Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Though I’m sure this is tragic news for those 14 girls who legitimately believed they would be the ones to marry Prince Harry, it’s joyous news to obsessive British royalty followers like my mom!
Just last month, the prince who started off as the less hot son of Princess Diana and grew up to be the way hotter son of Princess Diana, announced his engagement to actress Meghan Markle, and this definitely counts as some of the better news of 2017.
It seems like only yesterday 80% of all women and gay men here in the United States were decked out in their Sunday best at 4 am, obsessively?watching Prince William marry Kate Middleton.? It was a real life royal wedding, and as a country where RuPaul is the closest thing to a queen we got, it was glorious.
Then last year, these two beautiful people made an adorable baby for us all to swoon after.? But a year has come and gone, and the excitement about the soon to be toddler has waned.? But thankfully for us, Prince William has spread his WASPy sperm again, and another royal baby is on the way.
Older siblings tend to get more attention than younger siblings. Believe me, I know, I’m the oldest of four kids. In the entertainment industry, a lot of older siblings tend to get more credit for being more talented and attractive (Beyonce and Solange, anyone?), but sometimes, a little brother or sister not only out hots their older sibling, they also out talent them.
Here are 10 younger siblings that are getting noticed all on their own for not only being mega hot, but also finding their own success away from the shadow of their older brother or sister. These guys aren’t just stepping out of their older sibling’s shadow, they’re starting to cast their own.
Glory to the new born King and all that, because Duchess Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy yesterday. If that baby?wasn’t?born to ?The Circle of Life? playing before being dramatically hoist into the air by Prince William, then an opportunity has been missed.
Duchess Kate gave birth to the Royal baby boy, third in line to the throne, later than expected. Due to be born around the same time as Kanye West?s kid, methinks the baby sensed this and clung dearly onto Kate?s womb lest his name be forever associated with?baby North.
No wait, don’t keep scrolling. It’s about time that as a society, we embraced the ugly truth. Kanye West isn’t as bad as we once thought.?
Much like mould on a fine cheese, Yeezy is growing on us, and although it may seem like an icky idea, you’ll be glad it did in the long run. Sure, we once hated his guts for being a narcissistic douchebag, but who ever heard of a humble rapper? Sure, he constantly has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, but maybe a list of all the reasons he’s kinda-sorta-maybe not so bad might put a smile on his face and make him feel his Kanye Best?
What is the media’s obsession with seeing members of the royal family in their birthday suits? It turns out that it’s not only Prince Harry that enjoys being carefree and clothesless in the world. Today, French magazine Closer has published photos of Kate Middleton topless.
“So what?” you’re thinking. Well, this is the wife of the third in line to the British throne, who is currently in the middle of a media tour of the far East. She’s also one of the most recognised faces in the world, and she’s linked to a family which is known for its reserve and gentility (but is always featured prominently in media outlets when they don’t behave quite so well – see Wales, Harry for a bunch of perfect examples).
It really is heartwarming that our beloved Royal family have decided to take some absolutely typical Normal Just Like You And Me Pleb Citizens under their swannish wing, eh? Thank Christ for the Middletons.
The very normal Middletons are just like us, they really are. Apart from being already wealthy, having a penchant for wax jackets, having toilets made of diamonds and the whole Pot Noodle Doesn’t Make Up 90% Of Their Diet?thing.
And of course, Pippa Middleton is unique and special because she has a famous posterior which, astonishingly, went skiing in Sweden without melting the snow with sexy vibes. How does she do it?!
Bored of sitting on their arses in separate palaces, eating swan pate and beating servants, the Queen, Kate Middleton and Camilla Parker Bowles decided to go on a raucous girls? night out at Fortnum & Mason’s, where they ate indestructible biscuits, and Kate practiced her bending down to smile at children skills.
Once inside, away from the cameras, we can only assume that various nubile members of Fortnums staff were forced to strip naked and throw foie gras at each other while the royal wenches laughed and laughed.
All wearing blue jackets to cover their crudely printed ?Windsor Gals ON THA LASH!? t-shirts, they embarked on a short meet and greet where Kate Middleton smiled at literally four or five carefully selected cute children, and Camilla managed to go ten minutes without actually snarling at anyone, which is nice.
Since proving last week that she is perfectly capable of walking, talking and waving unaided by more than a medium-sized entourage Kate Middleton, the new Princess of Hearts, has been really earning her keep.
Walking, talking and waving is such super super hard work, make no mistake. Our Kate, Princess of Hearts, won't have anyone saying she's lazy and workshy: she took photos of her parents? balloons once and don't you forget it, you worthless scumbag single mother prole.
Kate?s recent solo walking, talking and waving mission took her to a school in Cambridge, where she also demonstrated some serious bending down and smiling at kids skills. And get this; she was doing it in a cheap dress! That's right, she got her dress in the sales, just like a common person! It was only ?162.50, and what can you get for ?162.50 nowadays? Practically nothing (except, you know, food for a family of four for a week). Well done, Kate, for being so thrifty!
Kate Middleton is now a blueblood. She’s married into the Royal Family, which gives her special dispensation from the law. She’s probably allowed to kill people and run over vicars with combine harvesters while setting fire to piles of tyres and griffins.
HOWEVER. She’s not like the rest.
Y’see, our Kate is willing to not only walk around us plebscum, but also, do it wearing clothes that you can buy from shops. Seriously. Someone should beatify her now…. if they do Protestant beatification that is.
