You’re familiar with Drake already, aren’t you? Of course you are. You’re totally down with the kids. Well, he’s spent the weekend proving that even people with watch collections have hopes and dreams.

Not content with selling loads of records to over-protective hip-hop fans, Drake is apparently itching to play US President Barack Obama in a movie. It’s the next logical step for a star whose previous acting experience includes, “Guy In Bathroom Mirror” and “Crymaxing On A Webcam”.

The noted Thespian – who collaborated with Rihanna on ‘What’s My Name’, in case you’re still not sure who he is – has revealed that he studies Obama’s mannerisms in case a role comes his way. Which it never will. Ever.

Of course, Drake isn’t the first singer to say that they want to play a famous person in a film. In 2005 Michael Bublé told The Sun that he was in talks to play a member of the Rat Pack in “Frank Sinatra: The Primark Years” while more recently, Lady Gaga told assembled journalists that it was her life’s ambition to play Madonna in a movie of her life.

Speaking to VH1, Drake said:

“I hope somebody makes a movie about Obama’s life soon because I could play him. That’s the goal. I watch all the addresses. Any time I seen him on TV, I don’t change the channel. I definitely pay attention and listen to the inflections of his voice.”

Let’s get the inflections right before we look at anything else. The rapper, known for tracks such as Take Care and Over, is so dedicated to becoming an Obama impersonator that he’s willing to take the advice of professionals.

“If you ask anyone who knows me, I’m pretty good at impressions.”

There’s your first mistake, Drake. Any idiot knows that you don’t ask people who know you if you’re good at something. How do you think we all ended up as writers, living in a hovel and eating our own shoes for sustenance? Exactly.

When Sean Penn’s not being pestered by Scarlett Johansson on the rebound, he’s being all philanthropic and all that jive. Of course, having a political persuasion means you’ll rub some people up the wrong way and they shout at you.

Mercifully for Sean Penn, he’s a grade-a bitch. He has put-downs that could almost match the output of a drag queen convention.

And who found this out at their cost? Why, if it wasn’t a co-star of his who accused Penn of being a Communist. What fun!

You may or may not know or care, but Penn is a big supporter of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. He’s a red. And an old co-star of Sean’s, called Maria Conchita Alonso, took an opportunity to shoot her mouth off at the actor when she bumped into him at LAX.

Conchita, recounts the incident, said:

I said, ‘I would like to talk to you.’ He said, ‘Oh, it’s you. I have nothing to say to you. You speak badly about me.’ I said, ‘No, I don’t. I just say the truth. That you are a friend of Chavez and that he’s a good man. And that’s a lie. How can you do that?’

He said, ‘You are a pig!’ So I said, ‘And you are a Communist asshole!’

I was so angry and I had all this built inside me for so many years, and he calls me a pig. I just exploded. My mother was so happy, she wanted to clap.

Imagine that. Calling someone a crude name and your mother welling up with pride as she stands beside you. Something that hecklerspray is still waiting on.

Penn’s retort?

I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.

If you’re wondering – which you’re not – Alonso and Penn starred in Colors together.

Scarlett Johansson’s boobs. She showed them off to us by accident didn’t she? That’s probably the thing she’ll be remembered for when she dies. Boobs, oh and she did some films. Better to be remembered for titties than forgotten entirely, right?

Either way, we’re not here to talk about breasts all day. We’re talking marriage. Pull up a seat. Let’s get deep.

See, Scarlett is under the assumption that marrying Ryan Reynolds was one of the best decisions she ever made. She split with him after two years and made one of the most annoying perfume adverts in history. But it was still totally the best thing she ever did. Ryan Reynolds. Think about that.

Nothing good comes out of Ryan Reynolds. Literally. It’s all waste products, humid air and nincompoopery. He’s a dithering sack of shit with a granite hard torso and 14 inch skull.

Still, Johansson claims marrying the star of the ‘Green Lantern’ was the best thing she ever, ever did. Much better than the time she got with Sean Penn by sheer persistence.

She said:

“It was the best thing I ever did. I’m a big believer that when something feels right, you should do it.”

“I’m a big believer in instinct. Getting married was the right thing to do because it was natural. It grew out of romance and love and a desire to have a future with somebody, and I was very fortunate that I married somebody who turned out to be the person I thought he would be.”

