Kate Middleton is now a blueblood. She’s married into the Royal Family, which gives her special dispensation from the law. She’s probably allowed to kill people and run over vicars with combine harvesters while setting fire to piles of tyres and griffins.

HOWEVER. She’s not like the rest.

Y’see, our Kate is willing to not only walk around us plebscum, but also, do it wearing clothes that you can buy from shops. Seriously. Someone should beatify her now…. if they do Protestant beatification that is.

Kate Middleton is not only able to wear clothes AND walk around, but she’s also willing to do it on her own (and by ‘on her own’, we mean, without Prince William, but still followed around endlessly by Royal consorts, a legion of ladies-in-waiting, 400 sycophants and a security team)!

WHADDAGAL!

So what gloriously giving thing was the Duchess of Cambridge doing? She was attending a new exhibition by the late Lucian Freud at London’s National Portrait Gallery AND wore a coat by high street label Jesire for the occasion. Seriously. She’s like the new Mother Theresa or something.

Not only that, but One Of Us Kate wore Jimmy Choo heels, just like your Grandma used to wear when you were poor.

And where was Wills through all this? Well, he’s off playing soldiers with his posh friends in the RAF and has found himself posted to the Falklands for 6 weeks where he’ll occasionally appear before TV cameras in a flight suit, before being whisked off to some luxury underground barracks away from the proper workers in the armed forces.

While he’s gone lording it up in Argentina, Kate plans to patronise us all by perfecting her doe-eyed look at various charities around the UK.

A royal spokesperson told the Mail:

“The Duchess will have a handful of engagements while the Duke is away. She will visit all her patronages publicly at least once and continue to visit them privately.”

“It will be a busy period.”

It sounds like hell, the poor lamb.

Princess Diana was the Queen of our Hearts. Apparently. Quite why, no-one has ever really said. It would appear that she’s attained a lofty position in our affections because she was reasonably good looking and joined the glamorous Died Too Young Club.

Of course, if she’s in heaven looking down on us all, it is fair to say no-one wants to stand near her because half of her head is missing after she redecorated the inside of a French tunnel.

But what would she look like if she’d lived? Well, there’s no need to try and imagine that now as Newsweek have decided to recreate her with the miracle of computer software and plastered her wizened face on their front cover. No. Seriously. They have. Click over the jump to see her Royal Liverspottery.

Newsweek have decided to speculate about what Princess Diana might be doing at 50 years old. Apparently, she’d have ‘It’s Complicated’ as her Facebook relationship status (presuming she would still be with Al Fayed’s son, it is fair to say nothing would be straightforward with a man who has built a horrifying effigy of Michael Jackson outside Fulham FC’s football ground) and would be hanging around like a groovy wrinklemama with Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, who would’ve been her daughter-in-law.

Maybe she would’ve given her tips on how to stay slim by puking up your lunch by discretely sticking your fingers down One’s Throat?

Newsweek paint a bizarre picture of Diana, noting that:

‘Fashion-wise, Diana would have gone the J Crew and Galliano route a la Michelle Obama, always knowing how to mix the casual with the glam.

‘There is no doubt she would have kept her chin taut with strategic Botox shots and her bare arms buff from the gym.’

The piece also adds that:

‘After so many loves and losses, she would finally have let go of her rancour toward Camilla.

The story also suggests that Diana would also have been ‘poked’ on Facebook by French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Seriously. Make your own jokes up there.

Of course, we think that this is a crock of cack. It’s obvious that Princess Diana would’ve been ravaged by worry and stress, continually hounded by the paparazzi, prompting her to become a Howard Hughes-esque recluse, hitting the sauce and cigars as her only solace, and turning her back on a fashion world that seemingly loves Hitler.

As such, sliding into a desperate decline, Diana would break-up like bread in stagnant water, leaving her unrecognisable to the general public, allowing her to roam freely amongst us undetected. The loss of fame would see Diana turning to the last resort of sex with strangers in a bid to feel loved.

She would age prematurely and be found toking on expensive cigars, sent as gestures of goodwill by James Hewitt (star of Diana’s 2018 sex-tape), lonely in doorways, waiting to take advantage of ‘the kindness of strangers’.

She would die at 62 years old in an Inverness bedsit surrounded by dead rodents who choked on her sinewy cadaver. Dr Conrad Murray would be somehow implicated in her death after he is found cowering in a sewer clutching her preserved knees and a flank of skin from her back which contains Diana’s ‘THUG LIFE’ tattoo.

HAPPY 50th LADY DIANA!

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