Sure, it may be grasping at straws to find fault with what he’s saying, and sure it may just be the kneejerk defensive reaction of a gamer wronged that we’re seeing – with the potential for some old-fashion INTERNET JUSTICE to be doled out.

But hey – we welcome reasons to dislike popular people.

Over the last few weeks President Obama has been mentioning games a bit in some of his speeches. While to the untrained eye/ear they may seem like a few innocuous and quite plausible statements of fact, to us with finely-honed aural receivers and optical… headsets… we can see it is yet another brutal attack from the mainstream.

They want to destroy gaming and make us all bored, or read celebrity news sites or something.

But thank Wolf for the Entertainment Consumer Association and their endless defence of the common gamer from the evils of this man who wants to give free healthcare to everyone (what a sod).

For they have stepped up to the plate and cried “NO!” to Obama’s statements where he pointed out that letting kids sit around all day watching TV and playing videogames isn’t going to help them in school.

Backing up this guttural roar, the ESA have launched a spam-campaign… sorry – “letter-writing campaign” to tell the prez how games are actually a force for all good in the world and that he shouldn’t ban them, as he’s clearly – CLEARLY – trying to do.

Hopefully it will stop him from saying such evil things as:

Parents, take your kids — they’re going to have fun, they’re going to be in sports camps, they’re going to be watching TV and playing video games. Once a week, take them down — whether it’s to a soup kitchen or to volunteer on a community project — teach them what it means to be a real citizen. You’ll find that actually the kids love it, and it’s going to make a lasting impression on them.

Or the ferocious outburst where he said:

To parents, we can’t tell our kids to do well in school and fail to support them when they get home. For our kids to excel, we must accept our own responsibilities. That means putting away the Xbox and putting our kids to bed at a reasonable hour. It means attending those parent-teacher conferences, reading to our kids, and helping them with their homework.

Since Jack Thompson buggered off people really have been grasping at straws as to who to slate, haven’t they? All Obama has said is that we should pay attention to what Kids These Days do, and not let them sit around all the time being big fat fatties.

Lest we forget though: the internet never loses a fight. Not even against the most powerful man in the world.

THIS WEEK: We decided we’ve had enough of this column and hecklerspray in general, and that we’re going to do a runner to Aruba with a seventeen-year-old cabin boy named Sven. As of next Monday, at least. Oh, we lost at FIFA 09 online a lot too, and scared people with our angry shouting.

But who cares? More important is the song that will accompany President Obama’s very first dance on inauguration day. And, since you asked – it’s Beyonce singing At Last from her movie Cadillac Records.

It’s fortunate that Cadillac Records was Beyonce’s most recent movie – had Barack Obama’s inauguration happened three months later, Beyonce would have been forced to sing something from her upcoming Fatal Attraction rip-off movie, perhaps Stop Boning My Man or the whimsical I’ll Kill You, You Bitch (I’ll Kill You).

Beyonce has had some big moments in her life – she’s famous enough to start fights with Aretha Franklin and fall down some stairs onto her face – but nothing she’s ever done will prepare her for her job tomorrow. Because tomorrow Beyonce sings for the president.

You see, even though tomorrow marks the day that Barack Obama inherits the worst financial crisis since the Depression, countless pointless wars all over the world, a globally-resented country that’s quickly being overtaken by China economically and – worst of all – a contractual obligation to attend a Jonas Brothers concert, he’s putting a brave face on his inauguration.

And that’s because, regardless of what other catastrophes befall him in the next four years, at least Barack Obama gets to choose which song he gets to dance to first as president. And that song is At Last by Etta James.

Or, to be more specific, At Last by Etta James by Beyonce. You see, Beyonce’s last movie was Cadillac Records where she played Etta James. And, although Etta James is alive and well enough to perform At Last herself at the inauguration, she’s a bit old and fat these days – and having an old fat lady singing while Barack Obama has his first dance as president would completely send the wrong message to the world. So a younger, less talented Etta James facsimile with a nicer bottom it is. AP reports:

In a statement, Beyonce said: “I am so honored that I will be performing for President Obama and the first lady. To sing `At Last’ while they have their first dance is a dream come true. I could not be more honored and excited that they have asked me to be part of this moment in history.”

