narcotics. It’s so obvious! The source said she wasn’t, which makes us all go ‘Uh-huh… right’.

Delta Airlines are now looking further into the situation because they’re hoping that they can meet Whitney or get an autograph or something. Alas, they “cannot comment on passenger or itinerary information.”

To us, it is obvious that she didn’t want to wear her seatbelt because she’s tired of living. She just wants to die in a plane crash like many celebrities before.

It’s not right, but it’s okay.

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Former husband 0f Courtney Cox and alleged actor David Arquette was thrown out of a Prince concert recently for committing the heinous crime of taking photos of ‘The Artist’ in his true, lizard form.

The singer has a notorious ‘no photography’ rule at his shows designed to protect him from the damage his reputation could take if the wider public was to see him in his true form.

However, Arquette managed to get his silly self into an altercation with security at the singer’s ‘Welcome 2 America’ shows at the Los Angeles Forum when a young boy flouted the singer’s no photography rule. The real pain of Arquette’s story is that this ‘altercation’ came straight after Prince had told the crowd they were allowed to take pictures.

Unfortunately, the snapping of Arquette’s phone set off security’s ‘Automatic Camera Detector’ and they were all over him like a cheap suit within seconds.

Prince still sells out arenas despite no-one truly knowing what he looks like. The mysterious singer is said to be able to hold his human form just long enough to take publicity shots but apparently hitting his stride during ‘Kiss’ renders it almost impossible not to revert back to the form which is natural to him.

Ignoring this obvious fact, David articulately said:

“Prince was like, ‘Alright, I’m about to play my hits, so get out your phones’. I didn’t take anymore pictures but the kid next to me was taking pictures and I still had my phone in my hand.

That’s not all though, folks!

“Security came to take this kid away and they said, ‘You gotta get rid of all those pictures on your phone.’ I said, ‘Prince just said we could take the pictures.’ And so I got kicked out of the Prince show.”

Unfortunately for Mr Arquette the usual response of ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ was greeting with bemused humming and frantic googling before they booted him anyway for having married that annoying tit from that awful sitcom. He was forced, like everyone else who has ever attended a Prince gig, to sign a non-disclosure agreement to ensure that the reptile-faced singer will never be discovered by the American government who would take him away and experiment on him.

Prince was said to be mortified by the news that yet another washed-up celebrity had been removed from his show. In 2006, Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) was forcibly removed from a Prince show for attempting to ‘tea bag’ the singer from a great height and in 2008 Alfonso Ribeiro tried to revive his popularity as Carlton Banks by doing his famous dance on stage. He was beaten to within an inch of his life by security.

It was brutal.

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You may well think that Prince is some kind of mental freakshow who lives inside a sock made of gold, eating tinfoil all day while stroking his waxy skin… but he’s nothing compared to the complete train wreck that is Whitney Houston.

That’s right. If you consider that Prince has to live with his weird self every stinking day, you’d imagine he’d have an astonishingly high level of tolerance for people who might be considered to be a little bit… uh… eccentric.

However, so nutso is Whitney that even Prince can’t stand her. Prince is so peeved with Houston that he’s banned her from his shows, taking away all her ticket privileges thanks to too many demands and her weird, weird behaviour.

Apparently, Whitney dragged her sorry ass to several Prince concerts in the last couple of weeks. While there, sources say that our Whitters appeared to be “intoxicated” at each show.

It is worth pointing out, for legal reasons, no-one at these shows saw Whitney throwing drinks down her famous throat like they were going out of fashion, nor indeed, did anyone see her using drugs. Like crack.

However, this does imply that she doesn’t need booze or narcotics to be spectacularly batshit.

One thing we can speculate on (thanks to TMZ chattering about it with some authority) is that Whitney was pleading Prince’s staff to let her get up on the stage to presumably sing or prance around like a soon-to-be euthanised horse. However, the pint sized soulster didn’t want her on his stage because he “didn’t want her to embarrass herself.”

There’s a video of Houston at Prince’s show below where, at times, she looks a bit dead behind the eyes… but that might be something to do with the fact that she’s currently receiving treatment in an out-patient rehab program for her drink and drug problems.

Well done you.