So, how does one celebrate the love of the union of marriage? Why, you don’t spend any time together and, in the case of Scarlett, she wasn’t prepared to do the work necessary to keep their romance alive!

HURRAY!

Speaking to Cosmopolitan magazine, she said:

“Relationships are complicated. Being married is a living, breathing process. I think I was not fully aware of the peaks and the valleys. I wasn’t prepared to hunker down and do the work. Both of us were extremely busy. We spent so much time apart. It’s very difficult.”

Of course, marriage is a stupid, dangerous drug for those fearful of their own company, and hecklerspray advises that you don’t even try it. You saw Charlie Sheen when he was out of his mind on expensive drugs? Marriage turns you into a bigger dillweed than that!

Seriously. Go watch Bridezillas and hark at the endless identical baby pictures currently littering your Facebook feed.

Just. Say. No (preferably at the altar for maximum impact).

Ryan Reynolds – man that is made entirely of gym instructions – and Charlize Theron – a woman designed to occupy thongs – have apparently been dating for months, and were both so simple minded (much like cows in a field) that they forgot to tell anyone… including themselves.

A source close to the pair has revealed to at least four people who were half-listening, that the pair are officially ‘in a relationship’, telling reporters: “They’re exclusive, and it’s very hush-hush.”

Presumably, even Charlize Theron doesn’t want to admit that she’s going steady with the man responsible for the dreadful, dreadful Green Lantern film.

Thus far, the couple have managed to dodge photographers, but this could once again be down to immense stupidity. Rumour has it that the pair stood before a window of Curry’s, waving at all the cameras and presuming that they were getting vital publicity for their dismal projects.

However, things soon came to a stop as they were both distracted by a balloon and ran-after it, trying to grab the sky with their stupid, stupid hands.

The source adds:

“They’re both career-focused, but not in a crazy way. [Theron] won’t go to an event with him. That’s not her style.”

This is down to Theron’s fear of red carpets, which she still believes are made entirely of rocking horse blood. Meanwhile, Reynolds is still in contact with his ex wife, Scarlett Johansson, because he didn’t understand what she meant when she told him ‘I don’t love you anymore’.

Next week: Reynolds and Theron are told that ice cubes are made from very cold water.

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It’s nice to know that, even though you’re widely regarded to be one of the most beautiful humans who ever walked this pathetic excuse of a planet, you can still be hugely flawed and make an idiot of yourself before someone you really, really fancy.

We’re talking about Scarlett Johansson and her besottery with Sean Penn, perhaps one of the most baffling celebrity hook-ups in a decade, what with him having a face like wrinkled elbow-scrag.

See, it appears that the romance between the Hollywood beaut and the wizened actor had to die because Scarlett was into Penn way too much, leaving him widening his eyes and mouthing ‘What the f…’

It seems that our Scarlett was “besotted” with Penn, who didn’t need all that in his life, especially given that Johansson’s divorce hasn’t even gone through yet.

After a five-month affair, the pair knocked the relationship on the head, leaving everyone with a palpable sense of balance being restored in The Force.

A source, speaking with absolutely zero authority on the matter, says:

“Sean is simply not ready for a long-term or very serious relationship, given it’s too soon since he and Robin [Wright] divorced. Scarlett’s intensity just scared him – which is kind of funny, given how intense Sean is”

So what kind of intensity are we talking about here?

Well, apparently Scarlett just decided that she’d move in with Penn in his Los Angeles mansion, which is presumably still full of his ex-wife’s stuff… not to mention the echoes of Sean Penn crying “JESUS WEPT! SHE’S MOVED IN! I’VE ONLY KNOWN HER FIVE MINUTES! Great rack though… so… er… ”

A source close to Sean says that the actor started to “totally freak out” when “a very emotionally needy” Scarlett moved in.

Wow. Not just us then. Brill.

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You may well think that Scarlett Johansson is the most beautiful woman you’ve even seen, which probably means that you think you don’t stand a chance of ever making out with her. Well you do, because she’s decided to tap a troll-faced Sean Penn. Repeatedly. While Barack Obama watches on.

