Okay. Hands up. Who’s missed Cheryl Cole? Hello? Did you hear us? Why can we hear tendons snapping? Well – erm – YOU’RE IN LUCK!

For that X Factor Expert and all round amazing woman what is good at chatting to people on strange curved sofas that don’t exist anywhere except post-watershed Channel 4 programmes has ‘reportedly’ (and Jesus Christ, we use that term lightly, this story was pulled from Star Magazine, where half the office are frequented by Nick Hardman’s idea of what women look like, and the rest: Frogs) agreed to be the face of a new late night chat show, like that time they did it with Charlotte Church, as part of the What To Do With Down to Earth Welsh People Scheme of 2006.

Anyway, the consensus seems to be it’s going to be a show kind of on the same lines.

Provisionally titled (Re: grasping wildly in the dark) ‘Late Night With Cheryl’, the show is promised by Mr T.V Insider:

‘They know she’ll be a massive ratings winner and is the perfect fit to pull in amazing guests.’

Well that’s put our mind at rest. FOREVER. And this ‘amazing guests’ thing – Graham Norton’s going to be kicking himself later.  So, yeah. This is happening apparently. Alongside that film career (WHAT? Don’t get upset at us, we didn’t do it!) she’s apparently having this year too, as it is paramount to heave multitudes of success on The Woman With Cheekbones and how brilliant it is that she has cheekbones, and how she should ultimately just have everything she wants time and time over until we can begin to try and fathom a world where a Geordie accent comes out of shiny haired people with teeth.

TEETH.

So there you go. Another one of those Balls of Fury/Rudetube dimly lit viral shows about hashtagging and pictures of celebrities is on it’s merry way to us, probably-not-really, with the crucial ingredient of Cheryl Cole’s wry voiceover FINALLY sought at last. We’re sure it’ll be like the dimly lit viral chatshow about hashtagging and pictures of celebrities that Chris Morris never had.

Still it’s not going to be as bad as when Peaches Geldof did it, because humanity can only achieve so much, or wear so many brogues that we’re all going to stand around and take pictures of later in a satanic circle in Camden Market whilst saying things like, “Hey! Did you hear about that guy who married a pillow? Yeah, Shaznay reblogged it whilst I was touching her thigh last night listening to related artists of The Big Pink.’

Sorry, we were talking about something.  Oh, it was Cheryl Cole wasn’t it? Maybe we should just stop talking.

Someone needs to get Oh My God Trampoline Guy an agent before this all gets out of hand.

Apparently, ITV’s surprise smash hit The Only Way is Essex is coming back for a third series on Monday and, in a desperate attempt to remind us why we gave a crap in the first place, they’ve been carting the stars out in front of the press. The excitement is almost too much for us to take.

Oh, look at that. We pulled through.

Of course, one star in need of a pay-cheque from the tat-peddling celeb factory that is TOWIE is Jessica Wright. Speaking to some awful red-top tabloid, the quintessential Essex stereotype told the braying masses what they can expect of her and it appears there might be a few changes.

Contrary to suggestions that she might be becoming a nun, the Hindenburg-bosomed beauty told a reporter that she is single and ready to mingle as the new series begins:

“I want to enjoy being single and I am sure producers will want to jump on the ‘me and Sam Faiers being single’ situation”

That’s handy. There’s nothing off about having a group of ITV2 producers running your love-life. Seriously. There isn’t. Guys… call us. We’re pretty morally bankrupt. We’ve got an idea for “hecklerspray Dates Gorillas” that we think you’ll really love.

Since parting ways (after an amicable contractual assessment) with the ridiculously named Joey Essex, TOWIE star Sam Faiers is also available for vaginal intercourse with strangers and apparently plans to celebrate this fact on camera… not like that:

“Sam and I have become really close friends since we started filming TOWIE and we both want to do more scenes together. They might show us going out on dates. “

Well, that’s good. Of course, the mention of scenes suggest that the girls might be supplementing their income in another way but far be it for us to suggest such a thing. Poor ol’ Jessica though. She’s a delicate flower and is a little bit worried that the presence of her little brother Mark Wright on the show might stop her getting things inserted in her on a regular basis:

“It’s harder for me because of my brother, the other boys don’t want to mess with Mark’s sister. It does annoy me a bit as Mark is able to do whatever he wants with his life.”