My early years took place in that terrible time of flux as the 80s closed and the 90s opened up.

The Berlin Wall was crumbling, Thatcher was on her way out, the greed-is-good years were still in full swing. So how the hell did the grown-ups of this era not do better than Saved by the Bell, Baywatch and Pat Sharp’s inhumane hair?

Thankfully we’ve been able to brush most of this era under the now-tastefully-plain carpet and are free to enjoy The Hoff’s slide into implosive alcoholism without red Speedos sullying anyone’s eyes.  However, this weekend saw a blast from the past. Much like long-forgotten pictures of you sporting yesteryear’s fashion you may remember this particular blast fondly, but would never admit that to your friends. PRINCE IS BACK!

OK, so Prince never really went anywhere, he’s not really stopped cashing in on his days at the top. But more than that, He’s actually been releasing at least one album every two years since 1978. His latest 20Ten has probably created the most fuss about the tiny, gender-bending tunester since he changed his name into ‘Love Symbol #2’. Tool. So explosively exciting world-stoppingly remarkable is this new release that it’s being given away free in The Mirror.

Oh come on! This is Prince! I’d expect some roaringly camp announcement of purple smoke, explosions and deed polling, not a freebie that’s more likely to be tossed out with the recycling than be listened to. But having had a listen, that seems about right. Prince is trying to recycle his 80s/90s sound.

Fashion goes in 20-year cycles, it’s the only reason flares aren’t totally extinct and the jumpsuit seems to reappear once in a while. Thankfully music doesn’t do this quite so much, there’s always a slightly new take on the original. Someone should tell Prince.

The album opens with the familiar and dated crash of electro-synth and drum machines that we all got bored of by about 1993. It’s angering to listen to the tiny bloke rolling out the same pompous toss, only it’s new so we can’t get nostalgic about it and are forced to admit that it’s just crap.

The third track on the album, Future Soul Song, is as overbearing as it sounds, trying too hard to capture the ambience of the opening bars of Purple Rain, but sounds more like the soundtrack of a particularly clumsy porn film. The whole album continues on this vein, being dated and wildly uninteresting, never coming close to the highly marketable bulls-eye of “this song might be tacky wank but I had some great times when it was on.” Hell, it even misses the dartboard of “this is tolerable to listen to”.

I wonder if the symbol has seen what a great rise in sales Michael Jackson has had in the last year and thinks all the 80s stars are on the up. If we’re not careful Terence Trent D’Arby will reappear with an equally forgettable release.

Thankfully 20Ten only cost me 65p and I did get a whole newspaper full of stories about mad Geordies with guns, which makes me think – Raoul Moat called it quits at about 1am, probably about the same time The Mirror was starting to deliver 20Ten to the nation. It all starts to make sense now.

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The Internet was unavailable for comment last night following the news that Prince has proclaimed its death.

That said, we’re pretty sure it Googled the phrase ‘career of Prince’ in order to come up with a definition of ‘dead’.

In an interview with The Mirror, Prince announced that “the internet’s completely over” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Rumours that he also believes that the days of ‘gravity’ and ‘the sky’ are also numbered are unconfirmed.

We can only assume the pint-sized funkster has become a PhD in Made-Up Science as he went on to state: “Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can’t be good for you.”

His new album is entitled 20Ten, once again showing his fondness for the use of numbers in song titles and album names. The numbers he favours must be the ‘good ones’ then, not those nasty old ‘gadget’ numbers.

“I don’t see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else.” Said the miniature publishing revolution, who has also shut down his own website and online store in favour of sticking his new CD to the front of a manky British tabloid.

Because that’s the future.

However, given the reported bulk of his unreleased catalogue and the sheer scale of competing distribution method ‘The Internet’, we can expect to see one his EPs glued to every unwanted take-away menu that comes through our door from now until the end of time.