That’s right mingers, Johansson has long been rumoured to be swapping fluids with Penn, despite the fact he could curdle the vapour in the air with his foul face.

And while in the presence of President Obama, Mila Kunis and Donald Trump, Scarlett decided to indulge in a spot of heavy petting with Penn at Saturday’s White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington, D.C. Honestly. They were like teenagers at a roller disco, all grunting and dribbles.

One eye witness, desperate to tell anyone in earshot about the people they’d seen with more talent that them, breathlessly panted:

“It happened right as the main course of the dinner was being put on the table”

“Scarlett was pawing at Sean, holding on to his hip while he was smoking. She gave him a short kiss. But then they took a walk some 30 feet away, broke off from the group and kissed some more.”

What were they doing?! Did Penn get to second or third base in a hedge? Did they slope off and buy cheap booze and promise to make each other mix tapes? DID SEAN PENN SEE SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S BRA?

“Around 1 a.m. Sean and Scarlett were side by side for the rest of the night. When they were walking out the door, Sean stopped her, took off his jacket and put it on her shoulders, saying, ‘It’s cold out there.’ They then grabbed hands and walked out before 3 a.m.”

You may think that is a selfless act of chivalry. You couldn’t be more wrong. The ‘jacket over the shoulder’ trick is celebrity code for sex. The coat is a metaphor for the sheath worn by those not wanting to ride bareback in the sheets, the exposed shoulder being the recipients willingness to receive such ‘gentlemanly activity’.

So basically, Sean Penn told the world that he was off for some hardcore action with that woman you fancy.

But why did Penn attend at meeting at The Hill with all those politicians? Well, in what could easily be more celebrity code, he said:

“I’m mostly here for Haiti, and I want to help bring some attention to that crisis.”

We can’t even imagine what that could mean. You’re not even listening are you. You’re still thinking of Scarlett Johansson’s boobs aren’t you?

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Master Saint Vitus Dance, Justin Bieber, is actually turning into the brat he always promised to. That’s good, as is means lots of snarky news stories for us. Anyway, Biebz is sniping at a paparazzi that he’s normally keen to court.

While in Israel, Bieber was snapped and pestered by photographers, which left him pounding the keyboard of his phone, whining and bitching on Twitter about it all.

And then he griped some more. And more. And more. And more, leaving the Israeli president not wanting to meet such a jumped-up little moanbag.

Bieber tweeted:

“amazing place…not a bad day. just wish got a little more space and privacy from the paps to enjoy this time with my family. Thanks”

Then he got more irritable:

“im in the holy land and i am grateful for that. I just want to have the same personal experience that others have here”

So you’d like to queue for ages with sweaty tourists, rather than the preferential treatment given to slebs?

“You would think paparazzi would have some respect in holy places. All I wanted was the chance to walk where jesus did here in isreal.”

Gah. Sounds like we’ve got a little Christian shitbox here, getting all gooey about a fairytale. If he’s thinking “What Would Jesus Do?”, chances are, it wouldn’t be flipping the bird at the paparazzo like he did a while back when trying to get to first base with girlfriend Selena Gomez.

“They should be ashamed of themselves. Take pictures of me eating but not in a place of prayer, ridiculous”

“People wait their whole lives for opportunities like this, why would they want to take that experience away from someone.”

Waaaah. Now, it would appear, Master Bieber is sulking in his room.

“u happy? i want to see this country and all the places ive dreamed of and whether its the paps or being pulled into politics its been frustrating.”

Meanwhile, Selena Gomez has been spotted hanging around with ex-boyrfriend Nick Jonas, who isn’t a big whiny bitch.

Not suffering the long Bieber face is the Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, who has allegedly cancelled his scheduled meeting with the singer after Justin is said to have “refused” to meet some of the country’s children. That’d be children who recently survived a horrible rocket attack in Gaza.

What a dreadful little monster Bieber is becoming.

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Make ‘em, make ‘em clap to this. Yes indeed, it’s mid term season in America and the promise that Eric B would be president never came true. Shame. However, Jay Z thinks he’d be a great leader of the United States of America and hecklerspray wants it to happen, just so Beyonce is First Lady!

