Hello. Are you a Westlife fan, troubled by the news that your Princes are going away to enjoy their moneyed-lives with their families and friends? Are you worried that there will suddenly be a void of mawkish, soaring ballads to sooth you while you self-harm in a bath of ice?

It’s bad news we’re afraid.

Westlife’s members have confirmed that the musical equivalent of an itchy jumper are unlikely to ‘do a Take That’ and get back together in a few years. Is it because Take That were always more relevant to pop music or is it because the Boyzone tribute market isn’t as lucrative as it once was? Who knows. Certainly not us.

There’s definitely no question of money. Especially not after Westlife announced that they will part next year after releasing a greatest hits compilation and going on a tour of Ireland & the UK (because no other countries care). Definitely nothing to do with grabbing a quick buck before they head of into the wilderness to await their call to the Never Mind The Buzzcocks ‘line-up’.

Kian (whoever that is) told someone or other that definitely wasn’t us:

“We walked away from a multi-million-pound record deal that would have changed our lives forever, secured our future beyond anything.”

Not that they’re skint, you understand. A career of covering other people’s hard work and standing from a stool when middle-aged women scream at you is both reminiscent of a Chippendale and surprisingly lucrative.

“It’s not about the money. We’d have made far more on a new record than we ever would with a comeback tour.”

Oh, good. It’s not about the money. They’ve decided they don’t want to put out a concept album. Presumably a concept album of them covering other people’s concept songs. We can’t confirm anything because they’re splitting up. Kian refused to address the issue of how much money they would make out of a greatest hits album and a farewell tour, having our hecklerspray reporter removed when he audaciously suggested that he was a money-obsessed hypocrite in a stained white suit.

Still they’ll make some money from their inevitable solo careers. Another Westlife member- apparently- Shane also told reporters that they will support each other when one decides to release an awful solo album, aiming to become the 21st Century’s Daniel O’Donnell.

“The first person to decide to do a solo record, the other three will all be there.

Wait… if they’re all there… would that not be another Westlife record?

“Everyone’s thought about going solo — I would love to continue singing for a living.”

At the moment though, Westlife are channelling all their efforts into the farewell tour, making sure that their stage show isn’t as boring as their music. Luckily, nothing was mentioned about ticket prices. It’s not about the money after all. It’s about the opportunity to say goodbye to their fans. Perhaps they’ll waves handkerchiefs… or £50 notes.

In case you gave half a hoot, Brian McFadden (the one whose name you know because he mounted Kerry Katona like a peroxide stallion) will not be joining them on stage. Apparently he has enough money. Somehow.

“We still sext him and stuff, but he’s not coming back.”

It’s a terrible time to be a Westlife fan. But then by the same token, we imagine it’s not been a great 13 years. Don’t worry though. They’ll be back in a few years. Bet your house on it.

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Walter Pandiani might be little more than a jobbing footballer to those of you who have actually heard of him, but from this day forward, he’ll be known as that poor, poor, sweaty bugger.

He currently plays for RCD Espanyol as a striker and has played for a bunch of other teams that you don’t rightly care about.

Anyway, El Rifle should perhaps change his name to El Desodorisante after he leaked roughly nine thousand litres of sweat out of himself during a press conference. Watch over the jump and mock away.

If you don’t want to watch the video in real time, look at his shirt at the start of the video, then knock it on for one minute.

Then knock it on another minute.

Then knock it on another minute.

Repeat until you feel desperately sorry for him.

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Hey! Arnold Schwarzenegger! Has your regret and sorrow turned into anger? Are you now pacing around your luxury stud-pad in your luminous thong, gritting your teeth and wondering who leaked the story on you? Political enemies? Movie producers you’ve crossed in the past?

Looking for a conspiracy theory to help aid your feeling that someone has it in for you, trying to damage your good reputation?

Well, unlucky. See, the person who had it in for you is the woman you scorned. That’s right. If you want to know who told the world about your illicit affair with a maid and resulting child, then look no further than Maria Shriver – the wife you managed to upset to the point where she wanted to bury you up to your own neck in your own shit. Right? It’s a hoot isn’t it?!