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10 - If you don’t listen to this podcast before the end of the day, you are a helmet – Darkbeige.podbean

9 – The TV hat: sort of amazing, really - Watchwithmothers

8 - Mullets are illegal in Iran. Good. – AmyGrindhouse

7 - Oh go on then: here’s the world’s best ju-jitsu granny – Asylum

6 – We had a go on one of those magical Dyson Air Multiplier this weekend. Why aren’t these people bigger than Apple? – Dyson

5 - Expensive things being shot at by snipers. That’s probably all you need to know – Geekologie

4 - Want to know about the new Mad Men clothes? Of course you bloody do – Clothesonfilm

3 – Japanese Barack Obama. Possibly not offensive. Possibly quite offensive - Buzzfeed

2 – This is a dark day for competitive eating enthusiasts. A dark, sort of funny, day – TotalProSports

1 – Bears are invincible. OR ARE THEY?

Here’s a guest blog by Josh out of Interestment…

Contrary to what your destroyed and embittered careers advisor screamed into your face – flecks of saliva spattering your cheeks – becoming an actor isn’t just a hobby, it’s a job.

Just look what happens when non-actors like Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston give it a bash – they ruin films. Completely ruin them.

And yet, while those three were totally rubbish, every once in a while a marvelous young pop star will come along and blow our minds. Here are four great singers/actors…

1. Prince, Purple Rain

2. Eminem, 8 Mile

Stealing ever so slightly from Purple Rain, Eminem goes about proving to the competitive hip hop world that he’s got what it takes to win rap battles in small clubs in Detroit. Along the way he gets up to all kinds of mischief with his buddies – one of whom was the doctor in ER. And he has some mind-blowing sex with Brittany Murphy, who was presumably cast because she looks exactly like a prostitute. The scene at the end where he makes the middle-class rapper look like a ninny is the stuff dreams are made of. Eminem has never been so excellent.

3. Tina Turner, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

Before he became drunk with power, Mel Gibson starred in some great films, and this is one of them. Not only does it find the Australian at the top of his game, but it also finds Tina Turner on amazing form as Aunty Entity, a mean-spirited woman who is making hay in the apocalyptic sunshine. Not only does the singer – whose voice is like a packet of gravel, by the way – put in the performance of her damn life, but she also provides a moving soundtrack. Excellent.

4. Ice T, New Jack City

You probably know Ice T for his biting rap lyrics, and gangster posturing. But in 1991, he wowed the entire planet by taking the role of a big city cop with street smarts in this tale of drugs and Judd Nelson. Only a few short minutes into the film, and the power of Ice’s acting allowed him to morph effortlessly into the character of Detective Scotty Appleton. Some say that they couldn’t tell where Ice ended and Scotty began. Powerful stuff.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment. Hot damn that’s a good website!

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This is just a hunch, but we get the feeling that Prince smells like a mixture of hair lacquer, stale jism and very old ladies.

And we don’t know about you, but that’s a smell we’d love to imitate – that way people might think we’re a tiny androgynous control freak with no real sense of quality control, too. Oh, why can’t Prince ever get around to creating his own perfume? Why?

What’s that? Prince did create his own perfume last year? But it didn’t really sell because Prince refused to promote it? And now the makers of the perfume are suing Prince because they’re unhappy with his lack of cooperation? Oh. You do realise that we were only joking back there, don’t you? We don’t really want to smell like Prince. That’d be quite creepy. Who’d want to do that?

Prince, as we all know, is a creative polymath. He can sing, he can dance, he’s one of the best guitar players on Earth, he can make good films, he can make really shit films, he can make hit singles, he can make album after album of suffocatingly indulgent wank that’d even test the patience of his biggest fans, he can even eat vegetables convincingly. There is nothing that Prince can’t do.

Except sell perfume. Prince quite clearly can’t sell perfume.

Although the celebrity perfume market is already uncomfortably full – with people being able to smell like anyone from Kerry Katona to Sarah Jessica Parker to Paris Hilton provided they’ve a) got more money than sense and b) taken quite a sharp blow to the head – in 2006 some bright spark at perfume company Revelations decided that what the world really needed was a scent based on the world’s smallest, creepiest, most polarising 1980s hasbeen. And, since Mick Hucknall couldn’t be contacted in time, they decided to make a Prince perfume instead.

It was all set – the perfume was made, a suitably wonky-looking bottle was created, it was given the name 3121 after Prince’s current account PIN number – and then Revelations made their first mistake. They expected that Prince would help out with the marketing.