Actually, despite our teasing we’re thrilled for Beyonce. Performing the song that Barack Obama will dance to first as president means that Beyonce will now join the ranks of the immortal. It doesn’t matter what else she achieves in her career, by doing this Beyonce knows that her name will now live on forever as the answer to a low-scoring pub quiz question. Bravo, Beyonce. Bravo.

But just because Beyonce is singing a landmark song for potentially one of the best-loved presidents in history, it doesn’t mean that the other members of Destiny’s Child have been forgotten about. They’re also going to be performing a very important role at the inauguration day ball – seriously, those coats will never be checked more efficiently.

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We can’t breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early – we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream “ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!” at him during Lovebug!

Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who’s like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly – THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!

We should all be grateful that Barack Obama was voted as the next president of America, you know, because the inauguration parties are just going to be so much better.

We mean it. Do you know what the inauguration party would have involved if John McCain had been voted as president? Four hours of borderline-racist country music and a halfhearted rendition of Overdosin’ by Heidi Montag, that’s what.

But Barack Obama? His inauguration party is going to rule. Every single celebrity on the planet, from Diddy to Matt Damon to Pamela Anderson, wanted Barack Obama to be president – and even a few non-celebrities too (hello Meg Ryan!) – and, by the look of it, they’re all going to be playing shows to mark Obama’s first day.

So far Jay-Z, The Beastie Boys, Mary J Blige, Beyonce, Shakira, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, TI, Bruce Springsteen, U2, Usher, Nelly, T-Pain, Rufus Wainwright, Maroon 5, Rihanna, the surviving members of The Beatles, Mozart’s brain in a jar and the man who invented the Birdseye Potato Waffle television jingle are all going to be playing inauguration shows in Washington for Barack Obama. But that raises just one question – what about the kids?

What about the kids indeed. Just because they’re too young to be a part of – or even fully understand – the process of democracy, the children of America need to celebrate Obama’s victory as well, because they are the future of America. They are the future of America and they need to be given a dedicated show that’ll commemorate that fact in as lofty and momentous terms as can be humanly possible.

Or, failing that, The Jonas Brothers will just wiggle their hair at them until they start involuntarily urinating down themselves. People reports:

The Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Tuesday that the pop-rock trio will headline the Kids’ Inaugural: We Are the Future concert, which honors military families, on Jan. 19 at the Verizon Center. The Jonas Brothers will perform along with Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray, Bow-Wow and Demi Lovato during a kid-friendly show hosted by Michelle Obama.

In many ways, The Jonas Brothers performing a show to mark the inauguration of President Obama is a genius idea – it’s a touching gesture to the generation that will now look to Malia and Sasha Obama as role-models. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are playing this show because they’re Malia and Sasha’s second-favourite band. Their first-favourite band – Swedish black metal combo Satanic Slaughter – unfortunately had prior commitments.

However, at least by playing this concert The Jonas Brothers are marking their place in history. Now, when future generations ask you “Do you remember when the first African-American president was appointed into office?” you can reply “Yes I do. It was the day after that concert that was so awful it made me want to take my own life.” Happy days.

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Surely she’s one of those types that gets their profile banned for being far, far too whorish for the young audience of the site?

It would appear Paris has special dispensation, however, as she is reportedly ‘dating’ – or whatever the kids call it these days – the CEO of MySpace Chris DeWolfe, who has surely given her special privileges for her profile. More photos, space to upload more of her wonderful music (seeing as her pop career is something of a nonstop rollercoaster right now) or something like that, surely. It is shocking that Paris didn’t let MTV find her a new boyfriend, mind.

What makes the story all the more shocking is that neither Paris nor Chris have updated their profiles to show they are single, with each still involved in a relationship and a marriage (though separated), respectively. Guys – go to your profile, click on edit then change the information accordingly – come on, you shouldn’t be leading people astray like this.

At least if it were Facebook you could change it to ‘It’s Complicated’, which would suit perfectly.

Yes, in the world of celebrity it’s always good to keep a low profile if you’re sneaking about behind your other halves’ backs. So what better way to go about it than to go to some high-profile parties, be filmed and photographed together at them then let the evidence be uploaded to all websites in the world?

