Kate Middleton is now a blueblood. She’s married into the Royal Family, which gives her special dispensation from the law. She’s probably allowed to kill people and run over vicars with combine harvesters while setting fire to piles of tyres and griffins.
HOWEVER. She’s not like the rest.
Y’see, our Kate is willing to not only walk around us plebscum, but also, do it wearing clothes that you can buy from shops. Seriously. Someone should beatify her now…. if they do Protestant beatification that is.
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Being a prince must be one of the best things in the world. It must be almost as good as being Prince. You can literally do anything you want. Life is one long breeze and you can absolutely abuse the power bestowed upon you. All the time. You can probably have people killed.
Sadly, Americans don’t have any royalty, so they naturally look towards Britain for their royal kicks. Or the Kardashians. It’s a mystery why: gone are the days when the King or Queen took part in a battle. Somehow we can’t see Prince Charles plotting genocide in Malta.
These days, those in line to the throne are perceived as everyday common folk who we can all relate to. Kate Middleton for example shuns her royal tiara and instead wears frocks from the highstreet. Third in line to the throne – Prince Harry - also indulges in an activity we all like to do, drinking booze. Granted, you’ll never see him in a Wetherspoons, but he will be there to look after his mates if it all kicks off.
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The Royal family split opinion more than whether psychic Sally can communicate with your dead Uncle Ray. Love them or loathe them, Queen Elizabeth II and her slightly racist husband Phillip won’t be going anywhere soon.
Wouldn’t you cling onto your life if you had the cushiest job in the known universe?
Of course, most see the royals as old and stuffy. No-one connected us to them. Then, a new generation arrived in the name of Prince William and Harry who got drunk in nightclubs and actually seemed to have a day job. However, Prince Harry continued his grandfather’s trend of being inappropriate by dressing as a Nazi. Before the royal wedding, Kate was loved by everyone. Magazines praised her style and she was regarded as “fitter” than Camilla. But on her big day, she was upstaged by her own sister, Pippa “the arse” Middleton. What’s she up to then?
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Prince Harry is a very, very wealthy man. He could probably get people killed if he wanted to. It must be brilliant being him, even with the whole Not Sure Who My Dad Is Now You Mention It thing.
With all those coins, cars and boats at his disposal, it’s not difficult to imagine that Harry can’t move for tail. The ladies invariably throw themselves at him, with dreams of being a real life princess.
However, the press are adamant that Harry should have sex with his sister-in-law, Pippa Middleton. That’s right! The rags are courting these two, pressing their noses up at windows, overlooking a non-existent sex life. It’s astonishing. And now, it seems that Pippa ‘the arse’ Middleton is falling for it, hook line and sinker, playing out the role of nagging girlfriend before they’ve even had chance to buy condoms.
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Y’know Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? Of course you don’t… unless you’re 13 years old and have your member in your hand. For the grown-ups among you, she’s the new ‘piece’ in the woeful Transformers film. She’s the woman who has stepped into Megan Fox’s thong.
Looking at her, you can see she’s all neck and lips, very much the human form of Oblina from Aaah! Real Monsters. This, naturally, means that she’s a woman lusted after by the entire world (who doesn’t like a woman who is essentially a thin cylinder with a haircut?) and can have her pick of the eligible bachelors.
So who has she got her heart set on? Some dashing Hollywood dunderhead? Some corned-beef brained NFL player with arms wider than Ed Milliband’s vocabulary? NOPE. She’s wanting some of that Blue Blood in her system as she eyes up Prince Harry for nefarious night-time activities.
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Dolly Parton, despite being 93% man-made (like a Rustler’s microwaveable burger), is still one of the most brilliant humans on the planet. She’s only got 3 or 4 really famous tunes, but that doesn’t matter – the world is better simply by her existence.
Of course, like all country singers, Dolly has been unlucky in love. Deserving a lucky break, we hope that her wish to marry Prince Harry comes true!
That’s right. Dolly Parton wants to betroth herself to Prince Harry and all his fondness for dressing up like the Third Reich and smoking reefers. She’ll probably fix him and get him down the plastic surgery clinic in no time, leaving our heir to the throne looking like a cross between Hitler and David Gest. Who wouldn’t want to see that on the back of bank note?
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In what can only be seen as a classic case of people not doing their research, reading the Twilight series or paying any attention to the world around them, Robert Pattinson has sensationally not won the title of Most Eligible British Bachelor.
The man who portrays the character of Edward Cullen so wonderfully, in a manner which makes you think he even bothered to read the book (he probably had a spare afternoon), the man with a face he openly admits looks like a featureless wall of plaster and he with a personality to match didn’t win it.
What has the world come to?
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Our hero Prince Harry is to return home! The move follows the collapse of the news blackout deal that had been silently agreed between the MoD and newspapers and broadcasters in the UK and abroad.
Was it a British news source that broke the deal? No, sir, of course not – how dare you ask? – it was a foreign one. And which foreigners do we blame? That’s right: Australia; Those bloody foreigners. It was apparently leaked there in January, fortunately though, what with it being in Australia, nobody noticed, and it wasn’t until influential US website The Drudge Report got hold of the story that Harry was asked home. So we’ve been let down by two countries that we basically created.
But still, Harry’s home – Yay!
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