J-Hova reckons that he’d be a great prez, and if you’re one of those conspiracy theorists who think that the whole show is run by backroom boys with a newly elected frontman, helpless to the whims of the puppet masters, then Jay Z would be ace because at least he’d deliver congress in rat-a-tat rhymes which would bring the house down!

And when is this likely to happen? Sooner than you think.

Jigga says:

“Give me a chance. Maybe in eight years, I’ll be the president.”

Get that? In less than a decade, we might see Jay Z as American president. Don’t tell us that this isn’t a thrilling prospect! That means there could be banknotes with pictures of Jay on them… which is the best notion ever. It makes you dream of an alternate universe where bank notes have pictures of Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Flava Flav on them.

So are we to assume that Jay Z wants to get into politics because he feels jaded and disappointed by the current president?

“In order to judge someone, you have to judge what they inherit. He inherited the worst economy, war, just a horrible time in American history. So if we think he can solve that, I mean, we don’t think he’s God, do we?

“He’s a human being. He’s going to need time to figure that out.

“In order to get to that sort of success and that dream, you have to go through some peaks and valleys. It’s been two years.”

And Jay-Z has met President Obama and chowed down with former leader Bill Clinton. Maybe he got some tips?

“It’s unbelievable because it’s so far away from where I come from. We were the kids who were ignored by every politician. We didn’t have the numbers, the vote, to put anybody in office, because no matter who was in the office, we didn’t think that it would affect change where we lived. So nobody went out and voted.

“For me, being with Obama or having dinner with Bill Clinton is crazy. It’s mind-blowing, because where I come from is just another world. We were just ignored by politicians – by America in general.”

Yeah, yeah… whatever. Can we have Beyonce as First Lady now please?

PURLEASE!

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Anything Britain does, the Americans have to better. We’ve have MP Ed Balls, which gives people license to titter about people serving under Balls and the like, and now, it seems America could have Senator Trump. Yessireebob, Donald Trump has revealed that he is considering running for president in 2012.

Insert exasperated swear words here.

If he landed the best most powerful gig in the world, then not only could we all laugh at President Trump (which sounds like the CEO of a novelty products company), but we’d also get the most ridiculous haircut in political history. Nothing – NOTHING – beats Donald Trump’s comb-up (he grows his spidery anus hair long and brushes it all the way up his back).

The Apprentice chump has revealed his hopes of representing the Republican Party (no surprise there then) in a future election during an appearance on Fox News.

He bellowed (well, he probably bellowed… the man doesn’t have a volume fader):

“For the first time in my life, I’m actually thinking about [running for president]“

“I am a Republican but have great respect for what the Tea Party has done because they have brought to light what’s going on. I mean, we have trillion dollar deficits…. The country is going bankrupt, let’s face it.”

The most powerful man in the world, with the most ridiculous hair in history, lecturing everyone about debt when various companies of his have filed for bankruptcy in the past! At one point, he owed $550million to lenders. That’s one man there, not in fact, an entire country.

Anyway, as he considers carrying his stupid and amusing surname toward the political world, Dick Swett, Saxby Chambliss, Randy Baumgardner and Goodluck Jonathan all fight it out for most amusing political name.

They must be quaking in their boots.

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Wyclef Jean, a man who will forever be remembered as he who nearly ruined a perfectly good song by repeatedly saying “One Time” and worsened a perfectly crap song by repeatedly shouting “Shakira! Shakira!”, is very tired and sleepy.

Yessir, Wyclef is so sleepy that he’s been taken to hospital where people with real illnesses press up against the window with their prolapses hanging out wondering why that famous man is in a bed designed for sick people.

The official line is that he’s been admitted to hospital suffering from stress and exhaustion. The poor wickle lamb.

Marian Salzman, Jean’s publicist, says that the professional chancer was:

“suffering from stress and fatigue based on the gruelling eight weeks he’s had”.

It can’t be easy being a musician AND someone who wants to pretend to be a politician. It really is a hard knock life isn’t it?

You see, Wyclef ran for the presidency of Haiti (where he used to live) and then withdrew his bid once he found out just how much hard work it would be and, of course, he had a new album in the works, which is in no way related to this move that saw him getting amazing amounts of press, simply for walking around a disaster zone and looking concerned.

Even Sean Penn felt the need to dish up some angry words toward ‘Clef.