Now Revelations is claiming that Prince didn’t do any of this, and that’s why he’s being sued for $100,000 in a breach of contract lawsuit, as Reuters reports:

“Since July 2007, despite repeated attempts by Revelations there have been virtually no communications from anyone who could commit to or coordinate any promotional efforts by Prince,” the breach of contract lawsuit said.

If these claims hold any truth, it’s not particularly surprising. Prince is a law unto himself and whatever he wants to do – like partially demolishing some rented accommodation or demanding that all YouTube videos featuring babies dancing to songs are removed or doing a greatest hits concert and then playing a titting Foo Fighters song instead of, say, Raspberry Beret – then that’s just what he’ll do.

However, we get the feeling that even if Prince had decided to dedicate his entire life to promoting the 3121 perfume, it still wouldn’t have been a success. After all, everyone knows that anything baring Prince’s name that was created after 1988 smells like a dead dog’s arse, right?

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It’s our lucky day – previously when we’ve watched fights between midgets and wonky-eyed wimps we’ve needed a credit card and a Bangkok hotel room with cable TV.

But not any more because Prince and Radiohead are at loggerheads – the kind of loggerheads that will either end in legal action or a hot hot dwarf-on-perpetual-student erotic gangbang.

It’s all over YouTube footage of Prince performing Radiohead’s Creep at a festival, you see. Prince being Prince, he’s had all videos removed from the internet; but Radiohead being Radiohead, they want the videos unblocked because they wrote the song. Who’ll win? It’s unclear, but it had better not end up with the gangbang scenario, because that’s going to result in one ugly unwanted baby.

The internet has really thrown some cats among the pigeons of the music industry, and it’s opened up a fairly deep schism. On one side are those who think that the internet is the perfect way to forge grass-roots support free of the machinations of record labels and multi-album distribution deals, and on the other side are those who think that the internet devalues music and that artists should always be compensated for their work.

Previously those two ideas had stayed far apart, but they came crashing together in April when Prince played a version of Radiohead’s Creep at the Coachella festival, a gathering that was otherwise exceptional only because a pig blew off.

What was the Prince version of Creep like? Well, if it was anything like his version of the Foo Fighters song he played in London last year, it was pretty sodding abominable. But the truth is we don’t know what it was like, because Prince has yanked all recordings of it from YouTube and other video sharing websites.

Prince has a hardline stance on the internet. Even though he was possibly the first major artist to use the internet for distribution of his music over a decade ago, he’s since taken against anyone who wants to use his music or image on the internet, even if it’s a video of a baby dancing to a barely audible version of Let’s Go Crazy, and had all unauthorised work removed for breach of copyright.

But now Radiohead claim that Creep‘s copyright belongs to Radiohead, and that the videos should go back online. CNN reports:

In a recent interview, Thom Yorke said he heard about Prince’s performance from a text message and thought it was “hilarious.” Yorke laughed when his bandmate, guitarist Ed O’Brien, said the blocking had prevented him from seeing Prince’s version of their song. “Really? He’s blocked it?” asked Yorke, who figured it was their song to block or not. “Surely we should block it. Hang on a moment.” Yorke added: “Well, tell him to unblock it. It’s our … song.”

Of course Radiohead would say that. Radiohead love the internet, to the extent that they’re happy to give their music away for almost free on the internet. Radiohead love the internet and want to kiss it and have lots of sad-faced cyborgy children with it.

But we’re not even going to pretend that we know who’s got the legal upper hand here. However, it’s definitely good that there’s an argument, because it’s bound to cause two very brilliant things indeed:

1 - As a payback, Radiohead will record a special YouTube concert of nothing but Prince covers and refuse to remove the videos no matter what. This is good because as well as being a clever fan-pleasing reversal, it’ll also be funny to watch Thom Yorke – a man who tends to aim for ‘sexy’ and hit ‘six-year-old boy being ordered to kiss his grandmother goodbye’ – singing a song about a woman wanking herself off with a magazine, and

2 - Prince will stop playing interminable cover versions in the middle of his concerts and just do bloody Alphabet Street like everyone wants.

Or Prince and Radiohead will just keep squabbling until everyone thinks they’re all dicks. And that’s more likely, admittedly.