That almost seems like a reasonable statement but also seems to imply that she’s only allowed to shag inside her social circle. Sorry fans of Nuts & Zoo, Jessica’s only allowed to shag her co-stars which might be the first time that there’s ever been a shagging clause in the contracts but whatever works for ITV2, works for ITV2.

Jessica has high hopes that the new series will allow her to cast off the shackles of both her brother and her lighter-than-light, monastic librarian image and establish herself as someone that people might remember in five year’s time:

“I want to be known as Jess and not his sister. I want fans to see me more as a laugh than someone serious.”

Don’t worry Jess. We’re laughing at you.

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Have you ever looked at Simon Cowell and thought to yourself; ‘I’d like to get a load of plastic explosives and blow him and his botoxed face off the face of the Earth, just for giggles’?

Well, that’s exactly what Cheryl Cole did yesterday. Remarkably, she did it with the help of the British Army.

We don’t remember seeing Simon Cowell’s face on the infamous War On Terror playing cards though. Paula Abdul, yes, but no Cowell.

The Army, who clearly hate the music that Simon Cowell has unleashed on the world, got their explosive experts to give Cheryl the opportunity to blow up the music mogul.

Cole, while over at Camp Bastion, was thrilled to get the chance to blow something to kingdom come.

Sadly, it was only a dummy of the X Factory Foreman.

Cole apparently said:

“His head needed to be a lot bigger and the trousers could have done with being a lot higher.”

“It was nice to hold the cards for a change. This moment will live in my memory for a long time! They sprang it on me. I had no idea Simon the dummy was going to be blown up. It was good to see everyone having a laugh.”

Yeah. Blowing stuff up is a laugh! We can’t fault that line of thinking.

Unless, of course, you’re blowing up a busy shopping street with a lunchbox filled with explosives strapped to your stomach. That’s marginally less fun.

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Everything changes and develops into condensed shiny version. Even social networking has evolved. In the beginning we had MySpace, a tool where any idiot could upload appalling songs in the vain hope of being snapped up by a label. Facebook pinched the audience of MySpace, simplifying the clumsiness of its predecessor before Twitter cut out the marketing spam and made everything feel more communal.

Twitter allows the entire world to know what you’re doing in a continual burst of status updates. Refreshing as it is to know your mate is suffering from chronic diarrhoea, it’s the celebrities who are best value as sometimes, they totally fail to self-edit.

We think of it as friendly stalking from afar, eliminating the chances of you being caught furiously masturbating outside your favourite slebs house. And now, poor Cheryl Cole who has been out the spotlight for a while, has signed up to twitter which means we can find out exactly what she’s thinking (follow her here).

Every girl group has a member who somehow maintains popularity and press coverage despite doing nothing at all. As far as we’re aware, all of the other members of Girls Aloud aren’t doing anything that’ll bankroll them for the rest of their lives. Nadine released a flop album, the ginger one did something with make-up, Sarah Harding starred in a couple of ropey films and we can’t remember the other one. Wasn’t she called Bridgett? Whatever her name, her and all of the other members combined haven’t been up to much compared to Chezza.

And poor Cheryl became the nation’s sweetheart… the innocent dimple cheeked lamb who always suffered at the hands of other people.

First she had to face the behaviour of on/off partner Ashley Cole who was sticking his penis in other women’s love tunnels. And men too, if you believe those completely libellous rumours.

In more recent times, Cheryl suffered at the mercy of entertainment lord and music’s greatest enemy, Simon Cowell. Because Girls Aloud wouldn’t ripple in the gigantic pond that is the American music market, Cheryl was given a chance to break the lucrative Yank market and tell a bunch of deluded singers over there that they were rubbish. That’s right, X-Factor was going Stateside and a humble Geordie girl was going along for the ride. After months of dragging the American judging panel out, there was a problem. Cheryl’s Geordie accent wasn’t cutting the peas pudding and she was asked to leave.