A statement issued on behalf of Jean’s family said:

“Wyclef Jean has had an extremely gruelling three months – truly an exhausting eight months, since the earthquake when he recommitted himself to our homeland and his passion for our people.

“He is currently suffering the effects of lack of sleep and stress, global travel, even the endless public eye, and has asked that his fans and supporters bear with him for the next several days as he regains his physical health and stamina.

“Then he will be back out in front of the crusade to rebuild Haiti and his pledge to make it even better for business.

“Wyclef is planning to be back to work a week from today and just needs some space to regroup from sheer exhaustion.”

The best thing to do, clearly, when you’re exhausted from being the face of Haitians is to court the press with yet more words of self-aggrandisement when the truth of the matter is that you weren’t ever eligible to run for President in his home country.

Expect the new album to be all faux-personal about the plight of ‘his people’ and lambasting imagined ‘enemies’ who are ‘corrupt’ and… you know the drill by now.

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The good thing about being president of Haiti is that you get to live in the presidential palace. The bad thing about being president of Haiti is that even before the earthquake, said palace was made mostly of dried mud & honey comb. That’s a bad combination if you’re the sort of person who gets allergies.

Another bad thing about being president of Haiti is that when you announce you’re throwing your hat in the candidacy ring, sometimes you get threats of one sort or another – and you have to go into hiding. That’s what’s happening to Wyclef Jean right now. He’s volunteering to bring the country out of the stone age, and if recent news can be believed, some of the statesman who’ve been around are none too pleased.

When one needs to go into hiding in Haiti, where would one go? Wyclef Jean has recently found out, and for the record we imagine him as hiding under a dining room table in a poorly constructed dairy queen. He probably gets all sorts of ice cream when he scurries out after hours.

Wyclef, you see, heroically stood up after that horrendous earth quake and mismanaged almost a half million dollars on behalf of his countrymen. Allegedly. Ahem. We said allegedly.

But really he did sort of become a spokesperson for the nameless in the nation. And now he’s hoping to roll all that Haitian face time into a presidential bid. He’s not the only would-be president though. There are supposedly a million candidates with election boners, give or take several hundred thousand or so.

Here’s what the Huffington Post says:

“Hip hop artist Wyclef Jean said he was in hiding Tuesday after receiving death threats as he and more than 30 other potential candidates for Haiti’s presidency waited to find out if they would be allowed to run in the November election. The musician disclosed the threats in a series of e-mails to The Associated Press, revealing few details. Jean said he was told to get out of Haiti and that he was in hiding in a secret location in the Caribbean country.”

When the threats first came in, Jean said he’d be happy to oblige but before he could leave he’d have to patch his canoe with a mix of coconut husk and the blood from a dead mule. This could take a while since Haitian coconut season doesn’t start until November 22.

That previous paragraph was mostly speculation, but in our heart of hearts we feel it’s true.

The point being – is this a play for sympathy votes? If that’s what he’s looking for he just needs to remind everybody that Lauryn Hill got way more critical acclaim than he ever did.

The poor guy. We’ve half a mind to vote for him ourselves. We think we’ve got a Haitian birth certificate lying around here somewhere.

We’ve a whole pile of birth certificates.

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When Wyclef Jean announced that he was running for president of Haiti, everyone laughed. Surely he wasn’t being serious! What next? Pras Michel trying to be mayor of Trumpton? But he was. Very serious. Y’see, he really cares maaaan.

Yes indeed, the rapper and former Fugees one-timer made his first televised announcement of his bid for Haitian president last night on CNN.

And now, Sean Penn (what’s he got to do with it?! Read on, you’ll see) is wading in questioning his motives as a leader of a country on its knees.

Penn said:

“This is somebody who’s going to receive an enormous amount of support from the United States, and I have to say I’m very suspicious of it, simply because he, as an ambassador at large, has been virtually silent. For those of us in Haiti, he has been a non-presence.”

Penn, who has been active in Haiti since the earthquake, pointed toward allegations about Wyclef mishandling $400,000 worth of donated for the country through his Yele Haiti foundation.

“He claims he didn’t do it. That has to be looked into it. I’ve been there. I know what $400,000 could do for these people’s lives.”

