That’s fact. Paris Hilton becoming queen would be like that hilarious movie King Ralph except, instead of being about a fat American with bad manners it’d be about a stupid American with no manners. Plus it’d be funnier because it was really happening. And, if one wild-eyed report is to believe, it might just come true – Prince William has been named as a possible cause of the split between Paris Hilton and Benji Madden.

Of course, we’re joking. Regardless of the veracity of these reports, Paris Hilton would make a terrible queen of England. Her days are spent wearing embarrassingly ostentatious jewellery, simpering around important people without ever understanding what they do and leeching piles of money that she doesn’t really deserve. Meanwhile, the Queen’s days are spent… hey, wait a minute!

So Paris Hilton has split up with Benji Madden. It’s sad, we know. She didn’t even get to make an inadvertently repulsive sex tape with him or anything.

But this Paris Hilton/ Benji Madden split isn’t just another tiresome celebrity split story about a person nobody cares about and another person that people wouldn’t be able to recognise if he wore a big hat that flashed the words ‘I’M BENJI MADDEN’ while performing something called The Benji Madden Dance to a song called Theme From You’re Looking At Benji Madden, and wouldn’t even care if they did. No, for the Paris Hilton/ Benji Madden split could deeply change the face of western civilisation forever.

That’s not even an exaggeration. For the ever-reliable Fox News has decided to claim that one potential cause for the Hilton/ Madden split is Paris Hilton’s growing friendship with heir to the throne Prince William. Seriously, we’re not making this up. Look:

According to an insider… Prince William may have had plans to meet up with Paris to ring in the New Year, having spent quite some time with her while she’s been filming her “My BFF” show in London. So did Prince William’s extra attention irk Benji? According to an inside source, the ultra-quiet Benji can be well, kind of controlling.

Now, we know what you’re going to say. Prince William can’t elope with Paris Hilton because he’s going out with that girl who’s got a face like a dinner plate. But the more we think about it, the more Paris Hilton and Prince William seem suited to one another. For example:

*Both Prince William and Paris Hilton will never have to do a real day’s work in their entire lives.

*Prince William and Paris Hilton both have drunk little brothers.

*Prince William and Paris Hilton both sort of turn into wankers around the paparazzi.

*Neither of their families are particularly good at getting away with drink driving.

What’s more – and this is a very important point – Paris Hilton is tactically a very good choice for Prince William to pick as his queen. After centuries of institutionalised interbreeding, there’s a very good chance that the next generation of royals will essentially be a legally braindead, more-gruesome version of Sloth from The Goonies.

So, rather than continue scraping the bottom of the gene pool, it absolutely makes sense that Prince William should try to get Paris Hilton pregnant. He’s effectively found the only person on the planet with genes more simpleminded and deficient than his own. Genius.

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9 - Dear pubs, please start selling drinks this way. We don’t care if it makes them poisonous or anything, just do it – I Am Bored

8 - Thriller: The Musical. Coming Soon. We wish we were joking – Guardian

7 – Bill Murray hits a man. A man. For a change. Allegedly – Holy Moly

6 - Hey, own an iPhone but don’t think you look like enough of a pikey using it? Then you need a set of THESE - Etretouchy

5 - That new Terminator film sure is going to be pretty. Crap, but pretty – Filmonic

4 - Well look at this. A World Of Warcraft user with too much time on his hands. Who’d have thought? – YouTube

3 – Baby Macbooks. Want one, regardless of dubious copyright laws – Gizmodo

2 - Thank God Prince William’s got ugly. We think Britain would sink into the sea if it ever got a passably attractive monarch, you know – Popsugar

1 – Pop songs in toy shops. Genius – Popjustice

The most recent example of such folly is Prince William. Stolen photos of him and his little strumpet Kate Middleton were this close to being published before the photos were turned into the police.

And as such, we thankfully can now put away this bleach we had on hand in case we viewed the photos and needed to sterilise our eyes.

There should be a new law enacted that says that famous people must go through a famous people instructional course to teach them how to not be idiots. The main structure of the course would consist of teaching them to always wear undies with a short dress for a night on the town, never let your husband make a movie with Angelina Jolie, and a full semester on how to not let scandalous photos and videos into the hands of money whoring perverts.

The most optimal solution would not be to make them at all, because even if the photos never make it to the press, we all now know they exist, and it makes for a ridiculously exhausting time trying to block any and all images that may be conjured up.

Especially when the photos in question involve a pasty-skinned royal and his girlfriend. According to Great Britian’s The Sun, a couple of guys tried to sell photos of Prince William and his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, to the paper an hour after the camera was reported missing. Reportedly, Kate Middleton’s presence in the pictures is assumed at this point, seeing as Price William’s teeth obscure most of her face in all of the shots.

According to The Sun, the pictures apparently held some “sexy snaps” of the couple on vacation in the Caribbean. It seems that any other detailed alliterations were withheld before the publication turned the photos in to London’s Metropolitan Police.

We hope that Prince Willy and his girlfriend will be more careful in the future. Additionally, we hope and pray that any photos of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles that may exist will never be revealed, but since any pictures of them probably disintegrate instantly, we should all be safe.

Right? We’re safe, right??

For instance, when you're going to be King Of England all sorts of lovely young girls routinely throw themselves at you even though you're an uppity rugby tosser with insane male pattern baldness, a near-incomprehensible speaking voice and a face like a pre-kiln Toby jug of an Easter Island statue made by the blind lady from that Lionel Richie video. Plus people let you fly fighter planes.

That's basically what we're getting at – someone's decided to let Prince William fly a fighter plane. That's about it.

Unlike his layabout brother Harry, who can spend the rest of his life groping girls and pretending that he doesn't want a DNA test, Prince William knows that one day he'll be King of England, and that he has to prepare mercilessly for the overbearing responsibility of waking up every day, eating a swan, opening a hospital, eating another swan, throwing a bit of a tantrum when people take his photo, eating another swan and then going to sleep on a waterbed filled with the tears of the poor.

Actually, there's a little more to it than that. As King, Prince William also automatically becomes head of the British armed forces. Leaving aside the terrifying thought that an 81-year-old woman is currently in charge of an entire nation's military firepower – something that, from our experience, leads us to believe that Britain will soon go to war with the council and all these young people with their music that's all bang bang bang – it means that Prince William needs to get ready for everything to come. 

And, as head of the British military, Prince William needs to be able to fly a fighter plane, just in case the rest of the army all gets ill on the same day that there's an important country to bomb. So, starting from today, that's exactly what Prince William is learning to do. CNN reports on the start of Prince William's RAF training:

A defense ministry spokesman said William will first learn about modern air power and the traditions of the RAF. Then he is to begin flying lessons with several units, including support helicopter, search-and-rescue, air transport, and fighter aircraft. William will start his lessons in a training aircraft for fighter jet pilots, the defense ministry spokesman said. The prince will then learn to fly the four-passenger Squirrel helicopter.

Once that's done, Prince William will have achieved military experience in the army and the RAF, meaning that he'll just have to sail around the world in a Royal Navy submarine and he'll have got the hat-trick. Thus, able to kill foreigners on land, sea and air, Prince William will be able to lead the British Armed Forces effectively.

And if the man's got any sense, the first thing that Prince William will do is enrol his big-faced girlfriend to be the first one who charges into any conflict with a hunting knife clenched between her teeth firing a shotgun into the air. She needs the practise, you see.

Read more:

Prince's flying career is launched - CNN