And Paula Abdul bullied her.

Since X-Factor dried up, Cheryl Cole has disappeared. Where has she gone? No new music has been released and there’s been a lack of patronising makeup adverts on the TV. Toilet attendants might be on edge. But fear not! Everyone can now catch up with what Cheryl is doing all the time. From refusing her super skinny cappuccino because it’s too fattening, to planning magazine shoots, we’ll get to know everything that’s going on thanks to Twitter.

So far, @cherylcole has only tweeted twice. They include:

“It’s me CC! WHERE MY SOLDIERS AT…….?!!! I can’t believe what my fingers are doing but yes I’m tweeting :-s so here goes…X”

It appears that she might have fled to Libya to head up the rebel troops movement. And:

“Happy birthday Cameron, you sexy beeeyyaatchh…X”

Clearly Cheryl Cole is a Tory supporter and is keen to show off her mad love for her number one politician BFF, David Cameron.

@stephendfry might have competition on Twitter, but not @hecklerspray. Poo jokes are as intelligent as we get.

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You may remember a few months ago (and if you don’t remember, you’re a liar, because we ALL remember. We just don’t talk about it anymore) someone, somewhere on the horizon of logic sacked Cheryl Cole upon realising she is an entirely pointless human woman.

Yeah, you remember. It was brilliant.

After years being mollycoddled (and there really is no other word for it, that bitch got  mollycoddled good) by Simon Cowell after a number of years of voluntary blindness, a promotion to LA fell flat on it’s arse, because some brave stallion of a man stood up in a board meeting and suddenly realised “Hang on a second. This woman’s dimples aren’t cute enough to warrant a legitimate and vibrant media career at all! We’ve all been duped!’ and Cheryl Cole, alas, alas, hung up her stupid purple stupid trousers which were stupid, and headed back to England, to do something or other.

Those months were some of the most significant pieces of clarity that we have ever experienced. But now it’s time for the hideous comedown, which falls into the shape of the following piece of information: Cheryl Cole is now to become an actress.

It has surfaced that Cheryl (Or ‘Chezza’, if you’re a Heatworld.com reader) will be appearing in an upcoming terrible film called What To Expect When You’re Expecting – a hilarious romcom about pregnant people starring Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez. What’s that you say? Why have two has-been, incredibly untalented and unattractive women when you can have three? Well, yes, bit cruel – but fair point, guys. Fair point.

On top of this, new rumours are now floating around that Cheryl’s infallible multi-talented abilities will also be taking place in a guest spot in everyone’s favourite masochistic orgy series Glee, and everyone’s second favourite masochistic orgy series How I Met Your Mother.

These rumours appeared to begin after Matthew Morrison, (who apparently is in Glee, but how the hell would we possibly know) lied to the press today professing:

“She is a talented girl. Appearing in Glee would be a good way for Cheryl to crack America.”

Brilliant. Cheers Cheryl. It’s going to be an absolutely awful 2012, and we’re all going to have to actually watch the Olympics now.

Citizen Kane 2, anyone?

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We haven’t seen much of Cheryl Cole since America decided that it really, really hated her voice. As such, Cole almost vanished from the planet, if you don’t count the endless speculative articles that surrounded her for months.

And we could well be seeing a lot less of her as she’s been granted an superinjunction (please note, it is more of an ‘injunction’, but ‘superinjunction’ is a buzz word used to describe pretty much anything these days) which means that anyone who takes her picture without permission could end up having their collar felt by the long, stinky arm of the law.

Basically, this court order has been issued against “XYZ and others”. This means that anyone who has photographed her ‘at her home and in the street during 2011′, will be breaking the law. That means you excitable Cheryl fans could get arrested for snapping her. So what can we all do to get around it? Photoshopping images is the key!

