Karl Lagerfeld has the feminists and fat chicks bunching their panties in disgust over his latest outburst.

Remember. This is an outburst from an old man who works in the fashion industry.

We don’t know what magic mirror Lagerfeld is looking into, but despite looking like an anorexic-shell-less-tortoise/panda hybrid, Lagerfeld takes it upon himself to be the aesthetic judge of the universe. And this time, he’s decided to pass judgement on Adele. You can see where this is going can’t you?

However, we can’t help but think he has a point here: speaking of rotund songbird Adele , the spindly one said:

“She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.”

Right. And this is news to who? Lagerfeld might as well have stated that bears like to defecate in woods, or that Lindsay Lohan probably won’t be around to pick up her pension.

Considering his previous pearls of wisdom have included his theory on ugly men being the largest cause of Russian lesbianism, how no-one loves a fat chick and that all Greek have filthy habits, Adele got off pretty lightly. He didn’t even recycle a Yo Mumma joke or that one about fat chicks being like vespas.

Extra credit: Phil or Karl? Which quote is from loveable rogue Prince Phillip, and which is pure Karl.

1. Nobody wants Greece to disappear, but they have really disgusting habits. Italy as well.
2. People in magazines are 50% bimbo and 50% pregnant women.
3. What are you doing here? Well, you didn’t have to come.
4. My thing is to work more than the others to show them how useless they are
5. (Talking about Beijing) Ghastly
6. Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!
7. I’m rather pro-prostitution
8. Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?
9. I have no human feelings
10. (Talking about Stoke-On-Trent) Ghastly

Answers on reverse of page

So. Death! Pretty serious stuff. Pretty bad all round, you could say. Like that time that gentleman from the news died. Not the Bin Laden one, the other one. Not Jeremy Beadle. Oh no, wait, it was Jeremy Beadle, wasn’t it?  It was always Jeremy Beadle.

Oh god, it really was terrible about Jeremy Beadle. Right. Let’s just start again. DEATH. Que sera sera.  Whatever will be will be. The future’s not ours to see.

Prince Phillip

That should get the ball rolling. See, Phil clung to his life because… well… it’s brilliant! He gets to eat rare animals, be as racist as he wants, drink constantly and do absolutely no work (aside from occasionally meeting plebs and pointing at stuff). He’s got it made. Sadly, he didn’t die over Christmas, leaving us with a grisly Queen’s Speech (which would have been Her Madge silently sobbing for 5 minutes). 2012 is the year the Reaper catches up with Phillip and sinks his Battleship, just like in Bill & Ted.

Freddie Starr

Okay, so we’re a good two people into this list so far, and it may be coming across that we’re just picking people that we want to die, rather than who, say, biologically aren’t coming up trumps. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We love Freddie Starr. We love that he hates people thinking he ate hamsters, and talks about the fact he hates people thinking he ate hamsters for money and is quite well off because people think he eats hamsters. However, Freddie did have quadruple heart bypass surgery last year. And quadruple is loads. Also, there’s this whole thing that he might have eaten a hamster, which is just brilliant. Also, he’s a shoo-in for Suicide Watch. His mind has unravelled over the years, to the point where he might actually do it.

Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy, once a golden god of comedy and now, four time donkey in Shrek, is something of a wild-card choice. Essentially, Eddie seems in rude health… but he’s as mad a talking hedge. Reason? He willingly had sex without a condom on with Mel B. He’s clearly got a troubled mind and, with that, there’s always chance of a massive breakdown which leads to death by misadventure. Or, if you prefer, doing a David Carradine.

Cat Deeley

Well, you know we’re not having you on about this one. It’s been pretty obvious for a few years now that Cat Deeley is not one for this world. Here is just a typical picture of Cat Deeley hanging out in her garden. Nothing wrong with that. She clearly knows how to trim a nice Ivy. Very good. Although as you can see, her garden attire here really isn’t very fail-proof. If she doesn’t get nipped by the hedge trimmers, she’s most likely going to catch a bit of a sore throat keeping her oesophagus uncovered like that. Something to think about.

James Hewitt

Because somewhere down the line, James is going to be frequenting his enamel adorned sexy kitchen that he bought with his Diana memorial 50p box, and somewhere else down the line, he is going to uncover (either through therapy; or by Reddit) that he once did this.