Penn continued:

“I see in Wyclef Jean somebody who could well have been influenced by the promise of support of companies. I think Haiti is clearly vulnerable … There is a history of American interests coming in and underpaying people. This is a culture or one to two dollars a day, that they were making.”

He continued:

“I haven’t seen or heard anything of him in these last six months that I’ve been in Haiti. I think he’s an important voice. I hope he doesn’t sacrifice that voice by taking the eye off the very devastating realities on the ground. I want to see someone who’s really, really willing to sacrifice for their country, and not just someone who I personally saw with a vulgar entourage of vehicles that demonstrated a wealth in Haiti that, in context, I felt was a very obscene demonstration.”

So there. Consider yourself told Mr Jean.

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President Obama hates videogames – we have a reason to doubt the messiah. Took a while to find one that wasn’t borne out of racism or hatred of being fair to people, but we’ve found one.

Sure, it may be grasping at straws to find fault with what he’s saying, and sure it may just be the kneejerk defensive reaction of a gamer wronged that we’re seeing – with the potential for some old-fashion INTERNET JUSTICE to be doled out.

But hey – we welcome reasons to dislike popular people.

Over the last few weeks President Obama has been mentioning games a bit in some of his speeches. While to the untrained eye/ear they may seem like a few innocuous and quite plausible statements of fact, to us with finely-honed aural receivers and optical… headsets… we can see it is yet another brutal attack from the mainstream.

They want to destroy gaming and make us all bored, or read celebrity news sites or something.

But thank Wolf for the Entertainment Consumer Association and their endless defence of the common gamer from the evils of this man who wants to give free healthcare to everyone (what a sod).

For they have stepped up to the plate and cried “NO!” to Obama’s statements where he pointed out that letting kids sit around all day watching TV and playing videogames isn’t going to help them in school.

Backing up this guttural roar, the ESA have launched a spam-campaign… sorry – “letter-writing campaign” to tell the prez how games are actually a force for all good in the world and that he shouldn’t ban them, as he’s clearly – CLEARLY – trying to do.

Hopefully it will stop him from saying such evil things as:

Parents, take your kids — they’re going to have fun, they’re going to be in sports camps, they’re going to be watching TV and playing video games. Once a week, take them down — whether it’s to a soup kitchen or to volunteer on a community project — teach them what it means to be a real citizen. You’ll find that actually the kids love it, and it’s going to make a lasting impression on them.

Or the ferocious outburst where he said:

To parents, we can’t tell our kids to do well in school and fail to support them when they get home. For our kids to excel, we must accept our own responsibilities. That means putting away the Xbox and putting our kids to bed at a reasonable hour. It means attending those parent-teacher conferences, reading to our kids, and helping them with their homework.

Since Jack Thompson buggered off people really have been grasping at straws as to who to slate, haven’t they? All Obama has said is that we should pay attention to what Kids These Days do, and not let them sit around all the time being big fat fatties.

Lest we forget though: the internet never loses a fight. Not even against the most powerful man in the world.

THIS WEEK: We decided we’ve had enough of this column and hecklerspray in general, and that we’re going to do a runner to Aruba with a seventeen-year-old cabin boy named Sven. As of next Monday, at least. Oh, we lost at FIFA 09 online a lot too, and scared people with our angry shouting.

Tomorrow marks the first day of Barack Obama’s realisation that he can’t possibly live up to everyone’s expectations as president.

But who cares? More important is the song that will accompany President Obama’s very first dance on inauguration day. And, since you asked – it’s Beyonce singing At Last from her movie Cadillac Records.

It’s fortunate that Cadillac Records was Beyonce’s most recent movie – had Barack Obama’s inauguration happened three months later, Beyonce would have been forced to sing something from her upcoming Fatal Attraction rip-off movie, perhaps Stop Boning My Man or the whimsical I’ll Kill You, You Bitch (I’ll Kill You).

Beyonce has had some big moments in her life – she’s famous enough to start fights with Aretha Franklin and fall down some stairs onto her face – but nothing she’s ever done will prepare her for her job tomorrow. Because tomorrow Beyonce sings for the president.