If you’re a fan of Cheryl who newspapers might describe as ‘loyal’ and are mental enough to camp out to see her in various places ‘just to see if she’s okay’ or shout I LOVE YOU CHERYL for no reason at all, any photographs you take will be against the terms of the order.

Of course, if this proves vaguely successful, other celebrities will waste absolutely no time in getting their own orders out.

As such, we’ll be faced with the strange event that a celebrity will happily pose for photos at events, yet, they don’t want their photos taking at all.

Wouldn’t it be funny if all the media outlets clubbed together and decided that they wouldn’t take a picture of a celebrity ever, ever again, replacing their images with photoshopped horrors.

Such as? Well, let hecklerspray get the ball rolling with some suggestions. If we can’t snap Cheryl anymore, we’ll just have to imagine what she looks like these days.

You’re welcome.

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We live in a world that is dominated by girl groups… and it really is fantastic. Rock is pretty much dead in the water, filled with bloated, self-worthy fellas with guitars peddling pedestrian, plodding pish. The girls meanwhile are making fun, Friday night records. Apart from Adele.

And now that Cheryl Cole has been ‘freed’ from the shackles of television and Simon Cowell, she’s now able to rejoin Girls Aloud to once more make quirky, witty pop. Which is a relief.

She’s looking forward to it too, saying that she’s “glad” not to be a part of The X Factor circus anymore. And with a GA comeback afoot, she can drum up some publicity by taking needless swipes at everyone. Aaaah, it feels good to write this hackneyed old crap again.

Apparently, Cheryl has told chums (or as they’re known in the press, ‘sources which have never met the person who is being written about’):

“I’m actually really happy not to be on the show now. It was definitely the right decision for me,”

“I was so badly mucked around by Simon and everyone involved. I don’t want that in my life any more. I’m better off without it.”

She reportedly added:

“I’ll make my own decisions now and not have to be dependent on someone else. I’ve moved on. I’m loving being home and being back in Britain. It feels right for me right now.”

“Nobody realises this but I never actually had this great dream to break the States. It was Simon who encouraged me to take the job there. If I never come famous in America then that’s fine with me.”

And this is all because Girls Aloud are coming back in 2012. Nicola Roberts is, of course, creating something of a storm with her new single, Beat Of My Drum, which isn’t actually as great as everyone claims, rather, being an example of a pop star who everyone is rooting for thanks to a refreshing lack of ego and a will to make immediate, vaguely quirky pop. Nadine Coyle could learn some lessons in humility from ol’ Nicola.

So once Roberts has wrapped up her promos, Cheryl will be waiting at camp GA, stating that she’d arranged to rejoin the group and isn’t one for going back on her word….

“I always keep my promises, unlike some people.”

“I’d never go back on my word. I always honour my ­commitments, unlike some people I know. I keep my ­promises.”

Hear that Simon? Of course you didn’t. You’re too far up a former Pussycat Doll’s arse to hear anything at all. Either way, it’s looking likely that Girls Aloud will be making an appearance at the opening on the London Olympics in some way, which is just brilliant news.

And no, we’re not being sarcastic.

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One of the odd things that surrounds Cheryl Cole, is people’s propensity to note that she was working class. It is supposed to be a negative that she’s a chav who got lucky – like that’s a bad thing. It is unfortunate then, that she’s now indulging in a playgroup scrap with Simon Cowell, indeed reminiscent of a scally spitting at a dinner lady.

Apparently, the friendship they had is now over and dead. Which isn’t so good for her television career, which we know you all enjoyed.

So what’s the beef? Well, the Girls Alouder (do they still exist or are they simply in pop-limbo?) isn’t particularly chuffed that Cowell decided to talk to the press about her axe from X Factor USA, which saw the mogul saying that Chezza was ‘nervous’ and ‘uncomfortable’ on the show.

It would appear that Cowell had promised to keep his big mouth, filled with denture-white teeth, well and truly shut… which of course, he didn’t as he chattered on endlessly about Cole’s replacement, Nicole Scherzinger (which is irritating for people like us who like surnames that are easy to spell).

It appears that Cole told friends:

“If he thinks we are going to be friends he can forget it.”