Paul Daniels

Seems a bit harsh dunnit. Ol’ Paul Daniels, with his little face and smile, and his magic and his *googles* overwhelming urge to gas Ian Huntley to death apparently… Moving swiftly on. Phil is getting on a bit. And err, yeah. He’s old. The elderly die. Also – when you have an ‘Outspoken views’ section on Wikipedia though, there must be something a little up. He doesn’t like Alistair McGowan for example. For no reason. WHAT A DICK! A plague upon your house, Paul Daniels. A PLAGUE.

Michael Douglas and possibly an aggrieved Catherine Zeta Jones but only if she can be bothered

Yep.

Berry Gordy

Sure, Louis Walsh’s claims have been a little just plain insane and insipidly stupid out there during his constant forays over the years of X Factor. However, on missive was passed off as stupidity when really, it was a chilling prediction. When Walsh said that Berry Gordy wasn’t alive to see X Factor’s Motown weekend, he wasn’t kidding. Louis has insider information and his statement was actually a warning to those that want to see the American music mogul live. In 2012, assassins will take Gordy down, mainly for owning the record company that signed Bruce Willis as a recording artist in the ’80s.

Paul Gascoigne

Quite frankly pushing it now at 44 (which is 132 in Paul Gascoigne years), we predict the once great Paul Gasgoine is not long for this world either. After all, the bloke has not just bi-polar, but also OCD, and also bulimia, and also he gave a chicken to a psychotic once. Not very Gazzamania. Yes, we know what you’re thinking… but it is possible to die of a broken heart. And alcohol poisoning too.

Barry Manilow

*To the tune of Could it be Magic.*

Fractured ankle. Bronchial Pneumonia. Non cancerous cyst in upper jaw. Dicky eye. Dicky other eye too.  Christ Barry, just buy a damn foot spa. Could it be magic? No.

Basically – what all the above was, was a cry for help. But we still think Baz is gonna pop it this year. Besides, his face looks weird.

Jimmie Krankie

This would just be a breath of fresh air from all these years of living in a universe with ALIVE Jimmie Krankie.

Maggie Thatcher/Mezza

The UK could not be throwing enough shit at the walls with this one. Twitter rumours, prearranged state funeral, Shane Meadows pumping her face into mediocre sub-genre 80s dramas like Captain Howdy – we just really want her to die. Now with a Streep-handled Oscar biopic hastily chopped together on Windows Movie Maker, we should be good to go. Unless that gives her something to live for. Unless she uses the plastic from the DVD covers as a makeshift ventilation shaft and lives for another 20 years.  We’ll let you write your own ending to that one.

Neil Kinnock

If Maggie Thatcher goes, then rest assure, Neil Kinnock will go too. His sole reason for existing is to outlive Thatcher. Such was their rivalry in the 80s, Kinnock could well visit Thatcher on her death bed and say “I’m only hanging around to watch you die. I’m going to die ONE SECOND after you do, just to irritate you.”

Geri Halliwell

Now stop right there with your “But 39 year old Geri Halliwell is the picture of the healths” and your “The only Spice Girl who deserves to die is Emma Bunton for practically murdering Petula Clarke in her sleep with that Downtown covers”. Sorry guys, but you can’t hide from the truth. 2012, we will lose Geri Halliwell all over again. And for why? Well, we’re not entirely sure (But we’re still going to write a very long article about it unperturbed) but we believe it might be something to do with the Spice Girls revamped 2010 Children in Need single ‘Headlines.’ (which we’ve just realised 2 years on, might just be a subtle dig at those pesky tabloids who often hassle the girls, YOU’RE SECRET SAFE WITH US GIRLS!) Just think of Geri Halliwell, all in a bra writhing against a wall that doesn’t look like it has had proper asbestos cleansing. At least Mel C will be safe in her two-piece as punishment for being a lesbian with a triphop album in the 90s. What were we talking about?

Mark Owen

He drinks alcohol, he has sex with women, he’s about 4ft. Eventually either the weight of his adultery or the oxygen in the world will get to him first. It’s more a question of when, rather than ‘What the hell are you going on about?’

Bill Cosby/Chevy Chase

Suicide pact. Just you watch.

