president - HecklerSpray

Drake Proves That Even Celebrities Have Unattainable Goals

January 30th, 2012 By Michael Park

You’re familiar with Drake already, aren’t you? Of course you are. You’re totally down with the kids. Well, he’s spent the weekend proving that even people with watch collections have hopes and dreams.

Not content with selling loads of records to over-protective hip-hop fans, Drake is apparently itching to play US President Barack Obama in a movie. It’s the next logical step for a star whose previous acting experience includes, “Guy In Bathroom Mirror” and “Crymaxing On A Webcam”.

The noted Thespian – who collaborated with Rihanna on ‘What’s My Name’, in case you’re still not sure who he is – has revealed that he studies Obama’s mannerisms in case a role comes his way. Which it never will. Ever.

Sean Penn Is A Massive Bitch And A Commie One At That

December 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

When Sean Penn’s not being pestered by Scarlett Johansson on the rebound, he’s being all philanthropic and all that jive. Of course, having a political persuasion means you’ll rub some people up the wrong way and they shout at you.

Mercifully for Sean Penn, he’s a grade-a bitch. He has put-downs that could almost match the output of a drag queen convention.

And who found this out at their cost? Why, if it wasn’t a co-star of his who accused Penn of being a Communist. What fun!

Scarlett Johansson Says Marriage Is A Good Idea, Even Though It Clearly Isn’t

October 31st, 2013 By Mof Gimmers

Scarlett Johansson’s boobs. She showed them off to us by accident didn’t she? That’s probably the thing she’ll be remembered for when she dies. Boobs, oh and she did some films. Better to be remembered for titties than forgotten entirely, right?

Either way, we’re not here to talk about breasts all day. We’re talking marriage. Pull up a seat. Let’s get deep.

See, Scarlett is under the assumption that marrying Ryan Reynolds was one of the best decisions she ever made. She split with him after two years and made one of the most annoying perfume adverts in history. But it was still totally the best thing she ever did. Ryan Reynolds. Think about that.

Ryan Reynolds And Charlize Theron Are Dating To Become World’s Dumbest Couple

July 13th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Ryan Reynolds – man that is made entirely of gym instructions – and Charlize Theron – a woman designed to occupy thongs – have apparently been dating for months, and were both so simple minded (much like cows in a field) that they forgot to tell anyone… including themselves.

A source close to the pair has revealed to at least four people who were half-listening, that the pair are officially ‘in a relationship’, telling reporters: “They’re exclusive, and it’s very hush-hush.”

Presumably, even Charlize Theron doesn’t want to admit that she’s going steady with the man responsible for the dreadful, dreadful Green Lantern film.

Sean Penn Runs Away From Scarlett Johansson Screaming ‘CLINGY’

June 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

It’s nice to know that, even though you’re widely regarded to be one of the most beautiful humans who ever walked this pathetic excuse of a planet, you can still be hugely flawed and make an idiot of yourself before someone you really, really fancy.

We’re talking about Scarlett Johansson and her besottery with Sean Penn, perhaps one of the most baffling celebrity hook-ups in a decade, what with him having a face like wrinkled elbow-scrag.

See, it appears that the romance between the Hollywood beaut and the wizened actor had to die because Scarlett was into Penn way too much, leaving him widening his eyes and mouthing ‘What the f…’

Scarlett Johansson Gets Off With Sean Penn While President Obama Watches On

May 3rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You may well think that Scarlett Johansson is the most beautiful woman you’ve even seen, which probably means that you think you don’t stand a chance of ever making out with her. Well you do, because she’s decided to tap a troll-faced Sean Penn. Repeatedly. While Barack Obama watches on.

That’s right mingers, Johansson has long been rumoured to be swapping fluids with Penn, despite the fact he could curdle the vapour in the air with his foul face.

And while in the presence of President Obama, Mila Kunis and Donald Trump, Scarlett decided to indulge in a spot of heavy petting with Penn at Saturday’s White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington, D.C. Honestly. They were like teenagers at a roller disco, all grunting and dribbles.

Justin Bieber Ignored By Israeli President While Whining About Paparazzi

April 13th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Master Saint Vitus Dance, Justin Bieber, is actually turning into the brat he always promised to. That’s good, as is means lots of snarky news stories for us. Anyway, Biebz is sniping at a paparazzi that he’s normally keen to court.

While in Israel, Bieber was snapped and pestered by photographers, which left him pounding the keyboard of his phone, whining and bitching on Twitter about it all.

And then he griped some more. And more. And more. And more, leaving the Israeli president not wanting to meet such a jumped-up little moanbag.

Jay-Z For President!

November 3rd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Make ’em, make ’em clap to this. Yes indeed, it’s mid term season in America and the promise that Eric B would be president never came true. Shame. However, Jay Z thinks he’d be a great leader of the United States of America and hecklerspray wants it to happen, just so Beyonce is First Lady!

J-Hova reckons that he’d be a great prez, and if you’re one of those conspiracy theorists who think that the whole show is run by backroom boys with a newly elected frontman, helpless to the whims of the puppet masters, then Jay Z would be ace because at least he’d deliver congress in rat-a-tat rhymes which would bring the house down!

And when is this likely to happen? Sooner than you think.

Donald Trump Hopes To Become Most Amusingly Named President Of America

October 6th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Anything Britain does, the Americans have to better. We’ve have MP Ed Balls, which gives people license to titter about people serving under Balls and the like, and now, it seems America could have Senator Trump. Yessireebob, Donald Trump has revealed that he is considering running for president in 2012.

Insert exasperated swear words here.

If he landed the best most powerful gig in the world, then not only could we all laugh at President Trump (which sounds like the CEO of a novelty products company), but we’d also get the most ridiculous haircut in political history. Nothing – NOTHING – beats Donald Trump’s comb-up (he grows his spidery anus hair long and brushes it all the way up his back).

Wyclef Jean Goes To Hospital Because He’s Tired After All That Caring For Haiti

September 28th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Wyclef Jean, a man who will forever be remembered as he who nearly ruined a perfectly good song by repeatedly saying “One Time” and worsened a perfectly crap song by repeatedly shouting “Shakira! Shakira!”, is very tired and sleepy.

Yessir, Wyclef is so sleepy that he’s been taken to hospital where people with real illnesses press up against the window with their prolapses hanging out wondering why that famous man is in a bed designed for sick people.

The official line is that he’s been admitted to hospital suffering from stress and exhaustion. The poor wickle lamb.