Hecklerspray thinks there may be a better way – there may be a number of better ways – but we can’t think right now. We’re too busy cruising MySpace for some honeys. Surely if you can get Paris Hilton through the site then you can also get a woman actually worth getting?

Though, to be honest, if Hilton does end up President of the US then she would at least have some point to her… decisions, decisions.

It would seem that Paris isn’t exactly pushing for the core demographic when it comes to the voting public, instead focusing her campaign trail on the numerous parties that DeWolfe has been hosting. While she may be able to schmooze her way to popularity at these events, a few hundred votes or so surely aren’t enough to grab her the presidency, are they? Though with voter apathy at its current levels, anything is possible.

On the other hand, this could be something of a power play by Chris DeWolfe. He has seen his MySpace empire lose its grasp on the world of social networking and may well want to re-assert himself and the site in a very public fashion.

By being the First Man of the US, he would surely have President Paris’ ear and be able to push for the XXVIII Amendment: ‘The right for Facebook to be banned and every American to have to have a MySpace account. Or they will be shot, thanks to the II Amendment’.

Stranger things have happened.

Needless to say, hecklerspray will be following this story to see if anything worthwhile comes of it. You never know what nasty comments a jilted lover could leave on MySpace, after all.

But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to political hardline site Funny or Die, Hilton responded to the recent campaign ad from John McCain and the Republican party with her own brand of politics.

In the original ad, Paris was likened to Democratic Senator Barack Obama – popular, but ultimately vacuous and easily forgotten (or maybe it was the other way round). It would seem that young miss Hilton didn’t take too kindly to these words and has launched something of a war on the Republican Party, vowing to bring them down if it’s the last thing she does.

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard – even told a couple of porkie pies. She isn’t trying to bring down the Republican Party. She isn’t actually running for presidency. And Funny or Die isn’t technically a political hardline site.

But she has been involved in a video response, so it’s not all bad news laced with lies.

The video, produced as a direct response to the Republican campaign advert, stars young Paris – and she’s hardly even naked at all, meaning we live in some bizarre world where she can manage to make something that both isn’t a sex tape and is funny. No, instead of committing lewd acts then releasing the video footage for profit, the Simple Life star simply lazes on a sun lounger and puts forth her views on today’s US politics.

Of course, her words come across as if they were completely, totally and utterly written by no one but Paris Hilton herself. No help involved here. No sireee, not with this mastermind at the helm. Definitely. We’d be willing to bet on that.

Alright, so we’re back to lying again.

Nevertheless, the video is quite funny and Paris doesn’t make herself into a complete tit throughout. Frankly, this is nothing short of a genuine miracle, when you take into account the above-mentioned fact that this isn’t even a sex tape. Paris’ credentials for the presidency aren’t that bad either – she is the perfect wife after all and she’s a genius, though she may run some of her voters over if she isn’t careful.

In all honesty though, we at hecklerspray are still waiting for the Britney Spears response to hit the web. Who knows – maybe a career in politics is just the kind of low-stress job Miss Spears needs, as soon as she’s free to roam again? And the combination of high profile work and actual responsibility could put her in good stead to get her kids back from that prat Kevin Federline. Hey – it’s just a thought.

Or maybe it’ll just get ignored and the whole event will be taken exactly as it’s ’supposed’ to, with people watching, laughing and forgetting. Bah. Watch the video below:

Non-partisan as hecklerspray may be though (you vote for who you actually want to vote for), we can’t help but feel something of an affinity with Barack Obama after his presidential rival John McCain compared the Democrat to both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

That’s the kind of politician we could get on board with!

You may be confused – why would we support those likened to Hilton and Spears, she of limited values and she of limited mental wellness? It’s alright; McCain is not saying Obama is a hot little philly to be adored by men and idolised by young women. No, the Republican is getting on board with the hecklerspray way of thinking, seeing Spears and Hilton as vapid wastes of space, sucking up valuable air and not being worth the paper they’re printed on.

What do you mean they’re not actually made of paper? It’s certainly how they come across.