Bez

We don’t know. Because of physics? Because there’s only so much lenience festival organisers can have? Because of people being more Pussycat Dolls-orientated? Because Or a healthy combination of the three?

Alesha Dixon

Along  with whoever wrote the music for the new Haribo commercial, the people of the universe will no longer take the soundtrack to the annoying adverts and pick up their pitchforks and hound these people into caves where a team of dead-eyed bumpkins await to perform unspeakable and ultimately fatal torture. E4 to televise.

Michael Eavis

He’s killed music. Now it’s his turn.

Matthew Perry

Oh Matthew Perry. Oh Matthew Perry. Matthew, Matthew, Matthew Perry. Although he’s over that whole not very convincing Gwyneth Paltrow in a fatsuit morphine addiction phase of his life, our hopes are still not high for Matthew. It’s a shame. He was so sarcastic, and all “There’s no I in team, but there’s two in Martini so everybody BACK TO MY OFFICE!” Haha! Chandler Bing. We mean, he was just so sarcastic. But you know who else was sarcastic? Well, a few people. Like that bloke from black and white films, Other Pope, and Gary Coleman. And you know what happened to those people, guys? They died, guys.

Paul McCartney

Because firstly he spent the entire of the recent George Harrison Scorsese-documentary mid cataract-exam, and also: Ringo Starr has to be the last remaining Beatle.

Eamonn Holmes

Finally. One we can all agree on. Type 2 diabetes, in the kitchen, with the cream pie.

When we were walking back from the pub one evening, a man suddenly jumped out in front of us and gave us a warning. “Be careful of your actions, for they will mould the rest of your life”. "Umm, OK" we thought as the trampy looking bloke ran in to the night.

However, we hold our hands up now and admit this incident has come true. We all know about Princess Diana. She was the people’s princess, the princess of hearts. Despite being dead for over ten years now, she is still making the news. Just think of her as the equivalent of Tupac. But still, Mohamed Al Fayed claims the Duke of Edinburgh was behind a plot to murder Diana and his son Dodi before they got married. But some just-unearthed letters say he might not have been, actually. It’s almost like some sort of bad film script.  

Princess Diana is still big business. She's been dead for over a decade now, and yet newspapers are still full of chatter  about her, creepy commemorative death-plates are still being sold on eBay and this year there was even a concert to keep her ghost happy or something.

The one-off Diana charity gig offered a lot of performers the chance to turn up and pretend they cared about the cause – like Kanye West. We don’t think that he would dropped his best porcelain tea cup set at the news of her death in August 1997. Still the gig went ahead and provided us with plenty of laughs when the camera cut to members of the Royal Family trying to pull out the best disco moves, or when the random bands that performed tried to make some sort of dodgy excuse about what the Princess meant to them.

So ten years on, people are still bickering about who actually killed Diana and Dodi. Conspiracy theorists around the world wet themselves on a daily basis as they spawn multiple excuses. Did the Queen don her best camouflage gear and set out to kill them on some sort of sniper mission? Did the couple actually die but actually pay people to die for them so they could go and live on a magical island with Elvis and all the aliens from Roswell? Or did the driver just get pissed and lose control of the car?  

At the ongoing Diana inquest, evidence has emerged that the Duke of Edinburgh and Diana were in communication via letter. This may not seem that exciting, but it does go some way of pissing on Mohamed Al Fayed’s theory that the Duke wanted her dead. As the BBC reports, one of the letters written by him from 1992 said:

"If invited, I will always do my utmost to help you and Charles to the best of my ability, but I am quite ready to concede that I have no talents as a marriage counsellor!!!"

Diana replied with:

“Dearest Pa, I was particularly touched by your most recent letter which proved to me, if I didn't already know it, that you really do care. You are very modest about your marriage guidance skills and I disagree with you. This latest letter of yours showed great understanding and tact and I hope to be able to draw on your advice in the months ahead."

Unless he was the world’s greatest killer who coaxed his victim in to a false sense of security for over five years, Prince Phillip might not be the murdery old bugger some people thought he might be. With this theory of death by Royal Family order seemingly blown away, we can turn to the mystery of who keeps on stealing our bloody milk every morning.  

Read more: 

Jury sees duke's letters to Diana – BBC