“If Simon thinks he can claim it was a business arrangement that went wrong, he is insane. She wasn’t uncomfortable on the show. She was enjoying herself. No one complained at the time.”

Like a schoolyard quibble, it would appear that Cowell didn’t do the dirty deed himself, getting someone else to do it for him like the little jerk-off who starts a fight then sends in the big lumpen mate to actually start throwing the punches.

“Simon admits he got his top producer Richard Holloway to tell her she was off the US show – that’s because he was afraid to do it himself. Cheryl trusted him implicitly and she doesn’t do that with many people. He made a mockery of their friendship so now it’s dead in the water.”

But this is all bollocks isn’t it, stirring up interest for the American version of The X Factor, so what do we care?

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Poor celebrities. They need the press to promote their wares and, of course, the best way to keep the hacks interested is to give them a sense of allowing them into their inner-sanctum. The writer gets to live vicariously through the star and a notion of exclusivity, while the celebrity gets to stay in the public eye, as a visual aid that they’ve got things you can buy of theirs.

However, at some point in a sleb’s career, they must become irritated by the press intrusion. It appears that they’re under the impression that they can play ball for a while, and then walk away when it suits them, only to return when they actually have a product to push.

Sadly, ‘celebrity’ is not on a Pay As You Go contract. Your short shelf life is in symbiosis with the will of hacks to shift units of newspapers and magazines, and so, when you’ve tired of the press writing about you, all that remains for a celebrity is to either give up on fame, or go talk to the very people who pose the problem of your life being no longer yours. And here’s Selena Gomez…

Complaints from the spotlight are nothing new. For years, musicians have been carefully placing a surreptitious comma in their well worn whines.

When a famous band says: ‘We won’t be doing any interviews to promote our new album’, they actually mean: ‘We won’t be doing any interviews, to promote our new album’.

And Selena Gomez isn’t happy with the press, and of course, ran straight to them to speak about how awful her life is.

On the back of a highly-publicised, orchestrated holiday with boyfriend Justin Bieber, which saw the young couple snapped while frollicking on the beach, set-up with various photography agencies and the like, Gomez rolls her eyes and wishes it weren’t all true.

She admits to a media outlet that she:

“doesn’t like it personally”

And the wilds of the internet aren’t going to help her either. While she may have found trace amounts of opinion online, she’s wary of the danger of getting hacked.

“I got hacked one time. They just hacked it, and we hacked it back and I apologized to my fans.”

She continues:

“[The hackers] put mean things about people I didn’t even know.”

Who would do such a thing? Slagging people off who you’ve never even met is the work of astonishing scumbags who should be forced to sit in a darkened room with a laptop, to write clunky jokes that don’t work while gently rocking back and forth while sobbing into their cold tea.

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Here at hecklerspray, there are just two things guaranteed to make us deliriously giddy. One is watching the munchkin scene from The Wizard of Oz, where they’re all dead happy and singing about death, making us truly believe that all tiny people singing people are filled with love for each other.  The other is Justin Bieber walking into a glass door (no need to explain why).

So when we heard that two tiny borebag pop stars, Cheryl Cole and Paula Abdul were not BFF on the X Factor, it almost destroyed us.

We can still hear Matthew Laidlow crying at night when he thinks everyone in the squalid ‘spray residence is asleep.

An insider from the inside of something said:

‘Paula didn’t take to Cheryl at all and treated her like they were in high school’

‘She completely blanked her and pretended not to know anything about her. Cheryl was supposed to sit next to Simon but Paula had a tantrum and Simon backed down’

It’s like Saved by the Bell all over again.  Let’s hope Paula didn’t say anything mean about Cheryl’s clothes.

‘Paula was really passive aggressive and said things to Cheryl like: “That’s an interesting outfit – you have unusual style.”

Oh she did.

Fair point though.

It all became too much and Cheryl confronted Paula about her bitchy attitude resulting in a West Side Story dance off with moves Paula choreographed in 1988.