That’s right Arnie! It isn’t exactly surprising that your love-child story was leaked to the press (that’s us, and yes, we’re massively snarky and gigantic hypocrites! It’s hilarious isn’t it?) by your soon-to-be ex-wife’s people. That’s the sooon-to-be ex-wife who could well be $20million richer soon.

That’s what happens when you make a person that angry. They’ll try and destroy you all by themselves.

This report comes from TMZ who got some new information from sources connected to Shriver. Apparently, she was ‘hysterical’ when she found out about your dalliance with Mildred Patty Baena and the resulting child.

She was so furious with you Arnold that she actually wanted to hold a news conference about it all. Imagine that! You have to admit, it would have made great television.

You can thank Maria’s friends for convincing her that this might not be the best plan of action, so everyone went about leaking it to the L.A. Times instead.

Oh well, at least you have those new Terminator films to look forward to, eh?

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Thanks to the writers' strike, last night's pared-down Golden Globes took the form of a news conference – like the ones appealing for the return of missing children, only bleaker.

It was the oddest Golden Globes you're ever likely to see – no stars attended, no fancy frocks were worn, results were blasted through in a matter of minutes and the traditional Golden Globes pursuit of trying to second-guess which rabbit-eyed young starlet would be fighting off the advances of Jack Nicholson by the end of the night was put on hold.

And if that wasn't harrowing enough, Atonement won a Golden Globe as well. We're all doomed.

The writer's strike has done several things to the world of film and TV, some bad – like taking The Daily Show off the air – and some less bad (coughDa Vinci Code sequelcough). And somewhere in the middle is last night's Golden Globes awards ceremony.

Up until the last minute nobody knew what would happen to the Golden Globes after the WGA and the SAG banned their members from attending so long as it was being televised, but there were three choices: 1) ditch the Golden Globes altogether, 2) don't televise the Golden Globes so that celebrities can still attend and 3) cobble together a hasty, amateurish half-hour press conference to announce the winners of the Golden Globes that leaves everyone – hosts, broadcasters, winners and viewers – feeling slightly cheapened.

Needless to say, they went with number three.

Everything that people enjoy most about the Golden Globes – the sparkle, the dresses, the freewheeling spirit of semi-drunk playfulness, was absent from the press conference; replaced with a sense of profound embarrassment that the winners were all at home watching the events unravel on Telemundo instead of being up on stage making four-hour teary-eyed acceptance speeches about the power of cinema. 

But perhaps it was best that the Golden Globes weren't televised, because the majority of the winners were all so vastly obscure that nobody would have watched more than 10 minutes of it anyway. Best actress? Julie Christie in That Film Nobody Has Seen. Best actress in a comedy or musical? Some woman nobody's heard of in That Film Nobody Has Seen. Best actor in a TV comedy? David Duchovny in That TV Show That People Saw Once Before Quickly Deciding It Was Rubbish And Turning Off To Do Something More Interesting Like Removing Someone Else's Toe Jam With Their Tongue.

And, worst of all, Atonement won the Golden Globe for best motion picture even though if we wanted to watch a bunch of upper-class bibbles mimbling on endlessly about their problems in rage-inducing accents we'd probably just prefer to watch an episode of Trinny And Susannah.

Still, not all the Golden Globe winners were this dull. Johnny Depp won best actor (comedy) for Sweeney Todd – which also scooped the best comedy or musical movie award – Daniel Day-Lewis won best actor for There Will Be Blood, Tina Fey won best comedy actress for 30 Rock and No Country For Old Men also took a couple of prizes.

But that's not what the 2008 Golden Globes will be remembered for – not when the awards were handed out in such a perfunctory star-free manner.

Now we'll just have to see what happens to the Oscars next month. Hopefully, if the strike is still ongoing until then, lessons will be learnt and the same toe-curling mistakes won't be repeated again.

Because, really, Atonement?

Read more:

Atonement leads glitz-free Globes – Associated Press