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Simon Cowell Is Sorry About Cheryl Cole, But Still Refuses To Fasten More Buttons On His Shirt

by Mof Gimmers

Simon Cowell is pulling a sad face at the moment. Well, he’s trying to. The front bit of his head seems strangely immovable these days doesn’t it? It’s like a taut sausage, waiting to be popped with a fork. This is not a call to stab Cowell in the face should you see him. Where [...]

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Has Cheryl Cole Been Unceremoniously Dumped From X Factor USA For Perfectly Understandable Accent?

by Mof Gimmers

America has a huge variety of accents, from the baffling Boston garble, to the irritating Valley speak, not to mention the bizarre voices you hear in the Deep South. Sadly, America also has lazy earholes and can’t be bothered learning how to adapt to any European accents. And this could well be the reason that [...]

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Javine Wants Someone Who Can Actually Sing On X Factor (So She Can See What A Proper Singer Looks Like)

by Mof Gimmers

Remember Javine Hylton? No? She’s the girl famous for being called a ‘slag’ by Jamelia on Nevermind The Buzzcocks. Yeah. You vaguely recall that? Well, elsewhere, Javine has knocked uglies with MC Harvey, not won Eurovision and not won Popstars: The Rivals. Basically, there’s very little of note about her, apart from her curious teeth. [...]

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Cheryl Cole Really Doesn’t Want To End Up Like Paula Abdul (Who Does?)

by Mof Gimmers

Cheryl Cole is having a gay old time in America with her career going rather well. He’s got massive hair, a huge salary, gleaming teeth and sunny weather! What more could a young successful woman honestly ask for? Love, you berk. Everybody, as the song says, needs somebody. And with that, Wor Cheryl is looking [...]

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Cheryl Cole Booed For Reasons Other Than Terrible Hair

by Joanna Bolouri

Cheryl Cole has finally ‘arrived’ in America and we’re genuinely happy. Not for her you understand, we couldn’t give two hoots what she does, we’re just happy that we’re not within punching distance anymore. However, despite living off baby food in some odd attempt to get thinner and mistakenly asking her hairdresser for a big [...]

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Jennifer Lopez Hasn’t Been Subjected To Cheryl Cole Yet

by Matthew Laidlow

We haven’t seen much of Jennifer Lopez recently. We tried shouting her name every night through the broken windowpane in our rancid bedsit, but we’ve had no success – only letters telling us to pipe down before someone rips out our vocal chords with a butter knife. Suddenly it dawned on us as to the [...]

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Cheryl Cole Is Stressed And Eating Sandwiches With Her Mouth

by Joanna Bolouri

Here at the hecklerspray hovel we’re really happy. In fact we’re so deliriously chipper, we’re like the Von Trapp family, with our editor Mof playing a bearded Julie Andrews and making us all clothing from curtains the last tenant threw up on. So we’d have no idea what it’s like to be stressed, unlike that [...]

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Cheryl Cole: The Malaria Just Made Her More Angry

by Ralph Sanders

The New Year can be a time of reflection and introspection, a time to think deeply about the things which have happened to us over the past year. A time to slow down and think about bettering ourselves and how we can just generally making the world a nicer place. We don’t, obviously. We just [...]

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Lily Allen Delivers Street Justice on Video. Also: Swears a Lot.

by Ian Dransfield

Lily Allen – she’s that one who had pink hair, a godawful TV show and is generally a waste of space. Yeah, that sounds about right. Well now it would seem she’s got herself into MMA – that’s mixed martial arts – with some hardcore street fighting action. Well, hardcore may be a bit far, [...]

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Jennifer Love Hewitt Loses Weight: Integrity Follows Suit

by Ian Dransfield

Jennifer Love Hewitt was a blubbering wreck, on the verge of destroying her career by not weighing next-to-nothing. Fortunately, the girl saw sense and has shed that disgusting weight that was – both figuratively and literally – holding her down. Yes, friends, Jennifer Love Hewitt has gone and lost 18 pounds, after those photos appeared [...]

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