Okay, that probably didn’t happen but apparently Cheryl’s temper raised it’s ugly lollipop grabbing head and she called Paula a c*** to her face. Even better.

How we wish this was true.  We may start liking her.

Bye bye.

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Simon Cowell is pulling a sad face at the moment. Well, he’s trying to. The front bit of his head seems strangely immovable these days doesn’t it? It’s like a taut sausage, waiting to be popped with a fork. This is not a call to stab Cowell in the face should you see him.

Where were we? Oh yes, Simon is all sad. That’s because he’s had to watch his chum Cheryl Cole getting dumped by people more powerful than him, making the whole thing doubly wounding.

Since getting the chop from X Factor USA, Cheryl Cole has gone into hiding, ignoring everyone’s calls and texts (especially those sent by us, but then again, she’s been ignoring them since Girls Aloud liked each other), leaving Cowell to break the silence on the whole thing.

It appears that the person taking Cheryl’s place on the show is… uh… Simon Cowell, but he’s feeling really, really bad about it. Honest he is.

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

…says Simon, now down to a mere three buttons fastened on his expensive, yet boring shirt.

A source says that Simon’s hands were pretty much tied about the whole Cheryl Cole thing.

“He loves Cheryl and did everything in his power to get her on US TV. But channel chiefs just weren’t happy. It was a necessary evil and he feels terribly guilty about it.

“He knew he’d get a slap in the face from her for all of this – and he certainly got one. But he doesn’t want any bad blood.”

Does anyone actually believe any of this guff? Cheryl getting the boot because of her accent? On a show that has Steve Jones presenting?

Really? REALLY?

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America has a huge variety of accents, from the baffling Boston garble, to the irritating Valley speak, not to mention the bizarre voices you hear in the Deep South. Sadly, America also has lazy earholes and can’t be bothered learning how to adapt to any European accents.

And this could well be the reason that Cheryl Cole has been replaced by Pussycat Doll Nicole Sherzinge weeks before the show airs.

Of course, Cole has been a vaguely controversial choice for a judges chair on the show, basically because she’s a relative unknown Stateside, and there have been concerns over the fact that Cheryl has a Geordie accent. However, it would appear the lack of chemistry with Paula Adbul could be the reason, despite the fact it is nigh on impossible to get a rapport going with someone who has all the vitality of a euthanised Basset Hound.

Cole was supposed to star alongside Simon Cowell and LA Reid, despite her regional accent. She, however, insists that it hasn’t ever really been a problem over there.

“Americans can always understand me. I’ve been here a lot, I’ve got a lot of American friends and we have the odd moments where they’re like ‘What? What did that mean?’ – you know, a phrase.”

“But I think that it’s going to be something that people get used to. And I’m proud of my accent.”

You have to remember, one of the thickest popstars in history, will.i.am of The Black Eyed Peas, can understand Cheryl Cole perfectly well, unless he’s simply been nodding politely for the past coupla years he’s known her (not impossible, granted).

But whatever. Fox and Cowells representatives don’t want to talk about the rumour that Cheryl’s been fired from the show, which probably means she hasn’t been handed her P45 at all and this is all excellent hype building for a show that could well take over America completely.

$5million to the winner too.

Oh, and if you’re wondering where all the jokes got to, you have to remember that we wrote all this while doing a poor impression of a Geordie accent. Idiots. Do we have to wipe your asses too?

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Remember Javine Hylton? No? She’s the girl famous for being called a ‘slag’ by Jamelia on Nevermind The Buzzcocks. Yeah. You vaguely recall that? Well, elsewhere, Javine has knocked uglies with MC Harvey, not won Eurovision and not won Popstars: The Rivals.

Basically, there’s very little of note about her, apart from her curious teeth.

However, this hasn’t stopped her from slating people with more success and more talent than her (she should totally write for hecklerspray with that attitude) and has launched a broadside against those that appear on The X Factor.

Javine has said that Simon ‘Vince McMahon’ Cowell needs to hire “someone who can actually sing” to sit on his all new X Factor judging panel.