You see, even though tomorrow marks the day that Barack Obama inherits the worst financial crisis since the Depression, countless pointless wars all over the world, a globally-resented country that’s quickly being overtaken by China economically and – worst of all – a contractual obligation to attend a Jonas Brothers concert, he’s putting a brave face on his inauguration.

And that’s because, regardless of what other catastrophes befall him in the next four years, at least Barack Obama gets to choose which song he gets to dance to first as president. And that song is At Last by Etta James.

Or, to be more specific, At Last by Etta James by Beyonce. You see, Beyonce’s last movie was Cadillac Records where she played Etta James. And, although Etta James is alive and well enough to perform At Last herself at the inauguration, she’s a bit old and fat these days – and having an old fat lady singing while Barack Obama has his first dance as president would completely send the wrong message to the world. So a younger, less talented Etta James facsimile with a nicer bottom it is. AP reports:

In a statement, Beyonce said: “I am so honored that I will be performing for President Obama and the first lady. To sing `At Last’ while they have their first dance is a dream come true. I could not be more honored and excited that they have asked me to be part of this moment in history.”

Actually, despite our teasing we’re thrilled for Beyonce. Performing the song that Barack Obama will dance to first as president means that Beyonce will now join the ranks of the immortal. It doesn’t matter what else she achieves in her career, by doing this Beyonce knows that her name will now live on forever as the answer to a low-scoring pub quiz question. Bravo, Beyonce. Bravo.

But just because Beyonce is singing a landmark song for potentially one of the best-loved presidents in history, it doesn’t mean that the other members of Destiny’s Child have been forgotten about. They’re also going to be performing a very important role at the inauguration day ball – seriously, those coats will never be checked more efficiently.

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Next week is undoubtedly going to be truly historic – The Jonas Brothers are playing a free concert! Squeeeeee!

We can’t breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early – we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream “ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!” at him during Lovebug!

Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who’s like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly – THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!

We should all be grateful that Barack Obama was voted as the next president of America, you know, because the inauguration parties are just going to be so much better.

We mean it. Do you know what the inauguration party would have involved if John McCain had been voted as president? Four hours of borderline-racist country music and a halfhearted rendition of Overdosin’ by Heidi Montag, that’s what.

But Barack Obama? His inauguration party is going to rule. Every single celebrity on the planet, from Diddy to Matt Damon to Pamela Anderson, wanted Barack Obama to be president – and even a few non-celebrities too (hello Meg Ryan!) – and, by the look of it, they’re all going to be playing shows to mark Obama’s first day.

So far Jay-Z, The Beastie Boys, Mary J Blige, Beyonce, Shakira, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, TI, Bruce Springsteen, U2, Usher, Nelly, T-Pain, Rufus Wainwright, Maroon 5, Rihanna, the surviving members of The Beatles, Mozart‘s brain in a jar and the man who invented the Birdseye Potato Waffle television jingle are all going to be playing inauguration shows in Washington for Barack Obama. But that raises just one question – what about the kids?

What about the kids indeed. Just because they’re too young to be a part of – or even fully understand – the process of democracy, the children of America need to celebrate Obama’s victory as well, because they are the future of America. They are the future of America and they need to be given a dedicated show that’ll commemorate that fact in as lofty and momentous terms as can be humanly possible.

Or, failing that, The Jonas Brothers will just wiggle their hair at them until they start involuntarily urinating down themselves. People reports:

The Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Tuesday that the pop-rock trio will headline the Kids’ Inaugural: We Are the Future concert, which honors military families, on Jan. 19 at the Verizon Center. The Jonas Brothers will perform along with Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray, Bow-Wow and Demi Lovato during a kid-friendly show hosted by Michelle Obama.

In many ways, The Jonas Brothers performing a show to mark the inauguration of President Obama is a genius idea – it’s a touching gesture to the generation that will now look to Malia and Sasha Obama as role-models. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are playing this show because they’re Malia and Sasha’s second-favourite band. Their first-favourite band – Swedish black metal combo Satanic Slaughter – unfortunately had prior commitments.

However, at least by playing this concert The Jonas Brothers are marking their place in history. Now, when future generations ask you “Do you remember when the first African-American president was appointed into office?” you can reply “Yes I do. It was the day after that concert that was so awful it made me want to take my own life.” Happy days.

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