But is McCain alluding to the possibility of Obama having severe mental issues? Is he stating through his campaign ads – in which the comparisons are made – that Barack is likely to lose his kids and have to give them up to Kevin Federline? Because frankly, that’s just harsh. That’s below the belt. That’s downright dirty.

But the question we need to know the answer to – the one that has been keeping us awake for these last few… errm… hours – is this: is Senator John McCain of the Republican party, presidential candidate and genuine Old Man claiming, in a roundabout way probably too subtle for the masses to understand, that he is in possession of a porn film starring Barack Obama?

Is that why he’s equating the Democrat to Paris Hilton? We need to know.

The questions raised by McCain’s political broadcast are sure to get the US talking about the race for the presidency more than ever before. Surely all Obama has to do now is make an appearance on the VMAs and his reign at the helm of the most powerful nation in the world will be guaranteed.

Rick Davis, campaign manager for McCain, let the world in on this fact-nugget:

“I don’t know Paris Hilton and Britney Spears but they are international celebrities, so, you know, apples to apples.”

No, we have no idea either. It’s just a funny quote when you take it out of context.

Check out the video for yourselves, see if you can picture Barack Obama miming to ‘Toxic’ in a bikini top and tight-fitting PVC pants. Because that’s the image it conjures up over here…

Well, alright – not the big guns exactly. But at least the elderly, debauched, paunchy guns have been wheeled out. And by that we plainly mean Jack Nicholson. 

Ahead of this week's vital Ohio and Texas primaries, Jack Nicholson has put together a campaign video of him in some of his most famous roles to drum up support for Hillary Clinton. And we're sure Jack's pro-Hillary message will get through to the two or three people who saw it and didn't cack themselves at the sight of the drunk-looking, growling, dishevelled jowl-monster who pops up at the end like the obese ghost of your abusive grandfather.

Hillary Clinton is in serious trouble. Convinced that she'd finish off her rival Barack Obama early, she threw everything she had at Super Tuesday and has since struggled to get a foothold in the running again when that tactic didn't pay off. Worse still, her Tony Soprano impersonation is just awful.

Meanwhile Barack Obama has all the momentum in the Democratic candidacy race. He hasn't just captured the youth vote like few others before him, but he's also captured the smelly old hippy vote as well, creating a deadly pincer-style movement hinged on recreational drug use and a staunch rebellion against tucking shirts into trousers. There's no way that Hillary Clinton can match strategic campaigning power like that. Or is there? 

Tomorrow sees Hillary Clinton's last meaningful throw of the dice, with hugely important primaries in Ohio and Texas. If she loses them to Obama, she'll come under more pressure than ever to withdraw from the race. These are desperate times, and desperate times call for desperate measures, and nothing is more desperate than getting Jack Nicholson to endorse you by cobbling together a YouTube video made up of old films he's been in. The Associated Press reports:

Nicholson, who is backing Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton for president, took his endorsement to the Internet on Saturday with a humorous collection of clips that put his support into the mouths of his most film famous characters. "And now folks, it's time for who do you trust. Hubba, hubba, hubba. Money, money, money," Nicholson, as The Joker, asks his audience in the video titled "Jack and Hill." Then he goes on to make it clear he puts his in Clinton.

This heavy-handed show of political support is a slight departure for Jack Nicholson. Usually Jack Nicholson only speaks in public when young actors suddenly die and it reminds him of when he nearly drove a car off a cliff once, because at all other times he's running round the back of a speedboat trying to slap the arses of girls a third of his age who don't mind that a saggy old man is molesting them because he might buy them a car.

Oh, we've teased you for long enough. Here is is – the Jack Nicholson Hillary Clinton campaign video…

We know, we're just as relieved as you that there weren't any scenes of Jack Nicholson waggling his strap-on cock around. Maybe he's saving that for when semi-humorous viral clips fail and the time for direct threats of dildo-based violence comes. So Wednesday, then.

Still, at least we know now that "there is nothing on this earth sexier than a woman you have to salute in the morning." Which was certainly true of that well-known busty sexpot Margaret Thatcher. Right boys? Boys? Where are you going? Boys?

Read more:

Nicholson Films Make Case for Clinton – AP