Of course, this isn’t sour grapes at all and nothing at all to do with the fact that she narrowly missed out on a winning spot on Popstars: The Rivals to Cheryl Cole, who obviously went on to be in Girls Aloud with great success, as well as having a well received solo career and not to mention the whole television thing too.

Javine says:

“It would be nice to have someone on the panel that could actually sing. At least when you watch ‘American Idol’ Randy Jackson has been in the music business and is a singer and a vocal coach.

“They need someone like that on ‘The X Factor’, even if it is a vocal coach it would be nice to have someone who knows what they’re talking about.

“It always sounds slightly weird when you hear certain people passing comment when they don’t really know how to do it themselves.”

Javine added:

“It would be nice to get someone with a bit of weight behind them, who has been out there – Beverley Knight or someone like that.

“It would be really nice to have a black person on there as well because there’s never any black people who get into music in this country. You know, spice it up a bit. Come on! I think Kelly Rowland would be amazing.”

Javine is currently not doing much and obviously not aware of the plethora of young black British singers currently ruling the British pop roost.

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Cheryl Cole is having a gay old time in America with her career going rather well. He’s got massive hair, a huge salary, gleaming teeth and sunny weather! What more could a young successful woman honestly ask for?

Love, you berk. Everybody, as the song says, needs somebody. And with that, Wor Cheryl is looking at fellow X Factor USA judge, Paula Abdul and thinking, ‘Cor! I don’t want to end up like her! A hallowed out husk and terminally single while being half a century years old!‘

So does this mean Cheryl’s desperate to get married? Only a rabid, idiotic tabloid would say something as presumptuous as that, right… wait… what? She is desperate to get married? Oh.

Basically, it would appear that Cheryl doesn’t want to be a dead-looking career woman and would actually rather like to have some kids and all that junk.

And this is all because she keeps sitting next to Paul Abdul. Straight up.

A source, who we must trust implicitly, says:

“Cheryl thinks Paula’s existence must be a lonely one. Paula’s nearly 50 and twice divorced with no kids. The thought of ending up like that terrifies Cheryl.”

“She’s always wanted to be settled with a family by that age and she’s desperate not to get sucked into her career. When she was married to Ashley Cole she thought she’d have kids by now. Seeing Paula reminds her how easy it is to spend so much time working that you neglect your personal life.”

Lock up your sons. Not because Cheryl’s on the prowl, but rather, because you should try and bag her while she’s appallingly desperate.

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Cheryl Cole has finally ‘arrived’ in America and we’re genuinely happy. Not for her you understand, we couldn’t give two hoots what she does, we’re just happy that we’re not within punching distance anymore.

However, despite living off baby food in some odd attempt to get thinner and mistakenly asking her hairdresser for a big backcombed ‘do that would put even Vincent from 80′s show ‘Beauty and the Beast’ to shame, it seems that America hasn’t quite welcomed her into their over-sized  bosom yet.

Yes, it’s been reported in some newspapers that Cheryl was booed on the second day of her new job for telling US X Factor contestants what she really thinks (pet) and not because the entire auditorium couldn’t see over her giant hair.

She asked one contestant if she was singing in a different language and had the audacity to say ‘no’ to a 13 year old:

“You’re 13 so have plenty of time to practice. I’m sure you will be great when you come back for X Factor in a couple of years. But I’m going to say no”

If only someone had been that ‘cruel’ to Justin Bieber, we might all have been very different people, living in a much happier world.

Anyway, she doesn’t care in the slightest as will.i.am has predictably appeared beside her like creeping Jesus to throw her champagne parties, get her drunk and generally try and cop a feel when she falls over. A source said:

“Will was keen to settle Cheryl in LA and put her in touch with some important people. He’s filled her diary over the next few weeks so she has plenty to do.  He hopes to improve her profile and ensure she doesn’t get homesick.”

AND TOUCH HER BOTTOM NO DOUBT.

Cheryl will be alright though. She’s brought tea and biscuits with her to keep her company but let’s hope she doesn’t get a craving for lollipops eh?

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